impossible ex wives/partners

LegacyUser

I am a separated lady with children and my partner is also separated. No problems between us at all and no problems with my ex and me or our children. The problems lie with my partners ex . Mother of his children who is making our life impossible with her constant deluge of abusive texts and constant calling regarding every little thing with the children. She makes his access difficult always calling the shots . Im just sick of it all it has been constant for the last few years and im starting to think now it will never end . It this what i have to put up with for the rest of my days. Why cant ex s move on . Surely every body is entitled to a second chance. All parents love their children in there own way and do there best when separated to stay involved in there lives. He pays maintainence she got house etc. I know so many ex wives who get nothing myself included oh why cant she not leave him alone. Id love to read some other ex s opinions who have moved on and how you got there. thanks

rainbow kirby

Moved from tLL to RI.

LegacyUser

OP how bad is this ex? Reason I ask is that my ex-husband's partner hates me texting him.
I would be inclined to text about the kids and I really have no interest in him but she canot handle it.
I think I should be able to text about mine and his kids. He is their father, and was long before she was around. I really don't care if it upsets her because I want him involved with his kids as much as possible.
So from my point of view he now contacts me on the sly regarding the kids because she gives him so much grief.
I have no interest in him at all and could chat to him all day about the kids because we are their parents. No one else enjoys my kids as much as him, and I think he should be allowed to know all the little things good and bad about his kids. But he is reduced to finding out on the sly, and he resents her for that.
I could text him all day about kids but I am not in love with him, I don't want him back.
Hope I don't offend you, I just trying to help.

LegacyUser

Hi op here. I have no problem in his ex texting regarding his children arrangements or important info regarding the children that is not what she does. Firstly it is the time that she texts and calls eg. really late at night or really early in morning even though she would have known things at regular hours. Also it is the attitude of such texts almost goading in a nasty smarmy way like she is such a fantastic mother and he is a neglectful Father. Its hurtful to him and I just dont get why she cant communicate in a civil manner and get on with her own life and let us get on with ours. I have three children from my previous marriage and my ex and I communicate occasionally regarding arrangements finances etc. civillily and within normal hours. You sound like you are similar to me have moved on and can be mature regarding the children. Oh if only all ex s could be so normal.

Fentdog84

OP, your partner needs to stand up to his ex, and tell to stop her behaviour, txting late at night etc. It sounds like she's still hurting about the past or is jealous of his new relationship(is she in a relationship?). She thinks she is holding all the power(access to the kids etc) but he needs to make it clear he wont be doormatted on this.

To the other poster, the same. He needs to sort it out with his partner and get her to realise she's not the centre of the planet.

Sleepy

Ah, be fair Fentdog84, the ex is holding all the power here. This is Ireland. A father is just an ATM in the eyes of the courts.

metrovelvet

OP, there are no second chances, there are no clean slates. Things carry on in a continnuum.

If the relationship is going to change, they will have to change it and go to relationship counselling.

Divorce doest stop the fighting, it only changes it.

You can't expect others to model their communications on what you and your ex do, different people, different histories.

I have a number of friends who live in different time zones, and I get texts at weird hours. And you know what? I dont care. If I dont want to be disturbed, it goes on silent.

I only have one child that I am raising by myself, and I notice that by the time Ive put him to bed, cleaned up the kitchen, loaded the dishwasher, blah blah blah, its about 10 pm and thats when I can make phone calls in peace without a small child in the background.

LegacyUser

OP, I know exactly what you are going through. I've been through the same hell for one year and half now. The fact is the fathers don't have the balls to set up limits to the ex. They will give you the talk that it's the law, "Irish law against the fathers etc etc" which is true to a certain extent.

BUT…the problem is, they want to have the cake and eat it:

1) They want to keep their relationship with the ex as peaceful as possible (you know, men are terrified of relationship discussion or any kind of grief from women…). They want to keep seeing the child and discussing the child with the mother as if nothing had changed between them.

2) They want to have a new girlfriend/partner who loves them, loves their children, is fun, doesn't ask for their money (since his money and house went to the ex), who finds it "normal" to have to follow every whim of his ex and is just so thankful for being third (fourth, fifth) fiddle.

