Can't seem to make a move...

LegacyUser

Hi all

I'm a mid twenties guy from Dublin, and I've been single for the past three months. My last relationship was with a girl I met online, and the experience kind of soured my opinion of online dating so I'm not planning on going back. Exes and friends tell me I'm a reasonably good looking guy and am well spoken and that I present myself well. I have a good stable job and have two university degrees. Sounds good on paper right?

Unfortunately, the whole reason I tried online dating in the first place was because I can never seem to meet girls on nights out or whatever. The opportunity to talk to a girl on a night out is rare, as I can never bring myself to just walk up and start a conversation with a random woman. The thought alone of doing it just makes me feel anxious.

Whenever I DO get talking to a girl on a night out (the conversation would likely have been initiated by the girl), I try to be polite and get her talking about herself and what she does, but it always seems to fizzle out. I'm not sure whether it's a confidence thing, whether they don't find me attractive, or what it is.

Oddly enough, when I'm around women who I'm introduced to in work or through friends, I'm confident as anyone, not in a sleazy way, but I'll start conversations, maintain lots of eye contact, try and just be myself. However, this has proved to be an express ticket to the friend zone, and as we all know, it's usually a one-way journey. I guess I'm crippled by rejection anxiety or lack of confidence or whatever it's called, but I'm wondering if anyone has a similar problem and has worked around it?

IrishEyes19

ShyLad wrote: »

Hi all

I'm a mid twenties guy from Dublin, and I've been single for the past three months. My last relationship was with a girl I met online, and the experience kind of soured my opinion of online dating so I'm not planning on going back. Exes and friends tell me I'm a reasonably good looking guy and am well spoken and that I present myself well. I have a good stable job and have two university degrees. Sounds good on paper right?

Unfortunately, the whole reason I tried online dating in the first place was because I can never seem to meet girls on nights out or whatever. The opportunity to talk to a girl on a night out is rare, as I can never bring myself to just walk up and start a conversation with a random woman. The thought alone of doing it just makes me feel anxious.

Whenever I DO get talking to a girl on a night out (the conversation would likely have been initiated by the girl), I try to be polite and get her talking about herself and what she does, but it always seems to fizzle out. I'm not sure whether it's a confidence thing, whether they don't find me attractive, or what it is.

Oddly enough, when I'm around women who I'm introduced to in work or through friends, I'm confident as anyone, not in a sleazy way, but I'll start conversations, maintain lots of eye contact, try and just be myself. However, this has proved to be an express ticket to the friend zone, and as we all know, it's usually a one-way journey. I guess I'm crippled by rejection anxiety or lack of confidence or whatever it's called, but I'm wondering if anyone has a similar problem and has worked around it?

Hi, OP. Coming from a girl's perspective there is no right and wrong way to make a move. To be honest girls are just as nervous when making general chit chat on nights out, and the hardest part is keeping the momentum of the conversation flowing. Especially in a bar/club situation where the music is loud, not only are you struggling to hear what the person is saying, but also thinking to yourself I hope he's not bored, or am I saying too much. That said, if you find the conversation is dwindling, suggest to go get a drink if you havent one, or else if you like the girl, take her number there and then and cut it short there but text/call the next day.

Its horribly daunting but dont see it as rejection. Not every shoe fits so to speak and when you dont end up with the girl at the end of the night it can be for many reasons, she may be with someone or enivitably not interested. But hold out all the same.

Oh and as for talking to girls, you mentioned you get them talking about themselves. thats all well and good, but after about ten mins, talk a bit about yourself, as maybe the conversation fizzles out because the girl gets nervous or doesnt know what to say, as in most conversations need balance, you talk to someone to get different ideas and perspectives, so the girl would like to hear about you too, it would be boring if she just talked about herself, the interesting part is getting to know new things. So give it a shot, and find a common interest, for instance what bar/club you are in. is it her regular place, is she here with friends, is she from the area or abroad, and so on. these are things you can find common ground on.

I'm not a guy, so I cant speak for them :rolleyes: But as a girl in her early twenties, most girls appreciate the effort guys make when they approach, granted, they're are a select few who are uncanningly rude and down right horrible, but you wouldnt want to end up with those type anyway. So dont give up with the approaching methods, there is no one method. Any girl appreciates it, and a simple, hi there or a nice smile at the bar while getting a drink will warm the coldest of hearts. Best of luck

Kevin Duffy

Perhaps you could look at alternatives to nights out. There are lots of ways to meet women, such as sports clubs or other interests. Meeting in a situation where the activity carries the conversation along can take the pressure off you.

LegacyUser

Hi folks

Thanks for the responses. Both helpful. I agree, getting the conversational balance right is always important, and for the most part I think I do. It's just then afterwards, I get stuck in my head, over analysing and second- guessing myself (does she likes me? is she flirting or just outgoing?) and all this self-doubt and over-thinking kind of stalls me, and I don't know how to take it one step further beyond mere conversation.

I should have explained before that this post was motivated by the fact that a couple of months ago a new girl started working in my office. She's really friendly, charismatic, outgoing, not to mention drop-dead gorgeous, and I really have a thing for her.

