Dating an intellectual...

LegacyUser

Hello everyone.

Just looking for some advice on my situation at the moment. Have been seeing a guy recently who I like a lot. He's kind, thoughtful, good-looking, funny and sexy but what stands out most is his intelligence. It's fair to say he's an intellectual. He has a Masters in Physics, a Masters in Anthropology, a degree in IT and is doing a 3rd Masters in Sociology. I have a degree in media from a second rate university. I'm intelligent as well but on a different scale and I'm not naturally studious. I read the papers most days, keep myself fairly updated on current affairs (although not as much as I'd like as I work crazy hours but it is required for my job so I make the effort) and I read a lot of fiction literature but the scope of what I know is not very broad and I can't talk in detail about anything and everything like him. I'm much more into enjoying myself, having fun, travelling, going out, laughing...I'm no bimbo but I know there's a limit to my intelligence and in my spare time, I prefer to relax and just enjoy myself. We get along well and I make him laugh a lot and he says he's attracted to my intelligence but I'm paranoid he'll get bored of me eventually because I can't keep him mentally stimulated. I know he's very sexually attracted to me and I'd be afraid that's all that'd keep him around. The sex is incredible but I want for him to feel we get along on an intellectual level too....however I don't want to start blagging it and pretending I'm something I'm not and for it to sound contrived. I have opinions on plenty of things and can usually hold a conversation with most people (my job requires that) but if it's an indepth discussion on a political topic for example, I start to feel a little out of my depth after a while.

He's 10 years older than me so I suppose he has more life experience (I'm early 30s, he's early 40s) so I have to take that into account. He doesn't patronise or make me feel stupid and has told me that besides from what I look like, it's my brain that's keeping him around (I didn't ask him this, by the way) but it's early days and I'm afraid he thinks I'm something I'm not. A sort of sham. I like him and I want to be with him but I'm afraid the mental glue might not be there for the long run.

Anyone have any advice????

Well firstly, as I'm sure you know, academic intelligence is not a measure of character or common sense. In my experience, people spend time developing themselves. Some develop themselves academically, some develop socially, some develop general knowledge. All these things take time. So in the time he was off getting masters, you were off learning other things, be they life skills or hobbies or whatever. He may have years on you, but you've been focusing more time than him on things which you may not recognise as intelligence, but which are. I know some extremely intelligent people, but their interpersonal intelligence doesn't extend past their ability to talk about what they know. In fact I've heard some shocking stuff from "intelligent" people. People who could probably recite entire textbooks, but ask them anything not specifically studied by them and they're lost. So don't feel overwhelmed/out of your depth with him, because you've probably got a lot for him to feel out of his depth about.

Secondly, if you're having trouble keeping up with what he's talking about, there's no harm in asking him about stuff. After earning almost 3 masters, I'm sure he'd probably relish the opportunity to explain what he's studied to someone. You can still have a discussion about your opinions even if you've had to have some things explained beforehand.

As to my first point, here's a list of the 8 intelligences (some people add/subtract from that number) recognised by good ol' Wikipedia
Spatial
Linguistic
Logical/mathmatical
Bodily-kinesthetic
Musical
Interpersonal
Intrapersonal
Naturalistic

How many do you have experience in, and how any does he? It may turn out that he has finely tuned one intelligence, while you have dabbled in many.

Tl;dr version - You have just as much to offer as he does, don't be afraid to show off your intelligence just because it hasn't come from a book. Most of all, don't feel like he has something on you/will get bored. He wont.

baby and crumble

Undoubtedly it is your intelligence that he loves, probably because it's of a different type to his.

For example, I'm a pretty academic type person- I'm doing a PhD and have done a masters, a h.dip, and a degree. (please don't think I'm trying to make myself sound great, I'm simply explaining) and my partner isn't academic like me. She has this amazing brain that works completely differently to mine, and that's what I love. It's a type of creative intelligence that I simply don't have. When we debate stuff, she comes up with these amazing opinions that seem totally out of left field to me, but they just show how intelligent she is. Intelligence is not about knowledge.

Like you, though, I know it's something that she worries about- she thinks she's not smart enough for me, whatever that means! But I adore her brain, how it works, and how smart she is. I think I'd go mad if I was with someone who had the same type of intelligence as me, my God it would be horrendous! All my arguments and opinions are convoluted and removed from reality. Every time we have a debate or a discussion, she makes me see the world in a different way- I bet you do this exact thing for your boyfriend. Please believe him when he tells you how smart you are. You certainly seem like an intelligent person in your post!

