Wan't to feel better about myself Again

LegacyUser

Hi. Regular poster here, but going unreg for this. Kind of on a rant here, so sorry for the long post.

Basically as the title suggest's I'm between happy and down at the moment and for the most part, it's down. I have bad luck in the relationship department recently and just to throw it in there, its not counselling I need really, I'm grand in that respect I just need some tips here and there, so all advice appreciated.

I've had some pretty lousy relationships, I'm in my early twenties so quite young I know but they've left me reeling for the past 3 years you could say. Though it is two relationships that have done this to me and I feel silly for writing this because I know there are worse things happening than this around me, but at the moment its very hard to even get beyond that.

The first relationship wasn't very long, but you could say it was my first real one, i liked the guy a lot, but he changed very quickly, became quite controlling, not in an obsessive way that I was blocked from going out or seeing people, but more so that he was always right about everything, and this will sound weird but when we were intimate, he would hold my hands together, and not let me move. I know that could be called domineering passion, but I didnt like, and he knew that as I called him on it a number of times. The relationship sort of then fizzled, he became distant and such, but the same old putting me down whenever he could and making me feel stupid when I know I'm not. Im not making excuses however, I should have ended it and I didn't. I thought I had strong feelings for him, and then out of the blue he dumped me by text. That hurt so badly, and I was a mess for a few months.

Then I met this guy on a night out who was amazing, a bit older than me, seemed decent, seemed into me after a few meetups and dates. I was happy to find someone who I clicked with intellectually, who made me laugh and who didnt put me down. Things were grand until complications arose with him and his ex arrived on the scene then, and when we parted ways for the summer, I had a feeling he was sleeping with other girls, which he was, we werent official. We arranged to meet up, but he was a no show, appologised after, but things changed after that. When I asked him one day to take things further, he said he didnt feel the same. I was upset but I accepted it and I moved on, got on with my life, missed him but was happy enough, went out with the girls. Fast forward a few months and he makes contact, he wants to meet, we resume an intimate relationship, everything but the title so to speak. He seemed a lot more into me, but the same problems arose that he was very forward speaking about sexual things like girls he had been with or asking me questions that were very sexually explicit. Im not a prude by any means, but it was a bit much.

I thought things had improved as we could talk about anything, had a good time, but he didnt want a relationship. Simple fact this guy wasnt into me enough to be my boyfriend, he wanted everything but the title, though his actions were somewhat different, I noticed coming up to and after the new year he was a lot closer, texting me more, asked me out into town, it seemed better. So I attempted the relationship question once more but failed miserably, I got back that he liked me very much, but he didnt see himself in a relationship for very long time. I accepted it and moved on and ended all contact, he contacted me again soon after, and the confusion just escalated, there was no more imtimate moments but I would stay over at this, and we would talk for ages about anything and everything, usually me comforting him about any stresses he had but we generally had a laugh. Anyway it all came to a head again, he was down one night and I just said how it was hard for me to hang around this way considering everything, well basically said I had to move on and cut contact, he begged me not to go, that could we remain as friends, and I said no. That it was too hard, I contacted him later that day to say I hadnt changed my mind. But that was the last I heard of him. After a full year of uncertainty with him, Its been two months now nearly and we havent talked.

I know Im better off without him, but Im none the better for it. Again another relationship that really hit me in the heartstrings and I feel terribly down because of it. Im not down because of the ending of the relationship as such. I know I deserve someone who loves me properly. Its moreso the pain that Im experiencing right now from everything Ive gone through in the last 3 years from it, I think Im exhausted and hurt. Im no angel but I give everything I can, I try to be honest, and decent, Ive never been clingy, always given the space they need as I myself love nights out with my friends and so forth.

Id love to be the person I was before I went out with either of these guys, the happy go lucky single girl who didn't care what anyone thought and didn't let any knock set her back. But ever since this when I go out, I feel down, and its nothing to do with drink either, but often I see couples and I feel sad, not jealous, just sad. Then when Im at home, I feel tears coming on me, and I just cry for a few mins, pick myself up and get on with it. But its worrying me, the randomness of these tears, in the last two days Ive cried twice alone in my room. I have good friends and an excellent best friend, but Ive already exhausted her ears with the break up when it was happening and I cant do that to her again, she has her own issues at the moment, not to mention she's met someone great and she's happy and Im happy for her.

I guess what I'm looking for is tipps how do I get myself back together again. I dont want counselling as simple as that. Im not comfortable with it. But does anyone have any advice to make getting up in the morning that little bit better and hopeful. much appreciated

neveah

Hey OP, you are still quite young and it sounds like you didn't have a great experience with these two guys. It does hurt when someone f**ks you around especially when you have strong feelings for them. I don't think there is a straight forward way to 'cure' yourself from your feelings at the moment, sounds like a cliche but it does take time. Just keep yourself occupied, spend time with your friends, get a new hobby.

The fact is you have learned valuable lessons from these two relationship experiences. You now know you don't want a controlling, domineering man who put you down like your first boyfriend. You will recognise the signs of these traits in any future potential boyfriend and you will cut it off before it gets serious.

You know you want a loving equal relationship and the next time a guy tells you that this is not what he's looking for then you will walk away because you know what will happen if you don't.

What you've been through is all about growing up, maturing, knowing what you want for yourself and what you want and need from a partner.
As they say what doesn't kill you will make you stronger and just to throw in another one, you have to kiss many frogs before you find your prince

It will get better, keep your chin up OP

tbh

+1 in the "you're still learning" camp. Look, if you had to pick a food you had to eat everyday for the rest of your life, you wouldn't pick the first one that was served up to you. You have to learn what you will accept in a relationship, and what you won't - this is what these relationships are teaching you. You can't see it now because you don't have the perspective that time brings, but in time, I promise you, you'll be struggling to remember these guys last names.