away from home, partner taking it very hard

LegacyUser

I'm working in Japan for six months, with nearly one month already gone. My BF is back home and he's taking it quite hard. I'm busy all the time trying to settle in here, meeting new people etc.. But he wants constant reassurance! I feel like he is miserable and I am happy and I feel awful about it. I don't want him to have a terrible summer, but I know he's unhappy at work and generally has some problems with depression etc sometimes too. This was a long time coming as it's something I always wanted to do. I've been saving up for ages, to do the TEFL etc... I feel bad because I feel like I should miss him as much as he misses me, but I'm just not thinking about it. I've asked him to come over here but he has no money. What can I do? Should I even think about ending it for his sake? He has had a really difficult time recently with some family stuff, and I just want him to be happy. But constantly on Facebook wondering what I am doing and sending me 10 texts a day can't be good for him. I've suggested he try volunteer work etc but he's not interested. He's mostly worried I will be with someone else...as is always the biggest concern with men...We've been together 2 years, early 30's...if that matters. I feel like the guilt is weighing on me...help!!
Guys opinions particularly welcome!!

Count Duckula

unregistered wrote: »

I feel bad because I feel like I should miss him as much as he misses me, but I'm just not thinking about it.

This bit stands out for me a little from your post. If you're not thinking about him and enjoying your new life so much he doesn't really come into it, perhaps you need to consider whether this relationship is what you really want?

Are you enjoying not being in it at the moment? You need to be honest with yourself here, for both your sake's.

BraziliaNZ

I think you need to tell him to cool it, that you are busy and can't be constantly reassuring him. Also you need to ask what you really want, I mean in my opinion, I don't think it's a really fair thing to do, leaving him for 6 months and expecting him to be cool with it, maybe you should have ended things before you left? I've done this with a previous girlfriend to go travelling (and still live to regret it!).

Fentdog84

I had a similiar experience a few years ago when i spent a year abroad and my ex was back home. Look he's obviously missing you, but its your life and you made this decision, he shouldnt be sending you on a guilt trip about this. I mean how strongly do you really feel about this guy? I think it could be best to end it, might be fairer on both of you. Me and my ex grew apart while I was away and it ended not long after i got back home.Not saying thats what you should do, its up to you, but I wouldnt be making any promises to him or get bogged down with his demands. Good luck and enjoy your experience.

Joey the lips

Speaking as a guy he will just have to accept it. I love my other half if she had to go abroad i would have to accept it for her.

If its strong enough it will last but dont accept emotional blackmail and agree to answer facebook texts every second day.

_ariadne

it sounds like you really should have put more thought into the situation before you left

you must have known that he didn't want you to go and that he wouldn't handle it well, but you decided to go anyway
Of course you are entitled to go and do something you have always wanted but you cant expect your partner to just sit around and wait for you to come back, six months is a long time.

I don't think there is any middle ground here. either you are happy in japan and away from the relationship, in which case you should break up with him and let you both move on. Or you value your relationship too much to torture him by staying away for another 5months and you come home.

kerryman12

Hi OP

I have been on both sides of this equation, and the lesson I have learned is that it is always harder on the person left behind.

Herself can be away from time to time to time with work, a week here or there a fortnight - the longest being 3/4 months. I just get on with it now, I don't necessarily like it but, its just part of our life together. I will admit that when she was away for that longer period I did find it quite though, but that was many years ago now.
When it comes to being away for longer periods these days I am usually the one to blame, a couple of weeks or months, the longest stent being over 18 months straight. This differs from your situation in one key way - I was home most weekends. Though I know the cumulative effect of this was very very hard on my partner.

I would disagree with many of the previous posters, in that I firmly believe it can work out - if you both want it too. Every relationship has to be worked at , long distance ones especially. Five more months is not that long.

I would agree with Count Duckula in that this is a important statement;

I feel bad because I feel like I should miss him as much as he misses me, but I'm just not thinking about it.

but I would not necessarily agree with her conclusion.

