culture difference or not that interested?

LegacyUser

just looking to see if anyone has experienced this before and whether it's just a culture difference or more...

started seeing this guy a few weeks ago - he approached me and chased me on the night out, went home with him, didn't sleep together but had fun, spent the whole weekend together....been meeting up once or twice a week since then - he generally initiates contact, tho doesn't text other than to arrange a meet up. Often the meet-ups have been 'dates' like we go to a movie/art gallery, sometimes we go home together, sometimes not. so that's the details.

now the issue....there doesn't seem to be much physical contact at all or desire for it from him. on the 'dates' we could spend the whole time chatting, and MAYBE he'll put his arm aruond me at some stage. Things have gotten better, from initially nothing to now, well, he'll sit closer to me on the couch, and whilst he's never refused any physical touch (me trying to hold hands etc) at first it felt really awkward, now he seems a little more relaxed.

but my problem is that it's never returned - I might go to hug him, or give him a kiss and whilst he'll accept it, he'll never spontaneously show me any affection. Also - I've had to invite myself to his house a few times, even once I asked him why he didn't ask me back one night - he replied well, we were out with your friends I thought you didn't want to spend the night! When it comes down to it, he's fantastic in bed and once we get to his house his room he's always the first to make a move and seems quite willing. That said, he's had a few problems keeping an erection...all of it just making me really confused as to what's going on???

I should mention that his background is his father is Asian, but he grew up in Spain - so I know his father's culture would be quite reserved in terms of affection, his father left the country when he was just 15 to work abroad and they've only seen each other a handful of times. He was left to grow up wtih his spanish grandparents. So possible his culture could explain it, but then again, he grew up in Spain which is a very physical touchy feely culture.

Should I take it that he's not interested - especially considering he has trouble keeping hard (blames condoms which at first I agreed with...but then again, the last time we were fooling around without it he had trouble coming and asked me to just leave it)

I'm just not sure as he always asks to meet up but the lack of physical affection is driving me mad - sex is fantastic, but I really miss feeling comfortable with someone, I want to hold his hand and cuddle without feeling awkward

Emme

If your bf is from an Asian family the reticence could be a cultural thing. I had an Indian bf for a while and he was very much a gentleman, no pdas or anything like that. I didn't have a problem with it and enjoyed our dates which revolved around the theatre, art galleries, cinema and the like. A refreshing change from the pub.

Different cultures have different approaches to dating. This man is treating you like a lady. Relax and enjoy it, he wouldn't be treating you like this if he didn't like you.

Thankfully there are cultures where it isn't considered the norm for a man to shove a woman up against a bus shelter, pin her there with his crotch and try to remove her tonsils with his tongue on the first date! :rolleyes:

LegacyUser

Hi Op,
It might not be either of the 2 reasons you have mentioned - "culture difference or not that interested?"

He may suffer from erectile dysfunction and may be avoiding physical contact so that you won't be 'disappointed' by another 'lack of performance'.

I've suffered from this in the past and dealt with it in the same way as this man. If this is the case, don't assume that it happens because of a lack of desire or through any fault of your own.

Before I dealt with the issue, I was very conscious of my gf thinking that I wasn't a proper 'man', or thinking that I didn't desire her enough. This caused me to be very careful about instigating intimate contact, unless I knew that I could perform.

Because I was too embarrassed to deal with it properly or discuss it with her, she assumed that it was because I wasn't attracted physically to her, when in fact the opposite was the case.

Of course this might not be the case here - just giving you another perspective. If it is the case, it can easily be treated. It just needs to be addressed maturely & wisely on his behalf, and with understanding on yours. He needs to acknowledge it first though, and be willing to take action.

Neyite

Sounds like he is just not into public displays of affection - possibly a cultural thing, but you did say that he initiates physical contact when you are alone - if this stops, then he is not interested. Otherwise, enjoy being treated like a lady.

prinz

OP how is he with other people? Is he a reserved shy kind of fella? Sounds to me like he's perhaps just not that experienced with the early days of a relationship? I've been in his position before, exactly the same scenarios where I'd over-think holding hands (should I take her hand? Should I not? She moved her hand it must be a sign... Maybe she doesn't want me to....) for example on a date with an ex, but at night we'd end up in bed together no problem.

Tbh I'd have some more advice which you may not like/heed. I'd knock the sex on the head for a while and give time, space and encouragement for a bit of a more 'romantic' physical relationship to develop naturally.

LegacyUser

lol I guess I'm just not used to it coming from an Irish background! Thanks for all the responses. I don't know if it's ED as mentioned - he's 30 so surely he shouldn't have problems like that, not yet?? I know the past few times it's been mostly the condom, cos he's fine when we're just fooling around....but the recent time it didn't work even without a condom...I'm just concerned because usually I'm the one that plays the role of giving pleasure rather than always getting to come...and this time it's the other way round, and I've never had experience with a guy that doesn't come every time or has happened, would just leave sex in favour of sleep (not including in a LTR). he also said that it had never happened before.

