Being Learned being Hated?

LegacyUser

Hi Guys,

(I'm a 22 year old student nearly finished his degree)

I've noticed for the past three years I've been obsessed with learning stuff, and not only in a superficial way. For example I'd learn the history of every country, learn sports I hate, learn languages etc etc etc. and love to show off this information to everyone but at the same time enjoy knowing a vast amount of information. When in a social setting and everyone talks about fun topics I can endure that, but when it shifts to a political, social or historical question I jump in and talk about it in detail and usually the expected result is 'You're so smart!', 'I wish I knew as much as you!'...you get the picture. I actually don't know if I like this comment or not as I don't want them to think I'm just a geek or arrogant. I'm quite a social nice guy I'd like to think.

I'm not shoving for this praise, but feel I'm somewhat abnormal as I seem to know more than I should and it seems to be affecting my social life as my friends look at me as a 'know it all' instead of a friend they can talk to. I've always felt I was never good at anything, and starting to believe that because I can do something as easy as learning information as well as providing an informed opinion on issues, that I'm excelling at an issue that is unimportant as people don't want to appreciate it. There's a time and a place for serious discussion. That's not to say I can't party, but am I abnormal...I always seem to shock everyone no matter what race, ethnic group, country or social view they come from...and starting to believe that this isn't normal.

It's started to bother me over the last few months, so need external opinions. Hope you can provide some clarity. I know this doesn't seem like a 'personal issue' but starting to think my friends reject me for being a 'know it all'. Feedback appreciated.

Thanks.

LegacyUser

infooverdrive wrote: »

I've been obsessed with learning stuff, and not only in a superficial way. For example I'd learn the history of every country, learn sports I hate, learn languages etc etc etc. and love to show off this information to everyone

Ok, right there. You enjoy learning it but you also enjoy showing it off. This could really bug/bore people, especially if you monopolise the conversation with monologues when talk turns to subjects you know.

You might be enjoying it but have you looked for visual cues and expressions on others to check if they are enjoying it?

infooverdrive wrote: »

When in a social setting and everyone talks about fun topics I can endure that, but when it shifts to a political, social or historical question I jump in and talk about it in detail and usually the expected result is 'You're so smart!', 'I wish I knew as much as you!'...you get the picture.

So the word 'endure' tells me that you are not really listening or engaging with the other people who are speaking, but merely waiting for your 'turn' to show off and get praise. People will find this very offputting on two levels.

1. you are not really listening/interested to/in them, merely waiting for them to finish so you can talk.

2. When you do get to talk you might be reeling off facts/information that is uninteresting to others and they may just feel like a trapped 'audience' and find it boring.

infooverdrive wrote: »

people don't want to appreciate it. There's a time and a place for serious discussion.

Exactly, as your friends have mentioned about being a 'know it all' -why not calm down on this behaviour. Listen a lot more to people and think before you speak. For example at a party do people really want to talk about serious/boring/depressing topics? Is it an appropriate topic for the setting? Generally at your age people will be far more interested in girls/boys, music, socialising, hobbies etc

I was just wondering if you are diagnosed anywhere on the Autistic or Aspergers spectrum OP.

greenprincess

I was once told before to 'dumb' it down a bit. Not to the extend that you need to act stupid or anything. but sometimes its easier to just tone it down a bit!!

Milky Moo

I think igorning the ironings post says it all really.

If you are just waiting your turn to recite a load of facts and not truely listening to others it means you are not engaging in the conversation.
People can pick up on that!

Just because you know 20 facts about a certain topic of conversation it does not mean you need to say those 20 facts.

It is ok to be opinionated but to not the extent to monopolising the conversation.

Forest Master

OP - I can guarantee it pisses off a lot of your friends, and they're being too nice to say anything. It's only a question of how long they endure it for, and when you gradually stop getting invited to parties, etc.

I've had a close mate like this, and the novelty wore off quickly - it was once quite interesting & novel conversation, but it ended up a bore and he became more arrogant & smug over the years, like he felt obliged to "educate us" all the time... at a fooking party, usually, so he'd be drunk & just drone on without allowing anyone else to have input, and if they did, they were 'wrong' and it would turn into an argument and ruin a lot of sessions!

Pebbles68

Op, the thing that I'd be concerned about is your motives. If you are a knowledge junkie and enjoy learning then go for it. I admire you. But if you put so much time and effort into learning things simply to impress people, that strikes me as being needy in the extreme. Do you really crave attention so much that you are prepared to give up so much of your life simply to absorbe facts about subjects you wouldn't normally care about?
Sorry if I come across a bit harsh

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies, they were definitely helpful!

@'Ignoring the Ironing': When I say I love 'showing it off', I mean that to show I'm not ignorant of a topic if someone else brings it up. I've noticed people seem to have a respect for someone who knows a lot of topics and can have a detailed conversation on them. I don't mean that I learn to 'show off'. My initial motive is to learn for pleasure, as I said in the original post, I'm sort of addicted to learning...(i.e. understanding, and not memorizing as in exams).

