Advice on how to handle this "nicely"

Goreygal

Hi all

Just looking for advice please?

I gave up alcohol last summer for medical reasons and to be honest found it suited me. I'm happy to be the designated driver and don't miss the hangovers. I also like the way I feel more "me" when I am out and not drinking.

Medically I can drink again but have decided myself that I am going to pretty much stick to not drinking alcohol. I may have the odd glass of wine if I really feel like it but I no longer have a desire to "knock it back" with the girls.

A friend was chatting to me the other night online and it came up in passing. She has a girls night with some other friends of hers every month in one of their houses where they chat and have a laugh but end up getting very drunk. I've never been invited and to be honest never expected to as I don't know these girls and figured it was "her thing" with them. But the other night I was told that I wasn't invited before because I was off the booze but now that I was back on it it would be all systems go.

I must admit to feeling a bit bemused by this. I'm quite happy to sit with my fizzy water while others drink and quite happy to stay up and laugh and chat etc. But it seems that alcohol is a conditional part of the invite which I'm not happy about as I don't want to "have to drink".

Any suggestions?

Lord TSC

If you don't want to drink and they are saying its a condition, me thinks you're better off politly declining the invitation....

Amtmann

Hmm. They sound incredibly closed-minded. I don't drink, and thankfully my friends have never placed conditions on me like that (they wouldn't be my friends if they did). Personally, I'd speak to the one you're closest to about it in the cold light of day. If you don't get a good response, I'd find better friends if I were you. Leave them to talk shight all night if they want.

Goreygal

Cheers guys.. that's what my instincts are telling me too.


I was just shocked that the reason I hadn't been invited was because I don't drink. Whether they thought I would be no fun or feel uncomfortable or make them feel uncomfortable I have no idea.

Companero

that a lot of Irish people have a really immature attitude to alcohol. They are not very comfortable with the idea of genuine relaxation and openess, and are unsure how to do it.

They therefore have an absolute barrier in their minds between their drunk selves and their sober selves: For them being drunk is being fun, free and open and being sober is not. This is probably because for a lot of people growing up in Ireland it is very difficult to learn how to let go of yourself without being absolutely hammered first -in a typical Irish adolescence/early adulthood, there are few chances to learn how to do that.

I remember when I was a heavy drinker, I would have felt that a non-drinker's presence would shatter the illusion that I was having a great time: For example, part of the enjoyment of getting pissed for example, is the feeling that you are wittier and funnier than you normally are, deep down, of course you know that this isn't true, and the sight of a sober person straining to laugh at your crap jokes, or looking at his watch a little bored, spoils that illusion. You need other people pissed around you to maintain the illusion that the dull conversation you are having is a little sparkly gem of polished witticisms. If your friends really are that immature that they cant handle it, find other, preferably non-Irish, friends.

Amtmann

Companero wrote: »

If your friends really are that immature that they cant handle it, find other, preferably non-Irish, friends.

Actually, I have a disproportionately high number of non-Irish friends, and I've never had an Irish girlfriend (they've all been foreign). For years I wondered why this was, and finally the penny dropped: it certainly has a lot to do with my dislike of drink and the associated social scene of clubbing and pubbing. I do have some Irish friends of course, but because I never go 'out' with them, I tend to miss a lot of what goes on.

Sunnyisland

I think the biggest problem is people have forgotten that you can still have fun while sober. So it has just become a social crutch,I dont think its fair not to be invited over just because you dont drink but in fairness people have been brainwashed by our culture into thinking that it is a social norm.Thankfully my real friends & family still invite me to social occaisions even if they no i wont go.

languagenerd

As the others have said, people in Ireland have it in their heads that alcohol = fun, so if you're not drinking, you're not having fun - and worse, you clearly don't want them to have fun either :rolleyes::(

It's a ridiculous notion, but unfortunately it shows no sign of going away. I always feel like I have to justify myself when I say I don't drink, like telling people that I don't mind others drinking or that I still go out and have fun or whatever. People who have been on nights out with me are fine with it, but it usually gets an odd look or people acting weirdly around me at the start of the night etc.


