Relationship woes.

LegacyUser

Hi all,
I'm in an absolute state and would really appreciate some advice.
Background:
About 1 year ago I split from a long term relationship of about 9.5 years. Looking back I realise that I stayed in this relationship because it was safe, comforting, stable..., but didn't have the oomph it needed to keep me interested. If I'm honest I'm not sure if I was ever in love with him. What an absolute waste of 9.5 years?!?!

Now I'm in a relationship for the last 5 months. The guy in question is what most girls would call "perfect" - kind, cute, considerate, fun, great with my friends, texts and phones regularly..... but the thing is that there's something niggling at me about it. I don't think I can see a future with him. I really wish I could feel differently. I really do. But the thing is I'm terrified. I hated being single when I was, felt so lonely and unloved. Now I have this man who loves me, cares for me and adores me, so naturally I'm afraid to let all of that go.

The other complicated thing is that he's a friend of my family. I met him through my brother (one of his best friends) so I'd have to face the wrath of my family also if I break his heart. And I'll have to face seeing him at family weddings etc.

God, what am I going to do? What if I'm making a huge mistake? What if I don't ever find someone I can fall in love with? (that's if I'm capable of love) I'm 32 so I'm no spring chicken! Jesus!!

Anyone got any advice, please?

Taltos

So basically you went into a new relationship after only 7mts of being alone?
That is hardly enough time to really heal yourself OP.

Suggest you cut yourself some slack but what you need to do is ASAP sit this guy down and let him know where he stands. I mean he is not an idiot and if you let him know that you just are not ready for a serious relationship yet and your head is still messed up by the last relationship he might be hurt - but am sure would prefer to know now instead of another 9yrs.

As to your family - thank them for their concern - but basically they need to mind their own business...

LegacyUser

So this new relationship is also "safe, comfortable, stable",& you're thinking it's headed in the same direction as the last one?
Whilst it'd be awkward to break up now after 5months, it'll be a hell of a lot more awkward in another 5 months time. The sooner the better, if you're intent on it. All you need say is "You're a really lovely guy,& you'll make some girl really happy, but I just can't commit to this relationship". Whilst it might hurt, he'll appreciate your honesty. As will mutual friends/family. What he won't appreciate is being strung along.
Are you being realistic about your relationship goals? Are you looking for fireworks? Or some romantic "Cupid arrow" moment? Take your time before coming to your decision. There's a lot to be said for being in a relationship with someone who loves& values you, treats you well, and gets on with your family. Equally, if you only see him as a friend& there's no physical attraction whatsoever, then there's no point.

_ariadne

do you love him?

if you don't I really think you should end the relationship asap. it dosn't matter if your family or friends think hes perfect, they're not the ones going out with him.

as chiched as it sounds maybe you just need a time of being single to learn to love your self and not 'need' a partner. a new hobby or a holiday alone might be ways to do this.

settling with this guy, or stinging him along, just because you are feeling your age or your family would be annoyed is just going to end in disaster for both you and him.

fghijkl

I realise that I stayed in this relationship because it was safe, comforting, stable..., but didn't have the oomph it needed to keep me interested. If I'm honest I'm not sure if I was ever in love with him. What an absolute waste of 9.5 years?!?!

I'm in a relationship for the last 5 months-I don't think I can see a future with him.-I have this man who loves me, cares for me and adores me, so naturally I'm afraid to let all of that go.

Your previous relationship was only a waste of 9 years if you didn't learn anything from it. If you don't learn from your mistakes in life OP you are destined to keep repeating them.

God, what am I going to do? What if I'm making a huge mistake? What if I don't ever find someone I can fall in love with?

You can't spend your whole life contemplating the what if's, you have to live in the present. Your life could end tomorrow and the what if's mean nothing.

I hated being single when I was, felt so lonely and unloved

that's if I'm capable of love

This is something you really need to tackle for your own benefit.
It's a horribly tired cliche but is true, If you aren't able to love yourself and be a complete person on your own, then you can't expect to be loved by someone else. You can't spend your whole life looking for someone to complete you, it just doesn't work like that, you should already be complete.
A partner should be someone you can share your life with they should not be half your life.

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

So basically you went into a new relationship after only 7mts of being alone?
That is hardly enough time to really heal yourself OP.

Suggest you cut yourself some slack but what you need to do is ASAP sit this guy down and let him know where he stands. I mean he is not an idiot and if you let him know that you just are not ready for a serious relationship yet and your head is still messed up by the last relationship he might be hurt - but am sure would prefer to know now instead of another 9yrs.

As to your family - thank them for their concern - but basically they need to mind their own business...

Hi Taltos,
Thanks for your reply. Sorry, I changed around times and dates, cause I know my boyfriend checks this site, so I've been single for longer than a year, and have had plenty of time to heal and be single. I don't want to give too much detail in case he twigs it's me writing this!. Probably silly but I'm a bit paranoid!!
I know you're right I need to sit him down and chat to him and tell him how I feel, I know I'm being selfish.. I've got a sick, horrible feeling in my gut worrying about it. He keeps making plans for the future, holidays etc, and I feel so bad for being deceitful to him.
He's such a good guy, Jesus why can't I just be happy with that?????
I guess I've been leading him on too, making him believe that all is going ok, because I don't want to face up to the inevitable.

