boyfriend doesnt want kids

LegacyUser

my bf doesnt want kids and I do. I dont wanna break up with him or be with anyone else. Its all very confusing.
We are dating 3 years and friends since 04.
I cant imagine my life without him but have always pictured children in my life with the right man....
I really love him and he loves me but just doesnt want kids. He is NOT a bad guy so please dont bash him. We have pretty much always known about this issue but the older I get and the more settled we become it has gotten harder and sadder.... He is such a wonderful partner. Have any of you gone thru this? How did you get over it? I just want some sort of hope that I can deal with this, and not end up resenting him.

LegacyUser

I'm sort of in a similar situation- but in my case I dont want children and my boyfriend does. (I dont want to bare/bear them myself but would possibly adopt). He has said that in the long run he doesn't think we'll end up together, because of this. Friends recommend I get out now, but as you've said yourself I dont want to break up or be with anyone else. Others have said that one of us might change our minds- I dont think this is something to even consider... hoping that he changes his mind will drive you mad.
An awful prospect yes, but I guess you need to prioritise, think about what you really want... With such incompatible views- I'd worry that one of you will end up resenting the other. Its him vs. a life you could possibly have with another guy + kids. Would you risk breaking up with your boyfriend and not finding someone else? These are really tough things to have to think about, but if you both feel so strongly this issue needs to be dealt with.
Mind yourself OP

fungun

This is one of those things that can be very sad. And if both of you are entrenched in your views you will have to choose between him and having children, which is an extraordinarily tough choice. And since you want the change, its you that would have to make the break. I dont envy you.

What age are you? If you are early twenties, then who knows what might change in the next years, might be worth seeing what happens. Otherwise its probably best to try to talk this out with him now, rather than wait another few years and be in the same situation. The key thing is whether either of you can see yourselves potentially changing your mind, how strongly you feel about this etc.

prinz

futureless wrote: »

Have any of you gone thru this? How did you get over it? I just want some sort of hope that I can deal with this, and not end up resenting him.

Have gone through it. Realised the lady in question was very serious about not wanting kids ever. Ended the relationship straight away.

The question comes down to this essentially, do you want to take the chance that in three years time you are posting the same thread here? Or are you willing to change your own wants and plans for the future?

KittyeeTrix

futureless wrote: »

my bf doesnt want kids and I do. I dont wanna break up with him or be with anyone else. Its all very confusing.
We are dating 3 years and friends since 04.
I cant imagine my life without him but have always pictured children in my life with the right man....
I really love him and he loves me but just doesnt want kids. He is NOT a bad guy so please dont bash him. We have pretty much always known about this issue but the older I get and the more settled we become it has gotten harder and sadder.... He is such a wonderful partner. Have any of you gone thru this? How did you get over it? I just want some sort of hope that I can deal with this, and not end up resenting him.

No-one is gonna bash him so don't worry:)
It's perfectly okay for people to not want kids but obviously can create problems in a relationship if one person does.

I suppose you just need to fast forward your life in your head and imagine a future where ye are together with no kids and possibly your friends are with their kids and partners........Will this bother you, is it really bothering you right now??

It's a tough situation to be in but you've already said that it has gotten harder and sadder as ye've becom more settled so my concern is that it will not get any easier and like you've mentioned the resentment could begin especially as the time gets closer to the age where you will not be able to have kids:(

Hope you find some answers on here:)

CuriousGina

I've gone through this too; you have my sympathy, it's very hard. I'd never really thought too hard about whether I wanted children; sometimes, I would daydream idly about it, but didn't have any firm plans. And suddenly I wanted a baby, more than I've ever wanted anything in the world. My husband and I had never talked about it, foolishly, and suddenly I was feeling this desperate longing, and had a husband who was announcing he never wanted kids.

It was horrible. We tried to talk, I cried, he was immoveable. And then, one day, he changed his mind. I still don't know why. I was so happy, and off we went on our baby-making way.

I had some fertility problems, as it turned out, but finally fell pregnant with assistance. We were both nervous and excited during my pregnancy, and when I saw my husband hold our newborn son, I thought that everything had turned out the way it was was supposed to.

But - and you think you get this before you have a child, but you truly can't fully appreciate it - having a baby is hard. And when one partner went into it reluctantly? It's very difficult for that person not to feel some resentment.

My son is nearly three and a half, and our marriage, I don't think, will ever be the same. I suffered from post-natal depression, he went out drinking, I'm still not certain whether he's done anything he shouldn't have. We grew apart, completely, never spoke, except to have horrendous fights. We separated, began counselling, and are living together again. But I don't know what will happen for us. It breaks my heart to look at our wedding photos, and see how our relationship has fallen apart.

