Partner struggling with separation

LegacyUser

Hi all,
I have been living in the same house as my husband that I have separated from.
The problem is that he can't handle that we are no longer together.
We have been together for 25 years and have kids, and I have tried several times in the past to end the relationship.
I haven't loved him for a long time now. I have had a lot of heart to hearts with him but he doesn't seem to get the message!
I've told him that the relationship has run it's course and we have different values in life. Our interests are totally opposite, views on raising the kids, what is important in life, I feel trapped!
The thing is that he sits around moping about how "I" have ended everything. Then he goes out with his mates, drinking golfing, which is his thing, and he seems happy.

What I'm trying to say is that I want him to do all the things he wants to do with his pals, but I want the space to move on with my life! He seems to accept the single life he has but expects me to feel guilty that i have ended things! At times he wants us to act like a married couple but I am gone beyond that at this stage.
It's all messing with my head!
Any advice how I can get through all this mess?
It's all very confusing!

Taltos

This

I have been living in the same house as my husband that I have separated from.

If you are separated and he is not getting it the only way then is to move out - either you or him.

Beruthiel

Trying to move on wrote: »

Hi all,
I have been living in the same house as my husband that I have separated from.

I tried this for a few months when I separated from my ex. It nearly drove us both mad.
It cannot be done. You cannot 100% move on from your ex while you still see them every day. It's a slow, mental torture.
Find somewhere else to live asap.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.
Yes it is mental torture for me!
I have tried several times to move out but he puts me on a guilt trip about having to sell the house etc. I have also suggested he move out, but he refuses and says it's his home too.
I feel at this stage that he seems happy to have me trapped here, I see the "poor me" side of him while he puts on a happy side for everyone else.

LegacyUser

Trying to move on wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.
Yes it is mental torture for me!
I have tried several times to move out but he puts me on a guilt trip about having to sell the house etc. I have also suggested he move out, but he refuses and says it's his home too.
I feel at this stage that he seems happy to have me trapped here, I see the "poor me" side of him while he puts on a happy side for everyone else.

Oh OP. You'll have to toughen up. Don't mind the martyr act he's giving you. You only get one life to live. You've got to break eggs to make omelettes.
I had to endure a similar situation years ago when I separated from a partner while we sold the house. It was torture. A half life.

The house will have to be sold. It's not your problem he won't accept it. You can't stay with someone out of pity or charity. The marriage is over. Bite the bullet and do it properly. He'll have to accept it soon enough when he it starts happening.

He's not going to make it easy for you so don't be waiting for that and forget about 'appearances' and who will look like the 'bad one'. It doesn't matter.

You can't live your life for appearances.

seenitall

Trying to move on wrote: »

I feel at this stage that he seems happy to have me trapped here, I see the "poor me" side of him while he puts on a happy side for everyone else.

Right, just be careful not to develop a "poor me" side to you yourself. With staying at any length in this head-wrecking, claustrophobic living situation, you are as good as inviting a pity party on yourself.

You don't owe this man to live in that house any more, it is now time to look out for number 1 and put a stop to letting yourself in for emotional blackmail or any other attempts at manipulating you.

If you don't finally start living your life on your terms by making your own choices and plans, and following through on them, no one else will do it for you. It will all remain a collosal waste of time - might as well go back to being "unseparated" in that case - I mean what's the difference, lack of a bedroom fumble and not doing his laundry? Or not even that?

Best wishes.

Fentdog84

Well I do have some sympathy for your husband/ex-husband. After 25 years, of course its going to be very difficult for him to accept and readjust. Ok you were unhappy and its something you wanted for a while but remember its always more difficult for the other person, the one who has been ''dumped'' so to speak. I think he is within his rights to stay in the house. The reality is it was your decision to end the relationship, so you should be the one to move out. Otherwise, he's never going to accept the reality that it is over for good.

LegacyUser

OP , I was in your Ex's shoes and I think you need to move out. He is within his rights not to sell the house. Why would he want half a house as a middle aged man? You want to start over with a new mortgage so that is your choice. Under the law he is protected and he doesn't have to sell the house if he doesn't want to. He got the house for his kids probably, and why should they lower their financial security because you want to be free?
It is your choice to start a new life, so why don't you move out?

Pandora2

Trying to move on wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.
Yes it is mental torture for me!
I have tried several times to move out but he puts me on a guilt trip about having to sell the house etc. I have also suggested he move out, but he refuses and says it's his home too.
I feel at this stage that he seems happy to have me trapped here, I see the "poor me" side of him while he puts on a happy side for everyone else.

