Telling boyfriend I'm bi

LegacyUser

Ok, I had this thread over in PI but it turned into an After Hours style thread so I came here instead!

Bascially just accepted myself to be bisexual. Not afraid of it or anything. Been with my boyfriend a few months, I'm crazily in love with him.

Question is do I tell him? Not planning on cheating, not planning threesomes. I plan on staying with him. I can hold out these desires because I do love my boyfriend.

Any advice?

ztoical

Shame the thread became a train wreck on PI but it does reflect sadly the general attitude towards bisexuals and something you will have to think about if you say something to your OH.

Being Bi myself I'm all for people being open about it in a perfect world but the world isn't really black and white and while holding the view point of honesty in a relationship is great the reality isn't always so clear. I don't say to new partners "I'm bisexual" I tell them I've had relationships with both genders in the past. I think it's something they need to know as it's part of my history but with the here and now I'm with them and it doesn't matter if I like girls or boys or both as right now I like them.

I'll give the same thoughts I gave on that thread and ask what impact it will have on the relationship if anything? Your view was you weren't being honest if you didn't tell him but as you stated yourself in the other thread you haven't had any relationships to date with women so what will you be telling him? How does being bi effect you as a person at this stage of your life? You say you've just accepted so that assumes you've come to accept it while in a relationship with your current BF - look at it from his view if you say your attracted to both genders to him now he may ask why you've come to this conculsion while in a relationship with him ie is your relationship with him somehow lacking.

I don't want to sound dimissive to your feelings but there is a chance he is going to ask if you've been with women and when you say no he will either be dismissive and say it's all in your head or become fixated on the thought that you want to be with a woman and that's why your telling him. Only you know your partner so no one here can say for sure how they will react - it may mean nothing to them, it may be something they want to explore more then you - how would you feel if your BF saw this as a reason to invite another women into your relationships? - they may be very childish and drive you mad when your out going 'do you fancy her?' [have had that with one guy, got old very quickly]

baby and crumble

Hey there, I answered over in PI and then watched as it went up in flames, such ridiculous answers over there! Usually it's vaguely sensible, but... many many facepalms do not do it justice!

Anyway, I'll just reiterate briefly what I said over there- your BF might be weirded out by it, and yes, he probably will go through a phase of being incredibly insecure. I know I did with my partner who is bi. But she just refused to deny who she was, she made sure I knew she thought I was the bees knees and while she enjoyed perusing the menu, she wasn't going to go off on binges behind my back! Luckily we both have wandering eyes, but that's ALL that goes wandering...

But in my opinion the bottom line here is that to keep such an important part of yourself from the man you love will not end well. You know this. And I know you know this.

But a small caveat- you do need to be ready, like ztoical said, for the multitude of questions that will most likely come. Depending on your bf they could range from "do you want a threesome then? awesome!!" to "is it me?" to "no way, I can't handle this!!!" (which isn't a question, I know, but your BF might decide that he can't be with someone who's bisexual. You saw the responses on PI, a lot of people have very bizarre notions about bisexuality, and what it means. He just might not want to deal with it.)

diddlybit

Hey there. Sprry about the thread in PI, it was a car-wreck.

Zoegh and Ztocial have given you two really great responses and I can't really add any more to that. Just be prepared to answer plenty of questions if your boyfreind doesn't much about it. Some common questions are answered here if you want to have a raed.

http://www.lanikaahumanu.com/biqa.pdf

Good luck with it. Hope it all goes well for you.

Asphyxia

I think it is best you tell him, I chose not to tell my boyfriend when we first got together and we ended up bumping into my ex girlfriend in town. When she introduced herself as my ex he was a bit thrown but after a chat he said it was weird because I didn't tell him I was bi rather than the fact I was bi.

easychair

Ok! wrote: »

Ok, I had this thread over in PI but it turned into an After Hours style thread so I came here instead!

Bascially just accepted myself to be bisexual. Not afraid of it or anything. Been with my boyfriend a few months, I'm crazily in love with him.

Question is do I tell him? Not planning on cheating, not planning threesomes. I plan on staying with him. I can hold out these desires because I do love my boyfriend.

