How to be still there for a friend if she makes the wrong choice?

skodacb

Hi all just wondering if someone could help me as my head been all over the place for the last few days and my friends are giving me stupid immature answers. Basically my best friend found out her boyfriend has been cheating on her after seeing his mobile phone and strings of dirty texts all that planned meetings with this other girl on his mobile phone, hes 21 shes 27 and they have a one month old baby together. My own worry is she'll stay with him for the sake of the child, my own opinion is that is the wrong thing to do, as they'll be in a loveless relationship and the child will be 'piggy in the middle', however if she does stay with him, will that affect me and hers friendship, like I will respect her decision if she does wont like it all but will respect it, but how would it work if I never want to see this bastard ever again,over what he has done to her and the child how could I catch up with her with him either bein at the house or with her doing shopping etc. , as at the moment I want to kill him with my bare hands

MiniSquish

I have a situation like that going on in my life at the moment too. My friend has been going out with her boyfriend for the last seven years and has been cheated on by him for at least 5 of them. Myself and her other female friends told her about his indiscretions loads of times and it even came to a head last year where he gave her an STI. Still she is with him, and even recently stuff has come to light that has made everyone except her doubt that he has changed his ways. The point to this is that if she wants to take him back she will, and it's not worth ruining your friendship over it. If she wants to stay with him then that's her mistake and you can choose to dislike him all you want and distance yourself from him but don't let it damage the relationship you have with your friend. It's gotten to the stage now with my friend that no one can stand her boyfriend but if he's what she wants and what makes her happy then we just have to keep our mouths shut and just be there for her if and when he cheats again.

skodacb

Thats a very good point, I just hope she has the inner confidence to stand up and walk away from him

MiniSquish

Yeah I hope my friend does too at some stage. Unfortunately some girls stay with their guy when he cheats out of comfort and security and it's just too hard for them to be able to go it on their own. Also I'm sure your friend is taking their child into account too and maybe if this is his first time cheating she believes he won't do it again and will give him another chance.

Yes I think we have all been there with friends making bad decisions. Personally I would say (and have done in the past) look this is my opinion, and now that I've said it I won't bring it up again and I'll be here for you either way.

LegacyUser

I have seen some girls making some really bad choices where it comes to men.

If her oh is sleeping with other girls and giving her sti she should be saying good bye to him.
Tell her that some sti don't have symptoms but she could find out later that she can't have children due to problems because of this.
Tell your friend that you are not happy with the choices she is making and why.
Stay in contact with her.
If she is involved with mister nasty/ no good find a way of catching him at his no good ways.
Give her prof of his ways. Let her parents/brothers/sisters know about this with photos and a typed letter so they don't know who sent this to them.
Get photos of him and put a typed note under them - want an sti - come to me.
Stick them up in as many clubs, pub toilets ect.
Send this letter to him at home and at work.

dublingal80

hi op

I had a friend who was seeing a ***** for 2 years, on and off. He treated her so badly, but i think she saw it as treat em mean keep em kean type of thing. The worse he treated her the more she liked him. She would cry on my shoulder about him and I had to say to her many a time - you are worth so much more than this, you are an amazing person, does he really deserve you. I would tell her whatever she decided i would support her 100% and would always be there for her no matter what happened.

Thats all you can do op. Some people, the more they hear the negative about their other half from people, the more they will wanna stay with them to prove them wrong

All you can do is be honest with her, and be there for her when it all goes **** up which it probably will

tiny_penguin

Hi,

I've been in the position your friend is in OP and the best thing you can do is just bite your tongue now and be there for her. You have told her how you feel about him and she is choosing not to listen. Blinded by 'love' - it is more common than you think.

My ex was abusive, cheated, belittled me and everything but it was his biggest aim to alienate me from my friends so that it made his manipulation easier. One of my friends just couldnt cope with watching me take him back again and again and our friendship was ruined because of it. I couldnt stand to be around her because i could feel her judgement on me and when it did finally end, i felt i couldnt be honest with her about everything that happened as she would judge me for putting up with it. It is more important that she has people there for her that wont constantly berate her decisions and her boyfriend so that she is not totally dependent on this guy for everything. If you constantly put him down you will make it difficult for her to spend time with you. When it all falls apart for good you need to be there to help her pick herself back up, and not in a 'i told you so' kind of way.

You dont want her to feel like she cant talk about the bad stuff to you, cos if it does ever escalate to anything worse she will need people to talk to who she wont feel judgement from.

Dublin25

Hey!

I have also been that friend and would echo everything that previous posters have said, 100%.

I know it's hard to be in a room with him knowing what he's done but your not going to be a room for him, your there for her. If it's an experience like mine, he'll know that you know whats going on. He will be cautious and cowardly around you, only cos he knows you know. Similar to a bully when confronted.

Your friend will continue to go back to him, love him and it will only be her that will make the realisation of what he's really like. When that happens she will need you more than ever and your help and support to go forward with her life.

Sucks to have to listen to it and see her go through it all but it will come to a head.
What ever you do, don't keep telling her to leave him or push your opinions on her as you'll loose her trust and she could be left with no one to confide in.

Good Luck