Need to get along with future in-laws...

LegacyUser

Hey people. I've been with my girlfriend for just about 2 years now and I'm having a problem with my nerves around my girlfriends parents.
The thing is, I'm from a not so wealthy background, and her parents are fairly successful. I've been told by people and my girlfriend how her parents view people like me (coming from council house too). I get nervous around her parents. I try my best to be courteous, but while I'm at that, I'm practically shaking in my boots.
Her father doesn't acknowledge me neither, and it's him who I really want to create a relationship with. I respect the man, but I feel way way way inferior to him and often I'm not happy about being in her house and usually have to keep a "sketch" out for her parents.

It's tough. Should I just grow a pair of balls and man up? Take things on the chin and still continue being courteous.

I treat my girlfriend with so much respect and I love her dearly. I'm just terrified of her parents.

p.s. I'm in my early 20s.

Beruthiel

Girlfriends parents... wrote: »

I treat my girlfriend with so much respect and I love her dearly. I'm just terrified of her parents.

Because they are rich? You think the more money a man has that equates to his character?
There are plenty of rich assholes out there.
Money doesn't make the man.

Speaking as a parent myself, I expect my daughter to be treated with respect and care.
Having good manners and a moral code is the kind of thing that goes a long way with me. Someone having money doesn't impress me in the slightest.

This is all to do with how you view yourself.
You appear to have low self esteem and very little confidence. Work on that. Appreciate that if you have respect for people, ethics and a moral code, that is what makes a wo/man.

Sleepy

Most of the richest men in the world have come from poor or very ordinary backgrounds. Being from a "bad" area doesn't define you unless you let it and if it does in your girlfriends parents eyes, they're idiots. Be polite and remember their wealth doesn't define them any more than your lack of wealth defines you.

Manners maketh man far more than the clothes.

metrovelvet

You are without being aware of it buying into money makes a man's worth.

Continue to be courteous always, but you need to move out of perceiving yourself as beaneath them.

If they do hold the perspective that people claim they do, they really have nothing to be too proud of. Be embarrassed for them and pity them. The ignorant dont know what they do.

LegacyUser

Hey op,

I was in a very similar situation.

When I met my OH I was scared s***less by her family. They are a very well to do family and had high expectations for their little girl

I'm from a council estate (and proud of my background I might add) but the very first time I met them I did something very stupid. At some point in the conversation her dad was talking about a stabbing in a council estate the weekend before and he threw out the old favourite "sure what do you expect from a place like that, they're all the same!" I ended up just nodding and smiling and when he asked me where I was from later, I lied!! So stupid!

After that I resorted back to just being myself and we really hit it off. He's actually a lovely guy. Roll on the end of the night and it had gone so well he said, "no way are you getting a taxi, i'll drive you home!"

When we were in the car I was honest with him ( had to be now mind ) , told him where I lived and explained that I was embarrassed after his "they're all the same" comment but wouldnt normally do something like that because I was really proud of my family and where we were from. He just laughed at me... turns out he he was born and raised about 5 mins drive from my family home... in another council estate!!

5 years later we still joke about that conversation.

Just be yourself OP. You have nothing to be embarrassed about and as long as you treat his little girl well, he wont care where you are from, only where you are going! Best of luck

dixiefly

Girlfriends parents... wrote: »

Hey people. I've been with my girlfriend for just about 2 years now and I'm having a problem with my nerves around my girlfriends parents.
The thing is, I'm from a not so wealthy background, and her parents are fairly successful. I've been told by people and my girlfriend how her parents view people like me (coming from council house too). I get nervous around her parents. I try my best to be courteous, but while I'm at that, I'm practically shaking in my boots.
Her father doesn't acknowledge me neither, and it's him who I really want to create a relationship with. I respect the man, but I feel way way way inferior to him and often I'm not happy about being in her house and usually have to keep a "sketch" out for her parents.
It's tough. Should I just grow a pair of balls and man up? Take things on the chin and still continue being courteous.

I treat my girlfriend with so much respect and I love her dearly. I'm just terrified of her parents.

p.s. I'm in my early 20s.

I am not sure what you mean by "sketch" out??

Your relationship is with her. Try and make general conversation with the parents and try to demonstrate that you are a genuine guy and not a smartass & you should be ok with them.

LegacyUser

I have known people from council estates or good areas, poor and wealthy.
With all groups of people there are good, bad, decent or mean.
Some of the most decent people I know are not from great back rounds. Some have worked hard to get the good job, nice house, family, car ect.
When you are with her parents be polite, give thought full gifts and treat your girlfriend properly. If you are good at diy or painting offer to do this for her parents or help them do these jobs. Help her mother with the dishes. If your girlfriend has nieces and nephews take interest in them.
All of the above will show that you are decent and that is what parents want for there children.

Daisy M

Girlfriends parents... wrote: »

I respect the man,.

Why do you respect a man who doesnt even have the common courtesy to acknowledge you, he is the one who needs to earn your respect. What does your gf think? Surely she does not expect you to continue to visit their home when you are treated like a second rate citizen? I would advise you both to speak to her parents together as a couple let them know you dont like their behaviour and arent going to stand for it anymore, you dont need to deliver this in a confrontational way, more of a matter of fact this is the way things are way.
My husband is from a council estate and even though he hasnt lived there in more than 20yrs and has more than proved himself to be a decent person (as have many others who have lived and still live there) he still gets digs about where he is from, however these comments never have the desired effect as he usually just faces the comment head on and asks the person what it is they are trying to imply about him, his family and friends, this usually puts a halt to the conversation and a fair amount of back tracking and apolgies follow:).

lace

OP, think about the way you treat your girlfriend - the respect you show her, the love you have for her, all the little things you do for her. Think about the effort you're putting into impressing her parents and the respect you have for them. From what you wrote in your post, you sound like a loving, caring boyfriend and a respectful, well-mannered, intelligent human being.

The problem isn't that you're inferior because of where you come from, it's that you feel inferior because you simply don't think highly enough of yourself! Talk to your girlfriend about this and I'm sure she'll be able to tell you how great she thinks you are! I know it's hard to believe it and an awful lot of Irish people struggle with self-esteem and self-image, but you need to realize you're every bit as good as he is!

In fact, you're probably better seeing as he seems to be an absolute eejit! Anyone who judges people by where they come from/how much wealth they have etc. is a fool and you'd probably be better off simply not caring what he thinks of you. Saying that, I understand this is your girlfriend's family and you have to get along with them for her sake (and your own sanity).

Consider why he behaves like this. It may be that he's just playing the "snobby intimidating dad" act. My friend's father does this to all her boyfriends. He intimidates them from the first time they meet him and they spend the duration of the relationship feeling nervous/uncomfortable/inferior around him and trying really hard to be respectful and impress him (but usually end up messing it up because they're so nervous). Her latest boyfriend, however, was initially terrified but then just treated him like a peer, had the craic and was completely himself around him and her dad just let the act drop. The two get no great now!Try being yourself around him and getting to know him a little and see how it goes.

It may also be that he's actually a snobby eejit. In which case, he's always going to try to look down on you. If you think this is the case then you need to just remember that you're choosing to be the bigger man by continuing to be curteous towards him.

AnonoBoy

Just to point out that a lot of fathers are a bit distant with their daughter's boyfriends regardless of the socio-economic background.

You're sleeping with his little girl. It takes a lot of men a long time to come to terms with the fact that she's actually a young woman now and not a kid.

So keep on doing what you're doing. Be respectful and polite and keep treating her right. Eventually they'll soften towards you.