LDR breakup hitting me hard

LegacyUser

Guys,

I think I need help. I'm a 30+ year old guy and I broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years just over 2 months ago. We had our ups and downs like every couple but I always knew I loved her and had planned to marry her one day. This was it for me
However she had to go home because she had no work here and got depressed with the state of her career. I supported her the best that I could financially, emotionally and did everything I could to make her happy but it wasn't enough. All that she had was me in Ireland.

It ended but I still love her. I wrote to her a few weeks later telling her that I was happy to move over to her, that I didn't want to break up.
She needed to sort herself out and suggested maybe we see how things are in a few months.
I went no contact to respect her need for space and get myself back on my feet again.
But its so hard. First thing I think about in the morning is her, and usually last thing at night.
I'm crying as I write this :S (which is crap cause as a man I should be stronger than this). The thing with me is that this is hurting me so bad. We have had one or two emails since. I've tried to do the proper polite, friendly and not ask any questions back other than to wish her well and hope she is doing good which I genuinely do, but she has not said anything about rekindling anything when she is back in Dublin, never said she missed me etc... So I have to accept that she wants it over (not least because of logistics right now) and move on myself. But this is so hard to do , because there is a part of me that just refuses to let go hope.
I have never been like this before post breakup.
I try and keep as busy as possible during the week, but it's the weekends when it hits me worst. At weekends most of my friends are coupled up, don't have time, etc... And most of my friends are pretty much 'well you broke up over two months ago, get over it , she probably is'. It's stupid little things that upset and set me off, but it was the dumbest things that I used to love about her. I can't bear the idea of her meeting someone new right now.
Is this normal to feel this way two months later at my age ?

The 'time heals' thing doesn't really look to be working for me, because the longer I am apart from her the more I miss her.

Re-reading this back , I just realize how pathetic I sound. Thank god for anonymous posts.

LighterGuy

Dont worry about crying mate. Blokes cry. We get hurt. Even if we dont want to admit it and here's a tip about the "time heals all" thing - its true. It does heal. However the expression never says how long it'll take. Sure it can take me 2 months to get over a girl, it could take you 2 years. We only realise time heals all after we're over it.

BUT... i dont mean to be harsh here. But in situations like these it helps to see things the way they are. By not wanting to accept the truth we can perlong the healing process.

The relationship is over. The line: "..She needed to sort herself out and suggested maybe we see how things are in a few months..." is a breakup line used by her. A way to end things with the least of mess. 'Ah sure we see where things are in a few months' :rolleyes: aka, its over and I dont have the bottle to say it to you. An lie expression thats been said millions of times over the course of life.

So ... its healing time.
- dont contact her no more. (it'll take longer)
- do not look at her facebook etc if she has one (really screws your head up)
- try to get out more at the weekend. Limit your alone time. You start thinking.

LegacyUser

I suppose I know its over I just don't like it. It hurts the way she went about ending it. I kind of hoped that she would change her mind/regret this by now. Her best friend told me a week after we broke up that it had nothing to do with me but it was to do with her and that she had commitment issues that she needed to sort. My ex even said that she knew she was being self-centered only wanting to have to worry about herself right now, but that she needs to be able to get a career for herself to be happy with me.

The hardest part of all this is that the last time we saw each other , she was crying her eyes out at the airport, telling me I was it for her. She wanted me to move over. This was shortly before we broke up.

I've cut contact. I only respond politely if she mails me but I do not initiate contact. It really just hit me this week though, the feeling depressed part, because another friend of mine got engaged and it suddenly dawned on me what not having her in my life anymore actually means.

I find myself wondering , was I not attractive to her anymore, was I bad in bed, despite what she said was she just not in love with me, is it because her ex started hanging out of her again etc...

And the messed up part, for everything she has put me through I still love her and want her back.

Structurally Sound Mentally Unstable

LDR_Relationship,
I am going to share with you my experiences, which is that of the person who wants to end the relationship like your girlfriend did.

I have been in a LDR for over 3 years now. No issues at the start, everything was great. Having a partner somewhere else was exciting and new. Eventually reality set in about 6 months ago when I realised the difficulties of mainting the relationship. Lonliness and doubt set in. And now I feel the end of our relationship is near.

