No way out of relationship

LegacyUser · 01-05-2011 1:04pm #1

Going unreg for this for obvious reasons.

Basically I don't know what to do anymore. I'm trapped in a marriage and I can't see anyway out. I'm misearable and can't take it anymore, but due to my financial circumstances I can't do anything.

I don't know where to start. I met my husband when I was 20 and got married when I was 21. I would have preferred to wait, but he's 14 years older than me and didn't want to wait. I wasn't forced into it, but I supposed was pressured a bit. He was my first "serious" realtionship and I was very naive. Shortly after getting married I got very sick, a serious illness which meant I wan't able to work for quite a few years. I was back at work a couple of years ago but due to the recession lost my job last year and just can't find another one. Because of my husband's earnings I'm no longer entitled to claim anything so have absolutely no money of my own and this is a huge part of the problem.. My husband has a good job with good earnings, but is very careful with money and doesn't want to give me money. It's at the stage now where I literally have to beg for it and I feel like complete s**t. I'm on medication due to illness (not entitled to a medical card etc) and have to ask him for money for that every month. Every month he makes a big deal out of it. He gives me money for groceries every week and I'm really trying to save a few quid out of that but I can't because it's just not enough.

There are a lot of other problems as well. He's constantly putting me down and giving an opinion on what I wear/how I look etc. Even members of his own family have noticed this and have commented on it.

He frequently gives his brother money and tells me it's a loan but I honestly don't think his brother has ever given any of it back. The most recent time was just last week when he let his brother put a new suite on his credit card for €1000.

He wants to have children, but I'm just so confused about it. I didn't have them in my twenties because I was so ill it would have been physically impossible. I don't want to have a child now and be stuck with him for the rest of my life because of having a child together. At the same time I'm afraid that time is running out for me because I'm 31 now and my biological clock is ticking.

I suggested counselling and after saying no countless times he eventually agreed to go, however it was a disaster. I tried to discuss the financial aspect of things and the fact that he was giving money to his brother but not to me, but he twisted it during the session and the counsellor ended up believing everything he said, including the fact that it's my fault that we're not having sex. It probably is my fault, but I don't want to have sex with him. I don't find him attractive, I don't love him and basically I don't want to be with him anymore, but I have no money to go anywhere or do anything else.

I think my parents have an inkling that things aren't right, but I tried to discuss it with my mother before and was basically told to "cop onto myself" because I didn't have "real problems"

He had a house when we got married and I've been told before that it's "his" house, not our house. I'd love to walk away from it all but where am I supposed to go? I don't care about the house or any of the rest of it. I'd happily walk away and leave it all there, but I have no money to do it.

I'd love to end it all (the relationship I mean) and meet someone who would love me and who I could love and be happy with, but I don't think that's ever going to happen.

Sitting here now typing this and crying. What am I going to do?

Humria · 01-05-2011 3:25pm

I think you are being wise by not immediately having children when you are unsure of the relationship. Bringing children into this situation can only complicate things. Could you possibly make an appointment with the legal aid board to discuss your options? It's sometimes down to luck in terms of what representation you get, but at least it means you are making an effort to change something. If you want to get out of this marriage, you can find a way to do it. It may be difficult but you are not without options.

Ickle Magoo · 01-05-2011 3:27pm

There is little point in fretting about what he's doing for his brother or other people - time to look after No.1. If counselling isn't an option or you don't want to risk trying another counsellor, then I think you have to sit down and make a time line and plan to leave.

While running out the door may sound lovely, it's not really very practical. If your husband is unwilling to share any monies then first things first, I think you should concentrate on getting a job and get saving. Squirrel away any and all money you can at least until you can pay rent and get some head space and if you still can't stand the man, start divorce proceedings.

All the best.

IrishEyes19 · 01-05-2011 3:30pm

Hi, OP, I understand how you feel you are running out of time to have a child, but you will still be unhappy when you are older, and have a child, it wont change anything and children will see that. I think you should leave if you want to.

histories · 01-05-2011 9:51pm

Hey OP

You sound like you're in a bad situation. From the comment you made about your mother it doesn't sound like she is of much help, have you a good friend support you could reach out to, or any siblings? One user mentioned getting onto legal aid, I would second this as they can be very helpful, even if you ring up the citizen's advice centre they can give you a lot of info.

LEGAL AID
Quay Street
Caherciveen
Kerry
Ireland
Tel:+353 (0)66 947 1000
Locall:1890 615 200
Homepage:http://www.legalaidboard.ie
Email:legalaid@eircom.net

Citizens Information Phone Service on lo-call 1890 777 121 or on +353 (0) 21 452 1600 (Monday to Friday, 9am to 9pm).

Things might seem bleak now but there are people who can help you. Keep your chin up chick and best of luck.

