Controlling and Rage!!

LegacyUser

I have been with my boyfriend for 9 years, we've been living together for about 2 years, we met a school aged 15 and 16.

He has always been quite possesive and jealous.
When I was younger I never questioned his behaviour.

I'm now 24 and I look back on the last 9 years with disbelief!

He has 'cleared out' my wardrobe for me numerous times when I was about 19/20.
He basically made me throw out anything that was too revealing.

We went to Portugal 3 years ago with his family, and he actually banned me from wearing a bikini!!
He came to collect me at my house and when I refused to give in on the bikini issue he said I wasn't aloud go and left without me.
His mother sent him back to get me.

I'm constantly called 'lazy', last week I was told on my day off that I wasn't allowed to watch TV until I tidied my room. A phrase I haven't heard since I was 10!!

If I go anywhere I get asked a million questions, and god help me if I muddle up some info, it just leads to another million questions and being accused of hiding something.
The problem is I now have no friends.

It is most definately a controlling unhealthy relationship, BUT if I had put my foot down many years ago I think things would be different and it is only in the last 3 years I have started to assert myself which has lead to MASSIVE fights.

I have a huge amount of frustation and pure raw rage built up, I snap every couple of weeks and scream and attack him, I recently ripped his t-shirt right off his back.

To him, I'm the psycho but each rage attack is ALWAYS triggered by him telling me what to do.
I know violence is never the answer but I lose all control and just explode and am unstopable.

Has ANYBODY ever known a couple that behaves like us?
Will counselling work? I'm trying to find a counsellor for myself asap, should I find one for him?

Is it both of us or just him? In other words should we just go together to see someone?

gypsy_rose

I know sometimes it can take a while to start standing up to your partner if they constantly do something that really annoys you and once you start it must be like all the frustration you were feeling before is just being vented and is difficult to control, I know. He shouldn't be talking to you like this, you're his equal, not his lesser or his child, and I think the best thing to do would be to sit him down and tell him in no uncertain terms that you are sick of him treating you like this and it has to stop. If it doesn't, I recommend you walk, your boyfriend should respect you, trust you, and let you live your own life, and from the sounds of things at the moment, he isn't doing any of these things.

Count Duckula

Whilst I completely agree with the advice above, you need to consider your own behaviour. You obviously realise it's unacceptable, but once you've started to use violence as a method of sorting out problems in a relationship then it's hard to stop.

Colonel_McCoy

you need to stand up to him as it is only going to get worse. Whats he is doing is unhelathy...........and it does sound like a relationship more like a parent child issue!

shellyboo

After 9 years, I sincerely doubt if you can turn this into a healthy relationship. You even admit yourself that your behaviour is becoming violent. You need to get out before it turns really nasty.

Pebbles68

That really sounds like a seriously unhealthy relationship. While I don't condone your outbursts I can imagine how I'd feel with someone constantly telling me what to wear, telling me what to do and giving me the 9th degree every time I went out. Has he agreed to go to counselling? If so you could go to couples therapy as a start but he clearly has his own issues to deal with, as do you.

Sleepy

End it.

He's a control freak and you have anger management issues to deal with.

LegacyUser

Pebbles68 wrote: »

That really sounds like a seriously unhealthy relationship. While I don't condone your outbursts I can imagine how I'd feel with someone constantly telling me what to wear, telling me what to do and giving me the 9th degree every time I went out. Has he agreed to go to counselling? If so you could go to couples therapy as a start but he clearly has his own issues to deal with, as do you.

No I haven't asked him yet, I can't imagine him saying yes, I want to go for myself 1st.

Yep my outbursts are quite a problem and are out of control. I do feel sorry for him after I calm down but he is a bully plain and simple, he has pushed me and choked me tons of times over the years.

I think his main problem is insecurity and also he is a spoilt brat that doesn't know what it's like to hear 'no'.

I blame his mother for this trait, he also bullies his sister, who is 21.

I'm very close with both his mother and sister, and I sat down a few weeks ago with his mother and told her about his behaviour and she said she didn't realise things were that bad. She said she would sit him down and talk to him but she still hasn't done it.

carolinespring

Sounds to me like you are both not good for each other and it is not going to get better anytime soon. It is not healthy to be living like that. Time for you both to get help or end it. I do feel is second would be the best option all round

LegacyUser

I have been in a relationship like that.

Part of the problem is that you don't like being told what to do. And you have built up anger. In my case I was sick of being told what to do & it went so far that I got angry. I never got violent, but the rows were so great we sometimes needed 2 weeks to cool off.

