I'm Disgusted with Myself.

LegacyUser

I am sick to my stomach. I can't help thinking that I've messed everything up and I don't know what to do.

I'm with someone 8 years. We're not married, but we have a good relationship. We're happy, we have a good sex life, a child, a nice home, nice car, want for nothing. We're not rich by any means but we're not struggling. The other day, a man that I added on facebook a while back popped up on chat. I was bored, I was on my own, my partner at this point had gone to bed after being out for a couple of hours. (He doesn't have a drink problem, he only goes out one night a week). I also had a few cans on me. The man in question was someone that I kissed about 10 years ago, nothing serious. Initially the conversation was just catching up - "how are you, etc". I told him I was with someone, had a child, he said he was single, etc. Gradually, the conversation got a bit flirty. He said "I'm living in town now, would be nice to meet up sometime". I replied "We don't go out at the weekends much, I'm not really into nightclubs anymore". He replied "I hope you don't cheat on that man of yours". I replied that I never have, and I never would. (Gospel truth, I've never laid my hands on another man since the day I met him). Then the chat stepped up a notch, and without being too graphic, it ended with me sending him a topless picture, and him sending me one of...his..area. I don't know why I did it. I feel sick, I feel disgusting, I feel terrified that I've ruined everything and that somehow my partner will find out. What scares me is at the time, how the hell did I not stop myself? HOW did any part of my usually logical brain think that this was a good idea at 2 a.m. after a few drinks? I am not using the drinks as an excuse by the way, I wouldn't accept that as an excuse from anyone else. I literally feel like smacking myself across the face because I've been so fking stupid. 8 years and I could lose everything. I'm sick. I don't even know what I expect anyone to say - I suppose if I'm honest, the attention was flattering. I chose to continue and I chose to talk that way. I've never been more disgusted with myself in all my life and I just want to crawl into bed and never get out.

I know what I'd reply if I saw this - you only have yourself to blame. And it's the truth. But if I'm honest, it's taken this to show me how much I don't want to lose what I have. Before this, if I'm honest, I took everything for granted. I took my partner for granted. I know I would never find someone like that again if this ended. I don't know what I'd do if I lost everything. I know, it serves me right. Has anyone been in a remotely similar situation? I hate myself so, so much. I did think I was over-reacting but I'm not sure if I am or not, I can't seem to put this into perspective at all. I don't know what to do. I don't even know what I'm asking. My head is melted and my stomach is literally in knots, I've been physically sick since yesterday. Help.

Miss Fluff

Are you still in touch with this guy?

Groom!

Un add him from Facebook and delete his number from your phone if you have it. Did you email a pic or text? (In other words is the pic still out there?)

Stop beating yourself up about it. It was stupid and you realise that now. You will have to move on and forget about it.

omahaid

Can you be identified from the photo? If not then yes, maybe put it behind you. If you can be identified then you have a problem in that this will probably bother you until you know the photo is erased.

coolcat63

You've been a bit of prat. It happens. You know your partner so it's up to you whether you tell him and accept his annoyance and/or laughter or keep schtum. But on a scale of 1-10 of being 'a bad person' you're about a 0.5!

Keep away from the keyboard when you're having a drink in future

CK2010

having been in pretty much the same position as your partner (and finding out) i have to tell you it hurts- alot. it may seem like nothing and that i am being OTT but the thing that hurt more was that he kept it from me, i found out and then he continued to try and lie his way out of it.
(although having said that i dunno how i would've reacted if he had told me out of the blue! :pac: id have been like wtf?!!)

but the whole lying and betrayal got to me more than the actual act if you get me. you can try and forget about it and never tell him but you will have to live with the fact that there is a huge lie existing within your relationship,and also the fact that he may find out and be more annoyed at you for lying to him on top of betraying him the way you did.

just put yourself in his shoes and decide what you think he deserves.
alsofor next time- dont do anything you wouldnt do if he was sitting right next to you.

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff, no I'm not. And I haven't seen him physically in about 9 years - I haven't bumped into him and I don't know where he's living. I haven't got his number, he hasn't got mine, I haven't heard from him since and I've blocked him off my Facebook, and I've blocked his e-mail address. We don't have any mutual friends.

Groom, I uploaded the photo to a sharing site (one that you don't have to register on) and sent him the link - when the sobriety hit the next morning I clicked on the link and the photo hadn't been saved to the site. Whether or not he saved it to his phone, I don't know.

