Are some people born loners?

LegacyUser

I am not anti social, i get on with people and I have some friends ...more casual friends but friends all the same.

Thing is... I have never been one of those people who has a had a gang of friends who hang out together..growing up I had my one best friend (we have grown apart some what ...living in different countries etc )

everyone else always seems to have someone to hang around with..I can go weeks without seeing anyone i would consider a friend or there will be weeks when no one contacts me and visa versa i guess

i don't really know how to explain this, but i have felt this way my whole life .... social lives just seem so easy for some people.

It's not so much that I have a problem with this, its just that I don't know anyone else like this (except maybe my brother...)

most of the time it does not bother me (which is probably why I am like this in the first place!) but sometimes i get so lonely

does anyone else feel like this?..like i say im finding it hard to explain..but im beginning to think it's not entirely normal

In a way it is almost like i prefer being on my own which is why now i am left with few close friends (if any really) I also find myself lying to family members etc about how "I was out at the weekend with people" but in reality i just spent the whole time alone.

Pigeon Reaper

There's nothing wrong with liking your own company once you're happy with it. Lots of people are the same and have only a few close friends and are happy by themselves for long periods. Don't worry unduly and you should only be friends because you like the people rather than having "friends" for the sake of it.

Ms.Odgeynist

I agree with PigeonReaper to an extent OP.
Having said that, there are very few things in life more important to us than others. We are social beings, in fact you could go so far as to say that our sole reason for being, is to be with others - whether that is family, neighbours or whatever.
I wouldn't worry unduly either, but maybe you could look at the reasons that you are alone.
If it is that you are shy, or anxious in groups, then you can definitely do something about that. I also find it difficult to be in groups, especially large groups.
The only problem with spending large amounts of time alone is that you are without a support network in times of stress. I don't think the quantity of friends you have is too important. But I think its important for us all to have someone to talk to about the difficulties we all inevitably face in life.
If it is a case that you just like your own company, thats fine. But the fact that you are lying about being with friends suggests that perhaps you are not ok with it. You are certainly not alone if you simply find it difficult to maintain relationships. Maybe just look at why that is. Don't worry about it, or beat yourself up, but if you would like company, then you could look at ways of meeting like minded people - they are out there!!

LegacyUser

What kind of effort are you making, OP? Your post leads me to believe you feel this is something out of your control, but perhaps you're not making any effort? What was the last social event you yourself organised?

You say that you almost prefer to be alone, perhaps this is coming across to people?

Fact is, people like others who are into them, or who are keen to spend time with them. People who sit back and wait for people to come to them never end up doing well. I'm not say come across desperate, but you can't simply be nice when people talk to you and expect them to make all the effort when it comes to arranging things or getting in contact.

I suspect that a lot of it comes down to you not making an effort with people. Check out some of the self-help books available on topics like these, I'm sure they can't hurt.

Abi

Pigeon Reaper wrote: »

There's nothing wrong with liking your own company once you're happy with it. Lots of people are the same and have only a few close friends and are happy by themselves for long periods. Don't worry unduly and you should only be friends because you like the people rather than having "friends" for the sake of it.

This ^ 'forced' friendships are more of a chore, and would be of no interest to me whatsoever.


I'm very much so the same as yourself, alone always. I have a few friends I've known for a long time, but we have an unspoken agreement that we'd only meet up every so often. Thats more to do with me, than it is to do with them, as they would see other friends more regularly. I'm trying to find the right wording for it, but I like my friendships 'breathable', I don't want them in on every single part of my life, nor do I want to know the last time they farted. I prefer it that way, so when we do meet up we actually have stuff to catch up on.

Theres no reason for you to lie, or make excuses for the way you prefer to spend your time Alone Always. Just make sure you come out of your shell every now and again to catch up on the world

dudara

Yes - some people will always prefer their own company, or the company of a select few. I'd consider myself to be one of these people. I enjoy going out in large groups or with friends on occasion, but I'd find it tedious on a regular basis.

The main thing is that you're fully aware of this - and not just using it as an excuse to keep your head in the sand for some reason.

Fentdog84

Kind of in a similiar boat , OP. Have a few people I stay in contact with occasionally but no real close friends. I feel my trust in people has dwindled over the years. Had two guys I was really close mates with through school/college but they ended up letting me down. One was really controlling/bullying and the other ended up owing me money. Ive sort of come to the sad, lonely realisation that everyone is out for themselves at the end of the day. Not saying everyone should come to that conclusion you can be lucky and unlucky. Being in your own company is fine, its a sign of a strong character but at the same time it can be cycle hard to break out of. I suggest you try ways of making new friends or reignite old ones. You never know when you might need a friend to call on some day.

calex71

dudara wrote: »

Yes - some people will always prefer their own company, or the company of a select few. I'd consider myself to be one of these people. I enjoy going out in large groups or with friends on occasion, but I'd find it tedious on a regular basis.

The main thing is that you're fully aware of this - and not just using it as an excuse to keep your head in the sand for some reason.