You really need to see a relationship counsellor. I did with my girlfriend. In the end the relationship did not work out, but we did make it better for the last 6/7 months we were together. See a counsellor & talk it out. It can only help.

liah

Leave him. Honestly. It's been this way for 9 years, it's not going to change, and if it does, it's going to take years of misery and trying to break all the old habits without even knowing if it'll ever happen. So it's either that (more misery, more bitterness, more possessiveness, more outbursts, more hurt, more rage), or you leave, and start having an actual life again, with new friends and all the freedom the world has to offer you without having to worry about what some possessive jerk back home has to say about it.

Taltos

You already know the answer OP - I think you are just looking for validation.

1. End it.
2. Seek help for your anger.

Until you are in a happy place internally maybe stay away from relationships - until you fix yourself you risk repeating this behaviour.

Seriously though - end it... It will only get worse.

xxtattyberxx

Banned from watching tv?
Banned from wearing a Bikini

Are you dating your dad? Its sounds like you already know the answer. Get out now while you have some sort of sanity. Sounds to me like your bf is nothing more than a school boy bully, puts you down to control you and make himself feel manly and there is nothing more pothetic than the said. Be guaranteed he has this control over you cause ye have been together since ye were young. No other woman that he'll meet would put up with that crap.
Never accept anybody in your life who would give you respect.
Get out while you can, it will only deteriorate and bring you down even more

fungun

Do you feel its worth a try to save it?

If so then try counselling. But you know yourself that your violence towards him is just as unacceptable as his behaviour to you. To save it, you are both going to have to be able to talk rationally about what bothers you and try to change.

nesbitt

OP you are in an abusive relationship.

Controlling of appearance
Prevented from having friends
Continued bullying and criticism
Verbal abuse
Physical abuse

Thats just what I see in your posts so far...

There is clear information on www.womensaid.ie that will show you how abused you really are. Simply click on the 'Do I need help' section and read warning signs.

Please now face this fact and act for yourself and any children you may have.

The abuse has taken its toll on you and now you are driven to anger outbursts and in turn feed the problems you are dealing with even more....

At this stage I sense that you know it is an abusive relationship and simply require validation. You have spoken to his mother (seeking validation and solution)and she has not acted...

I strongly suggest a phone call to Women's Aid, just simply outline what has been going on for 9 years, they will acknowledge that you are indeed abused and give you some pointers as to what to do next.

PS. Do not use your mobile or the house phone to make the call. Please use one of your own family members or a public phone. Please do not use the home computer to access this information. Use the library's computers or internet cafe or a trusted member of your own family. If you have been posting this thread on the home computer please delete the history.

You have taken a very important step posting here, now take the next step... All my best.

dublingal80

hi op

i know you have anger issues, which you can see yourself, but i dont see how you getting counselling will help much the whole situation for the past 9 years - ie him throwing out your clothes, the 20 questions, not being allowed to wear a bikini etc. Yes maybe you will be a little more careful how you react to him, but it wont mean your relaitonship is any better

He is the one that needs a lot of help and from the sounds of it he doesnt think he is the one with the problem

Emme

Atwitsend wrote: »

He has always been quite possesive and jealous. When I was younger I never questioned his behaviour.

I'm now 24 and I look back on the last 9 years with disbelief!

He has 'cleared out' my wardrobe for me numerous times when I was about 19/20. He basically made me throw out anything that was too revealing.

We went to Portugal 3 years ago with his family, and he actually banned me from wearing a bikini!! He came to collect me at my house and when I refused to give in on the bikini issue he said I wasn't aloud go and left without me. His mother sent him back to get me.

I'm constantly called 'lazy', last week I was told on my day off that I wasn't allowed to watch TV until I tidied my room. A phrase I haven't heard since I was 10!!

If I go anywhere I get asked a million questions, and god help me if I muddle up some info, it just leads to another million questions and being accused of hiding something. The problem is I now have no friends.

You have no friends because he doesn't want you to have friends.

Atwitsend wrote: »

It is most definately a controlling unhealthy relationship, BUT if I had put my foot down many years ago I think things would be different and it is only in the last 3 years I have started to assert myself which has lead to MASSIVE fights..

Well done for recognising this. Unfortunately if you haven't changed things in the last 3 years despite asserting yourself things are unlikely to get better.

Atwitsend wrote: »

I have a huge amount of frustation and pure raw rage built up, I snap every couple of weeks and scream and attack him, I recently ripped his t-shirt right off his back. To him, I'm the psycho but each rage attack is ALWAYS triggered by him telling me what to do. I know violence is never the answer but I lose all control and just explode and am unstopable.

