post Abortion stress in men

LegacyUser

My ex had an abortion 3 years ago without me knowing at first and then I found out.

All this time on and we are not together and it still kills me to think about it. I have had nightmares where I see her on a table with a doctor about to carry out the procedure and I wake up screaming begging them to stop. I've had nightmares in which I am beating someone up (I'm not a bit violent) but I've no idea why. I've had what I think are panic attacks and I constantly feel stressed down my left hand side, like as if I'm wearing a heavy gearbag strung over my left shoulder or something.

I've only told 3 friends about this and one family member knows. The relationship with the girl involved broke down a while back but I still think of her every day. I still think of the first scan and how happy we were and then the relationship deteriorated and my worst nightmare came through. Sometimes I'd love to talk to her again & see if we could sort things out & have a baby together. Not a replacement as nothing will replace what was lost, but I'd love ot put things right.

I have been for counselling for this but although it's helped a bit sometimes I feel like crying all day. What is crazy is that I miss the girl involved, I loved her & then this awful thing hapened. It came up in rows a lot, we both blamed the other but I loved being around her. I still cannot imagine being with anyone else only her & I've not been with anyone since we split. My attitude to sex has changed too & in the past while single I had one night stands, but now it's just like I could only see myself being with someone who I trust completely.

I have also gone a bit heavy on the drink lately, drinking too much. People keep saying move on, but it's almost like at the back of my mind if I try to be hapy, I feel like I'm forgetting that little child I saw on the scan that made my heart leap like it never did before. I don't want to let go of that.

Does anyone have any tips?

metrovelvet

Im sorry you are going through this. I have no idea the extent of what you are going through or what its like to lose a child, but I can only imagine that like other losses its not something you get over, its just something you learn to live with.

It sounds like there was a lot of hurt and trauma and maybe you need to go to more counselling. Sometimes grief does make you cry all day.

Abortion must be a different kind of grief because its so private, there is no ritual goodbye and there is no community support for what is lost or even recognition of what is lost.

It sounds like you really really need to get the pain out of your system, you lost her and you lost the child too. Have you tried writing it out, how you feel?

Be careful on the boozing. It wont help you that much.

Totally get you about the sex thing. I had a surprise baby and got seriously burnt. The trust is an absolute no compromise thing now.

And I know what you mean too about not wanting to move on because you feel like you are betraying the person you lost, its easy to get stuck there, and its part of the hardest part of letting go. The letting go of the hurt nearly hurts more than the hurt itself.

So sorry.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I understand what you're going through.

I had an abortion last year... long messy drama around it that I'm not going into... but I promise it does get better.

I regret what I did, nothing can change it though.

It's amazing how far in advance you can plan if you let yourself. I try not to think of milestones....it makes it worse and harder to deal with. At Christmas, I thought of how Christmas would be if I'd had my baby.... you can't live your life through 'what ifs'...

You'll never forget what might have been, but don't let it tear you apart.

Live your life, and when you do have kids, love them twice as much.

LegacyUser

Thank you both for your replies.

You mentioned that it will get easier when I have kids. That's the problem. I sorta feel the only person I could have kids with is her. To meet someone new & start a long process all over again of trying to trust & visualise this happening is very difficult.

I keep hoping it gets easier but I'm wracked by guilt for so many reasons. I also wish I didn't love her but that's not the case, although I agree it was right to end it. It just feels like moving on means I no longer love that child that was conceived etc. Sometimes it's hard to even think straight. When some of my friends are also going on to have kids & they don't understand why I am so unhappy, it makes it worse as they don't know. Ad then for the few people I have told about it, it increases stress on them as they try to help, but can't.

I just want to be at peace & happy again and I hope some day I will be.

LegacyUser

So sorry for your pain. It is not unusual for feelings to continue..it is your tie to your baby.
Have you sought post abortion counseling for men?
If not, this can be helpful..you are not alone in these feelings. Countless men are out there experiencing the same thing.

heck this out with some resources...
http://www.postabortionhelp.org/Men/men.html

LegacyUser

Thank you Tmasi.

So much of what is on that page is me right now. I'm also wracked by guilt as prior to her having the abortion, I did not help the situation and maybe I could have done better and helped her change her mind. I know it was her decision, but the guilt and grief inside me is unbearable at times.

I have seen a counsellor all right whose words made sense, but a few days later it's like back to square one. As I said before, loving the girl invovled hurts too. If I could turn back the clock I would, it is a total mess. The replies to this thread have been a help though, thank you all.