Guilt

Ellie2008

This is not really just a "womens' issue" but I am a woman so think it qualifies for here.

Has anyone ever suffered from overwhelming guilt?

I feel really really horribly guilty for things Ive done in the past, Ill list them to give you an idea:

Bunking on the dart, not all the time but as a student I defo did and got caught once, I think the guy felt sorry for me so he didnt charge me the fare but Im sure I lied and said I couldnt pay office closed or whatever, really bad but in my stupid youth I never really considered "fare evasion" to be stealing;
Taking small items of stock from where I worked and not paying for them;
Telling lies some attention seeking, some to benefit me, some to make a story more amusing
Taking the MAP (I know most people dont but I have issues with this now)
Possibly cheating on exams, no clear memory of doing this but if I was open to all of the above I might have
Letting a friend help me by writing large chunks of two college essays.

I know have a good job and people really like me but I feel like the biggest fraudster ever, Ive spent a lot of money on counselling for a shrink to tell me I have a "obsessive disorder", Im not really sure I believe that, I mean you event a disorder to tell me not to feel guilty,,, I dunno

Help, any advice at all please, I intend to give money back to my old work, the dart people etc but I half think I should fess up only a criminal record would ruin my life.

krudler

That reads like a list of stuff Ned Flanders would be worried about :pac:

Really though thats all pretty small stuff to be so worried about tbh. relax, people do small naughty things all the time, and none of that is enough to gain you a criminal record.

SJM

Yes, everyone does small stuff. Some people have a big conscience and I feel it's a sign of an honest person. I think that if I was interviewing you for a job and you told me the above, I'd give you the job no problem.

krudler

SJM wrote: »

Yes, everyone does small stuff. Some people have a big conscience and I feel it's a sign of an honest person. I think that if I was interviewing you for a job and you told me the above, I'd give you the job no problem.

might wanna leave out the stealing stuff from work part though :pac:

Ellie2008

krudler wrote: »

might wanna leave out the stealing stuff from work part though :pac:

The taking stock from work I think could be a criminal record, one of the things was the MAP I was a bit desparate at the time but that doesnt mean I couldnt have paid for it.

I also worry/fear that I have done other stuff like taken money or cheated on exams but I cant remember it kinda thing.

Like somedays Im fine and other days I think "If I dont take the consequences for this on earth I'll go to hell"

Its ruining my relationships, Im no fun and my Dad has terminal cancer and I dont go and see him as much as I should as Im afraid he ll notice Im not in good form or rather my Mum will, I couldnt hide anything from her and they ll worry about it and I dont want that.

krudler

Ellie2008 wrote: »

The taking stock from work I think could be a criminal record, one of the things was the MAP I was a bit desparate at the time but that doesnt mean I couldnt have paid for it.

I also worry/fear that I have done other stuff like taken money or cheated on exams but I cant remember it kinda thing.

Like somedays Im fine and other days I think "If I dont take the consequences for this on earth I'll go to hell"

Its ruining my relationships, Im no fun and my Dad has terminal cancer and I dont go and see him as much as I should as Im afraid he ll notice Im not in good form or rather my Mum will, I couldnt hide anything from her and they ll worry about it and I dont want that.

religious claptrap shouldnt have any bearing on your life, you did some minor stuff, stop worrying about it

MissFlitworth

Ellie2008 wrote: »

Ive spent a lot of money on counselling for a shrink to tell me I have a "obsessive disorder", Im not really sure I believe that, I mean you event a disorder to tell me not to feel guilty

Your counsellor didn't invent obsessive disorders, they really do exist. She wasn't trying to make you feel better by telling you about it. If you feel this badly about things that even deeply, deeply moral people wouldn't be thinking of and you can't snap out of it (and you're inventing times you may have done something bad, like the cheating on exams issue) then you should really go back to your counsellor, or your doctor and ask for help. You should be able to spend time with your parents or other people you love without feeling so awful

cantdecide

You did the best you could at the time. You cant control the past. Its time to forgive yourself.

