Broken Heart....want my ex back!!

Kerry Lad

Hi everyone. I'm really in need of your advice & help. I've been a mess the past 4 months and I just can't seem to get my life back together again.
My girlfriend of 5years left me just before new years. I'm absolutely devastated. I'm 29 & my girlfriend is 26. We've been living together the past year & half. She was my soul mate, my best-friend & the love of my life. I always knew i loved her but never knew how deeply till now. I always assumed we would get married n start a family. I bought an engagement ring which i secretly kept for nearly 3years. I was waiting till i knew we were ready. I was planning on asking her this year. We often talked about marriage & settling down. We had so many plans & we both wanted the same things.

Anyway to make a long story short I took her for granted whilst we were together especially the last 12months. I denied her the love & affection she craved & deserved. I was so foolish i never saw the signs. When we broke up she told me she was trying so hard for a long time to get through to me. I was oblivious to it all. Have i left it too late....She keeps reminding me why did it take me so long to realise how i felt & how i was acting.

The last two years we were together was very hard on both of us. When i think about it now i was really depressed. I spent a year out of work, my closest friend died in an accident. My girlfriend & i spent weeks apart because of her work. I was always worried about money,mortgage, work. I only know realise how unimportant all those things really are. None of if matters if you share it. If only i had opened my eyes & had seen what was in front of me!!! I just couldn't give my girlfriend the love is needed. I was really uncomfortable expressing my feelings.

I miss my girlfriend so much. When we first broke up we talked & text every week. We've even met up a couple of times & spent 2 nights together. It was bliss. Nothing happened we just hugged, talked & slept. She has told me she needs to do this for her right now. She misses me, but she's a mess & confused by how she feels. She said she tried so hard for so long & in her mind she gave me loads of chances. I really didn't see or know how much everything was building up & getting to her!! More recently she has been distancing herself from me. She says its not fair to either of us cause we keep going over the same stuff & she not able to deal with all the emotions. I probably haven't helped the situation by not giving her more space... but I'm so scared of losing her

What can i do to win her love back? I know she loved me & could fall in love with me again if she let her self. At the end of our relationship the passion had probably died a bit. But i reckon its possible to rekindle that passion? I wasn't giving her what she wanted from the relationship. I really don't know what to do.....I'm seriously heartbroken. i just want my best friend & girlfriend back :-( i miss her so so much & love her to bits....HELP me please.:(

beks101

Kerry Lad wrote: »

What can i do to win her love back?

You can't. You simply have no control over what your ex girlfriend feels and need to respect her need for space right now. I know, it sucks, trust me so many of us have been there and it's the worst, most isolating, frustrating and downright heartbreaking place in the world, but for both your sakes you need to cut contact and take control of your life and your health to prevent yourself from falling into a depression.

I really feel for you, you've obviously been through the mill and have been torturing yourself these past few months over what you did wrong in the relationship, how you could have prevented this, what you need to do to make your girlfriend come back to you...it's time to let it rest now. It's time to take stock and get your own life in order, because you're no use to anyone in your current state, least of all yourself.

Start with the basics. Is your lifestyle healthy, are you eating well and getting regular exercise? Getting enough sleep? Not abusing alcohol or drugs? Do you have a good circle of friends, is there someone there who you can confide in? Are you close to your family? You said you had trouble expressing yourself while you and your ex were together - maybe now's the time to take a closer look at that and learn a lesson from it, now is definitely the time to lean on your family and friends. You shouldn't be dealing with this on your own.

I know it's the standard cliche to roll out but time really makes such a huge difference in these situations, the perspective it grants you can really help to heal and as broken as you feel right now, it really is a matter of taking care of yourself and just sitting it out. None of us can tell you what your ex will decide to do or what she's feeling but I can tell you for sure that smothering her with attention and questions right now is only going to push her further away. She can't see the wood for the trees right now as it hasn't been a clean break, the best thing you can do right now is to give her some breathing space.

The best of luck OP. Remember, nothing is permanent, this too shall pass.

Kerry Lad

sunflower27 wrote: »

Hi OP

I'm sorry you feel so low - I know it is an awful place to be.