This isn't a healthy pattern for you. The rage and frustration has been built up over years and will get worse if you stay with him. This relationship is destroying you. Violence from either partner solves nothing.

Atwitsend wrote: »

Has ANYBODY ever known a couple that behaves like us? Will counselling work? I'm trying to find a counsellor for myself asap, should I find one for him? Is it both of us or just him? In other words should we just go together to see someone?

Get counselling for yourself. I would strongly advise you to take Nesbitt's advice and approach Women's Aid. This is not a situation which is going to improve.

You mention your boyfriend's family a lot, but are you in touch with your own family? Have you anywhere to go if you leave your boyfriend? If you aren't in touch with your own family why is this? Has your boyfriend had a hand in it?

Again, please seek advice from Womens Aid as soon as possible.

nesbitt

Just a further note on abusive partners tracking your on line activity.

On the women's aid website, at the top right hand corner click on 'using this site safely'.

You get advice on deleting your browsing history and also note that spyware can be used even if you delete your history.... So I would advise using a computer in the library or at work (if you can but delete your history too).

On the women's aid website, at the top right hand corner click on 'changing this site'.

You are brought to RTE website if you need to quickly get off the women's aid website due to interruption by others....

Some abusers go to these lengths to control you getting help too. Hope this is of help in some way.

trio

So you started realising this 3 years ago, which has caused massive fights, but 2 years ago you decided to move in together?

Why??

Anyway, that's I suppose a moot point now.

You're sleeping with your Dad. And you're turning into a nutter.

And I'm not so quick to blame him, by the way. He hasn't turned you into a violent person - YOU have, by staying in a relationship that's causing you to become ferociously angry. Why are you doing that??

You've seen what he was like for a long time now - and you've not only stayed but you decided to live with him.

I think you have to sort yourself out. Either you're in or you're out. Personally I think this relationship sounds very ugly on both sides and should be ended.

But if you're in you have to go to counselling for yourself, for your rage. And try to get him to go to couples counselling because by God ye need it.

But if he won't go - what are you going to do then? Shriek and roar and pummel him? You need to find other ways of dealing with the behaviour of someone you're going to stay with. Right now you seem to have now other way of handling it.

You're becoming abusive now - it could escalate in the future. Next year you might not be aiming for his T-shirt. Make an appointment today.

Emme

Trio, it isn't helpful to call the OP a nutter. By the sounds of things her boyfriend has done this often enough.

Perhaps she moved in with him because he convinced her that things would get better if she did. Of course they got worse as they always do with controlling men when you give in to them.:rolleyes:

I don't think this is a healthy relationship for her and that she should get counselling for herself and find ways of ending this relationship. The OP met her boyfriend when she was very young (15) little more than a child in fact and giving out to her is no use to her.

trio

Nope, I said she's sounds like she's turning into one. Big difference. She's starting to lose control. And she's obviously seriously concerned about that too.

Neither do I think it's massively helpful to just say that he's the only one who is abusive here. His problems are obvious. But she's being violent. If she was a man who had admitted that they were flying into violent rages during arguments with their girlfriend, we'd be aghast and be urging them to take a sharp look at their own reactions.

nesbitt

Atwitsend wrote: »

No I haven't asked him yet, I can't imagine him saying yes, I want to go for myself 1st.

Yep my outbursts are quite a problem and are out of control. I do feel sorry for him after I calm down but he is a bully plain and simple, he has pushed me and choked me tons of times over the years.

I think his main problem is insecurity and also he is a spoilt brat that doesn't know what it's like to hear 'no'.

I blame his mother for this trait, he also bullies his sister, who is 21.

I'm very close with both his mother and sister, and I sat down a few weeks ago with his mother and told her about his behaviour and she said she didn't realise things were that bad. She said she would sit him down and talk to him but she still hasn't done it.

The OP's partner is violent to her.

It appears that this point has been missed by some posters...

Jerrica

Atwitsend wrote: »

Is it both of us or just him? In other words should we just go together to see someone?

It's both of you really. From the sounds of it he does sound like quite a controlling individual, and you know that, and now you're reacting very negatively to it; he's bringing you down with him.

If you were both to continue along this line for the forseeable future you would keep getting angrier and angrier and he'll become even more controlling when he sees you fighting against him.

Because you both met so young there's probably an awful lot of habitual patterns that have set in that you don't know are potentially harmful too.

He's the problem but you're becoming one, you don't deserve the treatment you're getting and neither does he. Obviously walking away from someone who has been such an important part of your life for so long would be really, really difficult, but for your own sanity and happiness it's something you're going to need to look at hard. At the very least go and speak with someone about this so that you can address some of your own anger issues.