Omahaid, My face was partially covered by my hair so I don't know if I'd be identifiable or not - saying that, the likelihood of him showing it to anyone I know is slim to none. I hope. oh GOD.

Coolcat63 & CK2010, He definitely wouldn't laugh. He was badly hurt in the relationship he had before me, so it took a long, long time for him to even trust me fully. I've been a complete and utter IDIOT. I can't come out of the blue and say it to him, because I know that it would kill him - he'd automatically think that I'd been up to more, I know he would. There's no way in hell I'd be able to convince him that it went no further, and I know damn well he'd never trust me again. Everything we've built up over the last 8 years would be destroyed.

I can't believe that I was such a fool. I don't know whether or not to try and just look at it as a lesson to stay the hell away from the laptop after a few and look at it as teaching me to appreciate what I have? That seems like I'm letting myself off the hook, when in a sick way I nearly wish he'd do something stupid so that I could feel better about myself. He doesn't deserve this, and I can't tell him. He'd read far more into it, when in reality I think I was just drunk, lonely, bored and h*rny. Ugh, I'm horrible. HORRIBLE.

oncebitten

I would try to forget about it and have no further contact with this man. Maybe send him a quick message saying that you're mortified and it was completely out of character and you'd really appreciate it if he would delete the pic. If he's any way decent at all he should respect this.

I wouldn't tell your partner, I can't see how it would help your relationship and you seem horrified enough that it's unlikely to happen again. Don't beat yourself up too much, no one is perfect.

sbsquarepants

coolcat63 wrote: »

You've been a bit of prat. It happens. You know your partner so it's up to you whether you tell him and accept his annoyance and/or laughter or keep schtum. But on a scale of 1-10 of being 'a bad person' you're about a 0.5!

Keep away from the keyboard when you're having a drink in future

Jesus, i'm glad you're not my girlfriend! I'd have it at an 8 or a 9 to be honest.

OP - There's not much you can really do about it now, by the sounds of things you're not likely to repeat it, you know you've made a big mistake and you quite obviously regret it - so just learn from it and move on!

Maguined

If you care about your partner you should tell him. Yes you may lose him but if you really love him and respect him then honesty is the only proper option you have. It is not fair to him if you just decide to keep it to yourself and carry on as normal.

You made a mistake, you know it so you can either take the responsibility for it and be honest with him or you can make a further mistake by lying to him.

Distorted

What is it about the internet and people on here? I don't even add randoms on FB and certainly don't chat with them, I just find them really irritating and annoying - the fact that they spend all their time on the internet chatting up women they barely know is enough to make them utterly disinteresting surely? And I can't say I've ever been tempted to send a topless photo to anyone either, much less a random stranger on the internet. What on earth got into you OP? I mean, it must have taken a bit of time to take the phote and then send it, its not instant.

So either I think you've got to accept that there is something in your character that makes you want to do this stuff and ask yourself if that is the sort of person you want to be, or did you really fancy this man and are you bored with your relationship? Even if the latter, you must have quite low boundaries if you sent a topless photo to a man you barely know. I could understand in a way flirting with someone you met and got to know and were attracted to, but some random creep on the internet?

I wouldn't tell your partner - I can't see what good it would do him and it would only cause him hurt and anxiety. I would however question whether you are happy in this relationship/getting enough attention? Perhaps you are someone that needs a lot of attention?

Forever Hopeful

OP, give yourself a break. You didn't sleep with the guy. It was a combination of drink and being able to hide behind a pc. I wouldn't tell your partner. Its not worth telling him. Now if you had slept with this guy, then that would be a different story.
Try and put it behind you...You've blocked him now.

carolinespring

OP, you did a foolish thing but you have to move on. Delete this guy from face book and delete the link to the phot plus the pic he sent you. Learn your lesson and get on with your life.

As for telling your partner, only you can know if that is the right thing to do but think long and hard before you do. Are you telling him to ease you guilt or so that you have no secrets?

I wish you all the best.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies. Just to clarify - he wasn't just some randomer, I'd known him for years back home, but hadn't bumped into him in a long, long time. The general consensus seems to be to try and move on from it? Even checking this thread made me feel nauseous.

