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self-imposed isolation - own worst enemy etc?

unreg35 · 2011-05-16 00:51:32

I'm in mid 30s now so I can see a pattern to my life and that whatever 'problems' are not just a growing-up phase etc - this is it, this is how it is. I've never been to a therapist or anything and even if I could afford it I doubt it would help. On a level and especially as I've gotten older I've been able to see how…

16-05-2011 12:51am

#1

unreg35

Closed Accounts Posts: 1 ✭

Join Date: May 2011

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I'm in mid 30s now so I can see a pattern to my life and that whatever 'problems' are not just a growing-up phase etc - this is it, this is how it is. I've never been to a therapist or anything and even if I could afford it I doubt it would help.

On a level and especially as I've gotten older I've been able to see how things have been taking shape and now it's almost like it's all some kind of joke.
Friday for example I had a brilliant day where the subject I'm studying, everything fell into place and I felt on top of the world.
But for some unknown reason I 'needed' to have several drinks that evening.
Or is the reason totally unknown or am I being faithful to the fact that I was raised to ignore/hate/sabotage/despise myself because my mother was a complete thick?
Digress.
And if I can't digress/talk here, then where can I?

At this point I suppose I should point out that I have a history of alcohol abuse/alcoholism. Now in my 30s I've been through all those ups and downs(putting it mildly) and I no longer drink everyday or even every week. I quit for days and weeks at a time but I know I'll never be a teetotaller and I've been faced with thinking about it all a lot and a lot more than anyone who happens to be reading this.

I have some issues in my life currently, nothing major but the main thing is I've totally isolated myself. At first it was needed, badly needed but now it's like a trap where I'll have to make a special effort to connect again with human beings.

It's weird because I live right in the city centre but I could go for weeks or months not having contact or conversation with a single human being. And I feel on some level this lack is damaging my health. I've never been a huge 'need friends' person , having a small number of close friends and occasional quality time was always more important to me than being popular. But now I don't even have those close friends - either lost contact or they are scattered all over and my own fault mostly, I didn't bother keeping in touch etc.

Does anyone have any advice for me that would help?

I've said alcohol is part of the problem but honestly(please trust me on this) it's not the main problem - the main problem is just me and my personality and my 'shyness' - okay I'm not shy exactly or not anymore. I used to be and I was raised to despise myself to be honest. I haven't seen or spoken to my family in several years and have no intention of ever.
Some people who might at first appear friendly find this fact offputting.

Having said that I haven't put myself out there to know enough of what people are really like. If it was me I would never judge someone for having a ****ed up background etc.

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