Where do I find the time?

LegacyUser

Ok so, a little background.
I recently moved in with my girlfriend of almost 4 years.
I leave for wor at 6 and I'm not home till 6 in the evening with commute times and all.
I'm in my mid 20's and I still love playing my ps3. Especially online with friends.

Recently shes given out about how much time I spend playing my ps3, saying that about an hour a day is too much. Now she spends more than that watching soaps everyday that I have no intrest in.
But she also points out that I only do the dishes and mostly its me that cooks. She does the washing and cleaning. She actually laughed in my face when I said I didn't notice that the cleaning needed done most of the time, which I don't.
My question is, if I bend over backwards for her (ie ignoring the fact that she can be in the worst moods ever for no apparent reason other than "its one of those days") why can't she cut me some slack too?
I do love her and I do lots of little things for her all the time, but I don't think she even notices anymore.

Am I in the wrong here?

Neyite

tackle the cleaning together - say, 60- 90 mins each evening when you come in - Then you both get to sit down for the same amount of leisure time, her with her soaps, you with your PS3.

If one is cooking, then the other should be cleaning/doing laundry or helping meanwhile. Cooking for both of you is a chore the same way as cleaning is IMO.

We can all get moody, but its not acceptable to use someone as the brunt of your moodiness - so dont let her away with it.

shellyboo

unregistered wrote: »

Ok so, a little background.
I recently moved in with my girlfriend of almost 4 years.
I leave for wor at 6 and I'm not home till 6 in the evening with commute times and all.
I'm in my mid 20's and I still love playing my ps3. Especially online with friends.

Recently shes given out about how much time I spend playing my ps3, saying that about an hour a day is too much. Now she spends more than that watching soaps everyday that I have no intrest in.
But she also points out that I only do the dishes and mostly its me that cooks. She does the washing and cleaning. She actually laughed in my face when I said I didn't notice that the cleaning needed done most of the time, which I don't.
My question is, if I bend over backwards for her (ie ignoring the fact that she can be in the worst moods ever for no apparent reason other than "its one of those days") why can't she cut me some slack too?
I do love her and I do lots of little things for her all the time, but I don't think she even notices anymore.

Am I in the wrong here?

Not really. I'd be a bit peeved if my boyfriend was playing PS3 (or XBox in his case) *every* night, but I wouldn't begrudge him a few hours of an evening when he comes home from work. I mean, I have my own life as well and he plays plenty when I'm out too!

In my case, he understands that it's rude and sometimes hurtful to come in and just throw himself down in front of the XBox as soon as he gets in the door -- I'm his real, live partner and I deserve his respect and his attention. But I earn that respect and attention in turn by being a good partner -- that is, by not getting in a strop about his gaming. It's all about give and take. Ultimately it's about respect.

Perhaps the best thing to do is sit down and discuss how often she thinks is enough, how often you think is enough, and come to a compromise?

Like, you play an hour 3 nights a week, and as much as you like one day of the weekend. The other weekend day can be spent working together on cleaning the house. When you team up it takes 2 hours max, leaving you the rest of the day to get out and spend time together!

It's really important that a dynamic of her vs PS3 doesn't develop, or your interests vs her interests. She should have *something* she can do while you're gaming - an hour in the evening really isn't a vast amount of time!

shellyboo

sunflower27 wrote: »

Neyite - your place must be spotless I wouldn't have an hour's worth of cleaning to do a day - not by a long shot!

Haha, I was thinking the same! If I did 20 minutes a day my place'd be a palace, but that's maybe cos it's small!

/offtopic

Sleepy

Maybe explain to your girlfriend that you don't consider sitting with her while she watches soaps to be "time together as a couple" and play your games while she's doing this. Make sure to have some alternatives lined up for what ye can do together instead of the soaps though, whether that's watching a DVD you *both* want to see or heading out for a walk / pint / theatre etc.

I've noticed this with lots of couples tbh. It seems like a lot of women consider watching the soaps to be a joint activity when, in reality, their boyfriends would rather do anything else.

On the cleaning issue, the only thing for it is to do up a roster / agree areas of responsibility and the frequency at which those things need to be done (e.g. hoovering of hall once a week etc. Lots of us wouldn't think it needed doing more than once a month so if your partner is fussier about that sort of thing, you need to be in agreement as to what "hoovering the hall" entails as part of your division of labour.

