do_the_right_thing

LegacyUser

I am in a bit of a dilema. I am with a girl a little over two months who is now pregnant. I original met her September of last year. We hooked up but didn't have sex. I met her again about two months ago and we had a talk and I spent the night. The chemistry was still there but we didn't act on it. We met again the next evening and I spent the night with her for we did have sex. I met her the following weekend on the Saturday.

Two weeks later we were in the bar where we met originally and a guy stopped her and said they had met two weeks previously. I didn't think too much of it myself initially. But she was very defensive about it being more than two week when she had met him: without my having said anything.

Anyways I have heard a little about her sexual past. She had been in Ireland for about a year. When I met her originally she was just out of a relationship with another Irish guy. And was Interested in another guy who she had met a few times. To be fair when I was with her I was with someone else too.

From what she has told me She has had 7 partners in the last year including myself. When we first had sex I told her I had always worn protection before which wasn't actually true.

Prior to that I have had two sexual partners who were involved with someone else when I got with them. I was actully with someone else when I first met her. Now she has told me that she has always made the guys wear protection, when she had been with them even though she didn't make an issue of it when she got with me.

She doesn't even even remember the first time we had sex. The day after we met for the second time. So to me clearly. She could have brought guys home before and had sex with them even if she doesn't remember it . Therefore she can not honestly say she has always worn protection before.

I feel like I can't trust her. Maybe I can't be trusted either. She has told me about her being with married guys and guys who were already in relationships. She didn't have a problem with it. Because the guys were the ones who were at fault.

I want to stand by her as far as the pregnancy goes. I don't want her to deal with that decision on her own. However I don't feel like the relationship can continue the way it is.

My question I guess is: How can I support her through this unexpected pregnancy while still keeping a distance as far as emotional attectment. She had already told me she would be devestated if I left her.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, tough situation you are both in. Seems like you need to be honest with her.
It is not for me to say what she should do but if there is a chance you could be the father from what she says about dates etc then it would be best if you could encourage her to get advice about her options.There is no point in a man giving the impression he wants to support
an unplanned pregnancy unless he is going to look after the child by paying the hefty bills that a child creates.Can you pay at least 30 percent of your pay every month?Will you get to see the child and do you have somewhere for the child to live when staying with you assuming she gives you access?
In your post you say it has been casual, so you would need to be sure the baby is yours.
Is she able and ready financially and emotionally to rear a child without living with you?
Also be aware that having a child will affect your future girlfriends and impact any future marriage.
I say all this because my husband did not rear his kids, it was a tough lonely poverty stricken life for me and kids. I would not have done it after a casual relationship, it is 20years down the road and things are not any easier today for single mothers or fathers.

Seraphina

Before you make any decisions about supporting the baby GET A PATERNITY TEST.
Or at least make it VERY clear you will not be supporting her in any way until you are 1000% sure it is your child.

Frankly, everything she's said sounds VERY suss. Either she's trying to take you for a mug, or is actually a silly bint who doesn't keep track of these things and consequently there are probably a number of guys who could be the father. She'll be devastated if you leave her?!?! I'm sorry but that's emotional blackmail to try and keep you around. You barely know eachother, how can you be devastated? Two months is not long to be dating someone at all. The fact that she was trying to make out like that guy was more than two weeks before is definitely ringing alarm bells for me. She probably avoided contraception so you would be more likely to believe her.

LegacyUser

Okay just to address some of the point that have been raised. I have put her in touch with positive options and she has details on clininic in her area.

The more I hear about her past the more unrealistic the relationship seems.
In terms of finance I am on Disability allowance with a long term illness. So financially I am not in a good position to be honest.

Well I didn't say it was casual really. We are together every weekend, and during the week also but not always for the whole weekend. The week the guy had said he met her for example I wasn't with her the friday of that week and we didn't go the bar we had met until 2 weeks later. The night she bumped into this guy.

I really feel she has to be the judge of whether she is emotionally capable of raising the child. Her initcial reaction was to have an abortion. But when we talked about it I felt like she wanted me to make the decision for her.

My feeling is that it is ultimately her decision. Now I don't know whether to distance myself from her so she can make the decision herself. Or what to do. Well I have agreed to go with her to meet the people in whatever clinic she decides on.

Just not sure where to cut things off.

