She's breaking up with me

LegacyUser

Some backstory - I'm a 25 year old male who has been suffering from a depression and bad anxiety for the past 2 years or so. Recently I've been seeing this amazing 20 year old for the past two months. For the past few weeks, I've been having a terrible, terrible time because of college and other stresses and last night everything came to a head and got so much worse - I began to feel like I haven't in a year.. just so so bad. Unfortunately she was there to see it and she has also been stressed with exams.

Earlier on I went to the doctors finally and got myself prescribed some anti-depressants, which I have started taking today.

Yet she has said that she can't handle the emotional stress and will be breaking up with me. I think I've convinced her to meet me next week, as the whole conversation was carried out via Facebook (which I despise), so that if she were to break up with me it'd be done right.

I have been told that these pills should show signs of effect in about a week and I've told her that if I haven't started to feel any better at all, then she can do it.

The pills must be working. I don't feel sad, or angry, just .. kinda numb.

Chinafoot

Oh-No wrote: »

I have been told that these pills should show signs of effect in about a week and I've told her that if I haven't started to feel any better at all, then she can do it.

OP, I'm very sorry to hear about your depression but I have to be honest and say that you don't get to decide when this girl ends your relationship if she wants out.

She's 20 years old and you've only been together for 2 months. It sounds like she has been very honest with you, although I do agree that Facebook was not the place for such a conversation. I appreciate that you want to be with her and it sucks that she doesn't feel capable of dealing with your depression, but you can't try to guilt her in staying with you. I'm not saying that was your intention and I get that you just wanted her to wait until things hopefully improve with your meds, but it could be seen as putting pressure on her.

If your depression is that bad and you have only started taking medication now, perhaps you should spend some time focusing on yourself instead of a relationship. It doesn't sound like either of you are ready for this.

LegacyUser

I just hate that it happened over Facebook. That is no way to end a relationship. I've been feeling sick for a period of time tonight. I hate this and I don't know what to do.

thefeatheredcat

I have been in a very similar situation OP, so I hope you're doing alright. Don't beat yourself up about all this ok.

tbh I wouldn't worry or stress yourself over it as it could stress yourself further and make yourself feel worse. So I say to you, surround yourself with people who do really care about you and that can offer you comfort and understanding and be your support and focus on getting yourself help and think/read/watch as many positive things that you can find (I recommend you look up google's jolly good fellow Meng).

It sometimes takes very strong people to be able to manage their stresses and pressures and those of others too, and at times, not everyone is in a position to offer this even if the wish and emotion is there to do so.

And I would say, breaking up with someone in any fashion that does not offer closure through a face to face meeting always reeks of cowardice imo, and that's from being dumped via the best friend, by text, by email and by IM.

Focus on yourself for now as your priority as you and your well being are your highest priority here and concentrate on positive things and what you want out of life.

Put her and the whole situation out of your mind and focus on more positive things

Susie_Q

Oh-No wrote: »

I just hate that it happened over Facebook. That is no way to end a relationship. I've been feeling sick for a period of time tonight. I hate this and I don't know what to do.

In fairness, if all this happened over facebook then there couldn't have been much of a relationship there to lose. Focus on yourself and let it go.

thecookingapple

Your not going to like what i have to say, but here goes, let her go, she is 20 yrs old, has her own things to do.

as for you, what you suffer from is obviously horrible and life challenging, but really you need to get your own life on track and in some way try to get a regular routine going and to feel good about yourself and your own esteem before expecting a relationship with someone else, you can overcome this and your other problems by having the time to fix yourself and then go forth, it will not be healthy to involve a 20 yr old who hardly knows you and expect her to understand, in the long run you will be no good for her in your present state of mind and she will not be good for you.


Good luck and i hope you feel alot better soon.

LegacyUser

It's starting to hit me a bit now, just what has happened. I hate that this has ruined what was a once perfectly good relationship. Still don't know why she did it over Facebook, but I'm meeting her next week at some point to talk about it. I hope.

LegacyUser

Last night was hard. I kept dreaming that we were fine, that we were getting on as normal and were as happy as we were, or at least as we seemed to be.

I think I have high anxiety now and finding it hard to go back to sleep. Hopefully soon.

G86

It's not ruined, you never know what might happen down the line, but for now you need to let her go. She's told you she can't deal with it, and unfortunately some people just can't. The last thing you need are the added ups and downs of a new relationship to deal with on top of your depression, it's not going to help. Depression over amplifies everything; what if you're having a really good week, and then something happens and you have a fight - within minutes you'll be falling down that hole and back to square one. She'll feel horrible for making you feel that way, and you'll feel horrible for making her feel guilty.

You need to think about yourself right now, it's going to be hard enough to make sure you're ok without worrying about how it's affecting her, sometimes you have to be selfish to be kind.

LegacyUser

I just don't want to go back to being single and being alone.

The horrible thing is that the depression didn't affect me much during this relationship - it was a few small bad times, but this was brought on more by external stresses than what was happening between us. I just don't want it to win. I want to continue taking the pills, work on the other aspects of my life and show her I can return to a sense of normality. College is over, those other stresses that were there are gone. I can now begin to focus on getting everything else back on track.

I just don't want us to finish like that because of this. Everything else was great - I was good to her; I made her things, cooked for her, brought her out to dinner. I was a good boyfriend.

Ickle Magoo

OP,

Relationships aren't built on how nice people are or what they, they are built on attraction and with the best will in the world we cannot make other people attracted to us in sufficient quantities to make a relationship. We cannot buy love, we cannot push love, we cannot force love. We can only be ourselves and hope that with the right person, at the right time, love will happen for us.