LegacyUser

She's out of the house less time than me as she works nearer. Ie she leaves after me in the morning and is home before me.

She wants the bathroom cleaned every couple of days desipte no one being there during the day. I honestly don't notice it needing cleaned that much, a week or so is enough in my opinion.
Her standard of clean and mine are quite different so I much conform to hers, despite the fact that I have prefrences about some things and she just does it her was anyway. (Like the stacking of the dishes beside the sink, I prefer the cutlry in the basin and everything else stacked neatly beside it, but she just sets it beside the sink any old way despite me asking her not to.)
And if I point that out she'll be in a bad mood for days.
Its usually I cook, even when she says shell do it. Tho she might start cooking and ask if she can go watch her soaps, thus I cook. She does help with the dishes at times but its mostly me that does them.

I dop watch some stuff with her and anything I want to watch she's mostly ok with, but she has complained that I watch too many shows. I have cut a lot of them out as they have gotten crap lately. But I only watch my shows, no other tv. She can put it on and find something to watch. I'd rather play ps3 or watch a dvd in that time.

I tend to want to play ps3 when shes on facebook or something. Its not like its the first thing I do when I get in either, its usually the last thing I do before I got to bed.
I also sleep less than her. She goes to bed earlier than I would but she complains if I stay up to what she call late.

I don't think she would call it a joint activity but she expects me do be doing something more productive when shes watching them.
I don't watch much tv, prob about 4 odd hours max in the week. I don't go out much, I don't smoke, don't read much. My little bit of tv, the internet and ps3 are all I do to relax. I just don't think she gets that.
Idealy I would like it if she played the ps3 aswell but I have tried and she has no intrest in it.
Tho let her loose with farmville, thats the only game she plays. She can play that for an hour or more but not that often.

How do I explain to her that this is how I relax, and its easy for the time to get carried away as an hour is just about enough time to start getting into the game? Without her getting peeved.
I don't stop her being in the same room as me if she wants to read of go online, but she'd rather do that in bed.

Distorted

Is this a joke? I would imagine, OP, its because a grown man who plays a PS3 every night isn't that attractive. It would put me right off a man. The soap watching by her is bad too but at least it doesn't rule out conversation at the same time. PS3 ugh just the image it conjures up - nerdiness, adolescent boys with nothing better to do with their time, under-achievers, laziness, lack of aspiration, social misfits - perhaps an exaggeration but maybe thats what she is starting to think. I just wouldn't be with a man who plays on a PS3 every night.

Do you also really believe that you "bend over backwards" for her by doing the dishes and by cooking? Then presumably she does the same for you with the washing and cleaning. So that makes you equal. So what?

seamus

Ah, the moving in syndrome.

Don't worry OP, you're not alone. Pretty much every couple who've moved in together have had to deal with this and it can takes months to sort out.

One thing you have to realise is that you're moving from a place now of, "This is the way that I do things", and this has to be adjusted to "this is the way that we do things".

You're right on a couple of points; In general women's standard of cleanliness are higher than men's. When she thinks the hoovering needs to be done, we don't see fluff and could easily go a few more weeks. So long as the kitchen is free of clutter a man will consider it clean yet many women will insist on cleaning it top to bottom, lifting the toaster and everything, twice a week.

Many women (perhaps people) also have difficulty understanding that sometimes we want to spend a little time on our own, chilling out after work, be that sitting doing nothing on the couch, playing playstation, going for a run, whatever floats your boat. The insinuation is that if she's there and you're actively spending time without her, then you're being rude or ignoring her. Which of course is wrong, you're just doing what you would rather do.

Obviously plenty of women are messy and/or independent and many men are clean and/or clingy, but these are just general trends I've noticed with other men and their womenfolk.

You need to sort it out early. Forget about the things that don't really bother you. For example, my wife insists on having a basin in the kitchen sink. It irritates me (why use a basin when that's the sink is for), but it's something I was happy to let go. Insist on the things that you do care about. If you both care about something, then you come up with a compromise.