I think, unfortunately, that you may have to turn down this invitation, because the fact that you're not drinking will probably just keep coming up...

mari2222

Drop 'em.

NTMK

mari2222 wrote: »

Drop 'em.

+1 if there excluding you because youre not drinking there not your friends

unreggd

Companero wrote: »

For example, part of the enjoyment of getting pissed for example, is the feeling that you are wittier and funnier than you normally are, deep down, of course you know that this isn't true, and the sight of a sober person straining to laugh at your crap jokes, or looking at his watch a little bored, spoils that illusion. You need other people pissed around you to maintain the illusion that the dull conversation you are having is a little sparkly gem of polished witticisms.

This.

Drinkers narrow-mindedly assume that since they have this mega paranoia with drinking when theres sober people around, that sober people HATE being around drunk people

Your mates sound like a shower of 12 year olds. Ditch em!

nesbitt

Goreygal wrote: »

Hi all

A friend was chatting to me the other night online and it came up in passing. She has a girls night with some other friends of hers every month in one of their houses where they chat and have a laugh but end up getting very drunk. I've never been invited and to be honest never expected to as I don't know these girls and figured it was "her thing" with them. But the other night I was told that I wasn't invited before because I was off the booze but now that I was back on it it would be all systems go.

I must admit to feeling a bit bemused by this. I'm quite happy to sit with my fizzy water while others drink and quite happy to stay up and laugh and chat etc. But it seems that alcohol is a conditional part of the invite which I'm not happy about as I don't want to "have to drink".

Any suggestions?

You have probably figured out the answer yourself to this common social situation in Ireland....

Don't go and continue to socialise with your friend/acquaintance as in the previous usual way.

See how that goes, if you find that she does not seem interested in meeting up without the drink then the friendship is based on the premise that you are a drinker than the friendship will naturally fizzle out...

If the person wants to meet up for coffee, lunch, etc grand, its the way you like to socialise.

I can totally relate to your situation. I have ended two new friendships in the last 3 years due to the drinker/non-drinker scenario. My lifestyle choice was not respected repeatedly so I ceased the 'friendships'.

Lapin

I wouldn't be as harsh as some of the previous posters in relation to your friends OP.

If the girls want to get together occasionally and knock back a few bottles of wine, what harm?

As you say yourself, alcohol is a conditional part of the invite. If thats the rule I don't see anything wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with getting drunk now and again if you can handle it.

I understand how others in a planned drinking session may feel uncomfortable if there is a sober person amongst them. (That sounds like an awful way to phrase it). Its not that those getting plastered have anything against you or think any less of you, they are just want everyone to be on the same wavelength.

Being off the drink (I hate that phrase), doesn't have to mean being anti alcohol.

If they are good friends, you will probably be in touch with them elsewhere and your relationship with them won't change because you are missing out on a few parties.

Since I stopped drinking, I haven't felt excluded from anything my friends do, despite missing out on a few good old píss ups !

Let your friends have their fun, and if you don't want to join them - do what Teamshadowclan said above. 'Politely decline".

But don't 'Drop 'em".

Good friends are hard to find.

Bruce7

I didn't know this forum existed and came across it by pure chance, but I think this is interesting. I'm not a non-drinker, but have gone through periods on the dry before when I found it was more trouble than it was worth to be around people drinking - whether in pubs, restaurants, or even at family occasions. I often wondered at the time why they cared what I was drinking, and why their enjoyment of their drinks should be positively or negatively affected by what I was having.

But then I thought about it and saw that this was understandable enough. Imagine if your friends were going skinny dipping and you decided to join them because you enjoy swimming, exercise, fresh air etc., but that you wanted to keep your togs on. Now you could say that they are making a show of themselves by revealing things that are better off remaining concealed, or that you can have just as good a swim with your togs on or off, or whatever you want... But the fact is that it's not actually about them wanting to see your bare ass at all costs; it's about you holding back while they're letting go, so it's understandable enough that people would be affected by it a bit.