Think of some abstract way of putting it right. Donate an equal or greater sum to charity and/ or give some of your time to a good cause. Your honesty is admirable. Good character is an often neglected trait these days.

jimbobaloobob

dont be so hard on yourself, acknowledge it as you have and move on

beks101

I don't feel guilty about things I've done in the past (and neither should you to be honest...most people would have a list of petty mistakes twice as long) but I suffer from guilt about daily little shoulda-woulda-couldas like no-one's business.

Everything from should've-skyped-the-folks to shouldn't-have-gone-to-bed-so-late to should've-gone-to-the-gym, should've-tried-harder-at-work, should've-called-a-friend, shouldn't-have-eaten-all-that-chocolate...seriously gets boring after a while. I put it down to some sort of innate Catholic guilt mixed with my inner critic being a pain in the hole mixed with high standards mixed with general anxiety mixed with dipping self esteem sometimes.

Guilt is a natural feeling but I think too much of it is self destructive and can sort of be another reason to make yourself feel bad about yourself. Don't. You have no reason to and unless you've killed someone or committed a serious wrong doing against someone (and recruiting a friend to help you with some homework doesn't cut it tbh), you're only dragging yourself down unneccessarily and really, isn't life hard enough??

Use the guilt in a constructive rather than destructive way - don't steal again if it's going to torture you, pay your fare on the dart. Let it go, you're not perfect and as long as you learn a lesson from your mistakes it's guilt put to good use!

Wibbs

Really should be here for the advice aspect

Semele

I seem to recall a similar thread not so long ago- don't know if it was the same OP but a lot of points were the same.

I didn't reply then but meant to. It's great that you went to a counsellor but you seem to be dismissing what she said. Obviously not trying to diagnose you with anything, but I work in mental health and have a fair bit of experience with clients with this sort of obsessive or catastrophic thinking.

There's no point in people telling you that the things that you did (or may have done) were not that bad. They're not the real issue, they just seem to be the form your stress has manifested in. To compare- a close famiily member of mine, when she is under stress, becomes a massive hypochondriac. To a ridiculous extent. It's all she thinks about. She practically writes her will and arranges her funeral when she gets a routine call for a smear test when she's like this. I myself, when I'm feeling down, get very anxious about my career progression, obsessively investigate options, beat myself up about poor choices in my past, feel like a failure and have a tendency to make impulsive decisions out of a panicked feeling of having to DO something to make it better. I recognise this now and know not to trust my own thoughts during times like this. It may not be exactly your situation but the underlying thought mechanisms are the same.

I really think that you would benefit from cognitive-behavioural therapy to address your rumination on the "bad" things you have done. It's very easy for anyone to get trapped in a cycle of upsetting and negative thinking that becomes all-consuming, whereas to someone on the outside it's insignificant. CBT is very empowering in that it works on the basis that you are an active agent in what you're experiencing and you can change your experience through your actions. Counselling on the other hand is valuable for understanding your emotions and feelings better but does not directly lead to change.

If you're potentially a bit depressed (I use that in a common sense rather than diagnostic), your dad is terminally ill, etc, no wonder you're stressed! You need to recognise this and be a bit easier on yourself rather than beating yourself up more. Speak to your doctor and get a referral to a CBT therapist.

Ellie2008

I really think that you would benefit from cognitive-behavioural therapy to address your rumination on the "bad" things you have done. It's very easy for anyone to get trapped in a cycle of upsetting and negative thinking that becomes all-consuming, whereas to someone on the outside it's insignificant. CBT is very empowering in that it works on the basis that you are an active agent in what you're experiencing and you can change your experience through your actions. Counselling on the other hand is valuable for understanding your emotions and feelings better but does not directly lead to change.

