Friends Now More Valued/Valuable Than Family?

DazMarz

I wasn't 100% sure where to post this, so I'll post it here, in T.G.C. If the mods feel that it is inappropriate for here, it can be moved to a more appropriate forum. I just wanted some serious answers to a serious issue that I feel has arisen in my life and the lives of others.

I'm a 22 year old male, and I'm just wondering what people's feelings are on this.

Maybe it is a generational/societal thing, but in the past while I've noticed that more and more people are putting greater emphasis upon relations and interactions they have with their friends than with their families.

I know for me, that this is very much the case. I now live with my friends, I spend far more time with my friends, I value the time I spend with my friends more, I enjoy myself far more when I'm with my friends, etc.

Is this becoming more and more prevalent? Or has it always existed? I believe it is more of a modern thing to become very close to platonic friends and to be closer to them than to members of your family. Discussion with some of my friends on the topic has revealed similar feelings. Also, as vapid and as inconsequential as this may seem, it has become something of a trend (and some say it is a stupid trend, but do it's feelings run deeper for some people???) on the networking site Facebook for people to list close friends as 'Brother' or 'Sister' and so on.

I often refer to some of my closer male friends as 'Bro' or 'Brother', and sometimes it genuinely feels like that. As an only child, I never had the interactions with siblings that others had and I sometimes feel that my closer friends are like the brothers I never had.

While I have no deep animosity towards my family, I have often felt like something of a 'black sheep', for perceived and genuine failures in my own life in the past. Arguments and fights are much more frequent with my family, whom I can find to be short, not very understanding and insensitive; compared to my friends who always listen, always understand and always seem to be there for me.

So to you, The Gentlemen of boards.ie..... Do you have better relationships with your friends or with your family? Or which do you value more???

Thank you

MitchKoobski

I get on better with my friends and would definitely value them more. Its not that I have anything against my family, I just cant have regular conversations about stuff from Boards or Reddit with my mam, and my dad still refuses to watch Game of Thrones.

Maguined

You don't choose your family but you do choose your friends so it makes sense you will get along with your friends and enjoy their company more so than your family.

Unless you get lucky and you and your family have the same mentality so you just so happen to get along with them as good if not better than regular friendships.

blackalicious

in general i get on better with my friends but im probably closer to my brother than my best friends. Or maybe just as close. my brother is only 18 so he was a kid for the last few years but now he can partake in the deabauchery that i reserve for my nearest and dearest..

helimachoptor

Yeah i think so. I've got one brother and there's 6 years between us. i'm 29 he's nearly 23 and up until a couple of years ago we didnt have a reason to get on he was always the annoying teenager!
but the last couple of years he's grown up a lot and we've become closer.

G86

I guess it depends on your definition of family. I don't have a relationship with my parents, so I think that as a result I've always invested a lot more into my other relationships and my friends mean the world to me. However, I have a great relationship with my brother and sister and my Aunties/extended family, and I'd never say I value my friends more than them - they just all fall into the same category for me. The only difference being that I'd see my friends alot more often as I'm only home 2 or 3 times a year; that said, I talk to my Aunty and sister everyday on the phone/facebook.

Dravokivich

My imediate family were just people I grew up around. I was the eldest and always seemed like my parents were using me to test how to bring up the others.

Last few years i've been making an effort to get on with 1 of my brothers I used to treat like crap.

With regards to my friends... They are people I got to know because I wanted to know and associate with them. To be honest, its rare that I don't.

So value between those groups?

I honestly wouldnt know how to set one. There are times when I get on with my family, just as there are times I dont. Sometimes I go for a fews months without contacting them. But the same could be said with my friends. I've got quite a few mates who I only see a handful of times a year. That doesnt mean I value them any less though.

micayla

This one is a mix for me. Four or five years ago I would have said my friends were definitely more important but things have changed since I've been away from home and I certainly get on better with my siblings now and part of that is definitely down to the fact that I don't live close to home. I'm from a large family so all the time I was growing up I never had any space, always shared a room etc. So when I moved out I barely went home as I enjoyed the freedom and made a lot of friends that I really got on with, so where a lot of people in college went home every weekend I went home twice a year. But over the last couple of years I've graduated back to my family and actually miss home more now than I did in college. I call my siblings more often, though there are some I rarely talk to but that has a lot to do with age difference than anything else. I exchange books with one of my sisters so we're in touch often through packages and stuff, I've finally gotten her reading fantasy, same with one of my brothers, we'll always ring the other if there's a book we've read that we think the other will enjoy.