Distorted, your reply was the most like what I've been asking myself. At the time, I lost all sense of morality and basically sold myself out for a bit of attention. I didn't think that I was unhappy in my relationship, and I'm not, but surely to god there must be something wrong with me if this is how I behave? I can't understand it myself, I have no explanation for why I did what I did. I can even understand a bit of flirting - but how I felt it was no problem to take it up a notch is beyond me. I actually can't believe it happened.

No, I didn't sleep with him or even kiss him, or even speak to him, but I'm starting to think that I'm not being honest with myself - I don't have very many friends and i don't go out much. I think I was delighted that someone thought that I was even worth chatting to. I spend most of my days alone, because my partner is busy, and my job is very solitary. I spend an awful lot of time in my own head and I don't know if I'm even seeing things clearly anymore. Surely at the age of 30 I should have outgrown all this childish crap? Isn't this the type of thing that kids do? I feel so lonely and so sad and so guilty. If I tell him what I did, being honest, it would only be to relieve my own guilt because that would be the end of us - the end of our family. I hate myself so much.

fungun

did you actually take the picture for him there and then?

i guess from a male perspective id find it more understanding that you linked a picture you already had, as thats the kind of thing you could misjudge when drunk. Id be a bit pissed off alright but not majorly. But if you actually took the pic there and then, uploaded it and linked to it....well tbh you had time enough to have second thoughts and thats enough of a 'decision' that would damage my trust in you if i was going out with you.

thecookingapple

Stop hating yourself is my first advice: you can’t change what’s been done, but you can change what is to come.

Do not tell your partner; what you did was wrong, no doubt! But people tend to place all the blame and punishment on the people who take the first step on the road to breaking up without examining their own part to play.

reading between the lines there is something not right with your relationship, your lonely and isolated, lost in your own thoughts, having low esteem and actually thinking you’re lucky that another person wants to interact with you all points to varying degrees of unhappiness and being unfulfilled.

You need to sit your BF down maybe in a relaxed romantic environment and talk about your future and all though everything is OK, you’re not quite ready to accept OK, occasional sex is all very well but what keeps relationships healthy and vibrant is emotional and mental stimulation.

I would hazard a guess now that you’re BF and you:

Hardly hug or kiss outside of occasional sex

Randomly surprise each other

Have interesting and mutual benefitting conversations.

Discuss vital and exciting future plans.

Share life’s little and big things that happen on a daily/weekly/monthly basis.

And all the rest of the things that keep a relationship fresh, healthy and stimulated.

It is vital that your BF knows you are interested and attracted to him and the opposite is also true, you both need to reignite the spark that has gone low, you can’t blame your partner in you becoming isolated and lonely but you can do something about it, life is to be enjoyed and if you are going to share that with someone then you might as well get the best from it, stop being isolated, lonely and imp guessing feeling unloved, forget about the pictures at this stage they are not even important, in later years maybe they will be the thing that saved your family.

Talk to your BF; explain how you feel and where you want to be in the future and how you want a loving fulfilled family life.

Also gain new interests you cannot 100% expect another person to fully stimulate you all the time.

Best of luck.

fungun

Im sorry I dont see how you can advise to have a fulfilling relationship based on sharing all life's little things and big things....and also counsel not telling him that whilst with him she sent topless photos of herself to someone else.

There are many types of relns. Different ones work for different people. But if the reln you seek is one where you do share everything with him, then you cannot keep this a secret, it will eat you up from the inside and you will eventually tell him. Understanding what kind of person you are and what kind of reln you have is the key to what you should do here.

LegacyUser

If My partner did that I would rather not know. And in the great scheme of things it's not a big deal in my opinion. My advice would be to tell your partner if you think he could possibly find out, if you're confident he won't find out then let it go, and forgive yourself. You didn't **** this guy, you just let him see a pic of your tits. Your boyfriend would prob be upset and it's not worth the upset.

I am a friend

I too would rather not know... Its not good but at the end of the day, you dont intend to do it again so let it lie for this time...

ppink

OP relax for heavens sake!!

So you did something dumb, big swing! by the sounds of it you are giving yourself a harder time than anyone else could give you.

you deleted the pic, it could easily be one he had of you years ago if he kept it and honestly it is not like it was a steamy sex scene. I mean you could just as easily be snapped on a beach topless!

if you only realised how the teens of todya are carrying on wiht the pics they share of themselves and the carry on in night clubs etc. you little pic pales into insignificance;)

thecookingapple

fungun wrote: »

Im sorry I dont see how you can advise to have a fulfilling relationship based on sharing all life's little things and big things....and also counsel not telling him that whilst with him she sent topless photos of herself to someone else.