I wish it were that simple with my family, they like to think they have a say on what I do with my life.

If we split I'd really miss him and the love and the company. This makes me sound like a selfish little bitch. I'm probably a bit needy and don't like to be alone.

LegacyUser

fghijkl wrote: »

Your previous relationship was only a waste of 9 years if you didn't learn anything from it. If you don't learn from your mistakes in life OP you are destined to keep repeating them.


You can't spend your whole life contemplating the what if's, you have to live in the present. Your life could end tomorrow and the what if's mean nothing.



This is something you really need to tackle for your own benefit.
It's a horribly tired cliche but is true, If you aren't able to love yourself and be a complete person on your own, then you can't expect to be loved by someone else. You can't spend your whole life looking for someone to complete you, it just doesn't work like that, you should already be complete.
A partner should be someone you can share your life with they should not be half your life.

Thank you for replying.

After reading your post I'm in floods of tears, I know what you're saying is true, I've a lot of issues to work through and deal with. Before I met my boyfriend I was seeing a councillor for a few months, but didn't feel I was getting anywhere with him and couldn't justify parting with €80 for an hour talking babble.

I'm not sure if I'll ever be "right" but I probably need to do a bit more work with it.

I know what you mean about learning from mistakes, I felt these exact signs at the beginning of my first relationship but pushed them to the back of my mind. I don't think I can do it this time, so maybe I have learned something

@_ariadne - If I'm being honest no, I don't love him, but I've never been in love with anyone so I'm hardly the best person to be talking about love, but no my gut says it's not love.

Taltos

unregisteredone wrote: »

Before I met my boyfriend I was seeing a councillor for a few months, but didn't feel I was getting anywhere with him and couldn't justify parting with €80 for an hour talking babble.

I know what you mean about learning from mistakes, I felt these exact signs at the beginning of my first relationship but pushed them to the back of my mind. I don't think I can do it this time, so maybe I have learned something

@_ariadne - If I'm being honest no, I don't love him, but I've never been in love with anyone so I'm hardly the best person to be talking about love, but no my gut says it's not love.

Hi OP
look seriously stop beating yourself up. So this relationship has not worked out - so what. At least you know now that it is going nowhere - imagine if you only came to this realization in say 5yrs.

2 things I am going to suggest - feel free to disregard though.
1. Counselling - please restart this - maybe with another counsellor - this is a slow process and while expensive in the long run can work. But - it will only work if you are 100% committed to working the process. And yes - sometimes that means finding the right counsellor for you.

2. You said it above - you don't love him.
What more do you need to say?
It is beyond time to end it - all you can do now is let him down as gently as you can but also set boundaries with your family.
Maybe their interference (through caring) is part of the issue - I mean - if they are that involved when was the last time you were in a relationship with just one other person (without the hangers on) - way too much pressure there.

It will not be easy on either side - but sit him down, start out with something like "Jack, we both know it's not working. We've tried but come on - we both know this isn't working out as we hoped. I'm so sorry - I wish that I could give you what you need but this just isn't working for me."

For your family - "I know you asking/telling because you care - and it is because I know you care so much that I am going to ask you nicely to please back off for the moment, when I am ready to talk I will but right now I need you to give me some space" - on this one you might never be ready to talk

By letting him down gently and with respect you will pass a very clear message to your family at the same time - that you are serious. Don't fall into the trap of saying "oh it's all me - I am broken etc" - you are just setting an objective there - you are painting yourself as a project for him and others to fix. The truth is - you are NOT broken - just you are NOT in love with him as much as you want to be - you don't feel the spark.

So consider the counselling - and on a tangent - dive into some new activity - get out and just meet random people (no dates for a while) and increase your confidence by learning a new skill...
> show jumping ; kayaking ; mountain biking ; something a bit different...
a) it will take your mind off things, while you deal with the fallout subconsciously, learning a new skill will keep your conscious mind focussed...
b) it will improve your confidence - you really do need to believe in yourself - not everything is your fault. And will help you set the boundaries with your family - we all have to do it - once your confidence is higher.
c) Meeting new people and having something different to talk about is just a great way to expand your social circle and let you see things differently.

cocokay

if ur not into him after 5 months let him go, even if it hurts, its not fair on him.
u say there was oomph missing from ur other relationship...but after 9 yrs its never going to be the same as the beginning when everything is new and exciting. when the butterflies have gone u need to still have a connection with the person otherwise whats the point, you may as well be single! none of us will be swinging from the chandeliers & having raunchy sex when we're 70 but hopefully the people we've chosen to spend our lives with will still be making us laugh, seeing us through the bad times etc.
ur only 32...don't beat urself up, would u rather be in a **** relationship than none at all? in my experience "love" happens when you are least expecting it, going about ur business concentrating on other stuff.
take some time to enjoy your life, go out, meet people, travel, suit yourself for a while but don't lead this really nice guy on anymore - if a guy did this to your best friend you would kill him!