Silverfish

Implying or stating people are or are turning into 'nutters' is not helpful.

Please read the charter and abide by it.

Thank you.

Fentdog84

OP you say you look back on the last 9 years in disbelief almost as if it was someone elses life. You have no one here to blame but yourself . I mean, surely you value yourself higher than being in a relationship with this paranoid, controlling meglomaniac? Its up to you to walk away. Forget about changing him, because you wont.

Bloody Nipples

I'd run as far and as fast as I could from this guy if I were in the OP's shoes. What are the chances her anger issues are just stemming from frustration with his jealous and controlling behaviour?

If you love him try and want to stay, get him to go to couples counselling, but if he refuses to go I'd say you're at a dead end. Staying or leaving him is your own decision at the end of the day but his behaviour sounds like that of a childish díckhead. From what you say I wouldn't call it much of a life at all when you can't even choose your own clothes.

irishdude11

I cant understand why some people are saying you should go for counselling. This isn't some recent behavioural change in OPs partner that can be fixed, this it the way he has been for 9 years, this is just who he is. Dictating what you can and cant wear, not letting you watch TV til you've tided up, jesus christ who needs that sh*t in their lives. You shouldve ditched him years ago when he started acting like a frigging Taliban.

He sounds like a complete twat OP, and he is only going to get worse as time goes on. You are still young, time to get out now. If you dont you will be kicking yourself looking back in 5-10 years time at the years you've wasted on this control freak.

thecookingapple

Hi OP, first of all you are 24 and this is a good age to step away from this hostile, intimidating, violent and mentally abusive relationship, abused people eventually snap and it has been evident over the years with people murdering their partners because that anger has built to such a level that they where no longer able to control themselves, it is not as uncommon as one would think.

You should not be dictated to as to where you go and how you dress, these should be the years of fun, adventure, learning about life and yourself and building your own sense of self.

Part of being in a loving healthy relationship is discussing things, whether thats mundane chores, feelings, aspirations etc, being told what to do should not be and never should be part of it.

Get out now before all this becomes normal to you.

Emme

[QUOTE=irishdude11;72318366]I cant understand why some people are saying you should go for counselling. This isn't some recent behavioural change in OPs partner that can be fixed, this it the way he has been for 9 years, this is just who he is. Dictating what you can and cant wear, not letting you watch TV til you've tided up, jesus christ who needs that sh*t in their lives. You shouldve ditched him years ago when he started acting like a frigging Taliban.

He sounds like a complete twat OP, and he is only going to get worse as time goes on. You are still young, time to get out now. If you dont you will be kicking yourself looking back in 5-10 years time at the years you've wasted on this control freak.[/QUOTE]

The OP should go for counselling as she is currently in a traumatic situation. The counselling will help her choose the best option (ie get out of the relationship and STAY out) and rebuild her self-esteem after 9 years of emotional and physical battering.

LegacyUser

thecookingapple wrote: »

, abused people eventually snap and it has been evident over the years with people murdering their partners because that anger has built to such a level that they where no longer able to control themselves, it is not as uncommon as one would think.

.

This is exactly what I fear happening, and it will be me in prision and him under the ground.

Sorry but I really want to add one more thing to my post because I'm a bit confused about it.......

After I read everyone replies (and many thanks for them) I did speak to him about how things haven't changed and how he is still as controlling as ever and that I never feel I can speak freely for fear and stress of being interagated.

It was half argument, half reasonable discussion.

In the beginning of the discussion he was saying that it is just part of his personality.

But I said it's separate to his personality, because believe it or not his personality is actually fun. He's very intelligent and very very funny. We have had great craic together over the years.

I think the controlling and domineering are separate traits, and because we were so young and immature the behaviour just became normal over the years.

I put up with it because I didn't know any better and had no other experience of relationships to compare it to.

Anyway this is the part I'm confused about.....

I met him when I was 15, and when I was about 16 or 17 I went to a friends house for New Years Eve.

We went out, got a bit drunk and I kissed a few boys!

A few months later he dumped me, he started 'going out' or 'shifting' (hate that word!!) someone else.

Then 3 months later we got back together, it was all very typical of what teenagers do.

Out of jealously and hurt over this other girl, I told him about kissing other boys to hurt him and get my own back.

So according to him this is the reason why he is so controlling over me.
He says it was always at the back of his mind that I could run off at any minute.

I couldn't help but crack a smile and then laugh!