On chores, division of labour is the only way. Assign jobs that you both exclusively do. For example, I take out the bins and do the hoovering once a week. My wife cleans the bathrooms and kitchen because they are the jobs above all else that I hate. Dinner is a matter of one cooks and the other cleans up.

How do you explain to her that playing playstation is how you relax? Tell her! You don't have to ask her permission to do it. What you should do is cook the dinner and when you've sat down and eaten and had a chat over dinner you tell her, "I'm just going to go in and play the PS3 for a while, while you do the washing up".

You're adults sharing a living space. There needs to be mutual respect for eachothers individuality but also mutual compromise on everything.

On the bed thing, you might just have to suck it up. I know for a fact that if it wasn't for my wife going to bed, I'd probably get 4 or 5 hours sleep every night. I join her in bed because it's not really fair for me to be waking her up because I wanted to sit up doing nothing. If I felt strongly enough about it, I'd sleep in another bed.

Esoteric_

Distorted wrote: »

Is this a joke? I would imagine, OP, its because a grown man who plays a PS3 every night isn't that attractive. It would put me right off a man. The soap watching by her is bad too but at least it doesn't rule out conversation at the same time. PS3 ugh just the image it conjures up - nerdiness, adolescent boys with nothing better to do with their time, under-achievers, laziness, lack of aspiration, social misfits - perhaps an exaggeration but maybe thats what she is starting to think. I just wouldn't be with a man who plays on a PS3 every night.

Do you also really believe that you "bend over backwards" for her by doing the dishes and by cooking? Then presumably she does the same for you with the washing and cleaning. So that makes you equal. So what?

That is so wrong, I'm not even sure how to word it.

Years ago, spending an hour on the internet would be considered a thing that only spotty, unwashed nerds did, but that's changed, just like gaming has changed. I'm not a gamer in any way, but I'm more than happy for my boyfriend to play a game for an hour or two every night if that's what he wants. It's the same as me reading or watching an hour of tv to chill out after work. It's a thing you do to relax and take your mind off everything for a while, it's not unattractive at all.

As for the cleaning - both of you need to compromise and you need to tell her that. I'm a lot more into cleanliness than my boyfriend and would want things immaculate, whereas he is a complete slob when it comes to cleaning. So I start cleaning and give him jobs to do too, so that in the end we do equal amounts, except for when I'm working and he's not (he's out of work atm), he does more then.


OP, I really think you need to talk to her. It seems that you just both have different ideas with regards to chill out time and cleaning. The things you and she do to chill out, you should both be allowed to do. If my boyfriend and I are doing different things to chill out (for example, him gaming or playing guitar, me reading or going online), we do them in the same room, close to each other, so that we can still chat sporadically and are still together.

LegacyUser

Distorted wrote: »

Is this a joke? I would imagine, OP, its because a grown man who plays a PS3 every night isn't that attractive. It would put me right off a man. The soap watching by her is bad too but at least it doesn't rule out conversation at the same time. PS3 ugh just the image it conjures up - nerdiness, adolescent boys with nothing better to do with their time, under-achievers, laziness, lack of aspiration, social misfits - perhaps an exaggeration but maybe thats what she is starting to think. I just wouldn't be with a man who plays on a PS3 every night.

Do you also really believe that you "bend over backwards" for her by doing the dishes and by cooking? Then presumably she does the same for you with the washing and cleaning. So that makes you equal. So what?

I assure you this is not a joke. Should it matter to me weather or not that your personal prefrence is not to be attracted to a gamer? It doesn't. Your opinion is just that, yours.
I can talk and play ps3 at the same time. What makes you think I can't?
Oh because in the stereotypical world you live in thats what happens. I'm none of those things you mentioned.
People who stereotype others like you have done are generally spoilt brats but I'm not saying you are one cuz I don't know you. You don't know me so stop stereotyping me.

I didn't say thats how I bent over backwards. I go out of my way to lots of little things for her all the time. Shes says she has a notion for chocolate I quite often will go out of my way to get her some cuz I know it'll make her happy. And thats just an example. She doesn't sit demading chocolate either.
If we're equal then how come she gives out? Thats what.

