Timely life advice

LegacyUser

Just looking for some opinions on this. To be honest I'd rather you only gave me some feedback if you've lived a bit in your life, had a few relationships, partied hard etc. Apologies for the rambling but this probably requires a few months in therapy. I make no pretensions about being a good person but I do want my life to work out which will hopefully reduce the harm I might cause.

So I have broken up a while now from a long term girl. She is/was great but just not quite there and it drove me nuts for quite a while. After 7.5 years I just had a feeling that there was somebody better out there for me. After about 2-3 years I started cheating on her and that has pretty much gone on since. ,So the main issues in bullet form

-Partners are never going to be equal but one problem was me being better looking, smarter, more cultured and more interesting than her. She was definitely a nicer person than me and that counts for a lot. I appreciate all those qualities mentioned in a person so it started to wear me down and I started to fantasise about others. She didnt make enough effort to dress sexy or see herself as an equal which only reinforced the problems.
- Is it worth pursuing a perfect relationship or will you always be left dissapointed. How do you tell the difference between somebody being enough despite the slight problems and for them just not being right for you. I know many people persevere with relationships and that might work to their benefit or they might be left eternally unhappy just like the person who chases the perfect relationship will always be unhappy. Its a tough one.
-If a girl is enough for you will you never want to cheat on her? If you are cheating then that is a sign that she is not right or its a sign that you are just a cheater full stop. (probably the latter but I hope not)

Sorry for sound like a bell end but no point in lying here to strangers.

C-J

Sounds like she's well rid of ya.

foxinsox

I don't think there is such a thing as a "perfect relationship".

Just a relationship that is perfect for you.

If you were cheating on your ex, then it doesn't seem like it was a perfect relationship for you or very happy for either of you.

But in saying that, if you think that cheating is the norm in a relationship, you will never have what you think is a "perfect relationship". If you know what I mean.

It sounds to me a bit like you are over analysing it all, if you are in a happy relationship, you should be happy with them and be happy yourself and not need to go elsewhere.

You may find what you are looking for but maybe have a look at yourself and see what other people might be attracted to in you.

Best of luck.

A19B1C12

From an 18 year old.

Stop being so pretentious. If anything from the sound of this she's smarter, more cultured, more interesting and definitely nicer than you.

And in a relationship there is no such thing as 'better looking', maybe to outsiders, but relationships are based on mutual attraction and honesty.

By the way it's fine to be confident but not think you're better than you're partner. That'll soon become apparent and they'll want nothing more to do with you.

There's some advice.

I am a friend

problemman wrote: »

She is/was great but just not quite there

Oh, I blame the Irish Mammy for the massive ego's :rolleyes:

Well if she is a nice person she IS THERE. Anyone can read a book and regurgitate it to sound good. As for her not dressily sexily enough...... I give up.

You are not 'quite there' cos you cheated on her for 4 years. The best thing you could do now is tell her all so she can have STI tests done because, as you know yourself, certain STI's can damage womens fertility and she may wish to have kids in the future in a different (healthy) relationship. Then let her go.

BTW, nicer is harder to find than book smart but then again she was not your equal :rolleyes: on so many levels you have had a lucky escape (sic).....

Curry Addict

problemman wrote: »

-Partners are never going to be equal but one problem was me being better looking, smarter, more cultured and more interesting than her.I appreciate all those qualities mentioned in a person so it started to wear me down and I started to fantasise about others.

i think you need to re think your values. what you quote above, are not values that will nurture a good relationship. for someone who values being smart, i would wonder if you are just looking at your own perceived smartness with blinkered eyes, people are smart in different ways.

having a great relationship is something that is founded in very solid principles. for example, bringing the best out in your partner.
a deep understanding of your partners needs and providing these unconditionally.
being able to connect with you partner on a deep emotional level.

i could go on and on but i will give you something to ponder.... we are all equal and should be treated so. you or nobody is better than anyone else.

i would recommend you read some books on relationships and self development to help broaden your perspective.

LegacyUser

OP. As someone who has also had long term relationships i don't know the answer to your questions. Other people who make it work obviously have a partner that is more suited to them or otherwise they overlook the problems, don't overanalyze and don't expect things to be perfect. I don't know the answer but I do think that if you find yourself in another relationship where you feel that the other person isn't good enough for you then you should also finish that one. You need to feel the person deserves you but also, they deserve to treated as an equal.

shellyboo

Jeepers lads, no need to lynch the dude for being honest. He's only expressing his preferences, which isn't a crime.

Cheating on her and leading her on, however, is pretty cruel, OP. Good for you for breaking up with her, albeit eventually. Sounds to me like your standards are fairly high -- you're probably making things quite difficult for yourself on the relationship front. Perhaps there's an element of permissiveness in your attitude as well? As in "well this girl's not good enough for me anyway, so no harm to cheat on her?" That's fairly callous, as I'm sure you can see yourself.

However, if you're going to pursue the "perfect" relationship, this is going to keep happening. Nobody but nobody is perfect, and no relationship is perfect either. So you're always going to have that inner excuse of "this girl isn't perfect", something you can use to excuse your cheating. And unless you and your partner are interested in having an open relationship, that's not going to work for either of you.

As for your final question -- for some people, one monogamous partner is never enough. Some people aren't built for monogamy. Unfortunately for those people, monogamy is fairly dominant in our culture and you'd be hard pressed to find a partner who's willing to 'share' you as it were.

Perhaps you should take some time off from relationships to figure out what it is that you want. If monogamy is what you want, you're going to need to make some personal changes in your attitude towards others; as well as your attitude towards relationships.

Beruthiel

problemman wrote: »

-Partners are never going to be equal but one problem was me being better looking, smarter, more cultured and more interesting than her.

Are you trolling? Nobody could be that egotistical, could they?

If you expect to find 100% perfection in a relationship, then you're going to die still disappointed.
We are all human, with all the faults that come with that. You are no exception to this and also have faults.
The trick is to find someone who you care about and who's faults are worth living with because of your love for them.
Life isn't a Hollywood film.

acwxx

'The Gap' is the space between where you are now and where you feel that you ought to be (or in your case, who you should be with) Very few reach the other side and most fall into the gap and end up with nothing. You may keep moving forward only to realise that you have left the best person for you and you can never return.

Mind the Gap.

temply

C-J wrote: »

Sounds like she's well rid of ya.

totes