If like me you dont get a lot of time to think about home/your partner when you are away, that is not necessarily as bad as it sounds. My experience is that I am so busy when away that I just dont have the time to think about it. I am solely focused on getting the job done and making it home I dont have time for much more, if this is not your experience then perhaps what CD suggests is more relevant to you. Which ever is your experience use all of the technology out there to make staying in touch.

Having said all of that, it is not fair for your partner to lay all of this guilt on you, you have to do what you have to do and he needs to respect that. Try to explain this to him as best you can and after that he needs to be a adult and deal with it.

What ever happens I wish you the best of luck, you have a great opportunity in Japan - grab it with both hands.

Best regards

Kyman12

Wompa1

Sounds like you don't want to be in the relationship to me...you don't miss him, you've also suggested breaking up with him...how is that going to help him? It would obviously crush him. Something tells me you said that because you feel like you want to.

gren1234

ok firstly im shocked that you dont realise why he contacts you so much. he obviously loves you alot. he would not be bothering contacting you if he didnt. you are thousands of miles away after all. if you are not missing him and you think you do not love him you need to tell him. obviously he is a great guy but just having a bit of a bad time. and to top it all off the person he loved most has went to work in a foreign country. ok i know your frustrated with all his emails texts etc. but this is probably the only way he can feel close to you. if you decide you want to stay with him. you need to consider it carefully. relationships need work.and you should setup a time each day when you talk to each other via skype facebook or msn etc. a relationship needs work and comittment. make time for your partner as you did at home. you will then notice that he will not constantly contact you. i know its hard for you too but remember all the good memories you have - keep pictures with you of him. best of luck.

ztoical

OP It sounds like your BF has alot of issues going on at home that he has no control over. Your going away on top of this hasn't helped and it seems he is focusing on you as he can't do anything about work or family issues. On one hand I feel sorry for him as it might seem like everything is going wrong for him but it really isn't fair on him to be spaming you with several texts a day.

My dad worked overseas and would be gone for up 18 months at a time to very remote places were communication was very limited and he wasn't the most tech savy person so my mum might get a phone call a week or the odd random email and frankly it made their relationship better because when he was home they time they spent together they really valued. If you were younger [late teens early 20's] I wouldn't mention it but as your in your 30's I would expect a little more maturity even in a newish relationship. One of my best friends has just had his girlfriend of a year head off with the Peace Core to central America, she's gone for 2 years and again has limited communication options were she is. My friend, while missing his girlfriend and wishing she was home, knew when he started seeing her that this was a major goal of hers. If you just dropped the Japan thing out of no where I might see his side a little bit but it sounds like this is something that was a major goal and not something you jumped into out of the blue.

LegacyUser

This is an AMAZING time of your life, and you fought so hard to get there!!!! Don't allow anyone to take away from that.

It's normal to not miss him as much as he misses you, because you have tons of practical things to solve, and literally a new world to learn about. It should be one of the most fascinating and unforgettable things you will ever live, and you should make sure you soak up every single moment and aspect of it.

Your bf, on the other hand, is stuck in his routine, and of course misses you. There's nothing strange on that. But he should separate what his personal issues are, and what is related to missing you. And deal with one at a time, instead of mixing it all up and making you feel guilty.

I assume he couldn't go with you. I assume it's something you wouldn't feel complete without trying and/or you would resent if you gave it up because of him. I'm assuming you love each other.

So just give him reassurance and be patient, make sure he is ok, but don't miss a minute of your new adventure because he is whining back at home or making you feel guilty. It's six months, it's not a life.

Couples live apart for years all the time, when they work at the navy, when they go abroad for a course/postgrad, at times of war, when there are job difficulties, when their jobs require, whatever it may be.

The fact that you don't miss him too much has nothing to do with the quality of your relationship, it has to do with the overwhelming and magic environment where you are now. So relax and enjoy it.

With skype, texting, emails, etc etc there's no need to have an emotional distance from him.