I think that as people get older and begin to settle down they may gravate back to their families. Friends will still be important, obviously, but I think the relationships will evolve into something different. I have noticed among friends that are getting married and starting families that they tend to move away from their single friends and towards other couples in similar situations.

Relationships, platonic/familial/intimate will always evolve to our needs or so I believe.

Mrmoe

I don't think they will ever be more valuable or valued than family for me anyway. I would consider some of my closest friends to be on the same level though and would consider them family. I get on very well with my siblings and parents and although it sounds soppy I would consider them very good friends as well.

I am able to tell close friends a lot of things that I couldn't tell my family. This is probably due to the fact of being from a similar background, age and experiences. The reverse is also true, I would tell my family some things that I couldn't/wouldn't tell my friends. The dynamics of these relationships change over time though.

Rossin

i found as i got older i got closer to my family, teenage years and early 20's i just wanted to piss them off and hang out with my friends

Azureus

I've a tiny family (me + 3) so to me friends are definately more important than family.
They influence my life more, I see them a hell of a lot more often, they essentially determine who I am and how I feel.
My family, while I love and appreciate them dearly, dont have an impact on my day to day life so I dont see how I could value them equally.
My mother, obviously, I owe everything to and would value above most things, but as for the other two, not so much and to be honest I dont feel bad about that.

DazMarz

As much as you can't choose your friends and so on, I've definitely found that I relate so much better with friends, despite anything. There's no way I could have as much fun with my family, nor that I could have an emotional 'opening-up' type conversation with a family member...

I also found that before I moved out of my parents house that if some of my close friends invited me out, even if it was just something as "unimportant" as going for some food, going to the cinema, etc. that it would mean so much to me, and it would always improve my mood so much and made me feel so good. No family outing would ever make me feel that way.

I've seen a lot of my friends experiene similar feelings and speak the same way... It's a weird feeling I have to admit, as if we are ''supposed'' to value family more.

beks101

Nope, don't feel this way at all, I'd be nothing without my family to be honest.

Goes without saying there are conversations I can only have with friends, EG not exactly going to harp on about my sex life with my mother or even sister as it'd be far too uncomfortable and I'd be too wary of judgement/influence etc...like someone says, you do get the privilege of choosing your friends so you're often going to have way more in common with them. But ultimately my family has my back and have been/will be there for me in my hour of need, unconditionally, know me inside and out in the way my friends don't, by virtue of growing up together and no matter what happens or what they say/do, I know that they always have my best interests at heart.

Friends hold huge value for me too, I don't suffer fools and have a few close friends who would be like sisters and brothers to me, but I've also been disappointed by friendships that meant the world to me that ultimately faded, despite my efforts, and friends who changed to the point where we were no longer compatible. Doesn't cheapen the friendship we once had, but I just wouldn't close my eyes to the fact that it can happen either, whereas with my family, I simply couldn't fathom it. We bicker and argue and scream at each other and don't see eye to eye sometimes, but always have each other to come home to. It's a value that I've come to cherish even more by emigrating.

DazMarz

beks101 wrote: »

Nope, don't feel this way at all, I'd be nothing without my family to be honest.

Goes without saying there are conversations I can only have with friends, EG not exactly going to harp on about my sex life with my mother or even sister as it'd be far too uncomfortable and I'd be too wary of judgement/influence etc...like someone says, you do get the privilege of choosing your friends so you're often going to have way more in common with them. But ultimately my family has my back and have been/will be there for me in my hour of need, unconditionally, know me inside and out in the way my friends don't, by virtue of growing up together and no matter what happens or what they say/do, I know that they always have my best interests at heart.

Friends hold huge value for me too, I don't suffer fools and have a few close friends who would be like sisters and brothers to me, but I've also been disappointed by friendships that meant the world to me that ultimately faded, despite my efforts, and friends who changed to the point where we were no longer compatible. Doesn't cheapen the friendship we once had, but I just wouldn't close my eyes to the fact that it can happen either, whereas with my family, I simply couldn't fathom it. We bicker and argue and scream at each other and don't see eye to eye sometimes, but always have each other to come home to. It's a value that I've come to cherish even more by emigrating.