IrishEyes19

Distorted wrote: »

Is this a joke? I would imagine, OP, its because a grown man who plays a PS3 every night isn't that attractive. It would put me right off a man. The soap watching by her is bad too but at least it doesn't rule out conversation at the same time. PS3 ugh just the image it conjures up - nerdiness, adolescent boys with nothing better to do with their time, under-achievers, laziness, lack of aspiration, social misfits - perhaps an exaggeration but maybe thats what she is starting to think. I just wouldn't be with a man who plays on a PS3 every night.

Do you also really believe that you "bend over backwards" for her by doing the dishes and by cooking? Then presumably she does the same for you with the washing and cleaning. So that makes you equal. So what?

Ah, come on. If that's his way of unwinding, let the OP have it. And soaps do cut out conversation. Nothing worse than someone talking during a programme.

And Id cut back on the generalisations here. Just because computer games aren't your thing, doesnt make people who play them under achievers. :rolleyes:

@OP, just suggest next time she starts complaining, that you do an activity together once a week, that doesnt involve either soaps or ps3. That way she cant complain and also, she sounds a little bit too controlling regarding the clean up. Clean is great, but Id be ultra annoyed if I put the dishes a certain way and someone came behind me and changed it. very irritating, so I wouldnt let that slide, plus confront her about her moods. Sometimes people dont see how they are acting until its put in front of them.

LegacyUser

Seamus:
Thats exactly it. Everything has to be lifted when your cleaning, everytime. I would only clean it that much once a month or so.

She doesn't seem to understand that I can shut down randomly. I can be in the room on my own drinking tea and she'll walk in and ask what I'm thinking when I wasn't thinking anything. I was just zoned out staring at the wall or something.
Yea thats exactly how she makes me feel at times, like if we're there together we must spend time together.

Neither of us like doing the cleaning so we can't split it up that easily, but I'm sure I can find some way to rotate it.
I feel bad if she's doing the dishes or something and i'm just sitting back. But she does that if one of her soaps is on and I don't think she minds.

She doesn't mind me going to bed after her, its just what she calls late and what I call late are about 3 hours apart.
If she wasn't already in bed reading or something she wouldn't be going to be that much before me.

LyndaMcL:
I actually want her to be in the same room as me if I'm playing xbxo, she's usually just on the laptop or reading anyway, but she'd rather do that in bed than be in beside me, but I'm the bad guy for not being on the bed with her.
As I said, neither of us like cleaning, but I think she wants me to start it without being told. She says I'm like a child if I wait to be told.

sunflower27:
I know I can talk to her when she's watching them, but not very much. I don't watch them with her cuz I get bored of them and start questioning stuff. I can't help it so I don't watch them. I like to give her the peace to watch them.

LegacyUser

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

@OP, just suggest next time she starts complaining, that you do an activity together once a week, that doesnt involve either soaps or ps3. That way she cant complain and also, she sounds a little bit too controlling regarding the clean up. Clean is great, but Id be ultra annoyed if I put the dishes a certain way and someone came behind me and changed it. very irritating, so I wouldnt let that slide, plus confront her about her moods. Sometimes people dont see how they are acting until its put in front of them.

I have mentioned doing something every week, like going to the cinema etc, but she never seems that intrested when the time comes.
It's not that she changes the way I have them stacked, but the random clutter of the way she does it drives me mad and I change it. She just goes back to her old way then and doesn't even keep it up once I've done it.
Thing is, she says it doesn't bother her what way its done.

She know she can be moody, but she doesn't realise when she's doing it, she will realise after tho.

ElleEm

unregistered wrote: »

If we're equal then how come she gives out? Thats what.

Obviously your girlfriend doesn't think you are equal in relation to cleaning. And she clearly has an issue with the amount of time you spend "together". You may be in the same room, but having idle chit chat during the evening is nice, you don't want to feel ignored by your partner.

I can do a few things at once, and can chat away while on the internet and half tuned into a TV show, whereas my boyfriend tunes into JUST being on the internet and cannot/ does not hear anything outside of this. Is this how you are? It can be really annoying, in my opinion.