Well said, there is also a lot of pressure from society / media to fit a certain profile etc. and to be what is considered as "normal" by them. Forget that OP you are who you are.

You will find many people lie about what they did at the weekend etc because of the afore mentioned society / media demand to fit a certain bill. In life it's quality over quantity every time regardless of the situation of number of friends you have etc!!!!

CorkMan

I fit the bill too, don't have any close friends ATM. The most I have had in my life at any one time is 1 or 2. I communicate with people on a regular basis, it is necessary, as if you spend too much time by yourself it dampens your mood a bit IMO. But even with a group of people (like at a course) I find I talk when I want too, but i'd be quiet if I want too even when surrounded by like 10 different people.

For a weekend i'd be happy playing video games and listening to music (i've invested good in a sound system). But I do enjoy peoples company though when I meet them, I have a chat. It's stupid though when you turn the radio on at 8.30AM Monday morning and you hear "READY FOR THE WEEEEEEKEND!!!".

A lot of life is about confidence though, if you want some friends of a chick go for it, but be yourself. It is good living in your head, using your imagination and everything, after all mind is infinite. I do this a lot of the time but some social contact is needed. Regards people lying about their weekend, I have seen that an awful lot, mainly young people. (look up at my 2nd sentence)

gugleguy

Yeah, as somebody who prefers his own company I like nothing more than to to run Flight Simulator at the weekend. Another thing that can grate on me is on a Friday, work collegues ask me "so Joe, what are ya doin' yourself for the weekend?!!"
If I am honest, well, the same answer I gave these guys last week. Get my drift?

LegacyUser

I have thought about this question from time to time, with regard to myself. I'll give you some background. Throughout Primary School, I always went through points where I had friends or not. I do believe, to a certain extent, that I never really knew how to socialise (my interaction skills weren't strong). I lived in an area where most of my neighbours were old age pensioners, so I never had neighbours (with kids my age) to play with. My Dad was a workaholic alcoholic, so I never really did anything with him as he was either doing one thing or the other. I always had a good relationship with my Mum, but she was a little bit overprotective. When I was growing up, my Mum had no friends and rarely interacted in a social setting (except for her family who only got in contact with her when they wanted her for something). When I look back on my childhood and these facts, I sometimes wonder whether this had an impact on the way I interacted with people. My mum tried to get me involved in activities like swimming and Judo, but I never could make close friends.

In Secondary School, I did try to make friends. Still I kinda always jumped from friends to friends. I got bullied at one point from someone I befriended. He just kept talking behind my back all the time. A similar occurence to what happened to me in Primary School. That made me withdrawn and distrust people. It wasn't a nice time for me. I just focused my energies on Junior and Leaving Certs. Study made me feel I was doing well at something. (Although I do regret never trying to get involved in other activities). At this point of time, I felt a little stupid. (It's probably worth mentioning I had Speech and Language difficulties when I was younger). As a result, I think being knowledgable helped me gain some self esteem, but it was always short term. By the time I hit sixth year, I did manage to have a group of friends (both inside/outside school). At the same time, I was still withdrawn and hated school. I think, being withdrawn, affected my friendships. I never let people 'really' in. Although I am still friends with most of these people today. I still meet up and am regularly in touch.

As I'm in college now. I think I have realised so much about myself and social interaction. I did realise that I would have problems if I were withdrawn still. So I did try, as best as I thought I could, to make friends. I kinda 'faked' confidence. If I was ever in class, I would chat to people in the class. Even after class, we might go for coffee, etc. This was something completely out of the norm for me. I would try to get involved in activities outside class in college. Although deep down, I think I still did not let people in. While I have got to know many people, many of these people are still acquaintances. I think that (and a previous post has mentioned this) it is important to reciprocate friendships. I have noticed that it is mostly my friends that contact me to meet up, do stuff, etc. It is also important that when people invite you to do stuff, to not shy away (if you really can meet up). I have gone through points where I have lacked confidence and self-esteem, in situations like this with friends and acquaintaces. I had always been afraid that people would not like me, find me boring , etc..(feelings coming back from secondary school). I was always afraid that if I was low, people would get sick of me. I have realised now that you have to do without these ways of thinking. However hard it is. Also people (friends or acquaintances) can be great to chat to. I'm trying now to get involved in things outside of academics, to give myself some self esteem and to perhaps fill the times I get slightly lonely, like yourself. Hopefully it will work out for the better

Anyway, to summarise where I am (sorry for giving you my long history), I do not think I am a loner. I think that, for me, a lot of things happened in my life that shaped the way I dealt with people. I think I was a little naive (for a good while) as to how one makes friends. I do believe that, for a long while, I literally had no idea how to make friends. On top of that, I think a lack of confidence and self esteem stopped me from realising that I actually am a person that people would like to get to know and befriend. I am glad that I can admit this and try to work on it. Sorry again for the longwinded post. Hopefully you can take something from this.

Fea.

Judging by all the replies OP, it seems like you are most certainly not alone. I was once described as a people person who does not like people. Apparently, I can be nice and polite when I need to be, but prefer my own company. Its nice to know I'm not alone either xxx