Devastated over breakup

LegacyUser

Hoping someone can help me. My relationship of 4 years broke up last night. When I got home i cried for hours and hours and the same today. I can't function. She said she was not happy anymore and suddenly I knew it was one of those conversations.

I don't feel like anything will ever be ok again. We did everything together and now I have nothing. We had discussed marriage and kids. I am struggling to grasp the enormity of all this. I feel like she died last night along with a part me and am bawling even now as I type. Never have I felt such hurt or such an out pouring of grief, even in relation to deaths of loves ones. I just want to rewind the clock and stop this from happening. I am one of those people who dropped friends a little and neglected them over the years for my relationship and while I did get back in touch with my core circle recently enough, I feel like a real idiot for not having a better network of friends to draw on. That said I don't feel like talking to anyone about it anyway.

I keep going to text her as per usual and then remember we are no longer together. Or mull over what to do later and then it hits me again and again in waves. I simply can't believe this has happened. What's worse is that she says she still loves me and always will and saying things like we can't just cut each other out of our lives completely which to me is stupid because thats what a break up is. She texted earlier and said if I needed to talk she was there wtf i know she is hurting to but i told her i didnt think it would do either of us any good at the moment - it was devastating in the street last night. We both just held each other and cried. Its even worse because I get on so well with her extended family, we've laughed, cried and shared experiences over the 4 years and now its like I've lost them too, essentially another family. Ditto for her and my family. I feel like I am about to be swallowed by a cloud of despair from which there will be no return. I thought coming here to post might be helpful but now I don't think anything will help.

LegacyUser

Thanks for response wish I could say its made me feel better but it has not.

Yeah we were texting back and forth some today,to make sense of the whole thing. Definitely over and got the line we need time apart to see if we're still right for each other. I won't hold out hope for that, and not sure knowing now how unhappy she'd been if I'd be willing to give it another go anyway. Its all bull**** of course anyway and I feel she is just been nice/saying that to lessen the blow in that her mind is made up. She does genuinely seem to want to remain friends, really misses me and says she will always be there for me despite the breakup- so confusing.

Still desperately upset and being honest not sure what I am supposed to do now. Yesterday I had a life plan. Today life is meaningless without her. The dangers of having your life defined by someone else huh? Everything I can possibly think of doing, we did together, and it is so painful. I don't expect any solutions here, as sunflower said there is nothing to be done. I wish for death - not in the suicidal way but just to be erased.

lalee17

Hi OP,

Try going out for walks. I'm going through a similar situation at the moment and I find myself walking for miles nearly every night. It makes me too tired to be upset.

It might help.

Dublinstiofán

I'd give it a few days until you have calmed down and got yourself back together to a certain extent. I'd then ask to meet her and tell her how you really feel about the whole thing and how upset you still are. Make sure that by the time you leave her this time that you are completely convinced that she isn't making a mistake (if you are not already) and that this is what she really wants.

That way down the line even if you never get back together you can say you did absolutely everything in your power to get her back.

I made some mistakes in a similar situation years ago and i still regret not doing everything i could have to sort things out at the time.

Good luck, i'd tell you it gets easier but it wont for a while if your anything like me.

LegacyUser

Hi all - thanks for the responses so far.

Sent her a long email yesterday which I debated whether to send just saying my real feelings, as felt when we broke up the other night we were both too shocked to talk properly - meeting up might have been better but felt I wanted to give her space, while at same time being able to say things in a controlled format. I won't go into what i said hugely and it wasn't bitter or angry or anything like that, but it was along the lines of while I know maybe we lost the spark a little in recent times that this is something we can work on and get back. I tried to remind her of all the good times we've had etc. and told her how much she means to me (while trying to avoid being pathetic or needy).