Any advice?

What makes you afraid of telling your boyfriend?

Killer_banana

You should tell him. I can understand your uncertainty but if you don't tell him and he finds out he mightn't understand why you didn't tell him and think you were planning on cheating with a woman or something.

Also if he's the kind of guy who can't accept one tiny part of the person you are even though it won't change anything about the two of you as a couple he isn't worth your time. I'm talking about someone who doesn't understand bisexuality, I mean someone who downright refuses to even try to understand.

Tito Ortiz

Ok! wrote: »

Ok, I had this thread over in PI but it turned into an After Hours style thread so I came here instead!

Bascially just accepted myself to be bisexual. Not afraid of it or anything. Been with my boyfriend a few months, I'm crazily in love with him.

Question is do I tell him? Not planning on cheating, not planning threesomes. I plan on staying with him. I can hold out these desires because I do love my boyfriend.

Any advice?

Coming from a male point here my Gf is bi and I'm glad she told me.I always kinda knew, catching her looking at girls etc before she told me.I find it cool we can talk about women we fancy together and neither are insecure about it.I would agree with the other posts in that you should tell him!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the help guys. Seems I should tell him. I'm just scared ****less about it incase he reacts badly and doesn't think hes good enough for me (which he is). I am besotted with him and do genuinely love him.

I'm not the type of girl people expect to be bi (pretty, always has guys chasing her and very very girly) so it'll come as a shock to my friends as well =/

I've known for a while I've been bisexual, just couldn't come to terms with it. Fear kept blocking it out of my head. When I'm with him boyfriend I cant think of anyone else but him. Just when he's not around it pops back into my head in bits and bobs.

I suppose he's taught me not to be afraid and be who I am. So I've fully accepted who I am. I just want him to know incase he does catch me checking girls out etc. I'm just scared about telling him incase he runs scared. He means the world to me and I dont wanna loose him. I just need to be honest with him.

I just need someone to tell me it'll be ok when I do tell him and that he wont run and dump me.

Sorry about the long warbling post ha.

A shame that some of the posters on PI can let their quality reach such a low. There are benefits and down sides to public access person issues forums, especially when anonymous posting is possible. Such things will always draw out the worst in some people.

I can imagine that their reactions confused you more too, as you would likely hate to think now that this is how your boyfriend might react too when presented with the same information.

Thankfully most guys are better than that, and I would be on the side of people thinking you should tell him about it. It is something that makes you you and I know I want to know how my girls tick.

I am in a relationship with two girls at the moment. Girls who were no bi before and probably still are not now… except when it comes to each other. They were very nervous about how to tell each other and me that they were developing feelings not just for me, but each other….

Since they did however the relationship it started is going strong and we made a promise amongst us that if we do anything for our relationship then top of that list will always be honesty. It is almost a religion for us to be honest in every way we can. We are the better for it and I would like to think you would be too if you went down that route.

Of course anything else you need in the way of advice or questions just ask. There are always those of us on here with experiences that mean we might just have some helpful advice lying around.

Morag

PI posters are a cross section of the site and you never know what type responses you will get, unfortunately boards.ie more and more is a correlation of Irish main stream society and you will get all the same bigotry and ignorance showing up from time to time.
I know I was stunned at the 'advice' of shut up and say nothing, it was clearly from people who are very un informed.

As I said before, first opportunity talk to him about it. I know most people will assume that if you are with a guy or a girl you are gay or straight and the other notion doesn't occur to many people but the sooner you talk about it with him the better.

But you have to be prepared for a heap of questions and try and not take them personally, you may not get the reassurance you want right away, it may take him a bit of time to get his head around it and have a think.

easychair

OK! wrote: »

I just need someone to tell me it'll be ok when I do tell him and that he wont run and dump me.

No one can tell you that because no one here knows whether he will do that , or not.

