Drink & Boredom

LegacyUser

I am hoping for some guidance here, not criticism thank you.

I am quite a high functioning single parent (mother). I have one child who is almost a teenager. I have my own home, newish car, my son does really well at school, has loads of friends (as do I), I have a good job that I love and one that has me speaking in public everyday. So on the surface, I would be considered quite successful, although I am struggling with financial issues as we all are at the moment. But here is the problem.

I drink.

I drink one bottle of wine every night and have been doing so for about 2yrs now. I grew up with an alcholic father, and as a result, I never drank till I was about 30 and even now, when out socially, I would only have 3/4 glasses of wine maximum. My father was a 'fall-down' drunk who beat my mother and all us children. He 'reformed' when we had all grown, when my mother had died and has now met a lovely lady and seems very happy. So basically, he destroyed our lives, killed my mother and now, gets to 'live happily ever after'. Do I sound cynical? Maybe that's because I am!

Anyway, for various reasons I will not be attending AA.

So I know I have a problem with drink. But I feel it's because I'm lonely, sit at home night in night out (my son is just that bit young at the moment, and still needs a babysitter). I also know I am doing damage to my health. But I don't know how to stop this awful habit. for example, right now, I'm sitting here thinking 'Now, I won't drink tonight, I'll do x,y and z in the house. But inevitably, on my way home from work, I'll drop into a shop and buy a bottle...

For what it's worth, my son doesn't see me 'drunk' as such - I usually get stuff done, help with homework, have a chat with him, bring him to his activities in the evenings, and then he's in bed around 9pm...and then I think..."I'll just have one glass of wine, to relax..." Before I know it, the bottle is gone and I'm in bed. Obviously I'm waking with a hangover etc but I've never missed a day in work, never renaged on any of my work or family committments..and never drank more than one bottle any night....

How do I stop this?

seamus

I think the most appropriate question to ask yourself initially is why do you want to stop this?

There is a world of difference between recognising that you're doing something which could be harmful, and actually wanting to do something about it.

Pebbles68

I used live in France, on my own, didn't speak French and only had French TV. I know exactly what you are experiencing. I started going to bed at 10 o'clock because I had nothing to do. There's only so many hours you can spend in the gym, reading, cleaning up etc. And of course in France the wine was so cheap. I get that you don't want to go to AA and I also understand that you don't necessarily want to stop drinking completely. Rather than fighting it try and do what i did. I just took a decision not to drink before 8 o'clock. And if you drink white wine make a spritzer. Half and half, sparkling water and wine. It was a bit strange to get used to but it certainly made a difference to the amount I drank. Just make sure you don't increase the number of drinks you have and you'll find that you are only drinking half a bottle of wine. I know it's not ideal but it is a start. What you will find is you are not going to bed drunk and gradually drink isn't such a big part of your evening.
Hope it helps.

LegacyUser

thank you for replying.

I want to stop this because I want to live long enough to see my son grown, to get a 'life' for myself and to get out of this rut.

I know I have issues of self-esteem (you would never guess if you met me know, I hide it well!) and have been to counselling (obviously, due to my childhood) and while I KNOW that I deserve more than this life I have created for myself (love and companionship for example), I've never really been able to connect with that emotion 'I Deserve this or that...'

strokemyclover

Look at your strengths instead of your weaknesses. If you can come out of an abusive household, raise a child, keep a job, etc.. you can certainly walk home from work without buying a bottle for that night. Even if you've bought the bottle you certainly sound like you are strong enough to not go near it until you feel you deserve it.

Begin to think of drink as a treat rather than a way to stave off boredom. If you get through a tough week and have a few on Friday and/or Saturday you will really feel you deserved it and not hate yourself for the pleasure. Constantly drinking just reinforces the reasons why you are doing it and builds up negative thoughts.

I wouldn't recommend AA either but you certainly need to talk to someone about this in order to keep it in it's place.

seamus

unregistered wrote: »

I want to stop this because I want to live long enough to see my son grown, to get a 'life' for myself and to get out of this rut.

That's kind of what I thought. Although you probably have a tendancy towards alcoholism as it has genetic factors, the primary reason why you drink appears to be out of boredom moreso than anything else. You like a drink - I'm with you on that one - but when you're chilling out watching TV with two hours to kill, sure what harm is a second glass. And then the third. And then the bottle is gone so you go to bed.

It's a very easy rut to fall into, especially when you have something which keeps you tied to where you are; you can't leave the house after a certain time, so no matter what you choose to do, even if it's not watching telly, then there's no harm in having a glass of wine.

I reckon there are probably only two things you can do to get yourself out of this;

1. Make alcohol less available to you. Obviously once you're at home, you can't nip out and get a bottle. So if it's not there when you get home, you can't drink it. Or even just buy a half bottle instead of a full bottle. As Pebbles illustrates, it doesn't necessarily "fix" the problem, but you are drinking less alcohol and arguably not doing any damage to yourself.
You can also try making it harder to buy wine on your way home from work. Obviously I don't know the specifics of your day, so you'd have to make up your own, but try simple things like only bringing enough money for your lunch (leaving credit cards and laser cards at home), or changing your route so that you don't pass a shop or an off-licence. The more steps you have to take to go and buy a bottle of wine, the more opportunity you have to snap yourself out of it.

2. Change your routine. Have you a friend that you could confide in and arrange to do something one or two nights per week? Something as simple as going for a walk or going to the cinema or whatever. Bring your son, make it a "treat" night where he gets to go to bed at 10pm, then you won't be far behind him yourself.
Or even possibly arrange a babysitter one or two nights a week and go do something for yourself, a pilates class, cookery classes, anything at all to get you out of the house and doing something different.
Or perhaps you're the kind of person who can get up early? Go to bed when your son does, get up early in the morning and go for a walk or a run, or do stuff around the house.