LegacyUser · 01-05-2011 10:28pm

Hi OP,
sounds to me that there are a few things you could do to improve your situation.
I have suffered serious illness and have a disability but I have always worked or volunteered.
I have also raised a family in my early twenties. My husband gave money for the groceries and paid the bills. I never asked for money for anything else from him, as I feel if a spouse/partner is paying the bills and saving the rest then I would prefer that to someone who spends it on rubbish.
Your husband has supported you for years, it is not your fault that you were ill but maybe the man (in his 40s now?) now is getting a little fed up of having a housewife and no children.
Do you want to find a man who will pay all the bills while you stay home without having babies?
If you find him can you give me his phone number please?
You sound like you need to get a work placement (and yes FAS does help us married women)
so you can get back your self respect. Your husband is being quite honest in telling you no babies then no housewife.

bronte · 01-05-2011 10:30pm

Op it is not too late to give yourself a new start.
You really can't stay in this situation. It sounds horrible.
I could be wrong, but it sounds as if you're in a relationship with an incredibly domineering, controlling individual. The money thing seems to be just another way to control you. Even other people have noticed it.

You're only 31 and you deserve to with somebody who loves you and looks on you as their partner. This man does not.
I know your mother hasn't had much sympathy but perhaps she doesn't know the full extent of what you're going through? What about your dad? I know mine would hit the roof if he knew I was in a situation like this. Do you have siblings you could talk to? If I were in your shoes I'd be screaming for help at this stage.
Nobody can say you didn't try to make it work.
Never be afraid to ask for help. You're better than this.

LegacyUser · 01-05-2011 11:04pm

Choccie wrote: »

My husband gave money for the groceries and paid the bills. I never asked for money for anything else from him

I never asked for money for anything except medication. When I was working I paid my share of the bills.

Your husband has supported you for years, it is not your fault that you were ill but maybe the man (in his 40s now?) now is getting a little fed up of having a housewife and no children.
Do you want to find a man who will pay all the bills while you stay home without having babies?
If you find him can you give me his phone number please?
You sound like you need to get a work placement (and yes FAS does help us married women)
so you can get back your self respect. Your husband is being quite honest in telling you no babies then no housewife.

No I don't want a man who will pay all the bills while I stay home without having babies. I don't want to stay at home. I want a job. I had gone back to work after being ill as I pointed out in my post and the only reason I'm not at work now is due to the fact that I lost my job when the company I worked with closed and despite trawling places with cv's, unfortunately I have been unable to get another job yet.

As for your comment of "no babies, no housewife" what exactly is that supposed to mean? I don't WANT to be at home relying on my husband financially. I want to be out working.

You seem to think that I want to stay at home and expect to be supported financially while I do nothing. If you'd bothered to read my post properly then you'd see that's not the case.
I don't want or expect anyone to support me financially, but at present I don't have any other choice and my husband isn't being supportive to me.

You seem to think that I'm nothing but a greedy sponger. Thank you SO much for making me feel even worse about myself.

RhubarbCrumble · 01-05-2011 11:22pm

Choccie wrote: »

Do you want to find a man who will pay all the bills while you stay home without having babies?
If you find him can you give me his phone number please? Your husband is being quite honest in telling you no babies then no housewife.

I'm sorry, but are you actually for real?!

Where in the OP's post did she ever say that she was looking for someone to pay her bills while she stayed at home without having babies?
The OP said that she was unable to find a job at present and that her husband wasn't being particularly helpful to her as regards helping her out financially at the moment.
To me it sounds as though she's trapped in a very difficult situation (not just financially) and certainly doesn't sound as if she's sitting at home expecting to be "a kept woman"

OP, I'm sorry I don't really have any advice for you, but what I will say is DON'T pay any attention to Choccie's reply.

gypsy_rose · 02-05-2011 12:08am

Yeah, OP, sometimes people write unhelpful things on here, just ignore them. Now, I know you're unhappy and don't feel like you can escape this situation, but there's always a way. I am unclear as to whether you are well enough to work at the moment, but if you are, I suggest you move out as soon as you can, get yourself a job, and be free. Obviously you won't have as nice a house etc. as you do now, but it'll be the first step towards your new happy life. You are never trapped and there are always options. I wish I could give you more practical advice, other posters seem to be better able to though, so I recommend you ring the numbers they have supplied and get on with your new life.
All the best

LegacyUser · 02-05-2011 9:22am

Hey there OP just want to say sorry I read over my post and think I was a little harsh..sorry about that.

I wonder if you would be able to volunteer as having lived and worked through the 1980s recession I have seen how unemployment can affect a person's close relationships.
Many of my friends lost their marriages/ relationships because of the strain it can cause..the person working starts to resent the other while the person not working suffers daily rejection on the job hunt and loss of self worth.
I had a stint of unemployment in 1980s and have to say it was mentally unbearable until I started volunteering and eventually back to work.
Today's recession is no different.......if you are a well person without kids it will grind you down to be dependent on your OH. Hope something turns up for you soon.

ravima · 02-05-2011 10:48am

you poor thing. you need to talk to someone. You have tried the counselling, which has not worked for you. He seems to be bullying you and you do not have to put up with that. All of us humans are entitled to a certain degree of dignity. he is wrong and very wrong, when he says its 'his' house and not 'our' house. It seems to me to be the 'family home' and both have rights to it.

If you think that you are at the end of the road, why not talk to a friendly family solicitor. If you are in a small town, you might want to move to another larger town for the consultation. I would suggest that you approach a firm that have a specific family type practise, rather than a one man/woman show.