I probably don't notice the visual clues either. It's important to note that I wouldn't be talking about serious stuff all the time at parties, only if it seldom comes up...most parties I wouldn't even mention any serious discussion or facts. I'm probably not much of a listener either and I know this because one or two of my friends told me.

Ironically, I was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome before yes albeit a mild form. Although I never felt myself as deficient but people seem to think the contrary.

@Pebbles68: No, hehe, I don't learn to impress people, it's more of a byproduct, I learn as I enjoy it immensely.

@Forest Master;Milky Moo;Green Princess: I see what you mean Forest Master, sometimes I just feel like 'educating' people who bull**** on a given topic...as I think there's nothing worse than someone pretending to know something they haven't a clue about. Milkymoo, I try not to monopolize the conversation, but I don't know what others think, maybe they think I am monopolizing. And Princess, I'll try to dumb it down.

Thanks again for the responses so far!

ash23

Sorry OP but you sound like a lot of hard work to be honest.

I'd imagine it's exhausting to socialise with you.
I work hard all week and while I keep up to date with the news and I'm reasonably intelligent, love reading and educating myself, I rarely have serious opinionated conversations when I'm out with my friends and it doesn't feel good and nobody enjoys it, least of all me.

Join a debate team or something. Expel that energy elsewhere. If I'm looking for a debate on an issue I come to boards and find someone to debate with. That way I can log off and leave it behind but I've gotten it out of my system and I won't end up boring my friends that evening.

You sound like you have opinions on everything and like to debate at every opportunity. You need to learn to switch off as I know someone like this (my ex) and after a while, it becomes less and less endearing and more and more patronising. It got to the point where I wouldn't talk current affairs with him as he belittled what I had to say and I usually ended up being talked over and chastised for my own beliefs and opinions.

When it's exhausting just trying to have a pint with someone you end up avoiding them.
Being friendly and good at conversation isn't about facts and having a litany of topics up your sleeve. It's about reading social cues and learning when it's appropriate to impart your knowledge, and when it isn't.

Forest Master

infooverdrive wrote: »

@Forest Master;Milky Moo;Green Princess: I see what you mean Forest Master, sometimes I just feel like 'educating' people who bull**** on a given topic...as I think there's nothing worse than someone pretending to know something they haven't a clue about.

I agree with you there though - it's okay to call someone on something they're talking through their arse about - but it's when you drone on about stuff that's not interesting, or go into too much IRRELEVANT detail. You can put someone in their place quickly by pulling them up on some details, or ask them a simple question that leaves them stumped or shows everyone how credible they are - but you don't need to be the "educator" - people take it wrong if you're smug & arrogant about it. You can be smart & learned without being smug & belittling.

ash23

Hey OP, you mnetion being diagnosed with mild Aspergers. I dont' know a lot about it but honestly, reading your OP, you reminded me of my cousin who has also been diagnosed with Aspergers.

He gets somewhat "fanatical" about certain things, sports etc and has to learn facts and will talk constantly about his current topic. He doesn't pick up easily on the social cues I mentioned in my last post, as in he doesn't fully read peoples gestures and tone. He is a fully functioning member of society, highly intelligent for facts and figures, but not so great socially.

infooverdrive

infooverdrive wrote: »

'You're so smart!', 'I wish I knew as much as you!'...

I'm not making assumptions about your particular situation, but when I say either of those two sentences, I'm being insincere. It's what I say when I don't know what else to say, because the conversation I'm involved in isn't so much a conversation as a showcase. This is just in my experience though.

ash23 wrote: »

after a while, it becomes less and less endearing and more and more patronising. It got to the point where I wouldn't talk current affairs with him as he belittled what I had to say and I usually ended up being talked over and chastised for my own beliefs and opinions.

When it's exhausting just trying to have a pint with someone you end up avoiding them.

Ash23 has hit the nail on the head there IMO. I've been in that situation myself, and I do just avoid conversation with that person now, even though we used to be close friends. He think's he's smarter than the rest of us, and that he's just informing us, but in reality he's patronising us with facts we either already know or never wanted to know.

In short, it's fantastic that you have a thirst for knowledge, but if you can't be satisfied with keeping the bulk of it to yourself, then you have to address the fact that you're doing this in the expectation of respect that in reality you're not even getting. You sound nice though, I hope I haven't been too harsh!

Kosseegan

Remember the late Brian Lenihan father of the last Minister For Finance. Bertie Ahern did not like the former Minister for Finance. He is reputed to have said of him " he is very clever and learned like his father, unlike his father however, he does not conceal it".
Sometimes the real sign of intelligence and learning is the ability to conceal it from others.

lace

OP - I think the other posters have given some really good advice here!

Have you tried bringing up topics or getting involved in conversation about topics you don't know much about? You'll get to learn about something new and also let others have a chance to share their expertise in certain fields.

Next time you feel the urge to jump in and share your knowledge on a topic (putting you at risk of ranting and seeming a little pedantic) try taking a deep breath and counting to ten (or maybe twenty), allowing someone else to talk instead.