Do you enjoy the drama of it all, I wonder? You've had a long time to think about this, and yet you are still asking for the opinions of strangers who don't know you or your bf. You've had lots of advice here, but seem to be ignoring it and trying to prolong the drama. Will another 6 ot 10 conflicting opinions be of any further use to you?

diddlybit

easychair wrote: »

Do you enjoy the drama of it all, I wonder? You've had a long time to think about this, and yet you are still asking for the opinions of strangers who don't know you or your bf. You've had lots of advice here, but seem to be ignoring it and trying to prolong the drama. Will another 6 ot 10 conflicting opinions be of any further use to you?

I think that's a little unfair. She obviously worried about this and seeking the opinions of people is, in myopinion, a sensible thing to do. It's not "drama", it's real life and it's a complicated issue. The conflicting opinions came from PI where people didn't understand what bisexuality is. As far as I can see, the consenus is that she should talk to him and prepare herself for questions.

I suppose he's taught me not to be afraid and be who I am. So I've fully accepted who I am. I just want him to know incase he does catch me checking girls out etc. I'm just scared about telling him incase he runs scared. He means the world to me and I dont wanna loose him. I just need to be honest with him.

I just need someone to tell me it'll be ok when I do tell him and that he wont run and dump me.

Unfortunately we don't know what is going to happen, but you are the best judge of what type of person your boyfriend is and best in the position to hypothesise on his possible reaction. But if, as you've said "taught me not to be afraid and be who I am", which is the only clue we have in regards to his personality, that sounds like a good guy. It's admirable that you want to be honest with even if it means taking a risk.

I wish you all the best and hope it works out for you.

stephen_n

Not sure if it would be as big an issue for a guy but really depends on your BF and how secure he is in himself. My last two relationships prior to my current one ended as a direct result of me admitting I was bi and in both cases they could not handle that, even though I was completely monogamous that was irrelevant they both felt they could not compete with me fancying men as if there is some competition there. I don't get it but the lesson I have learned is that I am not going to be forthcoming with that information anytime soon in my current relationship. Even though or maybe because of the fact my GF knows I play for the warriors and have lots of gay friends. I know that it doesn't say much about my faith in the relationship or my GF but that's not really the case it's just a case of twice bitten and cautious...

LegacyUser

Ok, @easy chair...you have no right to judge me or say ''I like the drama'' because you dont know me. I just wanted advice because I was scared and total strangers can give better advice than the people that I know. I was scared and felt alone and had it all hyped up in my head that he was going to run from me. Not a nice feeling to have. Try being in my shoes and you may understand where I'm coming from.

On other news I told him last night. It got too unbearable for me to keep in any longer and I led him up to it and told him. He was great about it and loved that I could trust him enough and thought it was cool as well. Couldnt have asked for a better reaction. He just told me to be who I am and he loved me for it. Calmest reaction I've ever had.

So thanks for the advice guys Really appreciated it. I'll be back soon under my actual username so watch out haha

Peace out and good luck

rainbow kirby

Ok! wrote: »

On other news I told him last night. It got too unbearable for me to keep in any longer and I led him up to it and told him. He was great about it and loved that I could trust him enough and thought it was cool as well. Couldnt have asked for a better reaction. He just told me to be who I am and he loved me for it. Calmest reaction I've ever had.

Delighted to hear that.

baby and crumble

Yay happy ending!

diddlybit

Woo-hoo! Delighted for you.

easychair

Ok! wrote: »

Ok, @easy chair...you have no right to judge me or say ''I like the drama'' because you dont know me.

Actually, what you are asking for here are judgements from others! ( I hesitate to point out that you are judging that I am judging you :-)). Wondering if you enjoy the drama is not the same thing as judging that you do, or might.

I can't help noticing that you've already discussed it with real friends who know you and probably also know your boyfriend. I'm wondering what was the result of your discussions with your real friends who know you and your bf?

Meesared

I think the way you phrased it initially was quite poor, in that case as the way you put it was quite condescending IMO

diddlybit

easychair wrote: »

Actually, what you are asking for here are judgements from others! ( I hesitate to point out that you are judging that I am judging you :-)). Wondering if you enjoy the drama is not the same thing as judging that you do, or might.

