Lost

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

I am hoping you can help me. I feel utterly lost. I need advice, anything constructive before I press the self-destruct button on my life. I am a 22 yr old guy.

No specific problem as such, rather the accummulation of years of problems all coming to a head in and around the same time. I emigrated last year to Canada. It was more out of necessity than choice, my family home was sold following the death of my father. It was all rather depressing and hard to deal with following his sudden death so I guess I just repressed it all, outwardly, despite how close we were I seemed fine, I got on with it, smiled etc. But ever since i've had a dark cloud over my head. Stragnely, I find myself not being so much homesick in Toronto but instead being nostalgic for the past. I often spend hours day dreaming about the past, when he was alive, when I was a kid, when I was in college. These day dreams are indulgent but at the same time make me feel miserable and very bittersweet. I feel hollow and empty. I can't even begin to describe how empty my life is at the moment. That's problem numero uno. The loss, the lonlieness, having no-one to feel homesick for, other than the past.

The other problem is this. I have realised I am gay or at the very least bi. I was in a relationship with a girl for two years (also ended last year, 2010 seemed to be the year of finality for me). Ever since I havn't even hooked up/looked at another girl. I met a guy over here who despite never really thinking about lads that way, made me feel alive, I can't explain it but I fell for him. I am fairly open and liberal and had no qualms about swithcing sides or accepting that I am bi whatsoever, however turns out he was straight so I pretty much was barking up the wrong tree. Ever since then I've spent eveyday dwelling on whether I am gay or bi, and feeling pretty lonely when I consider I don't know anyone in a similar position.

Thats my life in a nutshell. I get up, go to work, come home, go to bed. Not exactly living it up or moving on in anyway shape or form. At weekends I chainsmoke and sometimes drink heavily (not always). I have little or few friends because I feel my whole personality has changed and chatting to people these days requires huge effort on my part. I am in a foreign land, but miss the past more than I am excited about the future.

Has anyone been in a similar position? I suspect I am feeling low because of my loss, and the spurning from someone I liked but how do I fill the void???

Thanks for reading - I hope what I wrote made sense.

LegacyUser

Hey there,

first of all, it sounds like you're going through a rough time from what happened at home before you left the country. If this is an ongoing thing, rather than something that has happened over the last few months, I'd definitely suggest going to a clinic to get seen to be a city doctor. If you're suffering from depression, the doctor could provide you with information or advice on how to cope with it or offer you counseling. It could be that you are more grieving the life you once had, and I'd say stick with where you are and allow yourself to feel. What I mean by that is try not to focus in or judge your feelings, but allow them for what they are. Definitely consider seeing a doctor if the problem escalates.

I lived in Toronto for a bit and am gay myself so I can offer you some proper advice with that issue. It's great that you've taken so well to being bi (or gay) and congratulations. It takes some guys years to come to terms with, and this just proves that you have the intelligence and security in yourself to embrace the challenges that we all face on a daily basis.

I understand at first hand the feeling of barking up the wrong try. Put it down to experience and move on. How did the guy take it? Or did he know you felt that way about him? If he did, I hope he laughed it off and didn't take it as some sort of insult! I'd say you should consider really exploring your sexuality and Toronto is the PERFECT place for this.

I'm sure you've heard of Church-on-Wellesley and their gay village. Google support groups for bereavement or depression and also activities groups (like sport groups or whatever) and see about getting more involved with them. It's a fairly friendly area, as Toronto goes, with a lot of body-building types but don't let it put you off. Try going out one of the nights at the weekend. A friend of mine was over there alone (straight girl) and she decided to go out there to make friends and made loads! Just be chatty!

I could offer you more advice about T.O. if you need it! Let me know