She was due on the 9th of April. And on the 16th of April she took the test as I pressed her on how sure she was that she was pregnant.
She had been saying in the weeks leading up to it that she just knew she was pregnant.
Could be a maternal thing, I guess.

Fentdog84

Yeah you should demand a paternity test, its your right. Ive heard stories about guys who rared children thinking they were the father but werent. This dosent sound like a girl who can be trusted at her word, she's up to something. Be it to stay in the country or whatever. However, if you definitley are the father, you must prepare yourself for those responsibilites too. You might enjoy being a dad. But its important you know rights on these things, or you will be taken for a mug.Stay civil with the girl but dont make any commitments to her yet. A 2 month relationship, well you cant say where thats going to go with any kind of certainty. Best of luck.

greenprincess

pregnancy tests are really acurate these days. my friend was basically told (within 24 hours) of the day she got pregnant! They will be able to do this at the scan and then you will know if that was the date you slept with her.

Paternity tests before the baby is born can be very dangerous.

prinz

do_the_right_thing wrote: »

I feel like I can't trust her. Maybe I can't be trusted either.

Yes maybe, it's not like you have done anything but be 100% truthful...

do_the_right_thing wrote: »

When we first had sex I told her I had always worn protection before which wasn't actually true..

Oh.

do_the_right_thing wrote: »

She has told me about her being with married guys and guys who were already in relationships. She didn't have a problem with it. Because the guys were the ones who were at fault...

Yeah she definitely can't be trusted in that case. What a harlot.

do_the_right_thing wrote: »

To be fair when I was with her I was with someone else too. Prior to that I have had two sexual partners who were involved with someone else when I got with them. I was actully with someone else when I first met her....

What a trustworthy upstanding bloke you are. First of all you can stop lumping her with the tags of being the untrustworthy/loose morals/her sexual past etc crap because you were there too lying and didn't seem to have any trouble following her up when you were in a relationship yourself. So "her past" really should have no bearing.

You really need to figure out how far along she is and take things from there. There really is no point in telling you to either stick with her or cut and run at this stage. You should really be there for her as a friend for now if she's only a year in the country she may not have a support network of family or friends to rely on with something of this magnitude. You also need to forget about her past until you know something concrete IMO.

_ariadne

I really think you should end the relationship asap, you clearly don't trust her.

I also think you should be straight with her and give her room to make the abortion decision herself, suggest she talks to a crisis pregnancy counselor or a trusted friend rather than to you.

and be clear with her that you will need a paternity test when the baby is born before you pay any child support or take any role in th child's life, this is not unreasonable of you, don't let her make you feel guilty for this.

metrovelvet

1. You need to tell her where you stand regarding what you are prepared to do as a father. It will strongly influence her decision. Of course you can, like many do, end up changing their minds in one direction or another, so maybe she needs to make this decision independant of you anyway.

2. dna tests. ok you are entitled to ask for one. But be aware that if you do ask for one, that will send her a message that you dont think you are the father and she will be on her own during the pregnancy and will exclude you, and rightly so if you have doubts about the paternity.

3. I am also foreiegn and was asked for a dna test and it sent me the message I would be on my own for the pregnancy so I went back home for the duration of my pregnancy where I would not be alone, and it was the dna test request that made that decision for me.

the dna test stuff is always funny, of all the people to trap why have the arrogance to assume you are the best bet?:rolleyes:

ash23

Advise her that she is the one who needs to make the decision about whether or not to have the baby.
If she decides to have an abortion, support her through it.
If she decides to keep the baby, support her through it although take a back seat until you can get a paternity test. They can be done during pregnancy but are expensive so start looking into it.

http://www.paternitytest.ie/prenatal-paternity-test.html

You do not have to stay in a relationship with her just because she is pregnant. You can break up with her and advise her that you will be there to support her if she keeps the baby and it is yours but that you don't want a relationship with her other than as a co-parent.

Long and the short of it is, you had sex with her (unprotected from the sounds of your post) and she is now pregnant and is saying it's yours. The only way of knowing for sure is a paternity test.

Also, not being a wise ass, but if she is trying to trap someone into being her "baby-daddy" then I'm sure there are other men with more means than yourself she could sleep with and then lie to, particularly married ones who'd like to keep it quiet and will pay for her silence.
I just think that (from your own description of your financial state) that if she were trying to put the pregnancy on someone, you wouldn't be top of the eligiblity list.