I love my son more than I have ever loved anything in this world, and if I lose my marriage, I still will never, not for one nanosecond, regret having him. He's perfect, the light of my life. But I wonder how his, and my, life would be different if he'd been born into a relatiosnhip where both parents wanted him as completely. Don't get me wrong - my husband adores our little boy now, would do anything for him, but my son needs a family, a loving, peaceful, together family, and I don't know if he will get to have that.

Thinking of you, and wishing everythign works out for you.

Taltos

futureless wrote: »

my bf doesnt want kids and I do. I dont wanna break up with him or be with anyone else. Its all very confusing.
We are dating 3 years and friends since 04.
I cant imagine my life without him but have always pictured children in my life with the right man....
I really love him and he loves me but just doesnt want kids. He is NOT a bad guy so please dont bash him. We have pretty much always known about this issue but the older I get and the more settled we become it has gotten harder and sadder.... He is such a wonderful partner. Have any of you gone thru this? How did you get over it? I just want some sort of hope that I can deal with this, and not end up resenting him.

I too am one of those guys.
While younger and dating I always found out early if kids were a long term plan and if so I ended the relationship. Am happily married now to a woman of a similar mind so it all worked out.

Here's the crunch. He is not going to change his mind - will you?
Strongly suggest that you wrap this up before you get more involved and so experience greater pain. This is not a topic on which middle ground can be reached...

I am a friend

Why don’t you have fertility testing done to make sure you can have kids before you need to decide….

If it appears like there is no obvious barrier to you having kids then it’s really decision time. Have been there – its horrible and we broke up partly to do with that reason…

Emme

OP, sometimes you can't have everything you want. You can have no kids with the right guy or have kids with the wrong guy.

Life is about compromises and the older a woman gets the more likely it is that she will have to make compromises.

You have to decide if you want kids more than you want to be with this man.

metrovelvet

CuriousGina wrote: »

I've gone through this too; you have my sympathy, it's very hard. I'd never really thought too hard about whether I wanted children; sometimes, I would daydream idly about it, but didn't have any firm plans. And suddenly I wanted a baby, more than I've ever wanted anything in the world. My husband and I had never talked about it, foolishly, and suddenly I was feeling this desperate longing, and had a husband who was announcing he never wanted kids.

It was horrible. We tried to talk, I cried, he was immoveable. And then, one day, he changed his mind. I still don't know why. I was so happy, and off we went on our baby-making way.

I had some fertility problems, as it turned out, but finally fell pregnant with assistance. We were both nervous and excited during my pregnancy, and when I saw my husband hold our newborn son, I thought that everything had turned out the way it was was supposed to.

But - and you think you get this before you have a child, but you truly can't fully appreciate it - having a baby is hard. And when one partner went into it reluctantly? It's very difficult for that person not to feel some resentment.

My son is nearly three and a half, and our marriage, I don't think, will ever be the same. I suffered from post-natal depression, he went out drinking, I'm still not certain whether he's done anything he shouldn't have. We grew apart, completely, never spoke, except to have horrendous fights. We separated, began counselling, and are living together again. But I don't know what will happen for us. It breaks my heart to look at our wedding photos, and see how our relationship has fallen apart.

I love my son more than I have ever loved anything in this world, and if I lose my marriage, I still will never, not for one nanosecond, regret having him. He's perfect, the light of my life. But I wonder how his, and my, life would be different if he'd been born into a relatiosnhip where both parents wanted him as completely. Don't get me wrong - my husband adores our little boy now, would do anything for him, but my son needs a family, a loving, peaceful, together family, and I don't know if he will get to have that.

Thinking of you, and wishing everythign works out for you.

It could have gone this way too if you had agreed not have kids too and you put your dream aside. As Langston Hughes asks 'what happens to a dream deferred, does it shrivel up like a raisin in the sun?'

My suspicion is that 90% of break ups of long termers come down to someone's dreams not being pursued...

OP, kids are not the be all end all, but if it is a dream of yours that you give up on, you could end up resentful yourself. Choices are not always fun to have, that;s for sure.

Miss Fluff

Taltos wrote: »

Strongly suggest that you wrap this up before you get more involved and so experience greater pain. This is not a topic on which middle ground can be reached...

I agree. The sooner you start the inevitably painful process of deciding whether children or your partner are more important in your life the better. I don't envy you and I do hope you make the right choice