Getting over someone you were never under

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

Please bear with me, this is a weird one. I don't quite know how I've managed to get myself into this situation, or rather how I allowed myself to take it/him seriously...but I could do with some advice.

I 'met' a guy online 3+ years ago. When I say 'met', I mean he was on a dating site and messaged me, we took it to MSN, then text, and in a nutshell, that is how the 'relationship' has continued for the past few years. We never met. I lived in Dublin for a while, had the busiest of busy jobs, a few short relationships during that time, while he lived/worked in another county the other side of the country. I guess neither of us ever just bit the bullet, and for the first year the contact was sporadic - a Christmas text, a late night MSN...about 2 years in they became more frequent.

Texting every day, sometimes day-long conversations, over 50 texts, the occasional phone call where we'd chat for hours. I came to view him as a friend or 'text pal' of sorts but there was always lots of innuendo, lots of flirting and chemistry, some sexts. Even when I was seeing someone he was always on my mind, up to the point where I emigrated about a year ago.

I thought that might put an end to contact but if anything it heightened it. He found me on facebook. We never added each other - I think the 'intrigue' and 'mystery' of the whole thing is what kept both of us interested...but messaged over and back every day, from the moment I arrived, up until recently. I definitely fancy the guy, have seen several photos of him and him of me, but three years in, sort of (maybe stupidly) started to think of him as a friend. It's hard sometimes being so far from home, I've learned a tough lesson about friendship by emigrating and have effectively lost what I would have considered to be good friends since leaving, as well as the difficult adjustment in a new country, with new cultural and social norms. It's not been easy, having this guy to talk to has been a comfort quite often.

However, I know he is a player. He's a sporty guy, very fit and good looking and would have no shortage of female attention. I think initially he thought I would be another one night stand, and could tell he had met multiple girls already in this way (he's completely open to me about his sex life) but as we never met, it became something more, a friendship of sorts. Recently, he's been the one to meet someone. He'd talk about her in passing (call her 'Blondie'), say things like 'she's hot as hell but not a smart girl, conversation isn't sparkling...she'll do for the moment.'

At this stage, my feelings are definitely engaged. I've dated since coming over here, had a few short-term flings but can't stop thinking about this guy. We chatted over MSN about 2 weeks ago and the conversation got a bit volatile, I guess I'm struggling with these ridiculous feelings I have for a guy I've never even met, kicking myself for being so stupid, and somewhat took it out on him while we were chatting, with bitchy comments and coldness. As it transpires, he is now developing feelings for this girl, which despite my better judgement and intelligence, somewhat upsets me. I knew it would happen, I mean of COURSE it would at some stage right? But what freaks me out is I think in some way I've been holding out for him.

I KNOW how ridiculous this whole situation is, I'm usually the one doling out the advice and would know exactly what to say if this was someone else...but I'm just tied up in knots about this and maybe the sense of isolation you can feel being abroad is making things worse. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this - I haven't told any of my friends the full story because I know how fukcing NUTS it sounds, but I feel as though the feelings I have developed for this guy have held me back in ways for the past few years and I NEED desperately to move on.

I've a feeling he plans to cut me out. The last message I sent to him was a few days ago and it got no response, which is untypical of him. I think he thinks I've 'changed' (he always saw me as being bright and breezy, a very positive person) and I guess when I really think about it, he'd be doing me a favour if that's the case. We had planned to meet up in August when I'm home next, I doubt that will happen at any rate but I need to cop myself on. I can't live like this! Even when we're in contact, every moment at work/home/where-ever is just living in anticipation of his next message. It's fukcing pathetic and I need to stop.

I'm just wondering, as daft as this whole scenario is, has anyone else ever been through this? I'm generally quite a smart person, quite copped on and common sense and I'm just so angry at how I've belittled myself in this way. I know it must stem from deeper issues (I'm very cynical romantically and probably a bit distrustful of men/relationships) but now is the time to cut the crap and treat myself with a bit more respect. Any insight of advice would be a massive help. Sorry for the length of this!

seenitall

Hi OP,

your post is quite funny, in a good way. You read as a very intelligent and clue-in girl who, unbeknownst to herself, has this "problem" long figured out, essentially. Reading your post is like seing 2 sides of the same person battling it out with each other in real time; your very last paragraph is especially telling of your actually quite sensible and grounded state of mind. There are times when it is in our best interests that "head" wins over "heart", and this, as you well know, is one of them.