You need to chat to your girlfriend about this. She has the Soaps to unwind and you have the PS3. She obviously doesn't understand that this is your "Soaps".

fasty

Distorted wrote: »

Is this a joke? I would imagine, OP, its because a grown man who plays a PS3 every night isn't that attractive. It would put me right off a man. The soap watching by her is bad too but at least it doesn't rule out conversation at the same time. PS3 ugh just the image it conjures up - nerdiness, adolescent boys with nothing better to do with their time, under-achievers, laziness, lack of aspiration, social misfits - perhaps an exaggeration but maybe thats what she is starting to think. I just wouldn't be with a man who plays on a PS3 every night.

Do you also really believe that you "bend over backwards" for her by doing the dishes and by cooking? Then presumably she does the same for you with the washing and cleaning. So that makes you equal. So what?

This is a pretty ignorant and one sided stance to take.

I'm not saying the OP shouldn't make more of an effort, but you've latched on to this one thing while brushing over the tedium of having to sit through something like Corrie or whatever other soups people watch.

Neyite

sunflower27 wrote: »

Neyite - your place must be spotless I wouldn't have an hour's worth of cleaning to do a day - not by a long shot!

Lol. Its a mess! We usually do about 40 mins, but that includes me making the dinner each night, so really, its him doing the cleaning /laundry while I do the dinner.

LegacyUser

ElleEm:
She doesn't respont to me at all when shes on facebook. I have to repeat what I said when shes done. I can talk while gaming, tho my responses might be a wee bit slower than usual.

sunflower27:
She realises that shes been moody all on her own a few minutes later.

I don't think shes quite that bad but she clearly wants me to do more than I do. I just don't feel I have the time to do what she wants, what needs to be done, and relax before bed during the week.
She knows I'm snowed under at work and really look forward to my time off. You could even go as far as saying I hate my job, but I need the money.

shellyboo

unregistered wrote: »

I don't think shes quite that bad but she clearly wants me to do more than I do. I just don't feel I have the time to do what she wants, what needs to be done, and relax before bed during the week.
She knows I'm snowed under at work and really look forward to my time off. You could even go as far as saying I hate my job, but I need the money.

Well, hang on... if the cleaning needs to be done, and you haven't seen her all day... that takes preference over getting to 'relax', sadly. That's part of being a grown-up. If her standards of cleaning are higher than yours, well, there's not much you can do about that except help her out when she's cleaning.

It's also slightly concerning that you don't see your time with your girlfriend as relaxing. If it's that much of a chore to sit down and chat with her, or watch TV with her, you might find yourself with all the time in the world for gaming soon enough.

Sleepy

Watching TV with someone only counts as spending time together if it's something you both want to watch. THB, I'd agree that watching the soaps with someone is a chore!

LegacyUser

Just to reply to the original post.

I recently split with my girlfriend for very similar reasons. It all began when we disagreed on the dishes. She liked to leave them dry overnight, I preferred to put them away. We did it her way. Then she had a way of loading & unloading the dishwasher. I stopped doing it to allow her do it her way. Then it was how I put away clothes that had been washed & ironed. we did it her way as my way was 'extremely childish'. Then it started to become a problem with other things. If I gave her breakfast in bed she'd become extremely suspicious & think I was looking for something. Then it was her birthday & I thought I'd surprise her. It went down like a lead baloon. After being told I wasn't romantic, surprising a girl with something different was belittled.

Now in no way am I suggesting it was my ex's fault. The problem was that these little things grew into bigger things & on her side she didn't like aspects of my behaviour. My point is that you need to be comfortable being who you are. To be honest I don't think it matters too much about you gaming. If it was me I'd like to see my partner happy & once it doesn't involve another bloke, that's fine by me!

Talk to her about this & tell her how you feel, but also listen to what she says. If there are things you need to fix, better do the fixing now, than you both to lose each other and realise later you made mistakes. I made mistakes with my ex, I could have been a better boyfriend & things like the dishwasher should never have been a problem.

Talk it out & things may improve. Best of luck to you both!

Kingpin187

Im in the same boat, except im on "calm waters" so to speak

Im pushing 30, love my PS3 AND Xbox lol.. but whereas I used to play a lot more, its probably maximum an hour a day, sometimes not at all. My OH loves her soaps, and I have zero interest in TV, but I'll sit beside her on the laptop or whatever when they are on. She'll sometimes tell me to have some Xbox time, and she'll laze on the couch behind me with a book.. its very relaxing. We are doing our own things that we enjoy, but together

We share the cooking... she does MOST of the cleaning, and all the washing. I do some of the cleaning (the floors, kitchen etc) and I do the dishes.. Those are our predefined duties that we are happy with and it works out fine.

