Seriously Depressed

Cerrisse

I don’t know what to do. I’m in a situation where I can’t continue to live, I don’t want to die, I don’t want to kill myself, I really don’t, but I’m really feeling I have no choice. My whole entire life has been one disaster after the next. I’ve always been insecure and nervous, and that’s always made me weird and phobic for any social situations. I’ve had depression throughout my life, which I’ve always battled and tried to find ways out of. This last bout hit about 3 ½ years ago and I’ve done everything possible to try to find help. I’ve had all the medications under the sun – not one has worked. I’ve seen psychiatrists, doctors, psychologists, counsellors, priests, gone to numerous support groups – didn’t find any I liked, I’ve tried healers, reiki, psychics, joined spirituality groups, tried doing things for myself, get up and moving, joined a gym, was too depressed to go, joined many different yoga places, I go to one and then get too depressed to go. I recently attempted suicide, took an overdose of a hell of a lot of pills, didn’t work and ended up in a psych ward, full of truly insane people, wardens for nurses who were horrible, just sat around for 3 weeks being monitored and told what to do, hardly seeing a doctor when I did, they just wanted to try more pills. Im back at home and im worse than ever. My counsellor who I was seeing for a year has just deserted me. I have no-one to talk to and no one understands. I’m at the point where I just don’t have any belief that anything at all is going to work. I have no hope whatsoever. I live day in day out stuck looking at the wall, going insane, I feel like im in constant crisis. I can’t even say I feel suicidal without my mother freaking out and calling the psychiatrists. If I said it to them all they’d want to do is put me back into the hospital, which is so ridiculous, I’ve been there, and it does absolutely nothing to help, there is no treatment, its literally locking people away and leave them there to be ordered about and confined and treated like ****. All my hope is gone. I’ve been stuck in my house so long, I have no friends, I have no job, I’ve no training in anything, I feel so totally ****ed.

tenchi-fan

I suffered depression before and it's not nice. I know it's easy to say "you have to do something" but when you're depressed you literally feel you can't do anything!

One thing that always helps is not to sit around moping. When you're having a good day, do something. I find a long walk (i'm talking 2-3 hours) into the countryside helps.

Self-help reading can also be very good for you. I'm always quick to point to "the power of positive thinking". it's quite an old-fashioned book. I'm sure there's 100s of other books like it but it really helped me.

LegacyUser

First of all, well done. You clearly have put every effort into trying to come up with a solution to your situation and I think you need to give yourself a pat on the back for caring so much and being brave enough to face this. Suicidal thoughts are a serious aspect of lowering depression, and while I'm not a GP or counselor, I do know that they are symptematic of depression and not necessarily how you think/ feel. Remember the saying 'Suicide for depression is a long term solution to a short term problem'.

It sounds like to me that you have underlying social anxiety issues which could be contributing to your depression (and may very well be causing it). What type of counseling were you attending? Gym and all the rest is very beneficial to depression, but without the proper therapy, a lot of efforts can go unrewarded. It has been proven that a form of therapy known as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy works the most effectively in terms of social anxiety and depression. Have you tried this one before? I think it could be beneficial.

A lot of stuff out there to treat MH issues are a bit 'fluffy' in my opinion. While I agree that people find great help from spiritual groups, reiki and all the rest, therapy should always be the main form of treatment with the rest of the options used as complimentary therapies (like medicinal therapy). A lot of what depression is is negative thoughts, feelings and behaviors that manifest over a period of time. I would definitely consider returning to your GP, telling her that you are finding it difficult to cope at the moment and what are your other options.

Although depression is a horrible problem, it is highly treatable and has been shown to be nearly one of the common coughs of the MH spectrum (not to belittle your problem but to show that it is very 'fixable'). Although you've tried a variety of things, you should work with a good counselor who will point out what you're doing 'wrong' and help you find ways to do things 'right'. Don't lose hope, ignore the suicidal thoughts as nothing but symptoms of your depression - good site here http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/suicidal.htm about suicidal thoughts, maybe go through the rest of the site. If you start to really consider suicide, pick up the phone and call the samaritans or go directly to your GP as soon as you can. THIS IS SOLVABLE. While you may not believe that 100%, trust the scientific fact behind it. This can be treated well and you can get on with your life.

Oryx

depressedss I have approved your post as I think there is some good information there, but please dont attempt to diagnose the op.

SATSUMA

OP i am so sorry that you are feeling this way.

The thing that struck me is that you said your counsellor deserted you. I suggest that you find a new one, one that you trust and that you find good. This may mean trying a few but it's worth getting a good one. You have no one to talk to without the fear of being locked up again and that's not fair. Maybe you need to get it all out of your head.

I also suggest the book "kill the damn dog" by Sally Brampton. It's her memoir of depression and it's excellent. It might help you feel that you are not alone in what is a terrifying and painful state of mind.

I am sorry that you are suffering and well done for trying all that you have. Don't give up

Best of luck x

unclejunior

hey op, social anxiety can be treated by takning on large bsocial roles, like giving speeches and stuff. there is a group called toastmasters who work at public speaking. if you can work on that, im sure the rest will fade away

paulsca79

you need a hobbie dude some kind of goal !!! I started running it was hard at first but I met new people ran a marathon and never l

paulsca79

looked back its just getting out there and starting was the hardest but once you break the rut it gets easier !!!!! hope this helps

Oryx

OP, all hope is not gone. Never think that. There is always a reason to keep going. In PI we usually have to close threads where the op is suicidal. The reason for this is not because we are heartless. Its because we are not qualified to help, and you are better reaching out towards real life help. I understand you feel that you have used up all avenues to help yourself, but you have not. I get the feeling though, that while you are at the end of your tether, you are seeking a healthy way to recover, rather than considering a permanent way out.

You need to find a new counsellor and begin this process again. Do so with total honesty and be prepared for it to hurt more before it gets better. And it will get better.