Best wishes!

LegacyUser

i'm actually in that situation now. he's very nice to me but tells me in no uncertain terms that he doesn't love me. don't have any other options as i'm not an attractive woman, so i deal with the waiting on texts and looking forward to any tidbits of affection he does send my way.

i know he probably has other "online friends", most of his facebook friends are other women that he only knows from online, and he has two profiles, one for his real life and one for flirting with women, probably.

it's pathetic really. i should be ashamed. i don't even know why i'm saying all this except to tell you that no, you're really not the only person who knows she really should get over someone she was never under to begin with.

IrishEyes19

Hi, OP. Seenitall, is right, you are smart and obviously intelligent and regardless of what his relationship with this new girl is, would you really like a partner who refers to women as blondie, and hot, and "she'll do for now,"
I dont think you would. I know I cant speak for you, but Id cut this man out of your life and move on. The truth is, he has no respect for you or any women by the sounds of it and I think you would be very hurt by the way he speaks and treats women. I know its hard but just cut contact, its a sharper blow to his ego, than sending him messages and fuelling it. Im sure he feels right now he has the world at his feet, but dont allow him to control your life. This idiot shouldnt have this hold over you. I think you deserve better. So for your own good, cut contact and try to move on. Theres tons of decent guys out there. I dont think from your account that he is one of them. All the best

Motley Crue

I would just delete him from MSN and as hard as it may be concentrate on your new life in another country

Where are you living out of interest? I emigrated a few years ago and have found similar problems in regards to making new friends and generally keeping in with old ones.

Distorted

sillysadness wrote: »

He'd talk about her in passing (call her 'Blondie'), say things like 'she's hot as hell but not a smart girl, conversation isn't sparkling...she'll do for the moment.'

Chances are, if you met him, you'd think he was a bit of a prat. That is quite a prattish thing to say. He might also not be as good looking as you think, but simply have picked out some good photographs.

What I'm saying is that you have got a very idealised image of him, which he has carefully controlled. He also seems to play several roles in your life, which has made you more dependent on him.

You might want to work on your own self esteem because no-one who truly valued themselves would put so much dependence on a guy like this that they've never even met. You have a whole new life full of great opportunties (which sounds more than Mr Internet has), and perhaps you are afraid of embracing it fully?

I'm also surprised that, since you are intelligent and adventurous enough to go abroad to work on your own, that you didn't just go and visit him when you lived in the same country! Also pretty aghast that if you really believe he valued your friendship, he couldn't get himself from one place to another in the same country in all the years this has been going on!

I echo the advice to cease contact. However I suspect he is a narcisstic one, and I can bet that when you do he will be back msn-ing you, being all nice and pleading to get him back. All I can say is that one day you will see right through him!

Gads, this sort of thread just confirms my wariness of guys (and girls) who spend so much of their free time contacting virtual strangers on msn.

metrovelvet

^Exactly!

If he does all this crap on line Im guessing he is an internet narcissist. He has an endless supply of sources [girls] to get his feedback from.

He can remain anonymous, he can tell and show you only what he wants to. He can control all the communications. And its ideal. A person in front of you demands attention. Online you can do what you want, when you want.

And the other thing is you can read into it what you want to read into it. You can imagine what you want to imagine. So its easy to be in your shoes OP, happens all the time. Dont blame yourself, but be smart now and cut off the serpant's head. He could be married, he could be anyone.

Miss Fluff

I echo the sentiments re you being an intelligent and witty girl. You obviously have enough self-awareness to know that you're not benefiting in any way from this "arrangement". In fact it's obvious that your dependency on his contact is actually stopping you from really throwing yourself into your new life. Don't waste any more time on him.

