How do i trust men again?

Mrs Garth Brooks

Well, my question is how do i trust men again and give them a chance?

I was mad about a guy. I worked with him, so nothing ever happened. Until i left. He knew i liked him and i suppose i gave him an ego boost by asking him for a drink at my going away party. He could have left it at that. No, he kissed me. On the lips. He was sober. It was no drunken kiss. I dont know what it meant.

8 months on. Still no drink, nothing. But he sees me as a cheap ride. Ignores me afterwards until he wants it again. He was using me and i allowed it. Well i have had enough.

How do i get over this?

I was out last night and i was sickened with the drunken men coming onto me. How do i give another fella a chance when i cant stand them?

MrMojoRising

You could start by not letting them use you when you know that's what they're doing

Ickle Magoo

You have enough respect for yourself that you stop letting someone use you and you wait to get involved with another guy until you find one that isn't using you and you can stand.

greengiant09

don't want to sound harsh but you should stop playing the victim for a start. you make it sound like you were taken advantage of. it wasn't like you didn't know what was happening and you willing allowed this to continue.

you need to work on yourself before you can enter into another relationship. learn from your mistakes....work on your self-esteem.

I am a friend

Have you finished with him? If not, then do it and dont go back on it.

If you dont want drunken men coming on to you then stop going out to place (for a while) where the drunk guys are...

On top of all, dont take the drunk guys so seriously. Politely tell them you are not interested and are out with your girlfriends for the night. You dont have to entertain every guy who hits on you.

Sounds like you need a TOTAL break from men and sex. Can you do that?

HardLuckWoman

HardLuckWoman wrote: »

8 months on. Still no drink, nothing. But he sees me as a cheap ride. Ignores me afterwards until he wants it again. He was using me and i allowed it. Well i have had enough.

Bit unclear here - the rest of your post says that he kissed you once, but this bit implies that he's been seeing you since, using you and then leaving you. Could you clear this up?

He could have left it at that. No, he kissed me. On the lips. He was sober. It was no drunken kiss. I dont know what it meant.

But you wanted him to kiss you, you said you had been mad about him for a long time. Surely a kiss from him isn't going to be a problem?

I apologise for being harsh, but I've got to agree that you do seem to be playing the victim. From previous posts of yours too, and even your username, you seem to be angry, thinking you're getting a hard deal all the time. A guy you liked kissed you. Most people would be happy about it. But it's 8 months on and your still stewing over the fact that he didn't get in touch afterwards. He didn't betray your trust so I don't see why you need help in learning to trust men again. If anything, I think you need to learn to take life as it comes and see a good thing, however momentary, as a good thing. If you keep going at this rate, you'll never be able to be happy with anyone.

tenchi-fan

HardLuckWoman wrote: »

i suppose i gave him an ego boost by asking him for a drink at my going away party.

How does that work?
It sounds like you were using him.

HardLuckWoman wrote: »

I was out last night and i was sickened with the drunken men coming onto me. How do i give another fella a chance when i cant stand them?

Take some personal responsibility and stop associating with drunken men.

LegacyUser

Keep away from men, and stop thinking that it's other people's fault that you're unhappy. Nobody wants to be with someone who has such a 'poor me' attitude, it's draining. Relationships are supposed to be fun, not hassle

Mrs Garth Brooks

true-or-false wrote: »

Bit unclear here - the rest of your post says that he kissed you once, but this bit implies that he's been seeing you since, using you and then leaving you. Could you clear this up?


But you wanted him to kiss you, you said you had been mad about him for a long time. Surely a kiss from him isn't going to be a problem?

I apologise for being harsh, but I've got to agree that you do seem to be playing the victim. From previous posts of yours too, and even your username, you seem to be angry, thinking you're getting a hard deal all the time. A guy you liked kissed you. Most people would be happy about it. But it's 8 months on and your still stewing over the fact that he didn't get in touch afterwards. He didn't betray your trust so I don't see why you need help in learning to trust men again. If anything, I think you need to learn to take life as it comes and see a good thing, however momentary, as a good thing. If you keep going at this rate, you'll never be able to be happy with anyone.

I was never playing the victim here. My username happens to be the name of one of my favourite songs. Ya most people would be happy with a kiss. I was. But not what happened afterwards. Yes he was seeing me since and using me. Its so hard to end something when you fall for them. It went on for so long, i have had enough.

LegacyUser

Is he the guy you were going to post your vibrator to his work address to embarrass him?, just read one of your other posts.

Mrs Garth Brooks

I know you dont need a man to be happy. I was happy with myself long before anything ever happened with him. Then it happens at a time i wasn't expecting anything and didn't need a man, so i thought, just maybe. As they say, it happens when you're least expecting it. And from a guy i liked and at a time i was about to give up on him. How wrong was i?

Definately need a break.

Mighty_Mouse

I was mad about a guy. I worked with him, so nothing ever happened. Until i left.