If you're potentially a bit depressed (I use that in a common sense rather than diagnostic), your dad is terminally ill, etc, no wonder you're stressed! You need to recognise this and be a bit easier on yourself rather than beating yourself up more. Speak to your doctor and get a referral to a CBT therapist.[/QUOTE]


Thank you for taking the time to reply, Ive been to a counsellor for probs 10 ish hours by now and it doesnt seem to be helping, I just cant stop thinking about the past, like one day I was obsessing over bunking on the dart and today Im obsessing over a couple of things I defo remember nicking as a child 11/12 ish age and then I think oh maybe I stole a lot as a child but I cant remember and Id love to for the reassurance of knowing I didnt, like I want to make it up to anyone I ever stole from.

Its exhausting and its affecting my work and my ability to socialise normally so maybe I will take the meds.

Fentdog84

We've all done stuff we are not proud of. Big and small. TBH, the way you are dwelling on it, sounds like a self esteem issue. I think its fear & guilt of things that happened in the past , often puts a mental block onto stuff and stops us doing what we want to do in the future. Id recommend you read one of the Paul Mckenna Books ''instant confidence'' or ''I can make you happy'' to help you lose the guilt and improve your self esteem.

AnonoBoy

Learn from your mistakes and don't repeat them.

That's the best thing one can hope for.

irishh_bob

Ellie2008 wrote: »

This is not really just a "womens' issue" but I am a woman so think it qualifies for here.

Has anyone ever suffered from overwhelming guilt?

I feel really really horribly guilty for things Ive done in the past, Ill list them to give you an idea:

Bunking on the dart, not all the time but as a student I defo did and got caught once, I think the guy felt sorry for me so he didnt charge me the fare but Im sure I lied and said I couldnt pay office closed or whatever, really bad but in my stupid youth I never really considered "fare evasion" to be stealing;
Taking small items of stock from where I worked and not paying for them;
Telling lies some attention seeking, some to benefit me, some to make a story more amusing
Taking the MAP (I know most people dont but I have issues with this now)
Possibly cheating on exams, no clear memory of doing this but if I was open to all of the above I might have
Letting a friend help me by writing large chunks of two college essays.

I know have a good job and people really like me but I feel like the biggest fraudster ever, Ive spent a lot of money on counselling for a shrink to tell me I have a "obsessive disorder", Im not really sure I believe that, I mean you event a disorder to tell me not to feel guilty,,, I dunno

Help, any advice at all please, I intend to give money back to my old work, the dart people etc but I half think I should fess up only a criminal record would ruin my life.

had you an overly critical parent while growing up ?

cleanslate

Ellie2008 wrote: »

The taking stock from work I think could be a criminal record, one of the things was the MAP I was a bit desparate at the time but that doesnt mean I couldnt have paid for it.

I also worry/fear that I have done other stuff like taken money or cheated on exams but I cant remember it kinda thing.

Like somedays Im fine and other days I think "If I dont take the consequences for this on earth I'll go to hell"

Its ruining my relationships, Im no fun and my Dad has terminal cancer and I dont go and see him as much as I should as Im afraid he ll notice Im not in good form or rather my Mum will, I couldnt hide anything from her and they ll worry about it and I dont want that.

Hi Ellie,

This is a huge issue, whether it's obsessive disorder or not I can't say, but you're not well at the moment. You're carrying around this huge unnecessary guilt that you know is a problem. You need help to work through it and let it go or it will consume you and drive you absolutely crazy. You've begun isolating from your family (who I'm sure miss you and worry about you) which only gives this guilt more time to breed. It will eventually ruin your job, your friendships etc., but you CAN beat it. Have you thought about changing counselors? You are dealing with this all by yourself at the moment and it is exhausting you.
Giving money back to employers or to charity at the moment won't ease your mind, but once you begin to be able to let it go, you will find that everything will fall back into place. You can certainly give money back in time, but first you need to get well again. Your mind will be free, you will feel so much better in yourself and that will inevitably brush off on others, you will be more fun to be around, and you will know this by people's reactions.
You can get better, you just need help at the moment. Left alone it will eat you up, it's so powerful. Think of how much time you put into worrying about it already. From the bottom of my heart I wish you the best, I know only too well what a racing mind is like, but help is out there, and so is a peaceful and serene mind. This cloud over you will lift. Believe me, your life will fall back into place better than it was before x

