intro to horror short story, please comment!

Darragh1234567

Could someone give me feedback for the opening of my short story, I'm just curious if my writing, even a small intro, is ok, thanks



The night had showed no indication of becoming colder, it had been humid and muggy throughout all of the July evening. The wind that flowed through the room unsettled me even in my semi -awake state, sub-consciously I had probably realised that the window was closed. I grabbed the blankets around me, trying to retain the warmth I had transferred to my snug plaid blanket that my grandmother had made for me before she passed away. On feeling its embracing texture, I was reminded of what I had done to her before after she died that year. Being almost sixteen at the time, I should have known better.

Insect Overlord

There's one typo in the first line.

The second and third sentences are too long. They seem to lose clarity as they ramble on. You'll build tension more effectively with shorter, terser sentences.

I don't think a "texture" is capable of embracing. Maybe use "fabric" instead.

It's not a bad opening though. The hook in the last sentence sets things up nicely. It just needs to be tightened up a bit.

Darragh1234567

Insect Overlord wrote: »

There's one typo in the first line.

The second and third sentences are too long. They seem to lose clarity as they ramble on. You'll build tension more effectively with shorter, terser sentences.

I don't think a "texture" is capable of embracing. Maybe use "fabric" instead.

It's not a bad opening though. The hook in the last sentence sets things up nicely. It just needs to be tightened up a bit.

thanks, very helpful!

pickarooney

Forget everything except the bit about the grandmother - that's your opening.