You can't expect her to be just willing to believe all has changed. From the sounds of it she put up with a load of cr*p from you. I know you say you didn't realise you were treating her badly, but depressed or not, how could you not know?

I think you need to give her some space and not rush anything. At the moment she probably thinks you are full of false promises. All she has to go on is your past behaviour.

I think the best chance you have of getting her back is giving her the space she needs and working on yourself. I know it is easy for me to say.

I am really sorry you are going through this, regret is awful to live with. All you can do is get on with your life and hope that in time she will want to try again.

Hi Sunflower. Thanks for your reply.

I never treated her badly...and she would agree with me. I just took her a bit for granted. i just wasnt as loving as i could have been or didnt show or tell her enough how much i loved her. She has told me she knows in her heart things would be different but she "needs to do this for her right now"..."figure out what makes her happy". She said she doesnt know how she will feel tomorrow or next week or next month but right now she needs to on her own. The night we broke up she wanted to work things out but the following morning she changed her mind!! 2months before we broke up we were never getting on so well... we both agreed we felt we had fallen in love again!! But close to xmas i got a bit down about work trouble n then out of now where she came home after a night out kissed me & said love u. Then half an hour later she got up set & the whole situation free wheeled from there!!

During the whole process we never fought or had a cross word...we were both just really upset. Even today we are very friendly but we both get upset talking about stuff. Ive really tried giving her space but she ends up texting me eventually...we havent gone more than a week without contact. Ive given up contacting her unless she contacts me. I really didnt see this coming. We've had our ups & downs but its always worked itself out.

Ive really worked on myself the past few months ive opened up to friends & family. Ive gotten to the bottom of my own issues. Ive really realised how i had everything and how much more i have to offer her in a relationship. I know in my heart i could never take her for granted again & give her the love & affection she deserves

Thanks so much for your reply...really appreciate it

Kerry Lad

beks101 wrote: »

You can't. You simply have no control over what your ex girlfriend feels and need to respect her need for space right now. I know, it sucks, trust me so many of us have been there and it's the worst, most isolating, frustrating and downright heartbreaking place in the world, but for both your sakes you need to cut contact and take control of your life and your health to prevent yourself from falling into a depression.

I really feel for you, you've obviously been through the mill and have been torturing yourself these past few months over what you did wrong in the relationship, how you could have prevented this, what you need to do to make your girlfriend come back to you...it's time to let it rest now. It's time to take stock and get your own life in order, because you're no use to anyone in your current state, least of all yourself.

Start with the basics. Is your lifestyle healthy, are you eating well and getting regular exercise? Getting enough sleep? Not abusing alcohol or drugs? Do you have a good circle of friends, is there someone there who you can confide in? Are you close to your family? You said you had trouble expressing yourself while you and your ex were together - maybe now's the time to take a closer look at that and learn a lesson from it, now is definitely the time to lean on your family and friends. You shouldn't be dealing with this on your own.

I know it's the standard cliche to roll out but time really makes such a huge difference in these situations, the perspective it grants you can really help to heal and as broken as you feel right now, it really is a matter of taking care of yourself and just sitting it out. None of us can tell you what your ex will decide to do or what she's feeling but I can tell you for sure that smothering her with attention and questions right now is only going to push her further away. She can't see the wood for the trees right now as it hasn't been a clean break, the best thing you can do right now is to give her some breathing space.

The best of luck OP. Remember, nothing is permanent, this too shall pass.

Thanks for the reply beks101

Ive really tried cutting contact. Please see my other post to sunflower. Everytime we cut contact we are drawn back to one another. I honestly dont make contact first. i wait till she conatcts me. Ive told her she can text or call me as much or as little as she wants or have no contact. But its up to her.

Ive tried getting my own life back on track. im focusing on me & really trying to put her out of my mind. But i think of her everyday & night and can seem to get her out of my mind:( In order to give her n me space ive oraganised a trip away to do some travelling for a month or 6wks.

Im being healthy & getting exercise. i only drink the wkds. Time does heal but its been 4months now & it seems endless.

