Is there such a thing as been too nice!!!!

Rebel Boy

Hey guys.

I'm just wondering do people think there is a point when your to nice to someone you like?? I've dated a few women in recent years and a few of them said I was too nice and didn't want to go any further as a result. It amazes me cause I be's thinking to myself if I wasn't good to them what would they think then? I don't think I come across as been too nice I just like to respect the person and make sure she's comfy etc cause as we all know 1st dates can be very awkward. Any useful info would be greatly appericated.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I think if a woman says she doesn't want to continue because a man is too nice then IMO she has serious issues of her own. As a woman I have heard women say their BF was too nice ,but to be honest the girls had low self esteem and went from bad guy to bad guy for years.

It could be that you are attracted to a type of woman who has low self worth..there are lots of girls out there who would love to meet a nice guy!

Being too nice is either a general fobbing-off line, or it means you're boring or fawning over them too much. It has nothing to do with actually being nice.

Fentdog84

Rebel Boy wrote: »

Hey guys.

I'm just wondering do people think there is a point when your to nice to someone you like?? I've dated a few women in recent years and a few of them said I was too nice and didn't want to go any further as a result. It amazes me cause I be's thinking to myself if I wasn't good to them what would they think then? I don't think I come across as been too nice I just like to respect the person and make sure she's comfy etc cause as we all know 1st dates can be very awkward. Any useful info would be greatly appericated.

Yes there is such a thing..getting her coat, asking her if she's ok, making sure she's warm and comfortable etc thats fine..if you're out for tea with your grandma!
But on a date you want to create a spark, a bit of a tension, subtley. Leave a bit of mystery about yourself, dont tell her your life story on the first date, dont declare your feelings or get too heavy early on in the relationship. Show that you can be spontaneous. A lot of women find ultra nice guys boring, like health food, they know they should be eating it and its better for you but it dosent get your pulse racing. Im not saying be nasty or anything of the sort, but if thats what the girls who you have been out with have been telling you, perhaps you should work on changing your approach. Hope that helps

LegacyUser

OP, as folks have mentioned above, "too nice" in this context is usually a euphemism for "unassertive"/"a doormat", etc. And yeah, most women find that kind of thing pretty unattractive, in my experience.

gerryk

bluewolf wrote: »

Being too nice is either a general fobbing-off line, or it means you're boring or fawning over them too much. It has nothing to do with actually being nice.

Totally this. Too nice is code for clingy or needy.
It's important to show that you have a life and interests of your own.

IrishEyes19

Can you give examples OP, as in have you been overly worrying or clingy in the past. Just a thought.

There's no such thing as too nice. There is such thing as saying "too nice" when you mean "annoyingly agreeable/clingy".

Making someone feel comfortable is good. Trying to make someone feel at ease is good. Agreeing with everything the other person says, fawning over them, constantly asking are they ok, making them feel like they're under some sort of spotlight, being so "nice" that they have to make all the decisions, steer all the conversation, is not good. It is however something that would euphemistically be described as "too nice".

thecookingapple

Be nice, Be respectful and be yourself, if this is not good enough for some girls it will be for others.

LegacyUser

I went out with a guy who was 'too nice'. I'm still in touch (15 years later) and he is genuinely a really nice guy, but he did everything for me. I mean, he opened doors, cooked breakfast/lunch/dinner and cleaned up afterwards, ironed my clothes and even sewed the hem on a skirt once! I found it very difficult to be in that situation.

I could see myself losing all respect for him and walking all over him and the worst was I felt like a bitch for wanting to break up with him. But him, being the ultra-nice guy he was, sensed I wasn't totally in the relationship and ended it. I still like him as a person, but he is frequently taken advantage of and has been single for a number of years. It's such a shame as he's such a lovely guy. I don't know if you can relate to this or not, but yes, you can be too nice, and it isn't always the case that a girl is saying it to you to fob you off.

Rebel Boy

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

Can you give examples OP, as in have you been overly worrying or clingy in the past. Just a thought.

Well I don't think I was ever clingy. In the past when I was dating women I always offered to pay for things like cinema, drinks and so on but was told if a woman wants to pay for something for you both, let her and I have listened to that advice. People have told me as well to just be my self and most of the time I am and even that isnt good enough at the best of times.

Beruthiel

Rebel Boy wrote: »

I've dated a few women in recent years and a few of them said I was too nice and didn't want to go any further as a result.

That's a bullsh!t excuse and just a way of letting you down gently as they would rather not give the real reason and hurt you unnecessarily.
There is no such thing as being too nice.
btw - being nice doesn't mean you have to be a doormat.

LegacyUser

unfortunately the expression 'nice guys finish last' has an amount of truth in it...there such thing as being too nice. its a strange catch 22 & you have to balance being a cool cat with not being a prick or you could become unattractive as there is no challenge for the girl anymore, she has completely won over your affection....this doesnt apply as much when you are goin out a while but initially definitely imo...

John400

simplestuff wrote: »

unfortunately the expression 'nice guys finish last' has an amount of truth in it...

I'd disagree. I think the expression 'nice guys finish last' isn't true because there are cases where that doesn't happen.

Always amazes me when some women go for the supposed 'bad boy' who inevitably treats them like ****e, he buggers off and the girl is left crying her eyes out about him. 'Why did that happen?'. It's astonishing sometimes, play with fire and your going to get burned eventually.