Mulan

some great advice in both replies, fair play, ya don't get that too often!!! well done

spinandscribble

Academics tend to scare non academics. I don't know why, some of the dumbest people I know are academics! Just because you don't read the same things as him doesn't mean you don't stimulate his mind, if anything the fact you come from a different background you should be able to discuss things he wouldn't with his buddies in the uni.

There's different types of intelligences, which was already mentioned, but don't worry so much about comparing or contrasting between the two of you. I'm sure someday soon he'll do something dumb/you'll make him feel dumb. Your strengths will shine through as will his weaknesses.

thecookingapple

So he is attracted to you mentally and physically? so what advice do you actually need? he maybe be an academic but i doubt he knows everything, just enjoy your blossoming relationship and remember he will learn as much from you as you will from him, be yourself and dont worry about knowing the prime minister from 1845.

He likes you.

He likes you.

He likes you.

Thats all you need to learn.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Sinfonia

My girlfriend and I are academics in the same field, and while it's always a nice little bonus to be able to converse on that level, it ultimately doesn't matter to the relationship, we're together because of our characters and our attraction and we've plenty of other things in common. So I wouldn't worry about it

Faith

I'm fairly academic myself, and have always done very well academically. My ex went to college for the first time at 26 and is doing a very practical course, rather than a hardcore academic one. I'd say he's the smartest person I know. He used drive me mad because he was always right when we debated something, and I'm far from stupid. I love talking to him because he has great opinions on things and we can discuss topics for hours. I'm pretty sure he doesn't realise how smart he is. He could do absolutely anything he put his mind to if he wanted to, and that's very clear to me.

I couldn't go out with someone who wasn't on a similar level of intelligence as myself, and from what I can see, most of my friends are the same. I can't think of any couples who would be very different in intelligence levels. Just because he's more educated that you doesn't mean he's way smarter than you. Trust him when he says he likes your brain. If he didn't, he wouldn't still be hanging around.

LegacyUser

I've a masters, and I'm the best read person I know. That sounds like a boast but it's actually a fact. So I consider myself fairly intellectual.

But the men I've been attracted to and had relationships with have all been tradesmen or practical types - and all very naturally intelligent. Do I talk to my man about the books I'm reading or the topics that I currently find fascinating? Sometimes, but I don't expect him to understand the whole context of the knowledge - only the odd interesting idea. That doesn't bother me in the slightest. I have friends that I can talk about intellectual matter to.

I doubt your fella has any problems with your intellect at all. Opposites attract.

But... why do you feel intimidated by his background? Maybe you feel something missing in your own? If so, then go fill that gap. Follow your interests and learn about what you love.

metrovelvet

The only thing that can bring this down is if you or both of you perceive an imbalance in things.

Intellectuals like good conversation but you don't have to have 12 phds to hold your own with one.

My reservations about intellectuals is they tend to get stuck in their heads and can get so cerebral and ivory towered they lose touch with feeling and that can feel like an absence. If the specialty is in the humanties then they can also use a lot of sophisiticated talk to avoid reality.

Sometimes I get fed up of it and have said 'I didnt realise I was at a high table at Balliol.'

LegacyUser

ah the old "intellectual insecurity" chestnut....intelligence covers a huge range of topics from emotional to academic. unless he is boring you or you him them it does'nt matter as long as you enjoy each other company... masters / degrees etc showcase one section of human intelligence, not the whole pie...

Emme

An intellectual who has self-confidence won't use his or her qualifications to intimidate others. I have dated guys with PhDs and a guy who didn't finish his Leaving Cert and sometimes there was very little difference in intelligence between them, only some were academics and the guy who didn't do his Leaving was a successful self-employed businessman. The only books he read were about explorers and adventurers.

OP, you said that you work crazy hours so how are you supposed to read a substantial amount of highbrow literature or books on quantum physics if you haven't the time to do it?

Sometimes academics can be very narrow in their focus, they're experts in their chosen field. However, they might not be as informed as somebody who may not be as qualified but reads a good newspaper every day and has a wide range of interests.

Intelligence is how you respond to the world around you and that can be in many different forms.

Wompa1

Academic intelligence doesn't really reflect intelligence in my viewpoint especially in Ireland where the Universities are purely exam based without continous performance reviews. Many just study up at the end of the year to get a decent mark but never really understand or use what they study.

Is it that he's very opinionated and reads the news a lot or something?

One of my ex gf's never read or watched the news. Where as I like to talk about current affairs and the like. But what the difference between herself and you is, you are most likely actually intelligent, you might not know the story but if he told you I'd bet you could give an intelligent point of view on it. My ex could not...in hindsight she was a very fake person who relied on her peers to dictate what ideal and beliefs she should adopt. If he likes you, try not to over think things.