Your relationship was only eight weeks old and it doesn't sound like much fun from her perspective, you must see that. You sound like you need to spend some quality time on yourself and getting your head into the right place to have a relationship. Not liking being alone or single is not a good enough reason to have a relationship - there also has to be all the other dynamics that make a relationship work and if they aren't there, on either side, then it's not a relationship worth having.

I think you need to get your family and friends around you and get yourself feeling a whole heap better before you get involved in the emotional roller-coaster of a relationship.

All the best.

LegacyUser

The thing is that my depression didn't affect me much throughout the relationship. Everything was fine, up until there were external factors like project deadlines, the biggest presentation of my life so far, and other such events, which triggered an exhaustion and then made everything else just so much worse. She was happy with me, I could see that.

I think a lot of it was down to her. She didn't feel ready for the feelings she was having for me, particularly when we cuddled. I wouldn't do anything intentionally to provoke this. She told me it was getting too intense too soon, when I was taking each day at a time and not doing anything to make it more intense.

Ickle Magoo

Well you say you've been going out for two months and having a terrible time of it for the past few weeks - that a fair chunk out of what should be the carefree, happy times in a new relationship.

I think you are over-thinking things. It was just a couple of months, put it down to experience and move on.

LegacyUser

We were talking since January, seeing each other since February and a couple since March. It was a hard few weeks, but I didn't let it bother me or bother our relationship. It was only when things came to a head for me on Thursday night that she saw me at my worst.

I just hate that this thing is determining my life. If I let it control me, if I let it decide what I do, then it's winning. I need to control it and I was. I overthink too much, way too much. It's been the bane of my life.

The worst part is that she broke up with me the day I was starting to turn things around.

LegacyUser

You cannot force this girl into a relationship just because you want to prove something to yourself. She says she wants out and you have to respect that. My best guess is you are going to try "win her back" if you meet next week. That is just unfair and you'll only be placing unnecessary guilt on her.
I've been in a similar situation before and it was really stressful for both of us. Its horrible what you are going through but you need this time to work on yourself. You cannot focus on getting yourself better if you are in a relationship and trying to focus on someone else too. Best of luck

Chinafoot

Oh-No wrote: »

She told me it was getting too intense too soon, when I was taking each day at a time and not doing anything to make it more intense.

OP, just going on what you have written here you come across as incredibly intense. This is an extreme reaction to the end of a very short relationship. If that doesn't scream intense I don't what does. She wasn't ready for this and tbh it doesn't sound like you are either. Not wanting this relationship to end because you don't want to be single again is the wrong reason to stay in a relationship. In order for you to ensure your depression doesn't "win" you need to start working on yourself. Clinging on to a relationship that she doesn't want to be in and you aren't ready for isn't going to beat your illnes.

You're blaming the external pressures of college etc, but now that college is over there will be other external things that will affect you. Life is full of tough situations, decisions and stresses. You need to get some help so you can deal with these pressures. Have you been seeing a counsellor? I would strongly suggest some form of therapy and not simply a reliance on your medication.

Also OP, the fact that she ended it over Facebook shows that she's not very mature and as such definitely wouldn't be able to handle this relationship.

thefeatheredcat

Oh-No wrote: »

The horrible thing is that the depression didn't affect me much during this relationship - it was a few small bad times, but this was brought on more by external stresses than what was happening between us. I just don't want it to win. I want to continue taking the pills, work on the other aspects of my life and show her I can return to a sense of normality. College is over, those other stresses that were there are gone. I can now begin to focus on getting everything else back on track.

I just don't want us to finish like that because of this. Everything else was great - I was good to her; I made her things, cooked for her, brought her out to dinner. I was a good boyfriend.

It's unfortunate that she choose to end things over FB of all things, but that was her decision to take that course of action, regardless of how you may feel about it.

Your main focus should be taking the medication and doing the best that you can for you and return to a sense of normality for yourself. Showing her that you can cope will be a wasted effort on your part if it is for her that you are doing it, simply because you have nothing to prove to her and nothing to gain in seeking validation or acceptance from her in your returning to a sense of normality.

Oh-No wrote: »

We were talking since January, seeing each other since February and a couple since March. It was a hard few weeks, but I didn't let it bother me or bother our relationship. It was only when things came to a head for me on Thursday night that she saw me at my worst.

I just hate that this thing is determining my life. If I let it control me, if I let it decide what I do, then it's winning. I need to control it and I was. I overthink too much, way too much. It's been the bane of my life.

The worst part is that she broke up with me the day I was starting to turn things around.

Stress can take a lot out of a person, even the strongest of people used to being under pressure and stresses. However, it seems more of a case of bad timing on both sides to start into a relationship and nobody is to blame for that because that's part of life and so too are feelings, and you can't help the way you feel.

The fact that she saw you at your worst is unfortunate... however, given the short length of time of your relationship, the intensity of everything on both sides (between both having stresses, deadlines and pressures plus emotions thrown on top where the degree and intensity for each person is different) didn't really help things.


So I would still say just focus on yourself, put her and the whole situation out of your mind and life because even if you could show her that you are coping, managing and turning things around, she might not want to deal with the uncertainty of it, or having to deal with emotions she is not ready for. Focusing on her and what happened will be letting it all control you, so you are better just to put her out of mind completely, focus on yourself and then when you are back to yourself, enjoy meeting new people and having new relationships.