So she took a bit to respond, but when she did she said she hated we were in this situation, and that she loves me so much but the problem for her is that she feels like we are the best of friends rather than a couple the last few months - which I don't agree with obviously. She feels the spark is gone essentially or that special something and with us both coming from broken relationships/crappy people before, that we are with each other out of comfort. She then said that cutting each other out of our lives would make things unbearable, but if we could try to be friends for a while things become clearer (I think the last part though is said out of kindness, rather than hinting she is very confused). She agrees I have always treated her incredibly well (and I have), but therein lies the problem - she is sort of saying that I can't treat her any better and that she is still not happy with life (which now includes me bundled in there in terms of her having no idea what direction to go in terms of work, education etc.).

So very gutted by all this. After that then we chatted for a bit online - same sort of stuff, issue of staying friends came up which I must say I am very conflicted and indeed somewhat angry about. She was saying since we'be been through everything together, we should go through the breakup together?! I laughed at this but essentially what she is saying is that it would be easier if we had each other to lean on in this tough time, which I think will only make things worse (especially for me). When I questioned further it was sort of envisaged that we would still text each other about all the small stuff as we always have, meet up for coffee regularly and if any biggies came up (e.g death of family member) that we would be there for each other (the last one I agree with). Its like she wants me in her life but doesn't want me in her life.

But this to me is insane. I said I would think about it, but my gut tells me for now at least that this is a terrible idea. How can I go from being her boyfriend a few days ago, telling her I love her, and ditto, to greeting her with a handshake or akward hug over coffee the following week(s)? Sort of shocked she is so ready to be able to do this, but I know she is hurting too. I said this to her and she was in tears. I just think she is convinced somehow we have no future and this is her way of dealing with it, or making her withdrawal from me more gradua But I also can't help but feel this is a little selfish. She told me no problem with me thinking about it, but to get in touch as soon as I wanted in any way, and that she loves me so much (such a paradox to me) and will always be here for me. I guess I am just very confused. My gut says the relationship is over with no hope of a return, but if I were to indulge the 1% of me that says there might be a chance, I think it would only come if she wakes up to losing me via some time apart with no contact would be the thing that might do it. Not very optimistic on that one though!

We are best friends you see and have shared everything as, I thought, soulmates. So cutting her out of my life is very painful but I can't see what else to do at the moment. At the same time i am dealing with the fact that she is my best friend, how can I turn her away?

The other field of thought is that if we meet up as friends for a while that it might remind her of what was - but of course with all that could come the possibility of both of us having different motives e.g. I might be hoping to get back together, where as she might not be and suddenly brings up someone she's met or something. Don't think I could handle that at the moment. Such a crappy situation, can't believe I will never spend time with her again properly, or indeed see any of her family again except just in passing.

Every text or email to me is saying she loves me,and is here when I am ready, but it seems like she is just no longer in love with me. Not much more to say really is there. I'd appreciate any advice from anyone who was in similar situation in terms of what I should do friends wise, in the short term and long term, or whether you think it would be wort hmeeting up in person to try and talk thing through further, and thereafter if I get the same answer leave her be for awhile or go down the friends route. Thanks.

Dublinstiofán

I can understand your post above completely. Sounds like she is still confused and is not
sure whether she has made the right decision. It also appears to me that she is building a
nest for herself. That if she gets lonely or anything happens she can have you back with
the click ofher fingers to confort her, but this does no favours for you except make the
break up a more long drawn out process than it needs to be.

At the end of the day there is only one thing to do, no matter how painful it is. Once you
still want her as a girlfriend and she wants you as a friend its not going to work.
You need to tell her that she only has two options. She can have you back as a boyfriend
and see how that goes and try to remedy past mistakes or she can forget about you all
together!

Give her time and let her choose carefully, no pressure. But when she makes her decision
stick by it. If she says she wants you back, try to work together to sort out whatever was
wrong (in her eyes) in the first place.

If she says she doesn't want you as a boyfriend anymore you need to go cold Turkey.
Tell her you don't want to hear from her. That your heartbroken and that nothing she could
say will cheer you up. Ask her not to contact you again indefinitely that you need to get over
her and maybe in a couple of years you can try be friends, but that you wouldn't count on
it being a success (as it usually isn't) Its just a way of fobbing off someone you want to get
rid of. 'Oh we'll be great friends again in the future', you won't be!