Seems like a reasonable professional approach

He knew i liked him and i suppose i gave him an ego boost by asking him for a drink at my going away party. He could have left it at that. No, he kissed me. On the lips. He was sober. It was no drunken kiss. I dont know what it meant..

you are putting an awful lot of significance into a kiss?

8 months on. Still no drink, nothing. But he sees me as a cheap ride. Ignores me afterwards until he wants it again. He was using me and i allowed it. Well i have had enough

So in summary you liked a guy. You chased him. You kissed. You allowed a casual sexual relationship to develop for 8 months.
You wanted love, he wanted a fling.
How long does it take to realise the relationship is not developing to your expectations?
The guy is 50% responsible here but it sounds like you offered it to him on a plate without making sure he knew you were looking for something serious.

You wanted this guy more than he wanted you.
There's a million love songs written for this.
In the end, you were prepared to sacrifice your own relationship expectations, lower your standards in order to pull this guy.

In hindsight do you think it would of been possible to figure out if this guy was seriously romantically interested in you before allowing the 8 month situation to develop.
Did you say:
"I really like you, I've liked you for a while......but I don't think I can handle a fling. Can we take this slowly and see how we feel about each other? Because I like you I might get hurt......."
My point is everybody knows if they are giving out more than they are getting back. We choose to ignore it hoping that the situation will change.But eventually we have to be strong enough to confront the elephant in the corner. Confront the fact that the relationship is one-sided.

Do you think that it's possible to learn from this there is a difference between liking someone and developing a relationship?

As for your nights out?
Nobody likes a drunk. Especially sober people. You cannot allow this failed relationship to cloud your judgement of every single man on the planet.

Everybody gets let down and loses out in life. The best of us learn our lessons, change our approach accordingly and get back on the horse. We become stronger. Others let the negativity eat them away and bitterness festers.

You can choose which path you take.

Fentdog84

You need to get a grip, OP. I know it hurts when a relationship breaks down or didnt turn out as expected, but it happens, thats life. So the guy turned out to be an a-hole. So what. Just stop moping and move on to finding someone else when you're ready. Dont be put off meeting other people because of this. Not all guys are like the ones you describe in your post.

thecookingapple

Break the cycle, reform, restructure and live happily as you can, that is all you can do, whether you like to admit it or not you come across as a very bitter and resentful woman whom did not get what they wanted and have now taken on the role of the beendonebadto person, its not attractive, healthy or meaningful.

Instead i would take a break from the social scene, take up a new hobbie, find your own happiness and the rest will follow, but if you stay as you are then get used to unhappiness and being ''used''.

LighterGuy

HardLuckWoman wrote: »

How do i get over this?

I was out last night and i was sickened with the drunken men coming onto me. How do i give another fella a chance when i cant stand them?

You are still reeling from being used. Or perhaps this bad situation opened your eyes more to the badness of life?

op, only a fool says 'you have to trust someone' and you get alot of that on here :rolleyes: the way life works is you meet someone, then the rest is on them ... to build on trust or distrust. While you remain on the fence about them to proven otherwise. You dont immediately trust or distrust someone.

Best advice I ever got in my life was always keep your eyes open, use common sense and trust your gut. You'll spot the true intentions of people a hell of a lot faster.

Kevin Duffy

I'm confused OP. You say "8 months, not a drink, nothing", but then allude to seeing him for 8 months and being used, without saying what "seeing him" and "being used" mean.
Another poster has mentioned a previous post where you were planning on sending a vibrator to him in work, but your posts here allude to ending the relationship. Were you going to post that to someone you were in a relationship (however bad) with?

Wompa1

HardLuckWoman wrote: »

I know you dont need a man to be happy. I was happy with myself long before anything ever happened with him. Then it happens at a time i wasn't expecting anything and didn't need a man, so i thought, just maybe. As they say, it happens when you're least expecting it. And from a guy i liked and at a time i was about to give up on him. How wrong was i?

Definately need a break.

Did you have sex with him that night??

S23

Eh sorry to point this out but for all the implications on this thread that this guy 'used' the OP or 'turned out to be an a-hole' there is absolutely nothing to back that up.

He wasn't drunk when they hooked up initially so you can't say he only initiated it because he was plastered. He, from what the OP has posted, doesn't use her as a drunken booty call.

She was the one who asked him out. They initiated a sexual relationship. She never said she wanted any more from him. She was happy enough to go along with it without saying anything to him. It was the OP's choice to maintain an 8 month casual sex relationship.

How exactly was this guy supposed to know that the casual sex relationship that was initiated by the OP, that she was happy to continue without ever asking for more, was hurting her?

He's not f**king psychic. Yeah the OP got hurt I'm not claiming she didn't but it was a situation of her own making. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and realise you initiated and then maintained the situation you found yourself in.

