Can I marry him?

maygounreg1

Hi I have gone unregistered with this for obvious reasons...

I am engaged to my fiancee for 6 years and we have been going out for 12 years altogeher but for work and financial reasons we have never lived together. I got engaged in my early 20's the first of my friends to be engaged.

Shortly after we got engaged I panicked, decided it was all too much for me and we broke up for a year. We got back together cos when we were apart I feel awfully guillty that I had messed up his life, I felt many of his friends were mine and he suffered loosing them too, that I would end up alone and that a house we later bought was an awful financial burden that we could probably never figure out in a positive way. So we got back together.

We are not married still, not living together due to work reasons and I cant bare to think about a wedding. I feel sick when people ask me about it. He is so hard working and just wants for me to be happy. He has done nothing wrong but I just dont think I am in love with him and I hate any physical contact in that way of late. I have tried not to feel like this but the original feelings of why we broke up in the first place - those of panic and fear are back now stronger than ever. He has no idea anything is wrong. I keep telling myself I have someone who really loves me and that so many people would envy me for thjat. But there is just something vital missing - I love him but am not in love with him and I often feel like I am the one taking the lead on decisions. I sometimes question how" masculine" he is and feel i need someone who can care for me and make me feel feminine. I feel really down in his company and have to try so hard to be my normal self.

This awful situation is complicated futher by the fact that I have an old friend from college with whom there was always serious chemistry betwen us both. Nothing ever happened between us due to us both been in relationships but we always kept in contact. He made his feels known to me a few times but I always laughed them off. Recently tho I have found myself attracted to him and even went to far as to say the engagment was off again to him. We have been seeing each other now for a while and part of me is starting to think this is who i should have been spending all those years with instead. I am having fun and laughing for a change, and i feel feminine and protected. Yet i am scared to like him too much.

He is my friend but becoming more and i shouldnt be lying to him and my fiancee certainly shouldnt be lied to. I feel so awful. I am not getting any younger and know I should go for the safe marraige option but i really dont think this is going to make me happy. If I do decide to end it its going to be some mess in every sense plus I dont know how the other party feels about me yet. I cant lie any longer to either and I dont know whether to listen to my heart or my head as they are both telling me 2 very different things. I would really appreciate your thoughts ....thanks

fungun

Sounds to me that if you marry this guy you will regret it for the rest of your life. So thats a pretty easy decision in my book. Its the execution of it thats awkward and difficult.
And read your own post, its easy to see you already know what you have to do - look at the reasons you got back with him....nothing about that you wanted to.

This is not even head versus heart, its head and heart versus fear.

LegacyUser

You are being extremely selfish. You don't stay with someone because you are afraid of being left on the shelf or because breaking up is too much work. It is not fair what you are doing to your 'fiance'. Stop stringing him along as a safety net, do the decent thing and break up with him. I find it faintly ridiculous that a 'couple' that are going out for 12 years have never lived together. I can't believe he accepted that.

Yes, it is hard breaking up. But that's what a decent person does when they realise they are in a relationship that is wrong. Yes, it will affect you, yes it will affect him. That's life. You can't avoid it. So do it maturely and kindly, don't lie, be truthful and do not play with his feelings for your convenience any more.

I'm not going to comment on the other guy. But you need to confess the truth to your Fiance as soon as possible. Not at your convenience by the way. His. He deserves the truth.

_ariadne

you really need to break up with him if you don't have the strength to do it for yourself then do it for him. He deserves better than to love someone who is only with him out of fear, who has strong feelings for someone else and who isn't attracted to him. It's really cruel to drag it out any longer. Let him (and you!) move on with your lives.

and don't worry about the mess it will leave, life is messy :P

gypsy_rose

Break up with him OP. Reading your post it is obvious that you are not happy in this relationship and though he may seem oblivious now, he will see that fairly soon. It's better for both of you

Firetrap

It's telling that you've never gotten around to getting married despite the long engagement. I think you know you need to break up with him but it's going to hurt both of you dreadfully. I can understand that. You're going to have to do something though. Which is worse? Being tied into a marriage which could quite possibly be unhappy and have both of ye hating each other? Or to be able to walk away now before it's too late.