I can't help noticing that you've already discussed it with real friends who know you and probably also know your boyfriend. I'm wondering what was the result of your discussions with your real friends who know you and your bf?

Easychair, it's over. Happy ending. Her boyfriend's a great guy and she's happy. End scene.

Morag

honestly they came for help and advice not for people who can't be arsed giving either to post snarky posts.

easychair

diddlybit wrote: »

Easychair, it's over. Happy ending. Her boyfriend's a great guy and she's happy. End scene.

Thats great news alright. I'm still allowed to point out the irony of the op judging that I was judging her!

Sometimes I think, in a relationship, the only thing we really have is honesty, and usually being honest about ones feelings, (not necessarily ones actions) should be easy with our partners.

diddlybit

Sorry Easychair. My lasy comment was a little snotty. Apologies.

You are right, the most important thing is to be honest with our partners, family members and friends. Unfortunately, when discussing sexuality, many people have pre-conceived notions of what LGBT identities are that are informed by media sterotypes, prejudices and homogenous caricatures. The OP was right to be worried, if the only idea of bisexuality her boyfriend had been exposed to was popular assumptions of bisexuality, she would assuem she was promiscous, into group sex and adulterous.

The thread in PI wouldn't have alleviated any worries she had, I've never seen such bile and misconceptions spouted about bisexuality in a long time.

xxtattyberxx

Thats great that you told him and he took it so well
Im delighted my fella knows but at the same time I cant remember the conversation or how it came up, think there is no option but to tell and be honest bout it, if the shoe was on the other foot Id be wanting to know

easychair

diddlybit wrote: »

Sorry Easychair. My lasy comment was a little snotty. Apologies.

You are right, the most important thing is to be honest with our partners, family members and friends. Unfortunately, when discussing sexuality, many people have pre-conceived notions of what LGBT identities are that are informed by media sterotypes, prejudices and homogenous caricatures. The OP was right to be worried, if the only idea of bisexuality her boyfriend had been exposed to was popular assumptions of bisexuality, she would assuem she was promiscous, into group sex and adulterous.

The thread in PI wouldn't have alleviated any worries she had, I've never seen such bile and misconceptions spouted about bisexuality in a long time.

Really, I an not a shrinking violet and there is no need to apologise.

I have sometimes noticed, myself, that intolerance towards bi-sexual people seems all too often to come from gay people. Funnily enough, I think everyone is entitled to be intolerant, if thats what they genuinely think, but all too often it comes across in an ugly and bitter, when I think its find to be "intolerant" if one is intolerant in a tolerant fashion.

crofty28

Well done guest on overcoming your fears & telling your BF! Secondly, if you can't ask 4 advice on Boards... where can u ask 4 advice.. that's wat its here 4!! Fair play 2 ya & best of luck in ur future

yawha

It's great that he's cool with it, but I'm curious as to why it was necessary to explicitly reveal this fact to him...

Like, if I had a gf with green eyes and black hair, I wouldn't sit her down and tell her I was also attracted to girls with blue eyes and blonde hair.

I wouldn't say that one should shy away from revealing something like this to a partner if the subject happened to come up, but I don't really see the need for an explicit coming out to them. It's not really directly relevant to the current relationship...

easychair

yawha wrote: »

It's great that he's cool with it, but I'm curious as to why it was necessary to explicitly reveal this fact to him...

Like, if I had a gf with green eyes and black hair, I wouldn't sit her down and tell her I was also attracted to girls with blue eyes and blonde hair.

I wouldn't say that one should shy away from revealing something like this to a partner if the subject happened to come up, but I don't really see the need for an explicit coming out to them. It's not really directly relevant to the current relationship...

I can't disagree more with this post, as it implies that it's ok to be dishonest with ones partner. Dishonesty in the long run is not going to strengthen a relationship and help it grow, and is likely to do the opposite. Why are you so afraid of being honest?

yawha

easychair wrote: »

I can't disagree more with this post, as it implies that it's ok to be dishonest with ones partner. Dishonesty in the long run is not going to strengthen a relationship and help it grow, and is likely to do the opposite. Why are you so afraid of being honest?