There are many types of relns. Different ones work for different people. But if the reln you seek is one where you do share everything with him, then you cannot keep this a secret, it will eat you up from the inside and you will eventually tell him. Understanding what kind of person you are and what kind of reln you have is the key to what you should do here.

No doubt it was wrong but it is not worth potentially breaking up a family for which is a possibilty seeing how people tend to over react, in my opinion it would be better from here on in to find the reason why she did this and try to make her relationship with her Bf better.

My point about telling the little and big things would apply now as obviously it is something that maybe has not been happening and therefore contributed to the relationship becoming stale.

Anyway this is only my advice and opinion and i could be completely wrong in my assumptions and indeed advice concerning the OP, but i was under the impression that is what this forum was for, analysing other peoples posts is redundant as i am not the one seeking advice or approval from you or anyone else, if you have advice for the OP then that is where you should direct it, seemingly hogging threads is common for peoples superior ego disorder to prevail is quite prevailing here.

Boskowski

Distorted wrote: »

What is it about the internet and people on here? I don't even add randoms on FB and certainly don't chat with them, I just find them really irritating and annoying - the fact that they spend all their time on the internet chatting up women they barely know is enough to make them utterly disinteresting surely? And I can't say I've ever been tempted to send a topless photo to anyone either, much less a random stranger on the internet. What on earth got into you OP? I mean, it must have taken a bit of time to take the phote and then send it, its not instant.

So either I think you've got to accept that there is something in your character that makes you want to do this stuff and ask yourself if that is the sort of person you want to be, or did you really fancy this man and are you bored with your relationship? Even if the latter, you must have quite low boundaries if you sent a topless photo to a man you barely know. I could understand in a way flirting with someone you met and got to know and were attracted to, but some random creep on the internet?

I wouldn't tell your partner - I can't see what good it would do him and it would only cause him hurt and anxiety. I would however question whether you are happy in this relationship/getting enough attention? Perhaps you are someone that needs a lot of attention?

You didn't read the post much did you? Just going off on your usual rant...

Anyway..

OP you've been bold and this night is something you probably won't ever be proud of. But we all have had those kinds of moments in our lives, that's what makes us human. Don't beat yourself up too much over it. If it disgusts you that much just make sure you don't do it again.
Make sure if the guy tries to stay in contact you're clear to him about this and then try to forget about this little episode.

louise5754

I was in a similar situation ( no topless pics though!!) chatting with a guy on facebook . He is married with a little boy and he used to pop up on my chat then he would get very flirty. Sometimes I would flirt right back especially if my boyfriend was out. Then one day I felt sick at what I was doing even though it was just a bit of banter I knew this guy would want to take it to the next level. He even asked me to go away with him for the night!!
Since then I stay offline with my chat and have spoke to my boyfriend about it. That was a risky move because he knows the guy too but knows he is a player (he had quite the reputation!) so wasnt overly mad. I just had an awful vision of this guy saying it to my OH when he was drunk or something so at least my OH is completely aware of the situation.

LegacyUser

I appreciate all the replies, I really do. Thanks especially to thecookingapple and sunflower27.

Thecookingapple, you're spot on, to be honest. I think I've been stuck in a rut for a long, long time and I haven't done anything to change that. I'm going to try and make an effort this weekend to spend some time together just talking, I'm not going to tell him about the picture because I think that'd be a step in the wrong direction - I think to be honest I have enough issues to work through without throwing that into the mix. I haven't been focused on what I want or need at all, and sometimes I feel like my life changed completely the day I met him - for the better, mostly, but in other ways I gave up a lot - friends, homeplace, old job, basically my whole social circle changed because I moved away for him. I don't know if a little bit of me deep down resents that, maybe so. I am going to see if there are any clubs or groups in my area that interest me and see if I could join something, it might make me feel like I can actually contribute to something instead of feeling worthless all the time.