As harsh as it may seem I'd just rip the plaster off if I were you. Delete him/block him and adhere to that strictly. You will actually amaze yourself how quickly he no longer features in your thoughts when you no longer give him the licence to do so. You are entirely in control of this situation now and in some respects the mistress of your own destiny. If he hasn't pushed for meeting you in three entire years then he won't.

Don't waste your fabulousness any more on him. If you dedicate the time and energy you would have spent with him on MSN etc etc to actual pursuits and building a new "real" life then you will be all the richer for it.

LegacyUser

I can't express how much all these posts have helped me. It's all stuff I knew already, but as everyone knows...head and heart stuff can be tricky. I seemed mentally incapable of giving myself the kick up the aRse that I needed.

It gave me such a boost yesterday to read all of these and I started the elimination process straight away. Blocked him on facebook, deleted from MSN, deleted from both my phones and got rid of all the messages he's sent over the past year. It took a while! He's like a bad habit that I have to shake though and I know I'll be looking out for the next while, waiting for him to make contact. In the past I wouldn't hear from him for months sometimes and then up he pops on my phone...and I hope to Jesus I manage to ignore him these times, the whole situation is just becoming more and more toxic to me and I'm seeing this a bit clearer now. But even though I'm smart, I can be very stupid too, if that makes any sense. I wouldn't be in this situation otherwise.

When I was scrolling through my phone last night I was sort of alarmed at all the messages. He's so emotionally inconsistent...one day he's saying 'I could be very soft in public with you', then 'we'll never be any more than sexual releases for each other', then 'I can't get you out of my head, this is chemistry like I've never felt', then a sext, then an abrupt, disinterested message, then back to something lovey-dovey...I mean looking at it objectively, this seems like a batsh1t crazy guy. And then I remember the kick I'd get in that unpredictability...the ego boosts and the always-guessing and reading into things and taking my own meaning from them. There's obviously something fukced up in me that would facilitate that sort of hot-and-coldness and that really worries me. I obviously have a bit of work to do on myself.

I feel a bit sad that I obviously deep down seem to think this is all I'm worth. I've been pretty unlucky romantically and I think maybe in some way I projected all my wants and needs onto him, him being the somewhat safer option as we never actually met face to face. It became sort of easier to read more into it and I always had him, or at least the IDEA of him, to fall back on, whenever my real-life love life went to sh1t. I think really it's that idea of him and what he represented, rather than the texts and messages, that is going to be hard to let go of. I just can't believe how naive I've been and how much time I've wasted. I really thought I was better and bigger than this.

Anyway. Lesson learned, hopefully. And for what it's worth, he was always pressing for us to meet. I can think of four times that he invited me down to spend the weekend with him, two times I was dating someone else, another time I had work commitments and the last time I was just about to emigrate. I think maybe I always knew ultimately he just saw me as an exciting shag and nothing else though, maybe that's why I actively avoided it. God what a mess. Onwards and upwards eh?

metrovelvet

Listen, dont beat yourself up. The internet is choc a bloc with fraudsters. At least you didnt let him into your real life. It could have been a lot worse. Something in you stopped a meeting from ever happenning, so deep down your instincts were still intact.

You just have to ask yourself what this three years did for you? Was it procrastination from something else? A bit of escapism that let you into something deeper you werent bargaining for? Avoidance of something in real life? Attention? Enjoying the fantasy of this man? Just so you dont fall into this trap again.

MissOphelia

Hi OP

Both metrovelvet and sunflower have hit the nail on the head in their comments. This idiot has become an addiction for you plain and simple, like any bad habit you have to kick it hard in the butt. So much of your time and energy was going into this fantasy relationship.

Inform yourself as much as you can re personality disorders narcissist, sociopaths. The internet is paradise for these people who use and abuse. Yes he needs the ego boost and validation you've been giving him and you have needed a confidante and attention from him.

I met someone from a dating site and it was the unluckiest day of my life. After taking his c*ap on and off for two years I managed to give him the heave ho just after Christmas. He is a total womaniser with several profiles on dating sites, all active during our relationship. Texting and e-mailing dozens of women and sabotaging things between us when things got too intense for him.