Where'd I say to be dishonest? All I said was I don't understand why it's something that needs to be revealed explicitly...

If a partner happened to tell me she was attracted to girls as part of a natural conversation along those lines, I'd be cool with it. If she sat me down and out of the blue told me, I'd be a bit weirded out, as I would be if she told me she was attracted to a different type of guy to me.

easychair

yawha wrote: »

Where'd I say to be dishonest? .

I said you implied it, and never claimed you said it.

baby and crumble

yawha wrote: »

Where'd I say to be dishonest? All I said was I don't understand why it's something that needs to be revealed explicitly...

If a partner happened to tell me she was attracted to girls as part of a natural conversation along those lines, I'd be cool with it. If she sat me down and out of the blue told me, I'd be a bit weirded out, as I would be if she told me she was attracted to a different type of guy to me.

TBH (and this is going to sound annoyingly superior, I don't mean it to) but unless you're gay or bi I don't think there's much of an understanding as to how much your sexuality impacts on who you are as a person, who you identify as being. It's a bit insulting to compare fancying someone with different coloured eyes as to fancying your own gender. it's a bit more complex than that.

Like I've said in manys the thread before, my GF is bisexual, and I knew that from the start. I respect the side of her that is attracted to men. I don't understand it, but I respect it, and it is part of who she is. I think for something huge like that, that does make a difference to how you see yourself in the world, I think you have to be honest with your partner about it.

yawha

baby and crumble wrote: »

TBH (and this is going to sound annoyingly superior, I don't mean it to) but unless you're gay or bi I don't think there's much of an understanding as to how much your sexuality impacts on who you are as a person, who you identify as being.

Perhaps... I dunno though. Is it not the expression of that side to your sexuality, and the manner in which a lot of society views it, rather than your sexuality itself, which has that impact?

Monkey61

baby and crumble wrote: »

TBH (and this is going to sound annoyingly superior, I don't mean it to) but unless you're gay or bi I don't think there's much of an understanding as to how much your sexuality impacts on who you are as a person, who you identify as being. It's a bit insulting to compare fancying someone with different coloured eyes as to fancying your own gender. it's a bit more complex than that.

I actually totally disagree with this. To me, the fact that I fancy girls is just a preference, sure it has had an impact on my life experiences, growing as a person etc etc, but if I was straight and fancied boys instead, that would have also had an impact on life experience etc.

Personally, i wouldn't rank what gender I fancy as anything more than an inherent preference. I would hate the thought that it defined me in some way, anymore than being straight would define someone as a person.

To me, sitting a partener down and saying "listen, I fancy girls/boys as well" would be akin to me going out of my way to tell my short pale girlfriend that I was really attracted to tall dark skinned girls...or something. If it came up in conversation (as these things inevitably would if you had past relationships etc that you mentioned) then fair enough, but to make an issue out of it is a bit strange to me.

baby and crumble

I guess everyone has a different opinion. I just know from my experience, having a bi gf, I'd be really pissed off if she hadn't told me she fancied guys too. If I didn't know, and found out it being either dropped into conversation or through someone else I'd wonder why she wasn't being honest with me about a pretty big part of her life. Obviously her being bi doesn't bother me that much, but the dishonesty would.

wonderfulname

I think for a lot of people who've had to "come out", withholding your sexuality is perceived as dishonesty, because it is seen as genuinely withholding, rather than it just never coming up. You come out to your friends, you come out to your family, before you do you feel you're keeping something from them, to not come out to your partner then?

It's an understandable position, as is the position of someone who has never felt this, never did the big coming out thing but isn't in the closet either, so hence doesn't see a "thing" around it.

yawha

Monkey61 wrote: »

I actually totally disagree with this. To me, the fact that I fancy girls is just a preference, sure it has had an impact on my life experiences, growing as a person etc etc, but if I was straight and fancied boys instead, that would have also had an impact on life experience etc.

Personally, i wouldn't rank what gender I fancy as anything more than an inherent preference. I would hate the thought that it defined me in some way, anymore than being straight would define someone as a person.