He said I was being insenstitive but I just found it very hard to have a serious discussion over something I did when I was 16/17.

Ok next part.....(I'm nearly at the end, promise!)

He thinks I should be senstitive to this issue because he is senstitive to an issue of mine that dates back to when I was 18 and he was 19.

But my issue is an abortion that I had at 14 weeks, I think what I did was disgraceful and it's very hard to live with.
I find it very difficult to be around babies, children, etc, he thinks he is senstitive to this so I should be with his.

I don't think there is any comparison with the two issues but he does.

Am I just being a self-centred cow??

irishdude11

Atwitsend wrote: »

In the beginning of the discussion he was saying that it is just part of his personality.

But I said it's separate to his personality, because believe it or not his personality is actually fun. He's very intelligent and very very funny. We have had great craic together over the years.

I think the controlling and domineering are separate traits, and because we were so young and immature the behaviour just became normal over the years.

Why are you making excuses for him? He said himself its part of his personality. If someone acts a certain way for 9 years that is because it is who they are. You said yourself you have had loads of massive fights over this for the last few years and yet he continues to do it. He's not going to stop, people dont change their personality.

But my issue is an abortion that I had at 14 weeks, I think what I did was disgraceful and it's very hard to live with.
I find it very difficult to be around babies, children, etc, he thinks he is senstitive to this so I should be with his.

I don't think there is any comparison with the two issues but he does.

Am I just being a self-centred cow??

Wtf...he thinks controlling and bullying you like you are some sort of slave for years is an 'issue' he has and you have to be 'sensitive' to it? I never heard such crap in my life. And now he has you questioning if you are a self-centred cow...looks like he manipulates you with ease. He now has you feeling guilty for him bullying and controlling you, ridiculous. Just dump him and get it over with, why are you wasting your life with someone like this.

nesbitt

Atwitsend wrote: »

This is exactly what I fear happening, and it will be me in prision and him under the ground.

Sorry but I really want to add one more thing to my post because I'm a bit confused about it.......

After I read everyone replies (and many thanks for them) I did speak to him about how things haven't changed and how he is still as controlling as ever and that I never feel I can speak freely for fear and stress of being interagated.

It was half argument, half reasonable discussion.

In the beginning of the discussion he was saying that it is just part of his personality.

But I said it's separate to his personality, because believe it or not his personality is actually fun. He's very intelligent and very very funny. We have had great craic together over the years.

I think the controlling and domineering are separate traits, and because we were so young and immature the behaviour just became normal over the years.

I put up with it because I didn't know any better and had no other experience of relationships to compare it to.

Anyway this is the part I'm confused about.....

I met him when I was 15, and when I was about 16 or 17 I went to a friends house for New Years Eve.

We went out, got a bit drunk and I kissed a few boys!

A few months later he dumped me, he started 'going out' or 'shifting' (hate that word!!) someone else.

Then 3 months later we got back together, it was all very typical of what teenagers do.

Out of jealously and hurt over this other girl, I told him about kissing other boys to hurt him and get my own back.

So according to him this is the reason why he is so controlling over me.
He says it was always at the back of his mind that I could run off at any minute.

I couldn't help but crack a smile and then laugh!

He said I was being insenstitive but I just found it very hard to have a serious discussion over something I did when I was 16/17.

Ok next part.....(I'm nearly at the end, promise!)

He thinks I should be senstitive to this issue because he is senstitive to an issue of mine that dates back to when I was 18 and he was 19.

But my issue is an abortion that I had at 14 weeks, I think what I did was disgraceful and it's very hard to live with.
I find it very difficult to be around babies, children, etc, he thinks he is senstitive to this so I should be with his.

I don't think there is any comparison with the two issues but he does.

Am I just being a self-centred cow??

OP you are not going to sort your life out by discussing this with your partner. The issues you are dealing with need third party intervention. I cannot stress this enough to you. You need to heed advice given and seek proper trained advice from Women's Aid.

You are being emotionally blackmailed into enabling the abuse. Finally NO I do not think on any level that you are a self-centered cow....

Stheno

trio wrote: »

And I'm not so quick to blame him, by the way. He hasn't turned you into a violent person - YOU have, by staying in a relationship that's causing you to become ferociously angry. Why are you doing that??


I think you have to sort yourself out. Either you're in or you're out. Personally I think this relationship sounds very ugly on both sides and should be ended.

But if you're in you have to go to counselling for yourself, for your rage.

You're becoming abusive now - it could escalate in the future. Next year you might not be aiming for his T-shirt. Make an appointment today.

I'd agree with this resorting to violence is no good for either party in a relationship.