I still love my boyfriend 100%. I still see myself getting married and setlling down to start a family. The thing is these things are so far down the line, and I am unhappy in the meantime, I feel I have no choice to end it. I am at a crossroads in my life at work too, and I feel I need to make these decisions completely on my own. Not worrying about how my decisions will influence others. Probably selfice, but not how I feel about it.

My boyfriend said he will move to me if he can, but this is putting too much pressure on me. Subcontiously this will influence my decisions. I am not ready for someone to make such a huge gesture for me, even though we are going out so long. Yes, I see myself marrying him. But this would mean we are stuck together, for lack of a better word.

It is a risk I am thinking of taking. It could be the biggest of my life. But if you are unhappy then you have to take steps to change them.

I hope you can see how this applies to your problem.:) Even if you have to relate my story to yours.

There is little doubt that your girlfriend still has feelings for you. She said that you will see in a few months how she is feeling. I would say there was a small shred of truth to this, but this might have been to comfort herself rather than you. In a few months she might change her mind, realise she made a huge mistake and take you back.

The more likely situation is that she is feeling relieved with a weight off her shoulders. Yes, she loved you. But she has been thinking about this long before she broke up with you and thus is more emotionally ready to move on faster. You on the other hand, had a bomb dropped on you. You have to play catch up with the X amount of months of thought she has already put into the break up.

I would say cut contact. Do not try to talk to her until you are over the relationship. I wouldnt even think of talking to her at all as this will not help the situation.

Take your time, gather your thoughts. Only time will heal your heart. Only time will tell if she wants to get back with you. In the meantime move on like you will never see her again, this might be the truth.

LegacyUser

Thanks structurally sound.

It sounds very familiar. I knew she was unhappy and she had taken it out on me and I wasn't happy with that. I understood why, but figured it was a speed bump in the relationship and to stand by her. Eventually I called her on it. I believe her when she says she still loves me , but I'm afraid I will be filed under 'the guy it didn't work out with or incompatible or it just couldn't work cause of the distance'.

The thing is , we had such potential. We still do. We both said that for all our problems we had something very different and special together. It just feels a waste to throw it away. Not pursue it because it isn't easy. Not only was it a bomb being dropped on me, but there didn't really need to be so much pressure on her about it. I had told her I was happy to move over and take a few steps back, slow things down. I want her to prioritize her career, I just want the pair of us to be part of each others lives.

I think not seeing her has made me miss her more. But I really cannot see the same thing happening for her since she was the one ending it. I hate the idea that she is moving on faster than me. That she doesn't miss me, that she may be dating other guys now.
I don't want to be just another boyfriend to her. I wanted to be that special someone because that was the way I saw her in my life. I still do.

I have no doubt she feels relieved about the situation. Of course she does, a decision has been made and it is a lot of pressure me moving over. Right now I think she will rationalise that its the right decision because she will feel the pressure is off and it is the easy 'solution'. The thing is, I don't think that makes it the right decision in the long term because it's not every day you meet someone you click with and I really appreciate that about her. And the going no contact while the logical way to speed up healing process , also feels totally counter intuitive if you want to rescue something. It would be nice to be able to call her up and talk to her about this, try and change her mind. But I shouldn't have to convince her to give us a chance and contacting her again would only be tantamount to not respecting her need for space and would only push her further away, loose my dignity and come across as the devastated , clingy ex bf.

Either way, I suppose it doesn't change anything. I have cut contact like I said other than short, sort of friendly polite replies. I'm doing things to improve my life, get my independence again. But I would be lying if I didn't say a part of me is hoping still that a miracle will happen for me. But I think someone up there is fresh out.

She did the right thing for her right now. I agree with it in that I don't want her being with me if she is unhappy and needs her space. I was nice about it. I took the if you love someone set them free approach to this. I have no resentment or regrets. But the hard part is knowing that breaking up when there is such distance involved means there is no way ever to get back or work on things when she is in a better place with herself. Because she won't be open to it with the distance.

I can hand on heart honestly say I have never felt like this before.
And I'm genuinely wondering if this is normal to still be so upset about someone a few months after breaking up. I can't see myself with anyone else, I think about her still all the time, I don't enjoy things I used to enjoy and right now I'm just forcing myself to do new things to try and take my mind off stuff.

Thanks anyway for the kind and honest advice guys. It does help.