Unusual death; can't talk about it

LegacyUser

I have to take the plunge, have wanted to talk about this with someone for so long...
Someone I loved dearly died in a strange way, along the lines of Michael Hutchence and Kristian Digby (tv presenter).(I am not going to put up details as I feel it is inappropriate for anyone to just read. If you know those names, you have the clue).

I just can't grieve properly knowing that I just cant talk about the way this person died. When people ask, I am so vague about what happened.

The thing is I know there must be someone else out there going through this too. It has such a stigma about it, there are no support groups and I feel so alone. Only my immediate family know what happened and we just can't really talk about it. I hope someone else is out there, that can understand.I think I would have coped so much better if it had been a car accident or even suicide. At least there are support groups for that. I know the pain of losing someone doesn't go away no matter how they died, but I just want to be able to talk freely and not feel ashamed and have to cover it all up.

LegacyUser

i had to endure the pain of losing a couple of loved ones in the space of a few weeks, this was not so long ago, long enough to remember though, although i will never forget them they will always live on in my memory through music ect.. i will feel happiness thinking about them but tears will always come following the thoughts, i feel your pain OP, you will get through this however hard it will be but they will remain in your thoughts forever. special people do not go forgotten, they will always be remembered.

dominiquecruz

Hi OP. Just stumbled across your post now.

First and foremost, I'm terribly sorry for your loss and would like to offer my sincere condolences. It must be a very difficult time for you.

There are two quick things I'd like to say to you, which may or may not be of help:

1) There is no reason for you, or any of your loved ones, to be ashamed of the manner in which this person died. It is not within anybody's rights to be judgemental, as a very real fact of life is that everybody gets up to different things behind closed doors. Unfortunately, for this particular person, the result of misadventure was tragic. Sometimes, the only way to break a stigma is to be frank about it. If people ask, perhaps it might be an idea to just tell them what happened? I know it might seem embarrassing, but quite honestly, life is just a series of embarrassments for everyone involved, and the sooner we learn to laugh at ourselves the easier it gets. Obviously, you can word it in whatever delicate terms you want. At the end of the day, it all comes back to the age-old mantra of who gives a flying f*(k what anyone else thinks? This person was somebody you loved, who I'm sure was a great person in life, and thus deserves the utmost respect even in death.

2) Just to point out (without negating the above), theres absolutely no reason why you need to relay to anyone the cause of death. Its none of their business, and you have absolutely no obligation to divulge any details. Again, not because its something to be ashamed of, just because death - under all circumstances - is a private matter. The only people that should know are loved ones, who a) I'm sure know already and b) will know better than to be judgemental.

Lastly, if you're too embarrassed to speak to anyone about your grief, it might be worth visiting a bereavement counsellor? This will be entirely confidential, and your counsellor will be nothing but professional. They will listen to everything you want to say, and you'll find its good to get things off your chest. Hope that helps OP. Take care of yourself.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

I am one of those people who are bothered about what other people think; I can pretend outwardly that I don't, but I really do. But I really want to be able to talk about it, because I feel it would help me, but I have to consider my family, who had to fight to keep it out of the press and media (because of who they are)and they want to keep it quiet.This really compromises me.

I often hear comedians refer to it in a derogatory way, which makes me sit up in shock. Is there a whole subculture about this that I have no idea about? Are there loads of people in my position who have lost someone in this way trying to keep quiet, worrying about how other people are going to laugh etc, in a disrespectful way?

Ok, death is not glamorous, but I can't help thinking about how this person was found, and they would have been so ashamed, it was such a private moment. Also I am still shocked, because you think you know someone and this person was such a wonderful character and not a bad word could be said etc, so when something like this happens, you are disappointed that you didn't know them as well as you thought. Also the fact that it was such a stupid thing to do as well, just baffles me from someone so meticulous and sensible. I will forever be asking 'why?' It just seems to add to the pain of the loss.

I just wish there was a support group, because it seems such a tricky one to talk about to anyone.

Thanks for reading.

CK2010

dont be ashamed. there was nothing 'bad' about this apart from the outcome. it doesnt change this persons character. it doesnt lessen them as a person. try to remember this. i have a link for you that may help but i cant PM it cause you're unreg so if u want me to post it here i will or if you want to keep it private you can PM me.
let me know.

sam34

soaloneinthis wrote: »

Ok, death is not glamorous, but I can't help thinking about how this person was found, and they would have been so ashamed, it was such a private moment. Also I am still shocked, because you think you know someone and this person was such a wonderful character and not a bad word could be said etc, so when something like this happens, you are disappointed that you didn't know them as well as you thought

op I sympathise with you on your loss. but the above stood out for me as a little odd... the manner of this persons death does not change the fact that they were a wonderful person.