How I wish I could say the same about myself, in terms of my family!!! I could never feel comfortable talking to them about anything very personal at all. It was always to friends that I spoke about anything that really mattered to me, and I think that it always will be.

It goes without saying that I like this arrangement, but I'd love to be able to say I can talk to my family about things as well, but there's always been that gulf between myself and others in my family, that it just never ends happily.

It's also a real case of as I've gained more and more independence (getting driving licence, moving out of home, etc.) that I've grown more distant from family and closer to my friends, and to be honest, I'm happier with this than I thought I'd be...

It's a weird way I feel; I'd love to be close to my family, but I also have the knowledge that I have some of the best friends anyone could ever ask for and they'd be there for me in a heartbeat if I needed them, and I'm so close to some of them, they're better than family.

beks101

DazMarz wrote: »

How I wish I could say the same about myself, in terms of my family!!! I could never feel comfortable talking to them about anything very personal at all. It was always to friends that I spoke about anything that really mattered to me, and I think that it always will be.

To be honest, I didn't open up to my family really until after I moved out at eighteen; before that it was shouting matches with my sisters, continued drama and crossed-wires with my parents as they're quite old-fashioned and I was a little angst-ridden bitch as a teenager.

They still drive me batty at the best of times but the closeness and ability to open up and talk has really only come with age and distance. My Mum especially has become my biggest confidante, particularly since emigrating, have had some invaluable skype chats with her! Rewinding six or seven years I never would have foreseen it, we were always at loggerheads and I was constantly met by her disapproval, so I guess these relationships can always change.

If you're happier without any close relationship with your family and are surrounded by good, loyal, trustworthy friends I guess there's no real need to change anything. But just to keep in mind that the nature of your friendships can change very quickly, especially as you get older relationships etc can come between the closeness you have, it's something I've definitely noticed in recent years.

HavingCrack

OP do you mean your immediate family (parents and siblings) or your extended aunts, uncles and cousins?

If it's the first, my immediate family would always be more important than my friends. Obviously I do very different things with both. I'm not going to hit the pubs with my mother.

If it's the second, I have no connection with my relatives. Sure I get along with some of them (by no means all) but my friends would be far more important.

Circus_O

Nope, don't feel this way at all, I'd be nothing without my family to be honest.

This, although I understand where your coming from OP my friends find it weird that I can hit the clubs with my sister, they don't seem to realise how good of a wingman she can be. Most of my family has a big emphasis on the importance of family and i've grown up with that mentality, my friends are of course incredibly important to me but family is family.

From reading the other replies I suppose i'm lucky in that my immediate family and the extended family that i'd see regularly all have pretty much the same sense of humour so 'family' nights are usually a right laugh and that could be where this mentality comes from. We aren't the picture perfect family but we're able to spend time together and have a laugh so there are friendships there aswell as familial ties.

DazMarz

When I refer to family, I'm referring to both my immediate family and other relations that I have and see on a fairly regular basis. I'm an only child, so I've no siblings to have a relationship with, and my relationship with my parents has gotten to a point where it is more of a business arrangement than a familial one. Same goes for relationships with aunts/uncles/etc.

It more feels like I 'have' to be "The Good Son" or some such stereotype, rather than 'wanting' to be that person.

There is no question about it in my mind that I would do so much more for some of my closest friends, moreso than some members of my own family. Terrible as it may sound to some...

MadameCholet

I'm a woman so apologies if I'm not allowed post on this board (i keep running into trouble and will probably get into trouble again now) but I used to feel like this when I was 23. I could go weeks without ringing home, and the distance between myself and my parents was a huge chasm. But you know, roll on a few decades, couple of children, a taste of various forms of real life! and suddenly I am closer to family and appreciate them again. I do still have friends I would be FAR more frank with than I could ever be with my parents. But at 23 I would have sold my parents to the highest bidder and bought a lava lamp and a hammock. Things change.

Otis Driftwood

Hi MadameCholet.Females are more than welcome to post in this forum.Once you or anyone else for that matter stay within the rules of our charter and spirit of the forum then there will be no problem whatsoever.