If you were married in the catholic church, you might want to talk to a priest regarding an annulment. At 21 and with a 14 year age gap, you may not have been mature enough to appreciate the seriousness of the sacrament.

None of us might deserve bliss, but none of us deserve to be treated as you either!

LegacyUser · 02-05-2011 11:49am

Hi OP,

First of all, we're only hearing one point of view here, so I actually think the above poster's comments about unemployment and the strain it puts on relationships is relevant. Also I can understand a man in his mid forties getting concerned about ongoing childlessness.

Your husband could well be a controlling bully, or he could be a man who loves his woman but doesn't understand her needs... that's really only something you and him can be the judge of.

But as you're the one asking for help here... it certainly wounds like your stuck - financially or mentally - and it does sound like you want out of your marriage.

You're only 31, so although the biological clock is a concern, you could well meet someone else within the next 5 yrs, so put that out of your head.

I'm going to give you a figure: 2000 euros. That's what it takes to get set up on your own, with or without a job. That will cover a deposit and a months rent, anywhere in the country, and some spare cash to keep you going while you get set up on dole - yes, you may have to wait for dole, but you can apply for emergency money from the health board meantime.
So, do you have a car to sell?
Can you go and be really straight with your family and ask them for a loan?

Moving out doesn't have to be permanent. Sadly, it would hurt your husband very much, but maybe it would give you the space you need to work things out.

I suspect that your sense of being stuck is not entirely financial. It's hard to leave a situation like you have, being dependent on someone from such a young age is like being institutionalised. Go to counselling on your own. Accord will accept very little money if you're stuck, you don't need to go with your partner, and while they do support marriage, they also support your own decisions and growth.

Forget about the loans for the brother, that's completely irrelevant.

LegacyUser · 02-05-2011 2:29pm

OP, my mother left my father with 5 children, she left the house, everything behind. She had no education, no money (welfare), nothing. She was 33. I'm so proud of her. As a family we turned out rather well if I do say so myself.

My point is my mother survived under very tough conditions. Never let money be your deciding factor, you wont starve, you wont have to sleep on the streets.

You will survive. You're a young woman...VERY young

Witchie · 02-05-2011 7:10pm

Really sorry to hear that you are so unhappy OP.

I think if I was in your situation I would ask a friend if you can go stay with them for a few days to get your head straight and go to the Dole office etc and get the ball rolling on getting money for yourself.

Tell your husband that you feel the marriage is over and you need some space, maybe he will go stay with his brother for a while or something either.

You cant stay stuck in this situation coz that will only damage your mental health and the longer you stay the harder it will be.

Good luck missus. x

LegacyUser · 02-05-2011 11:55pm

the fact kids are not involved should make things easier, I would get legal advice on situation, it does not mean you have to act on anything. basically money (a job) is independence. I dont think you can even contemplate staying in misery for the rest of your life. The fact that kids are not involved makes thing alot more straight forward, also you are 31, not 35/36, so you have another while before the biological clock / kids thing, becomes a serious issue... could you move back home or move into brother or sister or friends place for a while?

JackieBurkhart · 03-05-2011 11:20pm

I am replying with the presumption that there is no room for reconciliation and rebuilding the relationship. TBH from your post it doesn't sound like you hold out much hope on this front. You married way too young and way too soon. There is no point in blaming others at this point. He should have known better, maybe your parents should have intervened, maybe you were silly...but there is no point in going over this now. Was he good to you when you were ill? Or was it much the same?

You have received good advice about looking at your legal options - but at this point your concerns and the immediate concerns are financial - this is what you need to concentrate on in the short term. Is there anyone you could stay with in the short term - friend or relative? Surely you could go to you parents for the moment? You need to go to SW (CWO) and plead your case and exhaust all options for financial aid. You can then move on to obtaining any work you can and hopefully regaining your independence.

Forget about the biological clock - you are young at 31 - same age as me in fact;). You don't want to add to the reasons why you can't get out. A lot can happen in a few years - what will be short term loss and hardship, will be rewarded with happiness in the future.

Distorted · 04-05-2011 9:34am

You sound rather as if you have been controlled all your life by either your parents or your husband and you are now waking up. What I will say though is of course it is possible to be independent, if you want it enough. In your case, it will obviously entail a severe drop in standard of living, but since the alternative is basically staying with someone you don't love for the money, it is one surely worth taking. And since you are married, if you get divorced you will probably be entitled to a share of the house and perhaps some maintenance.

So you need to start planning ahead, saving whatever money you can just now, continuing to job hunt or at least volunteering, and see a solicitor. These are practical steps you can take.

Loads of people manage on their own without money behind them. Many people have no choice but to leave home at a young age and rent as cheap a room in a shared flat as possible and support themselves. It is certainly possible. But speaking practically, if you don't find some way of supporting yourself in the reasonably close future, your only option is going to be to rely on someone else to support you. Its not going to happen otherwise, so that is what your efforts should be focussed on.

tbh I wouldn't be that hard on your husband. He has supported you through illness and provided you with somewhere nice to live. No-one made you marry him.

No way out of relationship

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