Looking back the lies he told me were actually laughable but I had fallen for him and turned a blind eye. I thrived on the drama he provided. Unfortunately if you're a bit vulnerable these people have a knack of homing in on that and using it to their advantage.

It has taken iron will and a lot of research into educating myself about these charming narcissists who mess with your head and your life for me to come to terms with all that happened.
Never again now that I know the signs to watch out for.

Try really hard to break this habit, he will try to lure you back when he has a falling out with "Blondie" and needs someone to help him play the victim and give him some sympathy.

Best of luck
x

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I just had to respond to your post. Went through something similar last year. I like you would consider myself, smart and attractive and also unlucky in love. Have similar issues with respect to men and had a similar situation to the one you describe. Just to say cutting off contact while it absolutely the best way to go but at times can be hard. Be kind to yourself if you have setbacks. This whole process is like kicking an addiction as other posters have said (addiction to emotional pain,etc). At first I felt great about the no contact but sad as it sounds went through a whole grieving process for the emotional loss I felt. Anytime I had a bad day or was lonely I found myself reliving the drama in my head. For a while I actually felt really depressed. My head could make sense of it all but emotionally I found it hard to let go.

I certainly learnt a lot from the whole situation. There is a reason we get hooked into these unhealthy relationships and its all to do with us. What we expect for ourselves, the roles we are acting out from childhood etc.

It does get better but don't feel bad if you feel empty or depressed for a while. For whatever reason you had an emotional connection with this person and while our head can be practical our emotions never are. Be strong and learn from this and don't judge yourself harshly.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your support guys.

Feelyourpain - your post has really helped me. I feel a bit sh1t right now to be honest. I had an initial adrenaline buzz at the cutting-contact, but now it's fully hitting home how ingrained this guy is in my head. My daily routines seemed to revolve around the contact and now that it's stopped I'm beginning to feel as you described - empty and depressed. I miss it. I miss him.

I've a feeling this is going to be a lot harder than I first thought. I'm so tempted to message him and I think the only thing that's stopping me is the fact that he never responded to my last message. As pathetic and desperate as this sounds, I feel like I have nothing/no-one to occupy my thoughts now and I feel like, despite his obvious egocentric tendencies and disrespect for women, he's not a bad guy. I think he just took the whole thing in a lot more jest than I did.

Anyway. I suppose my only option is to hang in there. Hopefully in time I'll get a bit of personal perspective on what purpose this whole scenario served for me and what I need to do to improve my self-esteem and attitude towards relationships. Thanks again to everyone. I honestly would've continued with this contact for years if I hadn't posted on here!x

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I am sorry you feel empty and depressed. When people advise to cut off contact they sometimes forget the part about how painful it can be. You have to go through the whole grieving process for the loss of the emotional connection. The positive side is that if you get out now you will save yourself more heartache down the line so it really is a better option. I guess for me I figured out for myself that I projected so much onto this man because I was lonely and afraid of real intimacy. the contact made me feel like I was getting attention and I got a real buzz waiting for the next move. I convinced myself that I was getting on with my life but in reality I was putting myself on hold waiting for the next contact. Writing now it all seems rather pathetic but at the time I was so hooked in.

Anyway when it came to the crunch this man did not have my best interests at heart at all. Lots of other women etc. I felt great for a day or two cutting off contact but then the emptiness and depression that came was so hard. I guess when in contact I was consumed with thoughts of him and the next contact, full of anticipation. I fought really hard not to contact him and thankfully pride prevented me. I does get easier but my advice to you would be just to accept the pain and emptiness as best you can and know that it will go away though at the time I never thought I would ever feel normal again. Don't beat yourself up for wanting to contact him or missing him or for feeling like ****.

Do take a good look at yourself and figure out what is going on for you right now? Why did you get so attached to this person? Did they fill a void a need a lack? If you take whatever lessons you can from this and move on that will really benefit you in the future.

Don't go back there now you are just postponing the inevitable pain and hurt that will come your way. Post here if you need support! I hope it helps that I understand how awful your situation is. Like you I felt so stupid telling people that I kept it to myself and struggled alone and it was hard. I am proof that it does get better and easier.

