Depression, guilt, embarrassment. Dealing with the past..

LegacyUser

I suffer from clinical depression, I've been on meds for a few years now, but I'm still having problems. I do have a psychiatrist and am gonna try changing therapist as hes useless and untrustworthy. I am asking here for a wider variety of opinions (rather than being told to forget about it, which I have been unable to do). If I get good advice I will discuss it with the people I see.

To start off, I had a horrible time in high school, bullied and isolated, had to change school. Never made friends since then and am quite paranoid, even 10 years later. I can't stop thinking about this period of my life, I guess I repressed it at the time.

I feel embarrassed because I was a bad friend, I betrayed trust with secrets, I cared more about girls than my friends, I bored the friends with my obsession over these two girls at school that I never intended to ask out. I also had very bad personal hygiene.
Even when I started talking to one of the girls, I also betrayed the trust of her, I told everyone I thought she fancied me and also told the fellas that she had said she liked, that she liked them. I had a big mouth.
In the end stories were spread about me that weren't true, in part because I poorly explained what actually happened and left myself open to their bull****. I even feel guilty about that despite the fact that I didn't do anything wrong, that's how strong minded I am!
I'm also embarrassed that I didn't learn to fight at the time in order to stand up for myself.
I have thoughts that something else happened that made people turn against me, I have thought about contacting one of my old friends to find out, but is that a good idea? Is it really gonna change anything, even in my thoughts and emotions, if I find out that there was another reason that was justifiable in making everyone hate me?

I feel guilty because I betrayed those people, who were friends at the time. My mother passed away shortly before the depression became very severe. I treated her badly when she was alive and I didn't feel there was much love between us, even though she was the only one in my family that I really spoke to. I suppose in some ways she suffered the talkback that resulted from the bullying.
I guess it doesn't help that my tosser of a father likes to recall that I mistreated my mother. The reality is I treated her badly through my childhood because of the example him and my older brother set, of course he doesn't remember this.

I'm pretty obsessed with the past and feel the urge to contact these people, as if I can make things right and somehow I will be setup with a girlfriend, which I still have never had. Despite this, I know I would never trust any of those people as friends again, and really don't want them in my life. Still the thoughts don't stop.

I was abused as a child and haven't told any of the therapists this. I don't know if this could be part of why I feel inadequate regarding women, even though I didn't even remember that it happened until a few years ago. Could that be a root problem?
I've been told many many times that I'm ugly (for some reason mostly by other fellas, which I don't understand), so I ended up thinking there was something wrong with me and that no girl would ever want me. Or was it that my initial experiences with girls went badly because my personal hygiene was so poor? And therefore set myself up with poor confidence and therefore never having a girlfriend?

I find it difficult to move on, I suppose largely due to the fact that I've still never made new friends. I was shy before this all happened, then I got bullied which made me worse. I would love to make new friends and I do try. I do some classes and at least noone there hates me! Still no friends though.

I don't work due to my depression and this is good and bad. I'm very afraid of working, dealing with pressure and people, but it also means I have little to do and spend too much time with my horrible father. I sometimes think I would love to move out, but that scares me too, being alone and having to look after everything myself.
I back down and think, just spend less time with my father, but he really just controls me, so it's hard to get away while living here.

I'm confused. I seem to be obsessed and dunno if even changing medication will change this. If meds can't change it, how can I forgive myself, come to terms with the wrongs I've done and felt?
I think it's important that I make friends, but the course of CBT I had hasn't magically made me socially optimist.
Fear I suppose also holds me back regarding living alone.

Thanks for reading/replying