And best of luck, there are other fish yada yada yada

Kidchameleon

Dublinstiofán just took the words out of my mouth OP. It strikes me that she wants to keep you around as a friend. She should definitely be giving you space, as painful as that is.

seenitall

Listen up OP,

usually in a long-term relationship breakdown, there are two people - the dumper and the dumpee. The dumper is usually the person who has fallen out of love with the other one, and that very probably over a long period of time beforehand - it can be a slow and hardly noticeable process; which means that by the time the dumpee first hears of it, things have gone too far south for any repair work to be successful or indeed advisable.:( What it also means is that the dumper is, at the time of break-up, already emotionally over the relationship - they may protest to the contrary, for sure, but the greatest sign of all that it is so (aside from, for example, having cheated) is their willingness (and eagerness even) to have their hitherto OH as a friend in their life. Anyone who loves someone as their life partner cannot make that switch overnight; so the fact that they can, means they haven't regarded the dumped one as their OH for a while.

I've probably over-complicated it a tad with the above, but what it means for you is that your ex's headspace is completely different to yours right now: she is over you, you are not over her. That means a big power imbalance in her favour in your intended friendship. It means that a friendship with you would do HER good, assuage her guilt over breaking up with you and keep a close friend beside her, but it would do YOU harm, stopping you from getting over her (the phase that is already behind her).

The only way for you to move on with your life is to cut her out until such time when you start eyeing up other girls and finding yourself happy to be single but ready for a relationship with someone else, should it come about. Then, and only then, will the two of you be able to have a friendship of equals together.

Best wishes.

LegacyUser

Thanks again for such thoughtful replies.

I'm more numb today than anything else but very very down.


Had a long chat with my male best friend (one of few friends I actually have) last night who has been through this once before (unfortunately he no longer lives here, but is coming over in fairness in a few days purely because of what's happened). He said its tough, but not to contact her for at least two weeks - think I'm going to follow that advice but by god is it tempting to try and plead with her - you said something similar Dublinstiofán I think, in terms of a bit of space and time to ensure she knows she made right decision. Depending on how I feel, I think it might then be a good time to ask to meet up for a chat, and ask her that very question (is she sure), but I am 100% prepared for the worst, and am not going to spend the next few weeks gradually building it up to something its not. He said to ignore all contact, but we both kind of agreed if she texted something like “Are you ok x” that a correct response would be one that didn’t invite any questions back e.g. “managing ok thanks” What you think?

In all liklihood we will both be upset when/if we meet but I feel she will still say nothing has changed in her mind, but at least I'll know I did all I could to get her back. I almost despise you for pointing it out seenitall so matter of factly, but that is what seems to have happened alright and maybe I needed to hear that. At that stage then if the meet up goes south as its 99.9% likely to do, I suppose its up to me what I want to do in terms of space, being friends etc. That's about the measure of the situation so from what you guys and gals have been saying, or am I missing anything?
Still can't believe I am writing this.

Thanks

dockysher

Hi,it was so weird reading ur post cause everyting you say is exact same as what as hapened with my girlfriend. we broke up on sunday after 5 years.

Virgil°

I'm sorry for your loss mate. I was where you are last November. But trust me when i say its gets better, you've just got to ride out the tough bit.
Do NOT contact her. At all. I really mean that. I did it for a while and yes, for a short while, it made me feel better but its only temporary and it puts you back to square one every time, in my case I eventually found out she was seeing other guys while I was still pining after her and that near destroyed me.
Imagine feeling like you do now for the next 3 months straight? That's what will happen if you remain in contact. You can't lean on her, use your other mates for this.
Think about it, every time she texts you, its not for your sake(mostly). She's texting you, asking if you're ok to relieve her guilty conscience.
You will get past this but you cannot remain friends with this girl for the immediate future, I think you know this deep down.
All the best mate.

dublingal80

Hi op

Firstly i hope you are doing ok

I know exactly what you are going through. This time last year my relationship of 4 years finished, completely out of the blue. As you are now, I was in shock, couldnt stop crying, could eat, I couldnt imagine my life without him. He didnt have any real explaination, just that we were in a rut and he wasnt sure if we were suited. Basically, he had all these questions in his head and instead of sitting down and discussing it and working through it together, he just decided himself what he wanted

