getting it somewhere else???

cocokay

hi all. wanting some advice - with my partner 5 yrs now and our sex life is nonexistant. he always had a v high sex drive & while he does not act differently or do anything to make me suspicious i am wondering if hes not getting it at home is he getting it somewhere else? he tells me he loves me and i'm beautiful etc but its wearing a bit thin now. feel v undesirable & it puts me off making the first move as i am scared of rejection now at this stage.
he knows i would like to get married as well but do u think after 5 yrs (i am 33 he is 31) if he hasn't asked me by now, that hes never going to?

You need to be having both those conversations with him, not us. Seriously. Doesn't bode well for marriage plans if you are at this already

rainbow kirby

Moved from tLL to RI.

gypsy_rose

If you have no evidence of him cheating besides his low sex drive I wouldn't accuse him, the fact that he isn't trying to have sex with you at all would suggest that's it's just gone down or that something is bothering him, you won't find out till you sit him down and have a talk about it.

Miss Fluff

Agree with Bluewolf, this is a conversation you really need to be having with your partner.

Why you'd want to push for marriage when your relationship is evidently in trouble is beyond me.

Sort out these fundamental issues out first.

Zen65

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Sort out these fundamental issues out first.

+1

Consolidating a troubled relationship into a troubled marriage is a poor strategy. As others have said, this is something you both need to talk about seriously, and get to the heart of the matter. There could be all sorts of reasons why he is not looking for sex anymore.

What was the pattern previously, did he always initiate or did you both initiate equally? Has he ever actually said "no" to you when you tried to initiate? If you've always left it to him to initiate then he may well be tired of "begging" (as he might see it) for sex and may simply want you to initiate, to show you share the same desires.

Be at peace,

Z

I am a friend

Do you live together? Have you discussed the future?

cocokay

yes we have lived together since about 8 months into the relationship and even if we didn't have sex we would do "other stuff". things dwindled about 2 yrs ago but are basically non-existant now. he talks about the future as if we will always be together "when we have kids..." "when we retire..."
i am not pushing for marriage, that was more a separate question, as in if we're together this long and he hasn't asked by now (even if we were swinging from the lightbulbs every night) and we are in our early 30's, its probably not likely he is ever going to propose?
he knows i want to get married especially if we have children. i am not a naggy pushy girlfriend, am very easy going but feel i he is just taking the p at this stage. i used to initiate, yes, and dress up etc, but when the "i'm tired" excuses started coming or when he kept staying up to watch tv or read instead of coming to bed with me i felt rejected so don't really bother anymore. i used to sext him a lot and basically say i'm up for it 2nt but then he'd go out for drinks after work, or have to call to his mother or just not want to go to bed the same time as me...
God this sounds so awful writing it all down, guess there isn't a lot of hope for us at all when you put it all out there like that

Lucyx

is he happy in his job? could something else be on his mind?

if he's being distant then you need to properly talk to him as he is keeping something major from you.

Zen65

cocokay wrote: »

God this sounds so awful writing it all down, guess there isn't a lot of hope for us at all when you put it all out there like that

I'm sure it is upsetting for you, but you are still young enough to take action. If this relationship is going nowhere then you don't have to continue on the path with it.

But an honest discussion with him may clear the air. You deserve to know if this is how he wants things to be, or whether there is some issue going on in his head which has stopped his physical interest in you.


Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser

cocokay wrote: »

yes we have lived together since about 8 months into the relationship and even if we didn't have sex we would do "other stuff". things dwindled about 2 yrs ago but are basically non-existant now. he talks about the future as if we will always be together "when we have kids..." "when we retire..."
i am not pushing for marriage, that was more a separate question, as in if we're together this long and he hasn't asked by now (even if we were swinging from the lightbulbs every night) and we are in our early 30's, its probably not likely he is ever going to propose?
he knows i want to get married especially if we have children. i am not a naggy pushy girlfriend, am very easy going but feel i he is just taking the p at this stage. i used to initiate, yes, and dress up etc, but when the "i'm tired" excuses started coming or when he kept staying up to watch tv or read instead of coming to bed with me i felt rejected so don't really bother anymore. i used to sext him a lot and basically say i'm up for it 2nt but then he'd go out for drinks after work, or have to call to his mother or just not want to go to bed the same time as me...
God this sounds so awful writing it all down, guess there isn't a lot of hope for us at all when you put it all out there like that

Cocokay, maybe he's been avoiding having sex because he's having trouble with it? If a man starts getting afraid of being able to make love to his girlfriend, he can end up making excuses to avoid it. It may not be rejection of you at all.

I am a friend

Op, has your appearance changed much since ye met originally?