also, when you say you were disappointed you didn't know them as well as you thought- sorry but we're talking about how someone masturbates and gets sexual pleasure here, most people keep that very private, so that even people who know them really well don't know the finer details. even more so when it's something like autoerotic asphyxiation which is considered a bit out-there by many... people just aren't going to talk about that. I mean, do many of those close to you know what you get up to in the bedroom? as you said yourself it was a private moment. many people don't even share this stuff with partners/ spouses.


i don't think you will find a specific group for this but perhaps a bereavement counsellor may be able to help you.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the link that was sent to me. (CK2010).It is at last, a support group and seems very active.It might help as it is full of people who will understand. I am so reassured by just how many are on there too.

sam34 I didn't mean to sound 'odd'! (eek!!) What I meant was I am shocked that I didn't know this person in the respect that I thought they were so sensible and careful, and those are two words I would have put at the top of the list when describing them. I am dismayed that this is obviously not the case. (I was not shocked about the fact that they were having a 'private' time, what goes on behind doors and all that is private, and I am not interested in any of anybody elses business!). I thought I knew this person as we were so close. Please don't take it as odd!

This is why I worry about what people think. If I say the wrong words, or if I am not clear, it's because I am so emotional about it all.I feel people will get me wrong. Glad to be given the link for the website though.From what I have read, I know they would understand, so I am going to give it a whirl.
Thanks.

CK2010

glad to have helped. its great that its active too so you can have ongoing support.

you're not odd at all. and i think i understand what you meant when you said that about not knowing them etc. its not like you expect to know the ins and outs of their personal activities but its weird when you discover something personal about someone especially when it seems out of the ordinary, and in these circumstances its even more strange for you. its not weird.

also, there are no right or wrong things to say when it comes to the death of a loved one. or anyone for that matter. everyone is different and we all deal with things differently. dont be afraid to talk about how you feel, nobody will think badly of you.

I am a friend

I am interested in your thread as I lost my only sibling this year under difficult circumstances. It wasnt the same but still in a manner that is stigmatised.... I dont know what to do. I am so annoyed with people for thinking badly of them and for upsetting my parents with their stupid questions and comments but I just cant protect them from everyone.

I am also so annoyed with my sibling for letting this happen as it was so unnecessary... I am so annoyed....

LegacyUser

I know how you feel! Is there a support group relevant for you? the one that I was given a link to has been a help to me. If there is a group for something like what I needed (pretty controversial subject), there may well be one for you too? I really hope so. It really helps to talk to someone who understands exactly how you feel. I hope you find one.

LegacyUser

I lost my son 5 years ago because he was practicing AeA We had his Memorial last night. I feel like Im so angry and so lost and alone. I live in Richmond Virginia and after the first year I finally found a berievment councelor but it was a preachers wife.Im Pagan and I could see and hear all the judgement in her voice. I cant go to groups for parents that lost their children because they lost their children to disease and accidents or suicide.......this really sucks, I hurt so bad.............anyway....your not alone

LegacyUser

So sorry to hear of your loss. It is so hard to grieve when unable to talk about how they died freely, without worrying about reactions etc (hard enough to get your own head around it). I don't think people can understand this type of bereavement unless they have been there themselves, it's just too hard.

See if you can get the link from CK2010 (I have no idea how to post a link myself, as not too computer literate!). It's a support group, I think based in USA, as most on it are American. They have been very supportive, and you will be surprised at just how many are on it.

Unfortunately it is far more common than people think, and is often explained away as 'suicide' or 'an accident'. People just can't talk about it openly. The support group is helping me, so it should help you too. Thinking of you and wishing you well.

Tam Evans

Thank you so much for your understanding. I used to belong o a yahoo support group but it attracted a very strange lot of looky loos. I'll try to find yhis other one.

Bless

DeVore

You can all always welcome here. This is a protect space and I hope it brings you some peace. No one is even known fully by anyone, that doesn't mean they hid from you.
I hope you realise now, you are not alone.

DeV.

Tam Evans

Thank You
ive decided to go to the water tomorrow and get centered a bit. Maybe the sound of it will help me quiet my heart.

LegacyUser

Hi "Tam", if you would like I will pm you and we can talk. Let me know and I will go ahead and do this. I can understand the loneliness, and how you feel about it all.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies everyone.

I am glad that nobody has reacted in a negative way.I worry about reactions when I tell people, as I have seen elsewhere on boards that it is a 'laughing matter' (after hours) and I have also heard comedians joke about it.The reality is that it is extremely painful to deal with. I feel unable to talk about it freely and this makes it so hard to grieve properly.I dread someone asking me what happened as I don't know what I will say. The support group is a start though. I am shocked and surprised that there are so many in it. (the tip of an iceberg I think).

Maybe my posting has helped other people too, I hope so.

Thanks for reading and being non-judgemental.