IrishEyes19

feelyourpain wrote: »

Hi OP,

I am sorry you feel empty and depressed. When people advise to cut off contact they sometimes forget the part about how painful it can be. You have to go through the whole grieving process for the loss of the emotional connection. The positive side is that if you get out now you will save yourself more heartache down the line so it really is a better option. I guess for me I figured out for myself that I projected so much onto this man because I was lonely and afraid of real intimacy. the contact made me feel like I was getting attention and I got a real buzz waiting for the next move. I convinced myself that I was getting on with my life but in reality I was putting myself on hold waiting for the next contact. Writing now it all seems rather pathetic but at the time I was so hooked in.

Anyway when it came to the crunch this man did not have my best interests at heart at all. Lots of other women etc. I felt great for a day or two cutting off contact but then the emptiness and depression that came was so hard. I guess when in contact I was consumed with thoughts of him and the next contact, full of anticipation. I fought really hard not to contact him and thankfully pride prevented me. I does get easier but my advice to you would be just to accept the pain and emptiness as best you can and know that it will go away though at the time I never thought I would ever feel normal again. Don't beat yourself up for wanting to contact him or missing him or for feeling like ****.

Do take a good look at yourself and figure out what is going on for you right now? Why did you get so attached to this person? Did they fill a void a need a lack? If you take whatever lessons you can from this and move on that will really benefit you in the future.

Don't go back there now you are just postponing the inevitable pain and hurt that will come your way. Post here if you need support! I hope it helps that I understand how awful your situation is. Like you I felt so stupid telling people that I kept it to myself and struggled alone and it was hard. I am proof that it does get better and easier.

I agree with this, cutting contact is awful, but it's like a plaster on the wound. Sure you can keep the plaster on the cut, but eventually it has to come off, regardless of the pain. Cutting contact is along the same lines. Hurts like crazy, but the pain subsides, and you do start healing. Keeping contact keeps hope up, believing they will change when they wont. Cutting contact brings some reality into the situation

LegacyUser

Well, he texted. Shocker!

I got a 'hey sexy!' late on Saturday night. It actually infuriated me as it's so typical of him, feeding me measly scraps of attention and expecting me to bite. It didn't even cross my mind to reply, aside from the fact that I've decided to move on, what's the point in replying to such a lazy, half-arsed message? On top of that my pride is preventing me, I don't want to give him the satisfaction...which I know probably isn't the right reason but I figure anything that works right now is a good thing.

I feel incredibly lonely as a result of this and a few other things that are going on in my life as well. I think the rapport that I had with him was distracting me from a lot of changes that have happened recently and now all of a sudden I don't have him as a distraction. I had a lot of friends and a good social life back in Dublin and emigrating has effectively wiped out a lot of these friendships. Some just haven't bothered to keep up contact and a few other close friends I've lost through ridiculous disagreements and misunderstandings since coming over. I moved in with one of my best friends over here and it's been disastrous, we've clashed in a way that I never could have pre-empted despite knowing she was difficult to live with. The friendship is on its last legs really and my home life is tense to say the least and I haven't really made any new friends since arriving.

I could probably get about five PI threads going with all the issues I have right now! But needless to say, I think this guy was serving as a sort of band-aid for all of the crap that has happened, both recently and in the past three years, and thinking of him as a 'friend' of sorts gave me a reason to keep up the contact. He was a friend when other friends disappeared, and although in reality he probably wasn't...that's the way it went in my head. He was a 'friend' and he was always great for the titillating, butterfly-inducing texts that made me think he could be something more.

I suppose it's about time I got my life in order. I'm abroad nearly a year now and don't feel as though my life over here has actually started yet. All I've done is work, work, work and reminisced about my life back home. It's time I got my sh1t together I think!

Thanks again for all the advice and for allowing me this outlet. This is the only place really that I have to sift through all the crap that's going through my head and I think I'd be a mess without it tbh.

IrishEyes19

sillysadness wrote: »

Well, he texted. Shocker!