Could not agree more! Are you still looking after the house, laundry, shopping, cooking etc? It might quite suit him to A. Make you feel guilty B. Benefit from the fruits of your labour. I would rather rent than be trapped in the half life you describe. I know that it is not always the most important consideration when a long term relationship breaks up but, how would you go about a new relationship in this scenario, it must be difficult...perhaps he is happier when you are where he can find you??

Taltos

Suggest that before you move out you immediately seek legal advice and start proceedings for a legal separation and a distribution of property/accounts etc.

But - either way - not meaning to be harsh - you both have to cop on here. You can't have it both ways - staying under the same roof is torture for one/both, but him acting like the victim - well it is not endearing at all - best you can feel is pity - but soon hate will follow...

This is not a situation either of you can allow to drag on - either financially or from an emotional standpoint - it all points to an unhealthy environment.

LegacyUser

Flowersofmay wrote: »

OP , I was in your Ex's shoes and I think you need to move out. He is within his rights not to sell the house. Why would he want half a house as a middle aged man? You want to start over with a new mortgage so that is your choice. Under the law he is protected and he doesn't have to sell the house if he doesn't want to. He got the house for his kids probably, and why should they lower their financial security because you want to be free?
It is your choice to start a new life, so why don't you move out?

Flowersofmay, let me first point you to my previous post below. I have tried several times to move out.
Also he did not provide the house for the kids, we both worked before the kids and had the house well in place between us.
I think you are talking about your own situation here, not mine.
At the end of the day I believe that my kids would be more secure if they had a happy mother, not living in a lovely house under horrible circumstances. They do not have a quality life right now, and it's my job to provide them with one.


Originally Posted by Trying to move on
Thanks for the replies.
Yes it is mental torture for me!
I have tried several times to move out but he puts me on a guilt trip about having to sell the house etc. I have also suggested he move out, but he refuses and says it's his home too.
I feel at this stage that he seems happy to have me trapped here, I see the "poor me" side of him while he puts on a happy side for everyone else.

Taltos

Trying to move on wrote: »

I have tried several times to move out.

I have tried several times to move out but he puts me on a guilt trip about having to sell the house etc.
I have also suggested he move out, but he refuses and says it's his home too.
I feel at this stage that he seems happy to have me trapped here, I see the "poor me" side of him while he puts on a happy side for everyone else.

OP - I am going to be blunt here. You need to cop on. All of the above is happening only because YOU are allowing it to happen. You are giving him your power as trite as that sounds.

Some steps.
1. Make a plan - ie move out by x date / sell the house / rent / whatever
2. Seek legal advice and review plan. Disclose ALL to your solictor no half truths.
3. Stick to plan (gotta do this)
4. STOP telling him what you are planning, stop engaging with him, stop even talking to him.

You are the one with all the control here but for some reason you are choosing not to use it. As a previous poster warned be careful you don't start repeating his ploy and start playing the martyr/victim.

Again sorry for being so blunt, but having seen a family member fuuter through this kind of crap I get annoyed at similar lack of action. At the end of the day you have to look out for yourself here - he is clearly only interested in himself not in you...

LegacyUser

Taltos, thank you for the kick in the ar** here, I was expecting a response of "try to make it work". Yes I do need to move out and move on, today I will begin that plan and I will not be telling him until it is done. You make a lot of sense, and by keeping him placated it is only doing more harm to my mental health. It is not all about just me falling out of love, I have been put through a lot of heartache over the years and I have reached the stage where I am just worn out from it all mentally.
I will keep you updated at a later stage WHEN I get sorted.
I just needed to write it out here and now I can see the problem is real.
Thanks to all of you for your responses.

LegacyUser

"Flowersofmay, let me first point you to my previous post below. I have tried several times to move out.
Also he did not provide the house for the kids, we both worked before the kids and had the house well in place between us.
I think you are talking about your own situation here, not mine."

Hi OP, I am not talking about my situation at all..I gave you some advice that is all.
Take it from someone many many years down the line after a separation and to be honest it looks like you want people to tell you what you want to hear.
Legal Fact: your husband can hold onto the house for years and years..that is what happens if one party choses their legal right not to sell.

You do not have to stick a bad marriage. If you have tried counselling and he hasn't changed then I sympathise with you. Then you go down the road of single parenting. Once you are happy to accept that there is a good possibilty that you may be single for a long time (assuming you are over 40) and that you may have to rent somewhere as he wants to retain the family home then you should get legal advice to start the process of separating.
Also I would advise you to think about what you want, and tell your husband in front of a counsellor or mediator why you are unhappy in the marriage. Mediators cost less than solicitors when separating.
Please don't delude yourself into thinking you will split everything 50/50 and that you will be remarried in a few years time.....very few middle aged divorces go that way.