1) and 2) don't work together if we have any decent amount of self-respect and self-esteem.

And the other problem is, these exes from hell didn’t move on. Never got a life. They are frustrated with their stupid life. They are now Mama Drama, sitting at home (read, your boyfriend's home) feeling lonely and abandoned and putting up with the child – "so why should the father be happy?", they wonder. That's where the texts about how wonderful mommy is and how horrible daddy is come from.

I'm not generalizing, but for what I noticed, the ones that give trouble and are unreasonable are the ones that have been for years and years now without being able to find a partner or even a date, and therefore want to make your boyfriend's life miserable – and consequently yours!

Either the man learns to put boundaries and realize they have to compromise a bit if they want to have 1 & 2, or you have to be a doormat. Or you leave.

Trust me, I tried SO HARD. My self-esteem is completely gone and I'm so so so desperatly hurt. But I thought there should be some magic solution.

The magic solution will be when the man finally loses a handful of relationships because of the ex and finally, being a man, decides he needs to stand up to the ex if he ever wants to have an adult emotional and sexual relationship again.

Sorry if I come across as harsh, but I just left my partner because of this. He is a wonderful sweet man and I thought he was "the one". His kid is adorable and we get along and life could be beautiful… yet! He has no balls and his ex will forever walk over him and humiliate him and laugh at it – until maybe one day she finally finds a man that actually wants her and leaves the world alone.

I'm out of here, and it hurts like hell. It's really infuriating because other than the ex, everything could be perfect.

Time heals though, that's what they say…

Best of luck to you.

PS. Btw, from my experience, if you complain about the ex, you are the one giving your bf grief, the ex will always be the "poor misunderstood mother of his child", and you will be the "nagging jealous selfish non-understanding gf"

No win situation.

LegacyUser

Hi exhausted, thank you for replying to my post. I can identify completely with everything you said so well put also. I am sorry you had to walk away from your partner Im hoping that i dont end up having to do the same. I have such a problem with his ex wife I feel like it is taking over my life and in turn taking over my relationship. Love the expression Drama Mama you would think she was the only single parent on the planet. I have spoken many times to my partner about her and he has spoken to her about moving on etc... but it all falls on deaf ears. I do think that if she met somebody it would make such a difference. Im guessing she hasnt because if she had why would she be bother texting my partner all the time about all her woes and complaints. I think myself she is not really a very happy person doesnt particularly enjoy being a parent and generally miserable in her life. Well im sorry but that is not my fault. I was a single parent I adore my kids loved every minute of bringing them up and we all get on great now . We have such fun and happy times together and i suppose in some way this makes up for the background whinings of ex. Suppose i will just plod on and see what happens but Id love to leave the country and her whining behind us.

Hope things work out for you in the future.

sunnie

Hi exhausted.
I can relate to your post. I my partner has a chid and his ex had done nothing but cause us hell the past yr we have been together. I am now living with him and we get his child a few days every week. She is constantly texting about every single thing she can think of to get in contact with him, she hates that we are living together and always gives out when we go and do something with the child with out her, Jellousy i guess but its doing my head in. we cant have a nornal well near to normal relationship cause of her, he's paying maintainance and adores his child, he would go out of his way for anyone and she is using that against him. it has come to the stage now that as soon as i hear the phone going off my heart thribs, thinking is it her and whats uo now. she cant seem to move on. its puttin a strain on our relationship and dont know how to deal with it anymore, i look like the bad one when i tut or say something when she texts, he cant stand up to her cause she'll make his life hell and stop him from seeing his child. a no win situation alright. If i could just learn to deal n handle things better im hopeing that'll get better in time.
Any advice would be greatly honored as im at my wits end.:(
I love my boyfirend and want to be with him and his child, i just want things a little easier.

exwivesclub

exwivesclub wrote: »

Love the expression Drama Mama you would think she was the only single parent on the planet.

you were a single mother, give her a break!!
just because your happy with her ex and she is in contact doesnt mean she wants him!!
maybe she wants to be able to contact him purely because her kids do!!

Ickle Magoo

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