I got a 'hey sexy!' late on Saturday night. It actually infuriated me as it's so typical of him, feeding me measly scraps of attention and expecting me to bite. It didn't even cross my mind to reply, aside from the fact that I've decided to move on, what's the point in replying to such a lazy, half-arsed message? On top of that my pride is preventing me, I don't want to give him the satisfaction...which I know probably isn't the right reason but I figure anything that works right now is a good thing.

I feel incredibly lonely as a result of this and a few other things that are going on in my life as well. I think the rapport that I had with him was distracting me from a lot of changes that have happened recently and now all of a sudden I don't have him as a distraction. I had a lot of friends and a good social life back in Dublin and emigrating has effectively wiped out a lot of these friendships. Some just haven't bothered to keep up contact and a few other close friends I've lost through ridiculous disagreements and misunderstandings since coming over. I moved in with one of my best friends over here and it's been disastrous, we've clashed in a way that I never could have pre-empted despite knowing she was difficult to live with. The friendship is on its last legs really and my home life is tense to say the least and I haven't really made any new friends since arriving.

I could probably get about five PI threads going with all the issues I have right now! But needless to say, I think this guy was serving as a sort of band-aid for all of the crap that has happened, both recently and in the past three years, and thinking of him as a 'friend' of sorts gave me a reason to keep up the contact. He was a friend when other friends disappeared, and although in reality he probably wasn't...that's the way it went in my head. He was a 'friend' and he was always great for the titillating, butterfly-inducing texts that made me think he could be something more.

I suppose it's about time I got my life in order. I'm abroad nearly a year now and don't feel as though my life over here has actually started yet. All I've done is work, work, work and reminisced about my life back home. It's time I got my sh1t together I think!

Thanks again for all the advice and for allowing me this outlet. This is the only place really that I have to sift through all the crap that's going through my head and I think I'd be a mess without it tbh.

Well first congratulations for not replying. I really hope you keep it up. See it like this, your pride and dignity will remain in-tact, his pride on the other hand is taking a steep slide downwards after he realises you aren't his fall back and never were. Hopefully now this is the start for you to get back on track and get back to hopefully a happy place before this idiot ever came into your life. Best of luck!!!

Miss Fluff

sillysadness wrote: »

I feel incredibly lonely as a result of this and a few other things that are going on in my life as well. I think the rapport that I had with him was distracting me from a lot of changes that have happened recently and now all of a sudden I don't have him as a distraction. I had a lot of friends and a good social life back in Dublin and emigrating has effectively wiped out a lot of these friendships.

Is there anything specifically stopping you from moving back to Dublin? You've been in your new location a year now and it would seem you haven't made any inroads with settling in. Have you a life to return to in Ireland.

Re him texting. All I can say is that is CLASSIC TEXTBOOK gob****e behaviour. Their predictability is laughable (and slightly pathetic). I hope you've deleted the text. A prime example of him distributing a few measly morsels to you to keep you interested. Bullet dodged hon, be glad you've finally seen the light!

metrovelvet

Next time he texts you text back 'For some dirty talk call me at..[fill in number of your local Garda station.]

firsttime_tat

Hi OP,
Was in the exact same situation, met this guy on holidays, kept contact when i came home talked every day for 6 months! never thought I would be so dumb, i started to really fall for him and things he said to me made me think he felt the same.I even went over to england to visit him and we got on so so well it was unbelievable!Kept in contant then he started to get really distant, Anyway text phonecalls and emails started to get less and less and by then i could tell he was messing me around so i deciced to cut him off was so so hard and just when i was starting to get over him he would ring and tell me all this bull**** and id be drawn back in!Then he started to get distant again and one day he was gone havent heard from him since. It was absoutly horrendous when you are so used to talking someone every day and then there gone!!!but you will be ok its been a few months now and i rarely ever think of him. When i look back now i know he was just a player and not that intersted said he would visit me blah blah all lies. I know my friends didnt understand how upset i was it was a weird situation to be i suppose!I think a lot of it has to do with wanting this fairytale, they seem so perfect because your not with them enough and you think if you were it would be perfect!!When in reality there probarly assholes!:) Anyway hope your ok and it will get better every day you will think of him less and less. It is hard but youll get there!!:):)