Former best friend spending time with ex

LegacyUser

Hi,

Just venting here as no one else to speak to really. It's a small issue and probably a non- issue for most people. But I just need some advice, perspective. Long story short was best friends with a girl years ago have known her since we were toddlers, now in 20's. We've had ups and downs but a couple of years ago i'd just had enough only spoke to her once and then she went off travelling.

One of the things she did on my was she used to flirt with a guy I was seeing and stirred a lot of ****. We broke up and he understood why (hardest thing I ever had to do) he was involved in some not so savoury habits. We continued meeting up every now and again and this dragged on for well over a year. I still seen him around but we both moved on and got other bfs/girlfriends etc. Last year we were both single and got chatting etc and kissed a couple of times nothing serious, kind of felt he might just want one thing. Anyways my "friend" used to say things to him like how he and her would be better suited etc and how she's so sick of me going on about him and what's the story with me and him.

The girl arrived home recently and as much as it kills me I said i'd try be the bigger person and get on with her. What's getting to me is she went out one night recently and went to a party in my exes house and spent the night there and all the next day. I know i'm old enough to know better and I have a bf but I can't help how I feel. I'm really hurt by this, she only knows him through me and they were never really friends or that. I can't win even after this incident i'd said i'd say nothing and try and get on with her, so she was on FB the other day and I said hi. My friend told me i'm being 2 faced and yet if I don't want to get on with her "I need to get over it" and stop giving out.

I fell out with this girl for a variety of other reasons, one being her and her sister had a party in the house we were sharing one night and wrecked my room then tried to lie there way out of it. I just don't know what to do this girl caused me so much grief and my ex broke my heart. I've to go away for a weekend soon and this girl will be there. I fear I will cry if she starts talking about spending time with my ex. Am I being selfish, unreasonable? I don't think I still have feelings for my ex.

Zebra3

You have a boyfriend and you're pissed off about what your ex does?

You try to stay friends with a girl you hate/can't get along with?

Sounds like you need to cut contact with both of these people and it sounds like you're being unfair to your current bf too, going out with him while seemingly having feelings (good or bad) for someone else.

Motley Crue

Hurt but i've probably no right to be wrote: »

Am I being selfish, unreasonable? I don't think I still have feelings for my ex.

OP, am I right in thinking you are unsure about your feelings towards your friend and her relationship with her ex?

First and foremost, if you have a partner, you cannot expect someone else isn't entitled to the same. You might be confused over feelings you have for this girl but you really need to talk to her about this. Did your ex do something that would make you think your friend is in danger or shouldn't be with them? I'm afraid you can't control who spends time with who and you will drive yourself mad if you try and control your friends other friendships

But it sounds to me like you could have feelings for this girl, and if that's the case, I'd suggest thinking long and hard on whether you want to discuss them with her

Bottle_of_Smoke

Is it possible you're only remaining friends with her to keep an eye on whats going on between her and your ex?

I do understand your fundamental issue though. Proper friends don't go near ex's in these kind of circumstance and it is hurtful, but you kind of stopped being friends, and I don't think it wise to try and become friends again.

I'd be a bit concerned about how upset you are still. May indicate some feelings you still have for the ex

LegacyUser

Zebra3 wrote: »

You have a boyfriend and you're pissed off about what your ex does?

You try to stay friends with a girl you hate/can't get along with?

Sounds like you need to cut contact with both of these people and it sounds like you're being unfair to your current bf too, going out with him while seemingly having feelings (good or bad) for someone else.

I'm not trying to stay friends with her she insists on hounding me with friends requests on Facebook and insists on acting all pally. We are all in the same group of friends and I have to be in her company. My friends tell me I need to "get over it" if I say I don't want her in my life and then when I try and get on with her i'm being "two faced". It's exhausting, its worse than some bad teen movie.

LegacyUser

Motley Crue wrote: »

OP, am I right in thinking you are unsure about your feelings towards your friend and her relationship with her ex?

First and foremost, if you have a partner, you cannot expect someone else isn't entitled to the same. You might be confused over feelings you have for this girl but you really need to talk to her about this. Did your ex do something that would make you think your friend is in danger or shouldn't be with them? I'm afraid you can't control who spends time with who and you will drive yourself mad if you try and control your friends other friendships

But it sounds to me like you could have feelings for this girl, and if that's the case, I'd suggest thinking long and hard on whether you want to discuss them with her

Wow you're seriously barking up the wrong tree, i'm not a fricking lesbian. I can't stand this girl anymore. She's only home after years away. I'm only trying to get on with her for peace sake. No it's about true friends not going near friends exes, bfs etc which this girl has a serious history of doing.

Chinafoot

OP I'd suggest you ignore the amateur psychology of those who like to invent things under the guise of reading between the lines :rolleyes:

I understand your confused feelings but ultimately your friends are on the right track. You don't want to be this girls friend, that much is obvious, but if you have been bitching about this girls behaviour and then act all nice to her you are being a bit two faced. I get that you share friends and need to spend time in her company but it is very easy to draw a line. Be civil to her when you have to see her but beyond that you shouldn't give her a second thought. She's not your friend and hasn't been your friend for a very long time. Don't bother with her on Facebook, don't reply to any texts and only see her when its necessary. Life is far too short to waste your energy on toxic people like her.

