I've never had a relationship..

Crossroads86

Hi there, there's something thats getting me down and i was hoping to get some advice.. its taken a lot for me to get on here and talk about this so please go easy on me im 25 and have never been in a relationship and although i've been with a few girls it never came to anything.. i dont have the confidence to randomly approach a girl in a pub/club, i've put myself out there a few times and each time i got rejected and it took ages to get my confidence back..

i've tried internet dating the last 4yrs and in all that time i managed to go on 5 dates, even though id put up a thought out profile and take the time sending each msg instead of just a hey how are you? plus id put up a picture and i am a handsome bloke but i do look very young for my age, granted i know there's a lot more men than women online plus a lot of messers.. i've tried joining different clubs and meeting someone through family/friends, work has been nonexistent.. i know confidence plays a big part and girls can pick up a vibe off you if you're insecure and its happened but most of the time i've been confident with girls..

at this stage with all the rejection i've had over the years its making me believe im worthless and unattractive, you could say im only young and i'll find someone someday but it could easily end up the opposite way like my brother who's 40 and in the same boat.. in a nutshell im really lonely, im just a nice normal bloke i've good interests im a natural on the guitar i was a martial arts champion im big into music and good craic once you get to know me but apparently im not enough.. the only thing left to try i think is speed dating or paid dating sites but there's not many girls my age or younger on them its mostly people in their 30's upwards, i've no problem dating older women but with my youthful face... i dont know what to do.. anywho i'll stop rambling on, any advice or insight would be appreciated..

beks101

Hi OP,

The first thing I'll say is, breathe . This is not life or death, and it's one of those situations that gets more difficult the more you over-think it. The more fatalistic and anxious and insecure and depressed and 'I'm going to die alone!!!' you get about it, the more negative your demeanour becomes and thus the more you reduce your chances of attracting someone.

I think I can safely speak for all womankind when I say the most attractive guy in any room is going to be the guy with the smile on his face, chatting and joking and laughing away casually and not taking himself too seriously. It's hard to exude this sort of confidence and ease with yourself when you're constantly scouring the room for a potential date and over-analysing yourself, wondering what you should and shouldn't be doing to attract the opposite sex. You sound like a great guy with a lot to offer, now it's time you started to believe it. You're 25, try to let your number 1 priority be ENJOYING YOURSELF when you're out, rather than meeting someone to date.

Dating is a tough business and you'll face lots of rejection, lots of first-only dates and unreturned phone calls and 'thanks but no thanks's. This is true for everyone, regardless of looks and confidence, so the key is to take a light-hearted approach when you meet someone new. From your OP it sounds like you may have been doing the opposite of this. I've had a few dates where a guy would rush in over-eagerly, smother me with texts and phone calls and just generally jumping ahead of the game, instead of allowing things to develop naturally, which put me right off. It's obvious when someone takes that approach that they just want a relationship, any relationship, and it doesn't really matter who I am, so they don't really have the patience or the security within themselves to allow things to happen organically. It really is a passion killer and can scare people off.

The next thing I'm going to say will sound like a contradiction, but I think it's important to consider. How proactive have you been when you've been on dates in the past few years? What I mean is, when you met someone you liked, did you make it known to the girl that you'd like to meet again, did you make a move on the girl at the end of the night, did you follow up and suggest further dates? It's a thin, but very important, line between asserting yourself and making your intentions known...versus coming across as desperate and a bit over-eager, but it's a balance that is important to achieve. The key is to relax, take the whole dating process in your stride and don't pin all your hopes on any one woman in the early stages.

The last thing I'll say is stop comparing yourself to your brother. His life is entirely separate from yours and maybe he's happily single, who knows. If you continue to choose to view your singledom as a personal inadequacy, something negative and shameful and painful, it's going to erode your confidence even more and the whole situation will turn into a vicious circle. Dating is a numbers game, some people get lucky early on, others have to work harder at it, even more people will jump from destructive relationship to destructive relationship. At least you're not one of those people!

LegacyUser

Just a quick message, no real advice but just to say I wouldn't worry too much. I met my boyfriend when he was 29 and he'd never been in any real realtionship just the odd date and things going well nearly 2 yrs on.

Crossroads86

hi Beks thanks for replying and what you said makes a lot of sense.. it does come across in my post that i take it seriously and i'll admit thats true, although it hasn't been my entire focus as i've other problems in my life and id say they're a lot to do with my sense of loneliness making me try to find someone.. you could say if i fixed some of those problems other things would fall into place but i've been trying for a very long time with no luck..

to one of the points you made i've never doggedly txted or phoned a girl i've more sense than to scare her away and in my OP i've said i know girls can sense if you're insecure etc and i've mostly come across confident, to the question about how proactive have i been in dates i've been able to tell by a girls body language etc if she wanted to kiss me or not and i've always taken the initiative..

i guess i just dont like the idea of leaving things to chance or fate and with my brother i mentioned him because we're very similar and he's not happily single he's actually very lonely.. i've been told it doesn't matter if i find someone tomorrow or if im 50 but it does to me, i mean if they wanted something enough they're not going to wait a few decades to achieve it, everyone has something that might seem trivial or not that important to other people but is important to them.. i guess because so many things have gone wrong for me in the past and having a relationship is something i want that i think it'll just be something else that wont happen..

blueyedson

hey man,
you might be surprised to know that although many your age have had a few relationships ,its not too uncommon to not have had a proper relationship at your age. I knew a few growing up in similar situations to yourself.

one thing to keep in mind about meeting someone, you must be yourself in the relationship. you musn't have to try so hard that your not being yourself. this is important as you could throw years away with the wrong perosn just for the sake of being with someone.

you mentioned also you have had knocks in confidence when approaching girls and getting rejected. as a previous poster mentioned this is part of life. but maby you are using an approach that leaves yourself more vunerable for getting hurt.

for example if you try a chat up line or ask a direct question like would you like to dance, most likely you will be shot down straight away. But if your approach is more like just making light hearted conversation and take it from there. you will get a feel pretty quickly if the vibes are good. if vibes are not good you can move on without too much bad feelings.

Also, try go do different places for nightlife, as in the next town, a different club in town, another city or holiday etc.

You will find that some girls will be interested in you for who you are; as in the interests you mentioned. Just try to be at ease with yourself. Remember they can be just as nervous as you.