Would i be better off enforcing no contact.....im afraid of hurting her or driving her away. after all shes my bestfriend & cant bear the thoughts of not hearing from her

Kerry Lad

sunflower27 wrote: »

Sorry, I shouldn't have said treated her badly.... it's just how I would have viewed someone not showing me affection in a relationship. It's soul destroying.

Have you considered writing her a letter? Getting it all written down so she can read over it. I would be honest and say this is how you feel after four months and for your own sanity you are considering no contact - not because you don't care but because of how you feeling.

I wish I could take your pain away - I know how all-consuming it can be.

Am glad you are looking after yourself and not drinking too much as that will only make you feel worse.

You won't always be in this limbo, even if it doesn't feel like it.

your probably right....it probably was soul destroying for her:( dont get me wrong its not that i didnt show affection....i just didnt do it often enough. i got lazy in the relationship!! just assumed she'd always be there...my own fault!! just hope its not too late. I really believed after 4months she would have figured this out & would be able to give it another go!!! i feel the longer this goes on the less chance i have of getting her back? what do you make of her contact with me & what she has said to me.....has she feeling left or is she just spinning me lines to let me down??

Ive thought about writing a letter but i dont know where to start & if i did start i would probably waffle on for pages & pages...i did write her an email a few weeks after we first broke up. might try the letter & give it to her before i head away for a few weeks / months!!

i hope your right about this limbo........it feels endless. i just can bring myself to give up on her or us.

LegacyUser

Did you tell her when ye broke up, that you'd been planning on proposing? Show her the ring so she knew you were serious? Did you miss "flashpoints" eg:birthdays, holidays, Christmas, where you could have made a romantic gesture but didn't?
I broke up with my ex on a similar issue, he chased after me, we got engaged, he reverted back to his original ways, we split up. More than likely your gf figures, hell, I moved in with this guy for a year, this should have been a great year, us battling the world together, and she may have just felt like a flatmate?
Don't know what to say to you. All you can really do is lay down your cards as to how you feel, and hope that she believes you.

Kerry Lad

ljlk wrote: »

Did you tell her when ye broke up, that you'd been planning on proposing? Show her the ring so she knew you were serious? Did you miss "flashpoints" eg:birthdays, holidays, Christmas, where you could have made a romantic gesture but didn't?
I broke up with my ex on a similar issue, he chased after me, we got engaged, he reverted back to his original ways, we split up. More than likely your gf figures, hell, I moved in with this guy for a year, this should have been a great year, us battling the world together, and she may have just felt like a flatmate?
Don't know what to say to you. All you can really do is lay down your cards as to how you feel, and hope that she believes you.

J:p

Hi J:-)

Yeah when we broke up I told her my plans for proposing n showed her the ring!! She seemed really sad... On occasions when we met after d break up she said why didn't I ask her sooner.... Why did it take me so long to realise how strongly I felt. Once soon after the break up she called to see me and I caught her trying on the ring. She said it was just to see what it felt like!!

I never missed a "flashpoint" except her last birthday. On that occasion we both got separated n couldn't meet up due to bad weather which prevented both of us from travelling! For her birthday, Christmas n anniversarys I showed my love with expensive gifts rather than small simple jestures which would have meant more to her. I know this now and I was wrong. I expressed my love with the gift rather than the gesture:-( don't get me wrong I often did romantic gestures but i had been lazy d past year.

Can I ask u how long were you & your ex broken up before you decided to get back together? Why did you decide to give it another go? I'm sorry to hear it didn't work out. But I can honestly say I would never revert to my old ways. I've learned such a lesson & have never been so scared!!

For the most part we got on really well & loved living together... If anything the problem was we hated being apart. Because for the last 6months of our relationship we only lived together weekends and during holidays because my girlfriend could not commute to work from our home but had to stay close to her workplace during the week. It used really upset us both when she had to leave Sunday evenings. This was only temporary and she has since moved home to her parents cause her contract is up. Her parents live a few miles from me which makes it very difficult knowing she is so close now and I can't be with her:-(

ando

man just go for it, don’t wait or give her space, just go with your heart and try your absolute best and do as much as you can to make it seem like you spent a million dollars and all your thought in a last ditch effort to get her back. Go full force, do things that you never did before to make her feel special, new and fresh. Make her see for sure that you love her and you will do anything for her and if she accepts don’t ever take her for granted again, ever. Do it, if you don’t you'll regret it and think about it forever and "what if's". Man, I was with my ex for nearly 5 years, it was tough towards the end, I tried everything for the last few months to save it but it wasn’t to be, but I don’t regret or think back to myself and say "oh if I only did this" or "if I only did that". I DID try and it didn’t work which I accept. I think you'll find it easier to move on if it isn’t to be, but I hope your story turns out in a more positive light