I only know him around his flatmates, both male and they never hug/kiss etc but I don't expect that to happen with guys. I've no idea what he's like with women as I don't know him that well or can ask anyone - we have one mutual acquantaince in common. I know he did have past relationships, the first night together I saw some pics lying about - later I asked about them and he said he was just organising his photo's, had no probs at the time telling me that one of them was his ex when I asked who she was....there wasn't any emotional response either time so I'm figuring it genuinely was just organising old stuff.

I don't think it's shyness - at the party he came right over and sat down beside me and initiated conversation, then later asked me to leave the party for a drink with him. and he has no probs asking me on dates so I don't think it's that, and I'd imagine he's been wtih a few women, he's quite good looking and a gentleman.

It just bothers me because I feel a bit rejected with no affection at all - even when we're alone in the kitchen or whatever, he'll make no move to be affectionate. Besides the kiss when we meet, say goodbye and for sex, he never wants to kiss or touch.....it feels like we're awkward friends that have sex, that I'm not even sure he enjoys as much as me

prinz

bbbbbbb3w3lkj wrote: »

I don't think it's shyness - at the party he came right over and sat down beside me and initiated conversation, then later asked me to leave the party for a drink with him. and he has no probs asking me on dates so I don't think it's that, and I'd imagine he's been wtih a few women, he's quite good looking and a gentleman.

There are different types of shyness. The most outgoing person in one situation might be deeply uncomfortable and shy in another.

bbbbbbb3w3lkj wrote: »

It just bothers me because I feel a bit rejected with no affection at all - even when we're alone in the kitchen or whatever, he'll make no move to be affectionate. Besides the kiss when we meet, say goodbye and for sex, he never wants to kiss or touch.....it feels like we're awkward friends that have sex, that I'm not even sure he enjoys as much as me

It could just be his way. Some people just aren't as tactile and touchy-feely as others.

lace

I don't think it's anything to do with his background. If he didn't grow up in Asia and didn't spend much time with his Asian father then how could his behaviour possibly have been shaped by Asian cultural norms?

It sounds like things are moving quite fast. You've mentioned that you're more eager to initiate physical closeness and you've invited yourself to his place. Maybe you're just more ready for the relationship than he is? If you're not satisfied with the level of affection (or complete lack thereof) you're receiving from him then how do you two make it to the bedroom? Could his erectile problems be related to his general unwillingness to initiate touching? Perhaps he just needs to take things slower?

Whatever the reason, it's probably a bit early to tell. A few weeks in is still really early in a relationship. My advice would be to slow things down a little, get to know each other better and see how it goes. If, later on down the line, you find you're still dissatisfied with the level of affection then just talk to him about it. Tell him honestly and openly that it bothers you and you want to understand why he's like that. Maybe he'll open up and explain. There could be a perfectly reasonable explanation. Or maybe he'll tell you he's just not that into you. Either way, at least you'll have an answer.

LegacyUser

lost in translation wrote: »

he generally initiates contact, tho doesn't text other than to arrange a meet up. Often the meet-ups have been 'dates' like we go to a movie/art gallery, sometimes we go home together, sometimes not. so that's the details.

now the issue....there doesn't seem to be much physical contact at all or desire for it from him. on the 'dates' we could spend the whole time chatting, and MAYBE he'll put his arm aruond me at some stage. Things have gotten better, from initially nothing to now, well, he'll sit closer to me on the couch, and whilst he's never refused any physical touch (me trying to hold hands etc) at first it felt really awkward, now he seems a little more relaxed.

but my problem is that it's never returned - I might go to hug him, or give him a kiss and whilst he'll accept it, he'll never spontaneously show me any affection.

I'm just not sure as he always asks to meet up but the lack of physical affection is driving me mad - sex is fantastic, but I really miss feeling comfortable with someone, I want to hold his hand and cuddle without feeling awkward

OP, take from this what you will. I'm a shy enough guy myself - in the sense that I'd be quite outgoing up to a point. I have no problems talking to people I barely know and I get on very well with everyone I meet.

However when I meet a girl I'm interested in romantically, I basically act "weird". I don't mean to but I just do. My ex for example: The only reason we went out was because she took the lead - she held my hand, she kissed me, she initiated all physical contact for ages. Not because I didn't want to but for some reason I just didn't do it. I loved holding her hand but I never took the 1st step and took her hand until a few months down the line. Don't ask me why as I still don't know but yeah I wish I took the initiative earlier. Sometimes she'd kiss me out of the blue as well and I loved it but it'd kinda surprise me and I wouldn't always kiss her back - again, I don't know why but it never really crossed my mind to do so for ages.

It took me ages to open up to her, to be the one to hold her hand or kiss her - to show her affection basically. And believe me, I was utterly crazy about her as well but I never seemed to put 2 and 2 together (i.e. I more or less presumed she knew I cared about her so it didn't make sense to me to show it all the time) when it actually turned out that she thought the same way you did - that I wasn't into her at all. I also thought that she was ridiculously attractive and I spent a lot of time in awe that she was into me so I was "nervous" to say the least. Maybe he feels the same

So yeah, maybe he's a bit like me Worth thinking about anyway.

Wompa1

Hey OP,

I've never suffered from ED myself but your attitude towards it is why most guys would hide such a thing...sometimes it's not about you or how attractive you look. If he wasn't attracted I doubt he'd be dating you...