I think the key to it is tackling your boredom and if you can get out of the house and vary your routine, you'll find less need to crack open a bottle to relieve the boredom.

Miss Fluff

unregistered wrote: »

for example, right now, I'm sitting here thinking 'Now, I won't drink tonight, I'll do x,y and z in the house. But inevitably, on my way home from work, I'll drop into a shop and buy a bottle...

So go a different route. Probably sounds simplistic but it's not. Just don't buy a bottle this evening. Don't go near the shops you normally stop at to buy your bottle. Tell yourself now that you're not going to have a drink until Friday evening next week when you can kick back and really enjoy it as a reward. The next seven days will be a nice booze free week for you and then you can really savour the old vino when you have some.

You're drinking sounds habitual so why don't you break that habit just to prove to yourself that you actually can?

Also, if you drink white wine which is quite easy to drink, maybe think about switching to red when you do drink as you're less likely to drink as much.

Avoid the shops this evening! That will be a start.

LegacyUser

thanks for the comments guys, and the advice.

I have tried that changing my route thing - but I inevitably need milk or bread at least every second night on the way home from work, or something for his lunch the next day etc. I can't avoid shops for more than a few nights - as I work f/t and have quite busy weekends (he plays soccer and Gaa), I don't always do a 'big-shop' and often pop in and out of a shop for our dinner on the way home. He is at the age (11) where he DETESTS supermarkets and will not come to one with me anymore...or if he does, he moans and that justs ends in an argument. Usually, I try to get someone to watch him for half an hour while I pop to a shop...There are few, if ANY shops that sell bread and milk, that don't also sell wine...

I'm just leaving the office now...and I've no milk so have to pop into a shop this evening.

When I went to a counsellor recently, I wanted to know WHY I'm doing this to myself. My son is my life, if anything were to happen to me I have no idea who would even raise him, and yet, here I am, almost killing myself one bottle of wine at a time. I am so angry at myself.

I'll log back on later and would appreciate any comments again, thanks. I am taking your comments on board by the way, thanks.

CK2010

I dunno if i can help you but i myself like the odd bottle of wine, however it is only every few weeks/months. but what i did find was that i was kind of aiming to finish the bottle each time. regardless of whether i wanted to drink it or not just knowing there was some left in the bottle id pour myself some more, just a subconscious thing- although im like this with food too, guilt about wasting it i guess- even though i knew i could keep it for tomorrow i rarely did.

but i found that pouring a glass and leaving the bottle in the fridge instead of bringing it inside with me, i was less inclined to just pour another for the sake of it. i also made a point of thinking to myself that id be leaving half the bottle for tomorrow or another night.

see if you can get two half bottles instead of one full bottle, its easier to stop yourself from opening the second half bottle than it is to stop drinking the open full bottle.

it is nice to have a glass of wine after a hard day but the problem with this is then it might become almost a dependency issue. like if it becomes your crutch for a bad day. so id maybe try to avoid it on days where you feel as if you need it. and if you find this difficult then it might help you figure out if it is a need rather than a want.
maybe try to limit it to a certain day so that its something to look forward to as opposed to something you need when things go bad? like friday nights get a dvd,a nice takeaway and some wine.

also if you can, each time you decide not to buy some wine at the shop put the money you save into a money box for your son and every few months go to the pictures or somewhere nice together. you'll see how much you're saving and you'll have more of a reason not to buy the wine if it gives you and your boy something nice. this will take self discipline though- not to just throw any money in even if you buy wine, not taking money out if you're short etc. but make a point of doing it for your son and it'll motivate you more.

hope this helps. and fair play for wanting to stop/cut down, it takes guts to admit it! and sorry for the hard times you had. x

tenchi-fan

I think you should stop blaming your father. I know it's difficult, but at some stage personal responsibility comes into it.

You said you have money issues.. If you paid €10 for a bottle of wine every night for 2 years, you just wasted €7600 incl interest. Even now that money could be earning interest of over €20 per month. When your house is repossessed you can blame your dad, employer, bank of government. Your son might blame someone else.

How do you stop? Break the cycle. You're saying your dad "reformed" himself. I think you should nip your problem in the bud instead of hoping for a miraculous transformation in 10 years time (after having lost almost €50,000 to your little habit!)

LegacyUser

Op here. I didn't drink last night but that was because a friend dropped in unexpectedly and as she was driving, we just had coffee. I had bought the wine on the way home from work however, but was delighted that I didn't drink it this morning though, when I woke up fresh and alert. However, it was only because she didn't leave until 11...had she left around 9, I'd have opened it...

I'm not 'blaming' my dad. Although I do believe that rather than sit here, night after night, thinking of my life, my mother, my father etc, I have a drink so I don't have to feel the pain of it anymore. I think alot of people use drink like that, don't they? Just to numb the pain...

I think I'm afraid not to drink in case the pain overwhelms me night after night...this is what was happening when I began buying the wine a couple of years back. My son was older, and playing outside every evening when I got in from work. Suddenly, having spent 8yrs with a young child keeping me busy each evening, I had a couple of hours until he came in for bath/bed. I am delighted for him, that he has naturally become much more independent of me - and yet, it made me realise how little my own life had progressed while I was raising him. Previous to that, I hadn't go the time to think about 'me'...then all of a sudden, I did.
And I found that the odd glass of wine just helped me forget the turmoil of my own childhood, made my bored, lonely evenings more bearable.

And before anyone says it, I did try internet dating for a couple of months and would never try it again!!!

username123

Why dont you find something useful and interesting to do at home in the evenings? Like distance learning, a hobby, learning some new skill like dressmaking or maybe painting the house - just SOMETHING that you have to actually DO in the house rather than just sitting down looking at the telly which leads to drinking the wine.