I'm not arguing one side or the other here, or saying that anyone is in the right or in the wrong, just saying that it's probably to be expected, and natural enough. For every action there's an equal and opposite reaction and all that.

keane2097

Bruce7 wrote: »

I didn't know this forum existed and came across it by pure chance, but I think this is interesting. I'm not a non-drinker, but have gone through periods on the dry before when I found it was more trouble than it was worth to be around people drinking - whether in pubs, restaurants, or even at family occasions. I often wondered at the time why they cared what I was drinking, and why their enjoyment of their drinks should be positively or negatively affected by what I was having.

But then I thought about it and saw that this was understandable enough. Imagine if your friends were going skinny dipping and you decided to join them because you enjoy swimming, exercise, fresh air etc., but that you wanted to keep your togs on. Now you could say that they are making a show of themselves by revealing things that are better off remaining concealed, or that you can have just as good a swim with your togs on or off, or whatever you want... But the fact is that it's not actually about them wanting to see your bare ass at all costs; it's about you holding back while they're letting go, so it's understandable enough that people would be affected by it a bit.

I'm not arguing one side or the other here, or saying that anyone is in the right or in the wrong, just saying that it's probably to be expected, and natural enough. For every action there's an equal and opposite reaction and all that.

This analogy is exactly what is at work here imo.

DoubleBogey

Bruce7 wrote: »

I didn't know this forum existed and came across it by pure chance, but I think this is interesting. I'm not a non-drinker, but have gone through periods on the dry before when I found it was more trouble than it was worth to be around people drinking - whether in pubs, restaurants, or even at family occasions. I often wondered at the time why they cared what I was drinking, and why their enjoyment of their drinks should be positively or negatively affected by what I was having.

But then I thought about it and saw that this was understandable enough. Imagine if your friends were going skinny dipping and you decided to join them because you enjoy swimming, exercise, fresh air etc., but that you wanted to keep your togs on. Now you could say that they are making a show of themselves by revealing things that are better off remaining concealed, or that you can have just as good a swim with your togs on or off, or whatever you want... But the fact is that it's not actually about them wanting to see your bare ass at all costs; it's about you holding back while they're letting go, so it's understandable enough that people would be affected by it a bit.

I'm not arguing one side or the other here, or saying that anyone is in the right or in the wrong, just saying that it's probably to be expected, and natural enough. For every action there's an equal and opposite reaction and all that.

But if you are with friends would you not expect them to accept the fact that you swim with your togs on? A better analogy would be if you met a group of people skinny dipping and were invited along on other skinny dipping excursions, purely for the fact that you are also a skinny dipper. Now if you were to turn up in your togs one day I can understand how this would be an issue.

keane2097

People can be your friends without unconditionally thinking everything about you is amazing, or wanting your company on every single pursuit they partake in.

LisaLowlife

That's bad form love, they should have asked you in the first place I think.
Fair play for having a sensible approach to alcohol as well

languagenerd

I don't think you need to ditch them, I just think you'll unfortunately just have to turn down this particular invitation. If they stopped talking to you/inviting you out full stop because you don't drink, then that would be the time to drop 'em.

Non-drinkers often have to prove they can have fun on a night out. I know that's an odd way to put it, people tend to be paranoid that you'll be judging them/not having fun/trying to stop them having fun etc. My non-drinking is not an issue with anyone I've ever been out with (except the occasional barman, but that's a whole other story!)

keane2097

It's a reasonable concern IMO. Anybody who has ever been a drinker knows someone who would stay sober on a night out and relish the moment the following day when they could stroll up to you and say "Jesus you were in some mess last night" or "Do you remember telling me XYZ".

Like it or not, drinking is a form (in this country probably the main form) of escapism people have from the drudgery of everyday life, and having a sober person around you capable of watching (and more importantly recalling in detail) your every move shatters the illusion of the escape.

It might not be very nice, but people are entitled to feel that way.