Look up the amount of single women who are looking for a 'genuine, nice guy' when advertising on dating sites.

I agree that being a bit clingy etc would probably put some girls off but wouldn't most single girls be looking for a genuinely nice bloke instead of a complete arrogant idiot.

The majority of single girls are looking for genuinely nice blokes who aren't overbearing not arrogant guys who love themselves more.

James400

John400 wrote: »

I'd disagree. I think the expression 'nice guys finish last' isn't true because there are cases where that doesn't happen.

Always amazes me when some women go for the supposed 'bad boy' who inevitably treats them like ****e, he buggers off and the girl is left crying her eyes out about him. 'Why did that happen?'. It's astonishing sometimes, play with fire and your going to get burned eventually.

Look up the amount of single women who are looking for a 'genuine, nice guy' when advertising on dating sites.

I agree that being a bit clingy etc would probably put some girls off but wouldn't most single girls be looking for a genuinely nice bloke instead of a complete arrogant idiot.

The majority of single girls are looking for genuinely nice blokes who aren't overbearing not arrogant guys who love themselves more.

100% correct.

Excellent Post.

IrishEyes19

John400 wrote: »

I'd disagree. I think the expression 'nice guys finish last' isn't true because there are cases where that doesn't happen.

Always amazes me when some women go for the supposed 'bad boy' who inevitably treats them like ****e, he buggers off and the girl is left crying her eyes out about him. 'Why did that happen?'. It's astonishing sometimes, play with fire and your going to get burned eventually.

Look up the amount of single women who are looking for a 'genuine, nice guy' when advertising on dating sites.

I agree that being a bit clingy etc would probably put some girls off but wouldn't most single girls be looking for a genuinely nice bloke instead of a complete arrogant idiot.

The majority of single girls are looking for genuinely nice blokes who aren't overbearing not arrogant guys who love themselves more.

I think the reason girls cry over a "bad boy" is because they see some little ray of light in them and "hoped he would change" :rolleyes: Que forward a few weeks, and they disappear. The girl is left reeling in not only broken hope but bad judgement on her part I think.
Clingy is a turn off, but definately being a nice decent guy is what most women want.

ecoli

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

I think the reason girls cry over a "bad boy" is because they see some little ray of light in them and "hoped he would change" :rolleyes: Que forward a few weeks, and they disappear. The girl is left reeling in not only broken hope but bad judgement on her part I think.
Clingy is a turn off, but definately being a nice decent guy is what most women want.

Would probably disagree here. Girls say that they are looking for a nice and genuine guy but when someone like that does crop up they seem to find that something is missing or there is a lack of passion or something.

I think it is the idea that alot of girls are not looking for the finished article. Maybe I am wrong in my perception but I always find that girls love having the nice guy there as a mate but very rarely is the "nice guy" the top one on their list and in fact the odd time when they do go for the nice guy it is usually as a knee jerk reaction to getting burned by a "bad boy" previously

Wompa1

Rebel Boy wrote: »

Hey guys.

I'm just wondering do people think there is a point when your to nice to someone you like?? I've dated a few women in recent years and a few of them said I was too nice and didn't want to go any further as a result. It amazes me cause I be's thinking to myself if I wasn't good to them what would they think then? I don't think I come across as been too nice I just like to respect the person and make sure she's comfy etc cause as we all know 1st dates can be very awkward. Any useful info would be greatly appericated.

I hear ya! A girl I was dating recently said she thought I was too nice and that she thinks that would mean I'd let people walk all over me...I don't, I think a lot of girls want drama..read some crap before that a guy that isn't all that nice to women is more macho and a better protector...ah well, I'm not going to change being who I am, if a woman doesn't want me for that reason then she deserves the A-hole she ends up with

ecoli

sunflower27 wrote: »

Plenty of women go for nice men that treat them well.

A guy may be the nicest guy in the world, but if a woman isn't attracted to him on some level then she is probably not going to go out with him. And why should she?

Completely agree. My point was there are alot of girls (not all) who look for a nice guy (especially when advertise it on the likes of ID sites) as a knee jerk reaction to getting hurt by a "bad boy" previously and ultimately aren't interested in the nice guy because its not the type of guy they are attracted to.
I have been in this situation plenty of times myself. Wouldnt be a door mat but like to treat a girl well (doing the sweet little things and odd gesture) but still consider myself a very independent person who lives my own life as well and will stand up for myself in all aspects of my life yet have been told I "too nice etc"

LegacyUser

The other side is that the OP could just be himself (ie not fawning over women), but the girls he's going out with aren't ready for someone like him. I went out with a lovely guy ten ten/thirteen years ago. He wasn't a doormat, he was the exact opposite. He treated me really well, but to be honest I wasn't able to function normally within a relationship not only with him but with anybody!

I'm with a guy now who's quite similar to that ex. The difference? I'm able to be in a (mature) relationship now because I know what I want and I know that the way he treats me is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Hang in there OP, there's no right or wrong way to date women. You'll find a way of dating women which YOU find comfortable. No one can tell you what's right or wrong because you have to work out what suits your personality best. It takes a while to figure out, but you'll have plenty of fun along the way : )