To me, sitting a partener down and saying "listen, I fancy girls/boys as well" would be akin to me going out of my way to tell my short pale girlfriend that I was really attracted to tall dark skinned girls...or something. If it came up in conversation (as these things inevitably would if you had past relationships etc that you mentioned) then fair enough, but to make an issue out of it is a bit strange to me.

Thanks for this. I've always seen sexuality the same way.

baby and crumble wrote: »

I guess everyone has a different opinion. I just know from my experience, having a bi gf, I'd be really pissed off if she hadn't told me she fancied guys too. If I didn't know, and found out it being either dropped into conversation or through someone else I'd wonder why she wasn't being honest with me about a pretty big part of her life. Obviously her being bi doesn't bother me that much, but the dishonesty would.

But if you're in a stable, monogamous relationship, why is your attraction to other people a big part of your life?

wonderfulname wrote: »

I think for a lot of people who've had to "come out", withholding your sexuality is perceived as dishonesty, because it is seen as genuinely withholding, rather than it just never coming up. You come out to your friends, you come out to your family, before you do you feel you're keeping something from them, to not come out to your partner then?

I've always seen coming out as being to let those close to you know and somewhat prepare them for the fact that you may be with someone of the same sex in the future. It doesn't make sense to me in the context of a committed relationship to explicitly come out to one's partner about being bi.

wonderfulname

That's the difference I suppose, you see it as who you're with, others see it as an integral part of who they are. There is a culture around sexuality, there is an identity in sexuality for a lot of people, perception is everything here, neither position is wrong. A lot of straight people would be a bit shocked if they only heard a bit into a relationship that their partner was bi tbh, because like it or not its still a bit of a deal in our society, regardless of your own position.

jaffacakesyum

wonderfulname wrote: »

That's the difference I suppose, you see it as who you're with, others see it as an integral part of who they are. There is a culture around sexuality, there is an identity in sexuality for a lot of people, perception is everything here, neither position is wrong. A lot of straight people would be a bit shocked if they only heard a bit into a relationship that their partner was bi tbh, because like it or not its still a bit of a deal in our society, regardless of your own position.

+1

There is definitely a culture that goes with sexuality - sometimes that can be a good thing, sometimes bad.

Personally, I don't see myself as being bisexual as an 'integral part of who I am'. It's not complex or something that straight people will 'never understand!!!' It simply means that I fancy girls as well as guys

But to others, it might be something deeper. I dunno. I don't really get that

baby and crumble

yawha wrote: »

But if you're in a stable, monogamous relationship, why is your attraction to other people a big part of your life?


I've always seen coming out as being to let those close to you know and somewhat prepare them for the fact that you may be with someone of the same sex in the future. It doesn't make sense to me in the context of a committed relationship to explicitly come out to one's partner about being bi.

I guess I can only answer this from my perspective. From someone who's in long term, committed monogamous relationship, you expect and deserve level of honesty from your partner. At least, I do. For me, a persons sexuality is an integral part of that person. In saying sexuality, I don't just mean the gender they are attracted to, at all. Sexuality encompasses a massive swathe of human behaviour. It could be argued everything we do, if we reduce ourselves down to the base animals we really are, is because of sex. Our motivation for being successful at work is probably based in a need to be seen as a successful mate, regardless if procreation is in the offing. Our desire to look nice- well that's a bit obvious.

Knowing that your partner is also attracted to another gender is not important because it means you have to keep your eye on them. Rather, in my opinion, it's important because it's a side of our baser nature that influences most things we do, whether we know it or not. Plus my gf and I enjoy scoping out people when we're together- not because we want thressomes or anything, but because it's not natural to only be attracted to one person only at a time. Having to hide feelings of desire for another person is a recipe for disaster. this way, she can share who she's attracted to, and vice versa. She doesn't have to hide it from me.