Her behaviour is sh.itty but as others pointed out, your ex is entitled to see other people. If you think you still have feelings for him that's a different issue and something you need to work out for yourself. For your boyfriends sake, as well as your own, I'd suggest you have a very serious think about why this hurts you much. If its because you want your ex back then you should end things with your boyfriend. If the hurt is because its this girl in particular that he may be seeing, well to be blunt OP, its something you'll just have to get over. She has confirmed that she's no friend of yours and as such you should forget her and move on. Don't waste your time giving out. She's not worth it.

LegacyUser

I haven't been nicey nicey to her. I've ignored her friend requests on FB for 2 years and before that made it clear I wanted nothing to do with her and i'm told I need to get over it. So I said i'd chat to her just to be civil and be the bigger person, more so to let her see her actions with me ex aren't getting to me. I guarantee if he was some handsome stranger with no history with one of her friends she wouldn't find it half as appealing. I'm so sick of people making exceptions for this girl and her disgraceful behaviour. I'm not the only one out of the group who doesn't like her. I really really want to just be able to accept this and move on, i'd hate for her to think she was upsetting me. She'd love that. To be honest without sounding fat headed I think it's a jealousy thing with her, she's only had 1 bf her entire life who only lasted a couple of months, he was a complete plank aswell. I've never had any shortage of male attention. Thing that annoys me is we had a mutual guy friend who she had kissed 3 times over the space of a year and a half but she referred to him as her "ex". She gave me dogs abuse bcoz he told me he fancied me and I made it clear in no uncertain terms to him we were just friends and eventually stopped talking to him because of this. She even went mental at me one night in a night club because I was in "full blown" conversation with him. I can't believe the childishness of all of this.

eleven

I understand the difficulties that occur within a large circle of friends when relationships arise in the group. When couples get together and break up it affects everyone in the group, and you can't just move on like you would if your ex was previously a stranger to your friends.

However - that being said, you need to take a step back from all the drama, and bring it back to the bare facts.

An old friend who you now do not get on with is friendly/coming onto your ex boyfriend.

You don't approve of this. Why? Girlcode? Because you don't like the thoughts of her getting what you once had? Jealousy?

Whatever the reason, you have to take hold of the idea that what either of them do does not have to do with you. It's not your business anymore. You must start looking forward to your life with your boyfriend and the friends you do trust and respect, and who reciprocate.

If you have to hang out with the ex boyfriend and the ex friend, be polite but uninvolved, in a large group it's perfectly normal for people to be more and less friendly with each other depending on individual histories and relationships.

Stop trying to analyse her motives and behaviour, just draw a line between them and you and get on with your life.

Maybe don't go away on the weekend, or perhaps arrange something yourself, inviting only those you want to be in your life?

Just stop relating her actions to your life. Forget about her.

fungun

ummmm, what?

you have an ex-bf you dont want?
and an old friend you dont really like?

why do these people even merit your thoughts? forget about them and whatever they might be doing; focus on your bf and what makes you happy.

youll be a lot happier

Chinafoot

Hurt but i've probably no right to be wrote: »

I haven't been nicey nicey to her. I've ignored her friend requests on FB for 2 years and before that made it clear I wanted nothing to do with her and i'm told I need to get over it. So I said i'd chat to her just to be civil and be the bigger person, more so to let her see her actions with me ex aren't getting to me.
I guarantee if he was some handsome stranger with no history with one of her friends she wouldn't find it half as appealing. I'm so sick of people making exceptions for this girl and her disgraceful behaviour. I'm not the only one out of the group who doesn't like her. I really really want to just be able to accept this and move on, i'd hate for her to think she was upsetting me. She'd love that. To be honest without sounding fat headed I think it's a jealousy thing with her, she's only had 1 bf her entire life who only lasted a couple of months, he was a complete plank aswell. I've never had any shortage of male attention. Thing that annoys me is we had a mutual guy friend who she had kissed 3 times over the space of a year and a half but she referred to him as her "ex". She gave me dogs abuse bcoz he told me he fancied me and I made it clear in no uncertain terms to him we were just friends and eventually stopped talking to him because of this. She even went mental at me one night in a night club because I was in "full blown" conversation with him. I can't believe the childishness of all of this.

OP, I don't understand why you are getting so defensive here. I agree, its all incredibly childish but by being upset over this you are simply playing into her hands. We get it, she's a cow, she's jealous and she's incredibly immature. So why waste even an ounce of time thinking about her or talking about her? As for your friends telling you to get over it or telling you you're being two-faced...be honest with yourself here, have you been bitching about her to your friends? If you have then chances are they are sick of listening to you. Look at it from their point of view, this is a girl you don't want to be friends with and a bloke you don't want to be with. You have a boyfriend yet you are wasting your time on whats going on between two people who have feck all to do with you anymore. Telling you to get over it is the best advice you can get tbh.