I appreciate all your replies, thank you for being so honest and thank you for taking the time to reply to me. I'm strongly considering deleting my facebook too, to be honest, Louise5754 - I've kept my chat offline and blocked anyone I don't know very, very well. It's too easy to switch the laptop on when you're bored & lonely and feel like someone wants to talk without seeing things from their side - "here's a total idiot coming".

Thanks again x

CK2010

thecookingapple wrote: »

No doubt it was wrong but it is not worth potentially breaking up a family for which is a possibilty seeing how people tend to over react, in my opinion it would be better from here on in to find the reason why she did this and try to make her relationship with her Bf better.

well if it was going to break up the family then the OPs partner would obviously be someone who views this sort of thing as a deal breaker (regardless of whether he is 'over reacting' or not) and so the OP should give him the option to decide knowing the full story, not hide the facts from him.

if he is someone who would end the relationship based on this sort of thing then the OP shouldnt just pretend it never happened just to keep him. if he doesnt want to be with someone that sends topless photos of herself to exes then he shouldnt have to be- simple as. keeping the fact from him is just taking the choice away from him, imo.

and tbh all this 'dont beat yourself up...you were silly' stuff is irrelevant- you did a crappy thing to your OH, let him decide if it was a bad thing or not as hes the person who matters here, not random people on the internet.
i also think its very cowardly to only consider being honest with your OH if theres a chance they'll find out another way.
for all you know he could decide its not worth arguing over and forgive and forget, and if not then at least hes not just staying with you because you're keeping things from him.

Wompa1

Hi OP,

As the other poster asked earlier...did you already have the picture to share or did you take it just to send that guy? If you want to save your relationship you better not tell, even if he didn't break up with you it could be the beginning of the end.

CK2010

Wompa1 wrote: »

If you want to save your relationship you better not tell, even if he didn't break up with you it could be the beginning of the end.

is her flirting online with another guy not the beginning of the end though?

im not trying to argue here, just genuinely interested as to why she should have full control over what is essentially her partners decision to make. she decided to do this to her partner so he should get to decide the consequences surely?

theg81der

Op your protesting alot earlier about your relationship being fine blah blah...but is it?why did you need attension, aren`t you getting it of him? and you mention your not married - would you like to be, because it would be perfectly reasonable after 8 years and a child together someone would be willing to make this basic commitment? I would be concerned anytime I see people together that lenght of time without marriage or at least a reasonable reason (financial etc) why they aren`t moving towards marriage. Maybe you know something your not telling yourself.

Don`t worry thou who is really happy and has a perfect relationship even when married.

Fentdog84

OP you just got caught up in a drunken moment of madness, thats all. A once off. Dont think you should tell your partner, what he dosent know cant hurt him. however if you are so wracked with guilt for long enough and you feel that you have to tell him, do so. If i was the bf, sure i would feel upset but i wouldnt consider it grounds for a break up so long as you were genuinily sorry and that you promised it would never happen again. Although not every guy may react the same. If you explain how feel about what happened the same way you did here, you should be fine.

discus

That's seriously not cool.

What's going to happen when/if that pic starts getting sent around, and your partner or one of his friends finds it? He's going to go ballistic.

Firetrap

Take what happened as a sign that all is not well in your life and act on it to improve things. You can't undo what happened so just move forward and endeavour not to do something like that again. Don't tell your partner either.

Incidentally, you can block selected people on chat in Facebook if you want to keep your page and just cut this guy out

http://www.wikihow.com/Block-Someone-in-Facebook-Chat

DangerMouse27

I dont get people sometimes...
you have to look at it from the other side too..if your partner had sent **** pics of himself to someone else and you found it,,,this place would be in uproar to tell him. Dont tell him though or your relationship is over.

And there was malice in it, drunken yes...but malice none the less. I know alot of couples who get drunk alot..and are very tempted do what you did and dont. Something very wrong with this picture.
Im sorry im being hard but i refuse to see you as a victim.

You're not a very smart person OP. You should be beating yourself up over it because at the end of the day, you got a picture of a lad's dick and a pic of your tits is now around town. If you caught your partner doing this, I'd love to see your reaction..

Terrible terrible terrible thing to do... If it was a random guy, it's not as bad. But a guy you were with before.. Yep, disgusting.
Is that guy ever gonna meet your boyfriend? Or is he gonna get drunk and tell a mate about it?

My advice would be to never do it again and delete the guy.. You have a child and you're sending pics around like a horny 15yr old.