ronnie88

I have to say reading through these comments as a bi girl, I think it is really important to be able to tell your partner male or female that your bi and I don't consider it as a free pass to be with other people but sexuality is part us. I am in a longterm straight relationship and told my boyfriend after 2yrs togather and it was tough at first but we are definitely better off now. As a bi girl it is a huge part of me, part that unfortunately I can't feel with everyone, so its great that as a couple we can now share it. We haven't looked back since, even my partner says it has completed us and that I always kinda held back before. So for any one unsure to tell or not, I'd say go for it!

easychair

ronnie88 wrote: »

I have to say reading through these comments as a bi girl, I think it is really important to be able to tell your partner male or female that your bi and I don't consider it as a free pass to be with other people but sexuality is part us. I am in a longterm straight relationship and told my boyfriend after 2yrs togather and it was tough at first but we are definitely better off now. As a bi girl it is a huge part of me, part that unfortunately I can't feel with everyone, so its great that as a couple we can now share it. We haven't looked back since, even my partner says it has completed us and that I always kinda held back before. So for any one unsure to tell or not, I'd say go for it!

I agree that honesty is the only thing of much value we have in a relationship. If one is dishonest in a relationship, then that's a sad thing for both people. Why many should feel threatened by their sexuality is uncertain, as sexuality should be celebrated and enjoyed, and not something to feel threatened by.

CDfm

I stumbled accross this thread and I am a fairly tolerant hetero guy and got flustered a few years back when I thought my g/f was getting attention from a bi friend. Some would call it insecurity.

The thing that drew me the most to responding to the thread was that I am divorced and a dad and when I was dating a big issue was whether to tell women I dated that I had kids . I sometimes didn't and rationalised that a one night stand opportunity was not worth complicating and lots of women do not date guys with kids.

So , OP , you are revealing a part of you that may make you vulnerable no matter how together you are with it, new relationships are fragile and you had no idea what the outcome would be to your news. And, the revelation is a bridge between your old life and your new relationship. Now with me I could hardly deny 2 young adults that call me Dad.

I love how my life has evolved in the past few years and it has a lot of integrity in it and it seems that what you are going thru is something like this and establishing emotional intimacy and security.

So best of luck OP and it is a lovely positive story.

shannon_tek

I think bi is the best way. And you should say it. but thats my opinion:)

yawha

ronnie88 wrote: »

I am in a longterm straight relationship and told my boyfriend after 2yrs togather and it was tough at first

Why was it tough at first?

Perhaps my confusion is to do with being too tolerant. And while I don't mean to offend those who don't share my opinion, nor do I really see sexuality (or at least, the small part of sexuality that defines who you're attracted to) as being so grandiose or life defining. It just wouldn't be a big deal to me, because I fully get that people are attracted to others while in relationships, and that sexuality is fluid and not binary, and thus were a bi partner to make a big deal of "coming out" to me, I'd be a bit weirded out and confused as to why they were doing so.

Of course, I concede that I should probably be acknowledging that some people do take these things more seriously. And I guess this thread has taught me that I shouldn't be weirded out if some future partner does come out to me like this.

ronnie88

It was tough at first because as a couple we needed to figure out how it would effect the future we had planned and I suppose partly because I needed to get it straight in my own head. It was never a question of us breaking up but it was undoubtedly going to change things for us and it has but the changes have been all positive. With respect for your opinion I don't think it's fair to say one might "make a big deal of coming out". Having had some personal experience of it and having supported friends other gay friends, I can only offer my own opinion in saying that in alot of instances coming out can be a difficult move for people to take and its not for others to be dismissive for as it in most cases takes alot of courage and can cause alot of stress.

yawha wrote: »

Why was it tough at first?

Perhaps my confusion is to do with being too tolerant. And while I don't mean to offend those who don't share my opinion, nor do I really see sexuality (or at least, the small part of sexuality that defines who you're attracted to) as being so grandiose or life defining. It just wouldn't be a big deal to me, because I fully get that people are attracted to others while in relationships, and that sexuality is fluid and not binary, and thus were a bi partner to make a big deal of "coming out" to me, I'd be a bit weirded out and confused as to why they were doing so.

Of course, I concede that I should probably be acknowledging that some people do take these things more seriously. And I guess this thread has taught me that I shouldn't be weirded out if some future partner does come out to me like this.