As hard as it is op, and believe me i know, please dont text her! You need to figure out what you what, whats best for you. Not suit her and all her conditions. My ex had told me that he still loved me, that i was perfect, never did anything wrong and i was his best friend and he still wanted that, blah blah blah. So as hard and as difficult as it was I just let him have his space. He would send me a text every week or so to see how I was.. I could have picked up the phone and cried down the phone and begged and pleaded for him to meet me but i thoguht, ok, he has decided this himself, he has broken up with me, if this is what he wants im going to hold my head high and just get on with life.

So I did. The less i contacted him, the easier things got. I started to feel better, didnt think about him every second of the day and started to have fun again, and even met someone!

Please concentrate on you. Let her concentrate on herself. If you do decide to meet up in a few weeks and she does decided she wants to get back with you - please think about it hard. The trust is going to be so hard to get back. And she could do what she did again (this also happened to me when the ex found out i had met someone, said he wanted to marry me, i was his life blah blah, broke up with the person, started seeing the ex and 3 weeks later he said he made a mistake!)

Anyhow op, after all that rambling, my advice is
1. dont text her. If she does text you, you dont have to text her back. Do what YOU want!
2. see your friends more. Start going out or take up a new hobbie, something to fill your time and something that you enjoy
3. make YOU a priority - one one else will

best of luck!

LegacyUser

Op

sorry for the situation that you are in.

despite what you think, your situation is the same as all the other posters who were in long term relationships. you may think that yours is different to ours and that you can remain friends and get over this but its not.

this was my downfall 4 years ago when the love of my life dumped me out of the blue (need space etc ) she then strung me along for six months and i let her, i begged pleaded and generally made an ass of my self trying to get her back. all the time she was just sorting herself out while making a mess of my life.

in the end after telling me that i was still in the mix on numerous occasions she told me outside a pub that she had made up her mind and wasnt coming back, 5 weeks later she arrives at my place of work with her new boyfriend to "drop off some stuff".

It was a killer !!!

Tell her you love her and you want her back.
Tell her you want no contact unless its about reconciliation.
Do not answer any other texts or emails from her.
Do not contact her under ANY circumstances (you will find yourself making bizarre excuses to ring /text her)
Defriend her on facebook and NEVER go to her page.
Look after yourself because your going through a tough time
Treat yourself.
Write down what you want to say to her , let it flow , its amazing what will come out, then burn it , NEVER post it.

It took me a long time to heal because i thought my situation was different to everyone elses, it wasnt. staying in contact is like scratching an itchy scab, short term relief but long term the scar gets bigger and never heals.

Be patient, be good to yourself ,be mad , be sad but dont wallow in it. You need to start to move on now , to look out for you. If she wants you back she WILL get in touch and tell you.

No Contact I promise you its the best way.

username_eh?

they couldn't be more right as hard as it sounds to do! You'd be suprised how many people have been there before, listen to the advice i don't know about the facebook thing but definitely resist the urge to look at her page what ever you do! and old pictures everything that would be likely to upset you!

good luck and dont worry you'll come through it!
best wishes!

miec

Hi Op

Like others here I was in a long term relationship, it ended last year and like others I stayed 'friends' with my ex until January of this year and as such prolonged my grieving process. Whilst you are in the midst of the break up right now over time it will get easier but it will be much, much harder if you remain friends.

When I finally ended all contact only then did I begin the true grieving and I have started rebuilding my life again doing things I enjoy. I would urge you to not text, call, meet or speak to her except if she wants to get back and you want that too. Also I had to hide away photos and stop contact with his family, which was horrible because I was very close to them and I don't have family of my own anymore so it was a real killer but I had to do it.

Finally, your ex cannot help you get over this break-up, sadly her choice has caused you this pain and it is important for you to listen to your gut.

DangerMouse27

aargh im too late..

in all circumstances...ignore contact..maybe a few weeks after reply that your doing great