Its all about compromise, 50/50

trio

Obviously your girlfriend doesn't think you are equal in relation to cleaning.

Yeah, I'm getting the vibes here that underneath all the stuff about PS3 and Facebook and soaps - the real issue is that she's starting to feel like she's your mammy.

As I said, neither of us like cleaning, but I think she wants me to start it without being told. She says I'm like a child if I wait to be told.

Big red flag here. The minute a woman says to you "it's like being a child" what she's really saying is "you're forcing me into a Mammy role - and I hate it".

And she didn't sign up for that and it's sending her into a spiral of moodiness.

BUT it's a Catch-22, cos if she kept her mouth shut she'd be the one doing the majority of the cleaning, which would make her feel like your Mammy. So instead she has to remind you to do your share, which also makes her feel like your Mammy. Not to mention that it's bloody hard to remind someone to clean the feckin' bathroom without it coming out sounding impatient and exasperated and yep, you guessed it - like Mammy.

Wompa1

trio wrote: »

Yeah, I'm getting the vibes here that underneath all the stuff about PS3 and Facebook and soaps - the real issue is that she's starting to feel like she's your mammy.



Big red flag here. The minute a woman says to you "it's like being a child" what she's really saying is "you're forcing me into a Mammy role - and I hate it".

And she didn't sign up for that and it's sending her into a spiral of moodiness.

BUT it's a Catch-22, cos if she kept her mouth shut she'd be the one doing the majority of the cleaning, which would make her feel like your Mammy. So instead she has to remind you to do your share, which also makes her feel like your Mammy. Not to mention that it's bloody hard to remind someone to clean the feckin' bathroom without it coming out sounding impatient and exasperated and yep, you guessed it - like Mammy.

Ah yeah but that's going on the assumption that the way he does things is actually wrong. It could be a case that his g/f is just completely anal about how things should be done. In which case I'd nearly be the same as the OP...If I do something to help out then screw the criticism.

I never lived with a girlfriend but I had a girlfriend who stayed over quite a bit before. I was in my own place and she'd make little snide comments about how I cooked and stuff. Once before I said not to worry about cleaning up after herself, I had no problem doing it. She came over once and there wasn't a clean side plate and she made a remark about it...in my own place...women can just be a pain in the arse...there's that nice catch 22..women want to be seen as equal to men and for domestic tasks to not be a purely female thing but if a guy does them there's always a critique....

whether it be the way you fold your clothes, sweep the floor, clean the counter etc.

Best thing is every ex of mine was way messier than I was...plates left in bedrooms, tissues on the floor etc. And would rarely clean their own places..one big clean every few weeks...rant over!!

LegacyUser

Maybe it's a bit formal, but could you do out a rota together for the various chores? You can try and compromise on what needs to be done and how often, though to be honest things are probably always going to go in favour of the 'cleaner' person.

At least you'd have to set down then, no issue of her having to tell you what do, or do what she feels is more than her fair share.

Silverfish

Please can we avoid insulting generalisations of both genders.

Thank you.

BroomBurner

From reading the OP's posts, I think Trio might be on to something. The posts are all a little bit on the moany side, instead of trying to communicate like an adult with the person he lives with.

Also, OP, your issue with how your girlfriend stacks the dishes is just so tiny and insignificant and yet overblown that it's kind of sad to read. So what if she stacks them the way you don't like it?! Isn't it the point that the dishes have been done that matters?

Maybe when you pick on her for not doing things your way, she feels its open season to pick on you for not doing things her way, which it is.

Fentdog84

It sounds like OP that you need to give her more attention, thats why she's unhappy. Give her an hour or so every evening on the couch, have a chat, have a cuddle, watch a TV programme together. Try mix it up, play a board game scrabble/boggle etc or go for a walk. If you come in every evening ignoring each other you can turn into an old married couple very fast. Then when she's got her half hour/hour, maybe then you do your gaming thing.

As for the cleaning, she needs to give you a break on that.A tiny speck here and there shouldnt matter as long as you do your share, just say if it bothers her that much she can clean it herself.