A marriage of convenience

LegacyUser

Hi, I'm looking for some advise please. Sorry if my post is long winded.

I'd partially guessed my husband was having an affair but buried my head in the sand for the past couple of years. It all came out in the open late last year when I confronted him. He denied it at first but then broke down and told me he had been seeing somebody for the past five years of our marriage. Of course, I was devastated but we talked through it and felt the marriage was worth saving.

A couple of weeks after, he left his phone behind him and he got an incoming text which I read; curiosity got the better of me. It was from her asking him how he was. I read some of his sent messages and he had sent a text to her saying something along the lines of I can't, you know the problem I have.

In the midst of the financial crisis he transferred a lot of business into my name and I am guessing that this is why he mentioned having a problem to her. I confronted him about the text which he absolutely denies. He said he would never have told her such a thing and the text was about something entirely different.

Again yesterday he kept getting messages and phone calls from her. I told him we needed to sit down and talk things out. Most of it I guess came out in the open though he still denies he told her anything about our finances but what I did hear is that during their affair she became seriously ill and he would bring her to hospital appointments and take her out. She is still sick and he is tip toeing around her so not to cause any health problems.

To be honest I am worn out with it all. Whenever we try and make love he's just not able. It seems like it has become a marriage of convenience.

Emme

If the worst comes to the worst you are his WIFE and legitimately entitled to adequate compensation if he asks for a divorce. He has also transferred some of his business assets into your name and that puts you in a strong position.

Emme

Emme wrote: »

If the worst comes to the worst you are his WIFE and legitimately entitled to adequate compensation if he asks for a divorce. He has also transferred some of his business assets into your name and that puts you in a strong position.

:rolleyes:

My advice to you would be to leave your husband. He has cheated on you and to add insult to injury has continued to keep in contact with this woman even after the affair was discovered. He obviously does not love you. I wouldn't be surprised if he is making up the story about the woman being sick in order to manipulate and control the situation he has got himself into.

Forget about the financial aspect of things. This is your life, I'm sure you want more from it then to be in a false relationship for the rest of your life. Best of luck to you in the future.

I am a friend

What does he mean by the 'problem' he has? Is it that you know about them, think it's over and he can't leave because some of the businesses are in your name?

I guess if he is transferring the businesses into your names it's to evade something or are you a working director of these businesses?

LegacyUser

Not to be insulting, but OP, you must have extremely low self-esteem or you do not love your husband, because there is no way you would be putting up with this situation and him still being in contact with her otherwise. Your heart would be torn apart every time you saw him pick up his phone to text her. That is a normal reaction. Perhaps you have become resigned to the fact that this other woman is more important to him than you?

Why would you do that to yourself? Why would you turn a blind eye to a cheating husband for years? Why would you allow him to disrespect you by standing by while he continues to text and call this other woman? Why would you sleep with a man who has abused you to this degree? Giving him sex will not fix this marriage. Nothing will. He does not care about you if he continues to play games and remain in contact with this other woman. He is abusing your failure to take action, by remaining in contact.

OP, I hope I don't come across as rude or insulting, but I'm honestly astonished by your reaction to this.

It saddens me to see so many women out there who allow themselves to be treated like sh1t by men like your husband. You deserve better. Everyone deserves better than to allow themselves to be put in a situation like this.

You need to spend some time concentrating on yourself and perhaps try to answer some of the questions above. You are better than this.

JackieBurkhart

What do you want to do OP? Do you want to stay in this marriage? Do you think you can get over all this deceit and betrayal? Is this the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? Do you not deserve better?

Forget about the financial situation - and wondering why he is staying with you. Why are you staying with him?

LegacyUser

if I had one word of advise- leave those things assigned to you in your name-
don't allow a sudden holiday or reason for change to up funds be a reason to transfer back to him- personally I fell for that one years back- as soon as asset in his name he was gone. Let him leave- but keep what's legally yours.......

Taltos

His motivations aside - this jumped out at me...

marriage wrote: »

Whenever we try and make love he's just not able.

Forget about what he is playing at - what are you playing at OP?
You know he is cheating and yet you are continuing to have sex or attempt to? Why have you not kicked him out yet?
I mean he clearly doesn't respect you, he doesn't love you and the above speaks for itself.

I would be less inclined to waste time trying to get this to work or trying to figure out why he is doing what he is doing - I would be more motivated to speak to a solicitor immediately and do what you can do to protect yourself as for all intents and purposes in all but name your marriage is over.

tinkerbell

marriage wrote: »

Whenever we try and make love he's just not able.

And why would he bother trying? He's having an affair with someone else .... when I read this line I wondered to myself if you actually realise that he's having an affair and how wrong that is.

Neyite

My guess would be that his 'problem' is that you now own his assets, and should you decide to sling him out to live with his bit on the side, you could potentially leave him financially high and dry.

It seems to me that you want this marriage to work - hence trying to make love to him (personally I would not touch him with a barge pole if he cheated) but I do think that you need to face up to reality here. Your marriage is over. He has cheated with this woman almost from day one and has shown you he has no intention to end it. He lied last year to you, and he is lying again. She is seriously ill - oh please..:rolleyes:. usually its the mistress that gets fed these whoppers, not the wife.

You are coming last here in this triangle - you deserve more. Consult a solicitor and separate. While I can understand it would be tempting to hurt him financially, especially when so hurt and angry at him, you need to be the better person here, and separate the assets fairly. You will look back in time to see that you are the only one who behaved with dignity and honesty here.

missgroovy21

You deserve better!!!!

In my opinion you are being disrespected, if he doesnt want to be in a marriage with you then end it not leave you dangling and worrying. 5 years of an affair seems like hes having his cake and eating it. Im sure he feels guilty but you need to do whats ultimately best for you