Distorted

People are often attracted to other people who can bring to the relationship what they themselves lack. So for example, you might be more practically minded than him.

I don't know about him being an academic, I'd say he is in danger of benig an eternal student unless he uses these qualfications in his work and gets published regularly! Particularly if the Masters degrees are taught ones and not research based ones. I'm a lawyer and have worked as a lecturer in the past, so I've met plenty of academics but most lawyers take them with a pinch of salt as in our field, professional practice is more important than further degrees, and getting published in respected academic journals is more important than further degrees as well.

I wouldn't worry, if he was one of those snooty academic types, you would almost certainly know by now!

Fentdog84

I any relationship, you want to be comfortable and able to be yourself when you are with the other person. Not trying to impress him or worrying about how you should be acting. It does sound like there is a bit of a division between you. Often these deep thinking, or academic types do tend to look down their nose at the more ''common minded'' people. A lot of these people are introverts and might not have good social skills or at expressing their emotions. Practical types tend to be more free spirited and go getters. But really this relationship shouldnt be based on his intellectual ability and whether you feel up to scratch..It works both ways. What are you getting out of it, are you really happy when you are around this person? These are the questions you need to be asking, not whether you have enough interesting new words learned for the chat over tonights dinner..Over the first few dates, maybe,when you want to make an impression. But after a while you need to get past that, and decide if YOU really want to be with this person.

discus

Don't play up to being intellectual about everything if honestly don't have an interest in it. My ex used to love taking and talking me through art galleries, even though I couldn't tell you a Monét from a Carravagio (back then ). It was acknowledged that I was the far lesser in terms of intelligence and culture, but she enjoyed being able to talk to someone about art, and I enjoyed her company and seeing how much she enjoyed an audience .

Moomoo1

Datingabrainyman wrote: »

Hello everyone.

Just looking for some advice on my situation at the moment. Have been seeing a guy recently who I like a lot. He's kind, thoughtful, good-looking, funny and sexy but what stands out most is his intelligence. It's fair to say he's an intellectual. He has a Masters in Physics, a Masters in Anthropology, a degree in IT and is doing a 3rd Masters in Sociology. I have a degree in media from a second rate university. I'm intelligent as well but on a different scale and I'm not naturally studious. I read the papers most days, keep myself fairly updated on current affairs (although not as much as I'd like as I work crazy hours but it is required for my job so I make the effort) and I read a lot of fiction literature but the scope of what I know is not very broad and I can't talk in detail about anything and everything like him. I'm much more into enjoying myself, having fun, travelling, going out, laughing...I'm no bimbo but I know there's a limit to my intelligence and in my spare time, I prefer to relax and just enjoy myself. We get along well and I make him laugh a lot and he says he's attracted to my intelligence but I'm paranoid he'll get bored of me eventually because I can't keep him mentally stimulated. I know he's very sexually attracted to me and I'd be afraid that's all that'd keep him around. The sex is incredible but I want for him to feel we get along on an intellectual level too....however I don't want to start blagging it and pretending I'm something I'm not and for it to sound contrived. I have opinions on plenty of things and can usually hold a conversation with most people (my job requires that) but if it's an indepth discussion on a political topic for example, I start to feel a little out of my depth after a while.

He's 10 years older than me so I suppose he has more life experience (I'm early 30s, he's early 40s) so I have to take that into account. He doesn't patronise or make me feel stupid and has told me that besides from what I look like, it's my brain that's keeping him around (I didn't ask him this, by the way) but it's early days and I'm afraid he thinks I'm something I'm not. A sort of sham. I like him and I want to be with him but I'm afraid the mental glue might not be there for the long run.

Anyone have any advice????

I really don't think you have much to worry about. I have a degree and a PhD in Maths, I am also interested in things like politics and history, but I don't feel that just for that reason I am any more intelligent than someone else. It is true, some academically minded people have a superiority complex, but I would like to think that most do not.

Not every conversation has to be about in-depth things, in fact most typically aren't, and I don't think that the fact that you don't know the finer issues of politics and can't argue with him over them would be a serious problem. And besides, you can always ask questions and have him explain you things you don't understand.

Moomoo1

Emme wrote: »

Sometimes academics can be very narrow in their focus, they're experts in their chosen field. However, they might not be as informed as somebody who may not be as qualified but reads a good newspaper every day and has a wide range of interests.

I can relate to that - when you are studying something in depth it sometimes tends to fill your life and you don't end up being interested in much else.