Motley Crue

OP, you need to talk to him, not us. But good luck.

cocokay

i would have been a size 10-12 when we got together and am a 14 now but taking steps to lose weight atm. that has crossed my mind a lot so now am losing confidence in my looks too because i put on weight, although he has as well. i have no trouble attracting attention from other guys when i am out with friends, in fact at this stage i am almost relieved if someone tries to chat me up as its sort of "proof" that i haven't let myself go that much.
my job is more stressful than his & hes never had problems in that area before. but you're right i will just have to sit down and talk to him. although i've tried before, either by gentle suggestion or blatantly coming out and saying "... we have to get our sex life back on track" and he always agrees and tells me he loves me! such conflicting signals.

Miss Fluff

cocokay wrote: »

i would have been a size 10-12 when we got together and am a 14 now but taking steps to lose weight atm.

I'd ask him straight out if this is the issue. You might not necessarily like the answer he gives you but if his loss in libido is directly linked to your weight gain then at least you know that this is something that can be changed.

Knowledge is power and all that.

I think you need to sit down with him and ask him for honest answers. At least then you can start looking forward then rather than living in the non-communicative sexless bubble which you inhabit now.

cocokay

thanks to all for ur replies. i've asked him before if the problem is that he doesn't fancy me any more because i put on weight and he said no he still does and that i'm beautiful/pretty and that hes just tired!! at this stage even if it hurt my feelings i'd rather he had the balls to say yep, sorry ur a porker and thats why i'm not interested anymore than lie to my face!

I am a friend

cocokay wrote: »

i would have been a size 10-12 when we got together and am a 14 now

Ok well done on taking it in hand. I guess it all depends on what height you are. I am just over 5 foot so from 10 to 14 would be a drastic change in my appearance...

Do talk to him and tell him about you needing attention from other guys to make you feel good. This is not on....

Only seeing your post now...

He needs to give you a straigh answer no matter what it is... You are only flatmates if there is no sex involved..

ibarelycare

OP if he's not going to talk to you about this, maybe you should suggest counselling for you both. There are obviously big issues here.

If he refuses to go to counselling and still just says he's "tired" all the time then you need to ask yourself is this what you want for the rest of your life? After two years of this, he's not just going to snap out of it.

I've no doubt that he loves you, but if I were you I'd give him an ultimatum. Tell him he needs to either talk to you about your sex life or go to counselling, or else you're gone.

cocokay

i did actually suggest counselling before and he totally clammed up so i just left it. he is a total "sweep it under the carpet" kind of guy - we can never have a proper get-it-all out argument, he stands looking at the floor and i am left feeling like a mother giving out to her naughty child. so i guess i let a lot of stuff go. but you are all right, this is not what i want for my life, i am still young (ish!) and if he doesn't want me there are plenty of guys who would!
i'm 5 foot 8 , so not sure, is a dress n a half size up ginormous in that case? i have no problem with his weight gain, and even if i lost the weight & he suddenly fancied me again it doesn't bode well for the future does it, if i were to have kids etc, its only natural to gain some weight. i'd understand if i'd put on 3 stone but theres more to love than what the person looks like, i would be quite shocked to find hes that shallow after all this time!
thanks again for all the advice x

miec

Hi Op

Okay to start first with the weight issue - there is none, at 5ft 8, and at your size you are still slim. I don't think that is the issue and to be honest it is deeply unfair for others to suggest that, so I hope you can drop that one.

I have been in your position and it is painful. You question your looks etc but the issue is actually with your partner but how to get him talking... well with hindsight I realise the best way to tackle this is by saying some of the following:

Hey (partner's name) it is beginning to really bother me that we do not have intimacy / sex/ make love.

Now he would probably say to you yeah but I love you, I find you attractive, blah blah blah but I get tired/ sick / ill etc (or any other excuse), he is saying these things to get you to back off and to date they have worked but you are still living with the frustration / sense of rejection, well this is where you need to really let him understand how it is impacting you:

You could say, well I apppreciate that you say you find me attractive but I find it hard / difficult that you do not show your attraction towards me, I feel unwanted / lonely because we have little / no intimacy. I would like us to have more intimacy, etc.

Do you get where I am going with this, you are not attacking him by saying you this or you that (that was the mistake I made in the past) what I am suggesting is you telling him ' I feel this, I feel that'. He cannot really argue with that and hopefully he should hear your feelings in this (there is no guarantee but a hope / aim). I hope this helps op but please do not blame yourself, this is a problem in your other half and right now he does not want to deal with it and unless you want a sexless future forever, you need to deal with this now and so does he.

I am a friend

miec wrote: »

Hi Op

Okay to start first with the weight issue - there is none, at 5ft 8, and at your size you are still slim. I don't think that is the issue and to be honest it is deeply unfair for others to suggest that, so I hope you can drop that he.

Who is suggesting she Is not slim? She didnt state her height in the first Post and if you read mine there is nothing 'deeply unfair' in the post at all.

If she had put on weight at my height it may be an issue for him so I was dealing with the facts in hand at the time I Posted.