You titled the thread how do I trust gain. I haven't read anything to suggest your trust was breached by this person. Not a single thing. Sorry if it sounds harsh and I'm not doling out the 'oh you need time and space to get over it' advice so many are fond of.

That advice will do you no good, IMO, if you aren't willing to accept the part you played in all this and if you don't realise that this guy did absolutely nothing wrong from his standpoint. You hooked up, you were f**k buddies for 8 months and you never told him you wanted more. For some reason now you have decided he used you and you're feeling sorry for yourself. Sorry but you haven't a leg to stand on.

Wompa1

S23 wrote: »

Eh sorry to point this out but for all the implications on this thread that this guy 'used' the OP or 'turned out to be an a-hole' there is absolutely nothing to back that up.

He wasn't drunk when they hooked up initially so you can't say he only initiated it because he was plastered. He, from what the OP has posted, doesn't use her as a drunken booty call.

She was the one who asked him out. They initiated a sexual relationship. She never said she wanted any more from him. She was happy enough to go along with it without saying anything to him. It was the OP's choice to maintain an 8 month casual sex relationship.

How exactly was this guy supposed to know that the casual sex relationship that was initiated by the OP, that she was happy to continue without ever asking for more, was hurting her?

He's not f**king psychic. Yeah the OP got hurt I'm not claiming she didn't but it was a situation of her own making. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and realise you initiated and then maintained the situation you found yourself in.

You titled the thread how do I trust gain. I haven't read anything to suggest your trust was breached by this person. Not a single thing. Sorry if it sounds harsh and I'm not doling out the 'oh you need time and space to get over it' advice so many are fond of.

That advice will do you no good, IMO, if you aren't willing to accept the part you played in all this and if you don't realise that this guy did absolutely nothing wrong from his standpoint. You hooked up, you were f**k buddies for 8 months and you never told him you wanted more. For some reason now you have decided he used you and you're feeling sorry for yourself. Sorry but you haven't a leg to stand on.

Well said, just to further this. Women seem to be pretty naive. If you give sex to a guy too quick most guys wouldn't respect you. Like it or not society has portrayed or rather dictated that women are the gate keepers of sex! Men are the desperate dogs just waiting for the scraps to be thrown their way and the women are the one's throwing the scraps or holding them back...bad analogy!?

Anyway, point being, if you just give up sex to a guy he'll see you have no self respect which makes you a less attractive partner for a relationship. Plus if you just give it up that easy, it's more likely to us that you would be the type who would cheat as you act sexually in the moment...

If you had sex with him multiple times over 8 months without talking about being in a relationship then unfortunately that's your own fault if that is what you wanted. There's no trust issue there.

Also drunk guys coming up to you don't necessarily just want sex you know...try talking to them, if you are attracted to them, give them your number and don't just hop into bed with them...no big deal.

johnr1

Wompa1 wrote: »

Well said, just to further this. Women seem to be pretty naive. If you give sex to a guy too quick most guys wouldn't respect you. Like it or not society has portrayed or rather dictated that women are the gate keepers of sex! Men are the desperate dogs just waiting for the scraps to be thrown their way and the women are the one's throwing the scraps or holding them back...bad analogy!?

Anyway, point being, if you just give up sex to a guy he'll see you have no self respect which makes you a less attractive partner for a relationship. Plus if you just give it up that easy, it's more likely to us that you would be the type who would cheat as you act sexually in the moment...

If you had sex with him multiple times over 8 months without talking about being in a relationship then unfortunately that's your own fault if that is what you wanted. There's no trust issue there.

Also drunk guys coming up to you don't necessarily just want sex you know...try talking to them, if you are attracted to them, give them your number and don't just hop into bed with them...no big deal.

All the bolded section is pure balls, The rest is actually spot on - and good advice.

Thats all.

Liam Byrne

HardLuckWoman wrote: »

Well, my question is how do i trust men again and give them a chance?

Are you the same as every other woman on the planet ? Including the money-grabbing tramps, teases, virgins, sound ones, etc ?

If not, what makes you think that all men are the same ?

Liam Byrne

Wompa1 wrote: »

If you give sex to a guy too quick most guys wouldn't respect you.

Bull.

And how do you "give sex to a guy", anyway ?

Sex is a two-person activity, and it's shared, not "given".

Wompa1

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Bull.

And how do you "give sex to a guy", anyway ?

Sex is a two-person activity, and it's shared, not "given".

a woman ultimately decides. A typical guy would not turn down sex..so a woman decides when a guy gets sex.

Liam Byrne

Wompa1 wrote: »

a woman ultimately decides. A typical guy would not turn down sex....so a woman decides when a guy gets sex.

Sorry, but that's a ridiculous generalisation.

I have done in the past, and probably will do again, for a multitude of different reasons but basically because it wasn't the right thing to do......and there's absolutely no way that I'm significantly different to whatever it is you're claiming is "a typical guy"

Maple

Wompa1, less of the sweeping generalisations about both sexes please.

Maple