I understand the excited feeling when conversation turns to a topic you know a lot about. I genuinely love sharing random interesting facts with people. However, I've learned that what I consider interesting is sometimes considered boring or irrelevant by others.

Perhaps you could try joining online forums for topics you have an interest in? It would be a good place to have debates/discussions with people who will appreciate or be stimulated by your input.

Good Luck!

Reesy

OP, a suggestion: Try going thru a whole meeting by not stating anything (except yes or no), just asking questions. Explore how others feel & what they think. It makes them feel great and it can be very interesting. Be humble & listen. NB avoid the 'do you agree...' questions because they are just statements by another name.

I once had to learn this & found it unlocked something important for me.

tenchi-fan

No one likes a show-off. No one likes a know it all. No one likes the guy who always has to have the last word. Some might find it boring and tiresome.

Either find friends who are equally "brainy" or try taking a back-seat in the conversation more often.

prinz

infooverdrive wrote: »

and love to show off this information to everyone but at the same time enjoy knowing a vast amount of information...

There is a big difference between knowing a lot about a lot, and loving to show off that fact. That's not to say you should actually pretend not to know something, but maybe you should think about toning down the 'showing off' aspect. You should get the enjoyment out of your knowledge all by yourself and for yourself, and not necessarily by needed the validation of others.

infooverdrive wrote: »

I'm not shoving for this praise, but feel I'm somewhat abnormal as I seem to know more than I should and it seems to be affecting my social life as my friends look at me as a 'know it all' instead of a friend they can talk to...

That's a big problem, particularly noticeable in this country IMO. People are often suspicious of intelligence. Don't let that bother you, if people can't appreciate it that's their problem. However that does not mean you go around showing off to people. Showing off a lot is never a likeable trait whether it's your broad range of knowledge or someone breakdancing, or any other skill or hobby.

infooverdrive wrote: »

It's started to bother me over the last few months, so need external opinions. Hope you can provide some clarity. I know this doesn't seem like a 'personal issue' but starting to think my friends reject me for being a 'know it all'. Feedback appreciated.Thanks.

There is a thread on the Humanities forum from a while back you may find interesting, it dealt in part with this issue, and conversation in Ireland in particular, and the reasons why people often stick to light topics and fluff issues rather than discuss in depth subjects like politics or history for example.

Ms.Odgeynist

infooverdrive wrote: »

Hi Guys,

(I'm a 22 year old student nearly finished his degree)

For example I'd learn the history of every country, learn sports I hate, learn languages etc etc etc. and love to show off this information to everyone but at the same time enjoy knowing a vast amount of information. When in a social setting and everyone talks about fun topics I can endure that, but when it shifts to a political, social or historical question I jump in and talk about it in detail and usually the expected result is 'You're so smart!', 'I wish I knew as much as you!'...you get the picture. I actually don't know if I like this comment or not as I don't want them to think I'm just a geek or arrogant. I'm quite a social nice guy I'd like to think.

Thanks.

OP - I'm guessing you don't know the history of Lesotho? And judging by the grammar and sentence structure of the paragraph above, it seems you're still in the process of mastering Leaving Certificate English. Maybe you're worrying for nothing???????

JimmyCrackCorn

"The wise man knows he knows nothing, the fool thinks he knows all."


Not a personal attack. Just a simple truth. It's not intelligence/learnedness that wins and loose you friends its your actions.

By any chance are you coming across with a superior attitude or a little smug.

It's not learnedness or intelligence that wins or loose you friends.

Ms.Odgeynist

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ What he said.

Also, there are many, myself included, who would not consider memorising vast swathes of useless information impressive, or vaguely intellectual.
When you consider it, you are competing with the 'interweb'. No one need ever memorise waffle ever again.

Unless you are studying to become a solicitor, this activity is ill advised.
If you are studying to become a solicitor, start memorising some of that mindless ****...and remember.....your most annoying moments are ahead of you!!!!!!

LegacyUser

Hi OP, my boyfriend has mild Asperger's too and he can be very like that in social situations ie if a topic comes up which he's interested in or knows loads about he's very eager to almost overshare and demonstrate his knowledge. It can be difficult and boring to listen to (as much as I love him!) but it's a form of coping mechanism, he can find certain social situations where there are no set rules quite difficult so projecting his knowledge simultaneously calms his nerves and empowers him.

There is nothing wrong with being a know it all, it's how you carry yourself and convey it in general that matters, and as you say you know there is a time and a place for serious discussion. You seem to make the distinction between 'fun' and 'serious' topic of discussion, do you feel you can only contribute to 'serious' discussions?

I don't think you need to dumb yourself down, I used to get slagged mercilessly for using big words. It really upset me and sometimes still does. However, I never limited my vocabulary just because other people teased me about it.

While I was never like that, I did consciously decide to just ignore some topics I was really interested in in fear that I'd go off on a spiel that no one wants to here.

You just need to realise that your desire for knowledge is normal but it's in the minority. If you ruin a flowing conversation, people will notice.. After a few times, everyone will think "ah not this again."

They could even be at the point of dumbing down the conversations so you can't butt in so often. "We better avoid politics or whatshisname will go off on one."