Fentdog84

Im sorry man but she has made her decision, and women rarely take this decisions lightly. i know its tough but you just need to accept its over. It wont do you any good trying to win her back, and the chances seem pretty remote. Its would only extend the torture for you. Just make a clean break, head out with friends, meet other people, go on a holiday, give yourself something to look forward to. If you feel you made mistakes during the relationship just see it as a lesson learned so the next time you wont make the same mistakes. However having said that it may not be anything specific that you did that caused the break-up, she may just decided that she wanted something different/head in a different direction. It happens. There is nothing set in stone. What we have today, can be easily taken away tommorow. just stay positive and say to yourself ''ok, so whats next?''

talkinyite

I've been in the same boat the past year and a half now, sickened now coming out of the stupor & realizing the wasted time. Best advice I could give is to stop talking to her, exes are like emotional vampires always leaving ye in a state to make themselves feel better, think of all the ****e she held you back from and go get it done.

LegacyUser

Kerrylad,
Just an idea that worked with me..could you send her flowers ?
Then send her a letter (much more romantic than an email)...all you can do is try because life is short.
If it doesn't work, well what's the worst that can happen? Has to be better to know one way or the other so you can have a better quality of life.
Good luck

beks101

Kerry Lad wrote: »

Thanks for the reply beks101

Would i be better off enforcing no contact.....im afraid of hurting her or driving her away. after all shes my bestfriend & cant bear the thoughts of not hearing from her

I'm not your girlfriend by any stretch of the imagination but I'll give you a female perspective.

If I broke up with a boyfriend of five years because I was 'confused', the regular contact and best-buddies-post-relationship thing would lead to nothing but further confusion, upset and possible resentment.

No doubt her head is all over the place just as yours is, but how can she put herself and her feelings first and figure out what she wants when she's constantly under the pressure of making up her mind and taking you back - which is essentially what the regular contact is representing. She knows how you feel, you don't need to be there every day or reply to her texts, phone calls, emails etc to remind her.

And forget this 'best friend' business - you had a sexual, intimate relationship with this girl for five years, it's a hell of a leap to go from that to a platonic friendship, where you confide in each other but everything else is off limits. You want more, way more, and she doesn't know what she wants but is taking refuge in the comfort of contact with you anyway.

Break ups require the establishment of boundaries because without them you'll cause yourself further hurt and pain down the line. What if she decides tomorrow that she doesn't want you back, will you be happy to stay her 'best friend' anyway?

Maybe the potential for a relationship or a friendship is there down the line - but right now neither of you are up to it. What I would suggest is to send that letter, tell her how you feel but tell her that you won't be available to her for a while, you need some space to think and so does she. Go on that holiday and focus your energy 100% on enjoying yourself and strengthening yourself, body and mind. Challenge yourself and meet new people and be as selfish as you need to be, not for anyone else but for yourself.

If it's meant to be, it will happen after all this. You really do have to let her go and see if she comes back to you.

Kerry Lad

beks101 wrote: »

I'm not your girlfriend by any stretch of the imagination but I'll give you a female perspective.

If I broke up with a boyfriend of five years because I was 'confused', the regular contact and best-buddies-post-relationship thing would lead to nothing but further confusion, upset and possible resentment.

No doubt her head is all over the place just as yours is, but how can she put herself and her feelings first and figure out what she wants when she's constantly under the pressure of making up her mind and taking you back - which is essentially what the regular contact is representing. She knows how you feel, you don't need to be there every day or reply to her texts, phone calls, emails etc to remind her.