The two of us get on really well - we work in different depts., but she'd often stop by my desk after work and talk to me for a few mins, and she'll often say hi to me when she's walking by (and not to anyone else). We have each other's number as she asked for mine one night when I went to buy a round of drinks in case I got lost (the place was jammers) and then gave me hers in case I had trouble getting home later that night.She'll ask me to help her with stuff in work and where things are as well. She added me on Facebook the other day and hasn't added anyone else from my dept.


Trying to think objectively, the signs to me looked quite good. The thing is, we don't really talk outside of work and work nights out - we don't text really or talk on FB chat which puts doubts in my mind as to whether she is interested or just outgoing and friendly. She also mentioned this guy who she likes and who she texts (he seems to be a bit of a tool from what I hear) so that was kind of disappointing for me.

Coming back to the original post, I'm petrified of making a move, asking her out or whatever because of the general issues I have with flirting and being "proactive" on top of the fact that she is a work colleague, which is fraught with the potential for awkwardness if she says she's not interested, and these mixed signals I'm getting. Anybody ANY ideas as to what I should do?

Thanks

LegacyUser

"She also mentioned this guy who she likes and who she texts (he seems to be a bit of a tool from what I hear) so that was kind of disappointing for me. "

i would be careful op.usually if a girl likes you they wont be mentioning other men in front of you.she could just be a friendly outgoing person and see's you as a friend.maybe give it some time and gauge the situation if things dont work out with the other guy maybe ask her out on a date.

best of luck

LegacyUser

maybe ask her out for a drink... thing is if you dont make a move, someone else will, and often it is the pushy tools that hound women that get the good women, because men are expected to make first move, usually women wont, so when you don,t she will most likely think your not into her or not confident enough... if you dont do it, will will be kicking yourself when she is talking about the new guy etc...

IrishEyes19

ShyGuy1 wrote: »

Hi folks

Thanks for the responses. Both helpful. I agree, getting the conversational balance right is always important, and for the most part I think I do. It's just then afterwards, I get stuck in my head, over analysing and second- guessing myself (does she likes me? is she flirting or just outgoing?) and all this self-doubt and over-thinking kind of stalls me, and I don't know how to take it one step further beyond mere conversation.

I should have explained before that this post was motivated by the fact that a couple of months ago a new girl started working in my office. She's really friendly, charismatic, outgoing, not to mention drop-dead gorgeous, and I really have a thing for her.

The two of us get on really well - we work in different depts., but she'd often stop by my desk after work and talk to me for a few mins, and she'll often say hi to me when she's walking by (and not to anyone else). We have each other's number as she asked for mine one night when I went to buy a round of drinks in case I got lost (the place was jammers) and then gave me hers in case I had trouble getting home later that night.She'll ask me to help her with stuff in work and where things are as well. She added me on Facebook the other day and hasn't added anyone else from my dept.


Trying to think objectively, the signs to me looked quite good. The thing is, we don't really talk outside of work and work nights out - we don't text really or talk on FB chat which puts doubts in my mind as to whether she is interested or just outgoing and friendly. She also mentioned this guy who she likes and who she texts (he seems to be a bit of a tool from what I hear) so that was kind of disappointing for me.

Coming back to the original post, I'm petrified of making a move, asking her out or whatever because of the general issues I have with flirting and being "proactive" on top of the fact that she is a work colleague, which is fraught with the potential for awkwardness if she says she's not interested, and these mixed signals I'm getting. Anybody ANY ideas as to what I should do?

Thanks

I would bite the bullet and sent her casual text asking her out for a drink some evening, the fact that it would be night time and the fact it is a drink, should alert her quite nicely that its a potential date. I know the whole work issue is a daunting thought, but sure go for it. The worse she can say is no, and if she does, cut your losses and just wait for the next oppertunity with some other nice girl. But if you really like her, go for it. Would be disappointing to see her ten years down the line and be wondering what if.

LegacyUser

bambixox wrote: »

"She also mentioned this guy who she likes and who she texts (he seems to be a bit of a tool from what I hear) so that was kind of disappointing for me. "

i would be careful op.usually if a girl likes you they wont be mentioning other men in front of you.she could just be a friendly outgoing person and see's you as a friend.maybe give it some time and gauge the situation if things dont work out with the other guy maybe ask her out on a date.

best of luck

This is a good point, and that thought had occurred to me as well. I hope I didn't sound presumptuous in my previous posts - I'm not assuming anything, and I've always tried to keep it professional, but just based on the "signals" (if you could call them that) I was receiving I thought there might be more to it. I know she did score a guy on a weekend away there last weekend so obviously her stake in him isn't too high. Also, when we were on a night out with work, he ended up going as well, and the two barely spoke two words to each other, and he seemed to be cracking on to any girl that came near him so I'm guessing it's not a serious crush she has on him.


He came across as a typical meathead sales guy in his mid 20s, really cocky, self-assured, and just the total opposite of what I'm about. I hope that's not the type of guy she's into because if it is, then she'll definitely say no if I ask her out!!!