Controlling Boyfriend????

Maisy Flower

Hi, I am so confused right now. Myself and my partner moved in together over a year ago now and we have a beautiful little 14 month old girl! Since I've had my little girl, my partner has changed a lot. I think that he would like me to stay around the house more and do all the womanly things that some men expect!! The problem I have is that we are both unemployeded right now and because of this, I reckon he should share things equally. Plus, I think I am making more of an effort to look for work where as it seems to me that he is not! Also, we fight reguarly cause he is always giving out to me for drinking too much (which I don't) and doesn't want me to go see other friends that he doesn't approve of?
You know, I alway's thought that I was a head strong sensible girl but I'm finding this one difficult! Can someone enlighten me please or am I just being v stubborn? Thank you

Maisy

Fentdog84

No you are not being stubborn. Its always going to be difficult being around each other 24/7, but if he's not making any visible effort to find work you dont need to put up with that. If he was trying really hard and you were getting on his case for not working it would be a different story. Obviously deep down he feels bad about not working, so when the topic comes up instead of engaging and arguing try to be as encouraging and supporting as you can. Maybe he could do a college course or a fas course. Something to get him out of the house every day. There is always options..

Distorted

Well, if its the sort of relationship where you are both happy that you do the womanly things such as all the housework and childcare then he has to do the traditional manly things as well, such as working to provide for you! However he just sounds lazy and controlling and he's not being fair. Whats the point of him really? He doesn't work, he doesn't do house stuff and he nags and controls you all the time. Not really got much going for him, has he?

Maisy Flower

Thank you for all your replies. I feel so confused. I think that I know what I should do and suppose I have been avoiding the breakup thing because he is so good with our daughter and I so wanted the family thing to work.
He recently went behing mt back and spoke to my friend about how much I was drinking and she was shocked! This is not an issue with me I promise but now she is doubting me too.
I feel that he is at his happiest when I am not visiting friends and am looking after our daughter.
I'll definitely have to relook at the siyuation. I'm just afraid to bring the issues up sometimes because I know he will get all angry and [EMAIL="p^$@ed"]p^$@ed[/EMAIL] off!
I keep making excuses for him that he is depressed because of work or lack of, but I guess this is silly of me. I'm also afraid of how he's going to act around other people - is he going to be nice to them or rude?
Ok, I think that's enough said - I kinda just answered my own question

Floppybits

Maisy Flower wrote: »

Thank you for all your replies. I feel so confused. I think that I know what I should do and suppose I have been avoiding the breakup thing because he is so good with our daughter and I so wanted the family thing to work.
He recently went behing mt back and spoke to my friend about how much I was drinking and she was shocked! This is not an issue with me I promise but now she is doubting me too.
I feel that he is at his happiest when I am not visiting friends and am looking after our daughter.
I'll definitely have to relook at the siyuation. I'm just afraid to bring the issues up sometimes because I know he will get all angry and [EMAIL="p^$@ed"]p^$@ed[/EMAIL] off!
I keep making excuses for him that he is depressed because of work or lack of, but I guess this is silly of me. I'm also afraid of how he's going to act around other people - is he going to be nice to them or rude?
Ok, I think that's enough said - I kinda just answered my own question

Going to your mate behind your back, to me is a sign that he wants alienate you from your social circle as much as he can, so that you will become dependent on him.

Would it be possible for you and your baby to leave for a while, to see if he will change? The thing is that you would have to do this for a while to make sure he is making the changes. I think if you do something like this you cant go back at the first sign of him changing, you need to take your time and be sure he has changed and it is not an act to make you think he has.

I am not justifying his behavior but maybe he is treating you like this to make himself feel more worthwhile and maybe giving him time alone to reflect on his behavior might open his eyes to what an ass he has been? has this just happened since he lost his job?

I know of guys who loose their jobs and get into a rut that they know they are in and they know they are being behaving out of line but they just cant get themselves out of it until they are given and hard sharp shock. Most usually come around to what an ass they have been and pull up their socks and get on with things and usually end up getting a job or doing a training course, then there are the ones that don't and unfortunately if you BF is one of these you would have to cut him loose.

Anyway Maisy, good luck into what ever decision you make.

Faith

We're only hearing one side of the story here, and I think it's unfair to judge the guy too much. As I see it, he seems to be very concerned about your drinking. He's gone so far as to discuss it with your friend, which indicates to me that he's not trying to control you at all, but that he's just concerned. If you really are drinking too much, chances are that you'll be the last person to realise that.

Has he actually said that he wants you to do more "womanly things" or did he just say that you're out of the house too much? It doesn't really sound to me like he's controlling you tbh. I think you both need to sit down and discuss things.

Wompa1

Woah..ya hold the phone. If your friend is open to the idea that you drink too much then maybe you should look at yourself more closely, these are two people who presumably should know you better than anybody else. Often times your partner would know you even more intimately than friends.

Your OP also smacks of doubt. You keep saying I think...you think or you know? When you talk about these things how do you react? Are you very defensive and closed minded? Do you stay calm and talk things out?

