Fall out

LegacyUser

I'm bridesmaid for a wedding mid-August this year. The bride is in a massive strop with me at the moment, and has been bad-mouthing me to her fiance, family, and the 3 other bridesmaids. (History: she fell out with someone about a decade ago, their paths have occasionally crossed since then& not in a good way, I'm a casual acquaintance of the other girl, who now happens to want me to be her bridesmaid also).
I've tried to talk to the first girl directly, thought we were ok, but clearly we aren't, because there are weeks of silences& the odd moody text.
So I'm not in the awkward situation of being piggy-in-the-middle, caught in the middle of a row, years-old at this stage, that had f-all to do with me. (I didn't know either girl at the time, and became friends with both independantly of each other. Never discuss one girl with the other, so no betrayal of confidences).
I'm now dreading the wedding- that's if I'm still even bridesmaid- because I'm being cast as the disloyal friend, and will have a lot of the bridal party shooting me evils for the day. But I'm loath to step down, as that'll be broadcast as me "ruining her day".
I'm not being unsympathetic to what happened my friend at the time, but neither can I fight her battles for her ("your enemy is my enemy"-style)
Help.

LegacyUser

I'm a casual acquaintance of the other girl, who now happens to want me to be her bridesmaid also

Why would she want you as a bridesmaid if you are only a casual acquaintance?

Is there any possibility Bride 2 only asked you to be her bridesmaid in order to wind up Bride 1 ???

I would think about that and maybe step down as bm for Bride 2 if you realise she is just $hitstirring.

LegacyUser

Turnipface, sorry I misphrased that. When I said casual acquaintance, what I guess I meant is that we are friends a good while, but over the last few years don't get the chance to meet up that often as I'm living abroad. Maybe a handful of times, but we've always gotten on great. I was a bit surprised, but obviously honoured at the same time, to be asked. Maybe it is to wind the other girl up, I don't know.
The first girl(who I meet far more regularly) has told me straight up "anyone {parents, immediate family, bridesmaids}I've said it to, can't believe you're being this girls' bridesmaid, after all the crap she caused me in the past". The general gist being that I'm being a hypocrite by being being bridesmaid to her mortal enemy.
I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

LegacyUser

runawaybridesmaid wrote: »

I was a bit surprised, but obviously honoured at the same time, to be asked. Maybe it is to wind the other girl up, I don't know.

Perhaps you were so honoured you didn't think about it but it seems pretty obvious to me that Bride 2 wanted to wind up Bride 1 and that's the only reason you were asked. If you've only met up with her a handful of times in the last few years I would question her motives.

I would be hurt if I was Bride 1 I must admit.

If Bride 2 has hurt Bride 1 a lot in the past then I imagine you are being used and manipulated here. If Bride 1 is a good friend I would step down as BM for Bride 2.

I don't think it's at all a situation where you can claim to be 'nuetral' just because you want to be a bridesmaid twice. You accepted to do it for Bride 1 first. You are allowing your feelings of being flattered to cloud your judgement.

I feel you should look carefully at Bride 2 and accept her real motives are actually malicious twords bride 1.

King of Kings

turnipface wrote: »

Perhaps you were so honoured you didn't think about it but it seems pretty obvious to me that Bride 2 wanted to wind up Bride 1 and that's the only reason you were asked. If you've only met up with her a handful of times in the last few years I would question her motives.

I would be hurt if I was Bride 1 I must admit.

If Bride 2 has hurt Bride 1 a lot in the past then I imagine you are being used and manipulated here. If Bride 1 is a good friend I would step down as BM for Bride 2.

I don't think it's at all a situation where you can claim to be 'nuetral' just because you want to be a bridesmaid twice. You accepted to do it for Bride 1 first. You are allowing your feelings of being flattered to cloud your judgement.

I feel you should look carefully at Bride 2 and accept her real motives are actually malicious twords bride 1.

How can you claim that Bride2 is on a wind up? You don't have the knowledge.
It is quite common for a persons friends to dislike each other. People should eb mature enough to acept that.

Also I would have very close friends I see once a year maybe due to family commitments , living abroad etc.. it happens as you get older.

I think the OP should be bridesmaid on both occasions - but call Bride 1 and get it to her straight that you know what she's being saying and make your decision from there.

LegacyUser

To be honest, Bride1 isn't even on Bride2's RADAR. The latter is pregnant, her job is touch and go, and she has enough to contend with, without getting embedded in some long-forgotten vendetta from years back.
Also, we have never mentioned Bride1 when chatting,& she has no other "contacts" to tell her Bride1 is even engaged to be married, not to mind that I am Bride 1's bridesmaid. So I'm reluctant to think that it's malicious.

lace

Sit Bride1 down and tell her this whole thing is silly! Let her know that you understand it's important to her (seeing as she's still holding the grudge) but that you're not taking sides or getting involved in a 10 year old feud and it would be stupid to let your friendship get wrecked by an old problem that has nothing to do with you. Tell her you still want to be her bridesmaid but more importantly you want your friend back and you want things between you and her to go back to normal. Or you could even spin it like "don't let the old fight with Bride2 ruin our friendship too. Be the bigger person and show her you don't care."

Bride1 is just being silly about the whole thing and I know you don't want it to ruin the friendship but if she's willing to exclude or "demote" you because of this then she's probably not that good of a friend anyways.

Chinafoot

turnipface wrote: »

Perhaps you were so honoured you didn't think about it but it seems pretty obvious to me that Bride 2 wanted to wind up Bride 1 and that's the only reason you were asked. If you've only met up with her a handful of times in the last few years I would question her motives.

I would be hurt if I was Bride 1 I must admit.

If Bride 2 has hurt Bride 1 a lot in the past then I imagine you are being used and manipulated here. If Bride 1 is a good friend I would step down as BM for Bride 2.

I don't think it's at all a situation where you can claim to be 'nuetral' just because you want to be a bridesmaid twice. You accepted to do it for Bride 1 first. You are allowing your feelings of being flattered to cloud your judgement.

I feel you should look carefully at Bride 2 and accept her real motives are actually malicious twords bride 1.

What complete nonsense. What exactly qualifies you to make such ridiculous assumptions? Are you Bride 2? No? Then you really can't say that the OP has only been asked in order to wind someone else up. Who asked her first has absolutely no relevance. Being a bridesmaid for Bride2 isn't going to detract from Bride1's wedding.

OP, Bride1 is being a child and needs to get a grip on herself fairly sharply. You were not around for whatever went on between them and it is unreasonable and childish in the extreme to expect you to take sides. You shouldn't have to tolerate her badmouthing you to all and sundry over her feelings towards someone else. Like another poster said, you can't expect all your friends to like each other but its a sign of maturity to accept that it happens.

I would advise meeting Bride1 in a neutral place like a coffee shop, and telling her that you have not been involved in their feud and that your friendship with Bride2 is entirely independent to your friendship with her. Tell her that you are aware she's been badmouthing you and that if it continues you won't feel comfortable being her bridesmaid.

If she wants to drag on such patheticness then perhaps it won't be much of a loss if you aren't her bridesmaid or her friend.