And forget this 'best friend' business - you had a sexual, intimate relationship with this girl for five years, it's a hell of a leap to go from that to a platonic friendship, where you confide in each other but everything else is off limits. You want more, way more, and she doesn't know what she wants but is taking refuge in the comfort of contact with you anyway.

Break ups require the establishment of boundaries because without them you'll cause yourself further hurt and pain down the line. What if she decides tomorrow that she doesn't want you back, will you be happy to stay her 'best friend' anyway?

Maybe the potential for a relationship or a friendship is there down the line - but right now neither of you are up to it. What I would suggest is to send that letter, tell her how you feel but tell her that you won't be available to her for a while, you need some space to think and so does she. Go on that holiday and focus your energy 100% on enjoying yourself and strengthening yourself, body and mind. Challenge yourself and meet new people and be as selfish as you need to be, not for anyone else but for yourself.

If it's meant to be, it will happen after all this. You really do have to let her go and see if she comes back to you.

Thanks for the reply. Some good comments.

I took the plunge today & told her i couldnt do the frinds thing when i wanted more cause it hurts too much :-(

Do people really believe if its meant to be it will happen??

Would love to hear some stories where things have worked out.....??

LegacyUser

I agree totally with bluebird101, you will spend the rest of your life wondering what might have been. At least this way you will know if there is a future for you two or not. I'm hoping that there is... Best of luck to you and keep us posted on here as to how you get on.

LegacyUser

Kerry Lad wrote: »

Thanks for the reply. Some good comments.

I took the plunge today & told her i couldnt do the frinds thing when i wanted more cause it hurts too much :-(

Do people really believe if its meant to be it will happen??

Would love to hear some stories where things have worked out.....??

Hey kerry lad - going through a somewhat similar situation myself! http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056268685 No advice to offer you except to say I hope you feel better in time and that things work out the best for you. Actually only advice I would offer is not to look for happy ending stories - it is of no relevance to your situation and will only make you feel worse if things do not work out in time.

Kerry Lad

Just an update

After I cut the contact....it lasted a week & half before she texted me about meeting up! Needless to say i caved in and jumped at the chance to see her.

She called last night to our home (im leaving there on my own now). When i opened the door we both tried to keep it friendly.... hello, how are you etc...it it only lasted moments.

We both felling into each others arms & balled our eyes out. I dont know what came over me but i couldnt hold it in when i saw her....it had been a month since we last met ;-( the emotions & tears took over. It was so powerful. It was the same for her...she told me "you do know i have missed you". We stood there for what felt like an hour just hugging & crying. Surely this is not the actions of a girl who is not in love with me or who is happy to be broken up?

To make a long story short we ended up lying on our bed (nothing happened) chatting for about 2 hours. It felt great to catch up...she told me that it hasnt been easy for her either. She has her bad days & tears too. She seems to be really hurt by the break up!! "Why did it have to happen for me to realise how much she meant". I asked her to forgive & forget what was in the past. Look to the future & a fresh start...lets work on us & try remedy the problems & mistakes. She just seemed so hurt & upset!! i know part of her wants to come back but shes scared. Shes afraid we'd end up right back where we were...I need to win her trust i think. Even after 5months she doesnt seem to have to come to term with a lot of stuff. Is this normal after 5months?

Outside of us she seems to be dealing with something else even she doesnt understand...shes at a cross roads in her life etc. She compared it being in a big black hole & not being able to get out of it :-(

How messed up is all this? I dont know what to do or think anymore...???Other than the tears & talk of us we both really enjoyed seeing one another. It was really nice...n we decided not to leave it so long in the future.

I think she was genuine in wanting to see me cause she missed me & shes still thinking about us & a possible relationship....but at the back of my mind im scared she was calling to see if i would still take her back i.e. she was checking to make she i wasnt moving on etc.

What do ye guys think? any comments on anything ive said would be greatly appreciated.

Just remembered there...she notice i had packed up the last of her stuff before leaving. She could have taken it but closed the press door & said nothing. Ive even told her i had found some items she was missing but she didnt ask for them!!

Sorry for the waffle...im a bit all over the place. But i must admit i feel better for seeing her....or im i just living off giving myself hope!!!