When he says you drink too much, does he drink as much? or as often? Is he being a hypocrite or does he have a point. This doesn't mean to be too judgemental either but do you think it's a good idea to be drinking at all if you are both unemployed and have a young child?..I always think of worst case scenario..if I didn't have savings and something happened with the child..what would you do?

Firetrap

Out of curiosity, how much do you drink?

Maisy Flower

Well I suppose at moset I would have a bottle of wine a week or sometimes maybe 2 but I don't think that's too much considering most people I know open a bottle every night! I'm not trying to justify myself here but i would also like to point out that just because we are both unemployed doesn't mean that we cannot have a drink once in a while - most times a bottle is the cheapest we can get and my daughter is well looked after.

I understand that someone made the comment that he knows me best but I just have a feeling that somthing isn't right. I am also afraid though that I am just very bad with relationships and that maybe I am looking for excuses to break up!
Another made a suggestion about taking a break to see how we get along without each other - I think this is probably the best option?

LegacyUser

Maisy Flower wrote: »

Well I suppose at moset I would have a bottle of wine a week or sometimes maybe 2 but I don't think that's too much considering most people I know open a bottle every night! I'm not trying to justify myself here but i would also like to point out that just because we are both unemployed doesn't mean that we cannot have a drink once in a while - most times a bottle is the cheapest we can get and my daughter is well looked after.

I understand that someone made the comment that he knows me best but I just have a feeling that somthing isn't right. I am also afraid though that I am just very bad with relationships and that maybe I am looking for excuses to break up!
Another made a suggestion about taking a break to see how we get along without each other - I think this is probably the best option?

if you're only having a bottle or two per week then yes, he is trying to control you and also alienate you from your friends.

imo this kind of behavior is abusive.

petebricquette

yesheiscontrolling wrote: »

if you're only having a bottle or two per week then yes, he is trying to control you and also alienate you from your friends.

imo this kind of behavior is abusive.

In fairness, it's a bit unreasonable to say something like that still only knowing one side of the story.

OP, have a serious chat with him and thrash out all of the points you made above. Tell him you think he's being controlling and ask him what makes him think that you're drinking too much.

Floppybits

Maisy Flower wrote: »

Well I suppose at moset I would have a bottle of wine a week or sometimes maybe 2 but I don't think that's too much considering most people I know open a bottle every night! I'm not trying to justify myself here but i would also like to point out that just because we are both unemployed doesn't mean that we cannot have a drink once in a while - most times a bottle is the cheapest we can get and my daughter is well looked after.

I understand that someone made the comment that he knows me best but I just have a feeling that somthing isn't right. I am also afraid though that I am just very bad with relationships and that maybe I am looking for excuses to break up!
Another made a suggestion about taking a break to see how we get along without each other - I think this is probably the best option?

Maisy, how much would your boyfriend drink? Would he drink more or less than you or do you both drink the same?

I don't he can complain about your drinking, if you are drinking the same amount or if he is drinking more. As someone suggested you need to sit down and have a talk with him about his behavior as it is making you uncomfortable in your own home. I think the reason he is behaving like this is that maybe being out of work is affecting him more than it is you, he is probably stewing on things a bit more and is a little bored and little things are starting to irritate him. Where as you being out of work doesn't seem to affect you too much because maybe you are a busy with your daughter. Maybe you could ask him to take on more things to keep himself busy and take his mind of things.

Unfortunately I have seen this and experienced with in my family. One of my siblings is out of work as well and it was affecting him badly and he was taking it out on people around, such as being short with the kids, always giving out about everything and always being down. So much so his wife sat him down and laid everything out to him about the way he was behaving and since then he has changed, he acknowledged what he was doing and has worked hard to change and is now a better person to be around. He is still unemployed but is keeping himself busy between looking for work, doing things around the house and looking after the kids.

I think you need to lay things out to him about way he is behaving, the way this behavior makes you feel and then maybe give him a few days on his own to think about things you have said and after that then sit with him and if nothing has changed then I think you will have your answer on what you need to do but I do think you need to give lay things out and give him a chance, then the ball is in his court.

LegacyUser

If the two of you are drinking a bottle of wine a week, then that's okay.

If it's just you drinking the bottle, then you are drinking too much unless you mean drinking one glass a night. If you mean drinking the whole bottle in one evening, or worse, two bottles, that's way too much.

If one person goes out drinking while the other stays at home minding the child, then fine.

If the person at home drinks a bottle of wine while minding the child, then that is definitely not fine.

Neyite

sybill wrote: »

If the two of you are drinking a bottle of wine a week, then that's okay.

If it's just you drinking the bottle, then you are drinking too much unless you mean drinking one glass a night. If you mean drinking the whole bottle in one evening, or worse, two bottles, that's way too much.

If one person goes out drinking while the other stays at home minding the child, then fine.

If the person at home drinks a bottle of wine while minding the child, then that is definitely not fine.

The OP says that she has at most, a bottle of wine per week, the odd time it might be two per week. thats a small glass per night, would it even be enough to fail a breathalyzer?