Wompa1

Ellie2008 wrote: »

I really think that you would benefit from cognitive-behavioural therapy to address your rumination on the "bad" things you have done. It's very easy for anyone to get trapped in a cycle of upsetting and negative thinking that becomes all-consuming, whereas to someone on the outside it's insignificant. CBT is very empowering in that it works on the basis that you are an active agent in what you're experiencing and you can change your experience through your actions. Counselling on the other hand is valuable for understanding your emotions and feelings better but does not directly lead to change.

If you're potentially a bit depressed (I use that in a common sense rather than diagnostic), your dad is terminally ill, etc, no wonder you're stressed! You need to recognise this and be a bit easier on yourself rather than beating yourself up more. Speak to your doctor and get a referral to a CBT therapist.

If you realize now what you did was wrong and feel the guilt than that's good enough. An ex of mine cheated on ex's, stole from several shops, did drugs, acted like a whore and in hindsight was probably the most fake person I've ever come across...put on a show for friends and used the likes of Facebook as a political tool, wouldn't put up many pictures of us, no relationship status etc. , she also constantly lied.

But the difference between the two of you and why she was so much worse as a human being is, she never felt regret or remorse for anything she ever did. She didn't learn from any of her past mistakes and is doomed to repeat them and probably do even worse. I'm lucky to be rid of her. If you see your mistakes you can at least work on being a better person now.

Maybe you could do some volunteer work to try and help you feel like you've repented though I think just trying to be better in future should be enough

bohsboy

It really sounds like OCD. Maybe the councillor is right?

There is great medication now to stop your mind being plagued by such intrusive thoughts.

Its actually pretty common and no, you can't just "snap" out of these guilty feelings. A councillor will work through them with you or may use cognitive behaviour therapy.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Maybe change counsellors, or else open up and tell your counsellor honestly that you don't feel it is working. They might then try some different techniques with you.
Don't ever give up on getting the right treatment that will work.
It is so important that you try your best to get this resolved. Guilt can absolutely consume people, and what you are describing sounds very dangerous for you.
A lot of it seems like irrational guilt, but that is not your fault, for whatever reason you are obsessing on these things and you will need more help to stop doing this.
Can you talk to some of your friends or family about these things aswell as your counsellor?
As another person said, it is very important that you do not isolate yourself and allow these these feelings of guilt to grow stronger. It would be incredibly damaging for your mental health to do so.
I hope that you get through all this ok op.

Semele

Hi again Ellie

Do speak to your therapist and let her know that you feel it isn't working. Either she could try a different approach (CBT still being the most evidence-based for OCD) or could maybe recommend someone who specialises in this.

I think you should try the medication too. I know a lot of people have issues with taking medication for psychological problems but there's no shame in it. There's no virtue in suffering for the dubious honour of getting over it without help. You may find that the medication lifts some of the pressure of your thoughts and lets you engage more with your therapy.

Surely you can recognise, however deep in your mind, that everyone else in the world has likely done similar and far worse than what you are worried about? Do you judge everyone to the same harsh standards as yourself? You must see that there is an element of irrationality in your thoughts.

While a lot of people here are suggesting things like donating to charity or doing voluntary work I think that without addressing the reasons you feel like this such approaches are only confirming the idea that you have been bad and need to make reparation and may thus just entrench the thinking more than relieve it. Speak to your counsellor about this. It may be a nice symbolic gesture for closure once you are over this stressing period and are back in control but it, in itself, won't stop it. In my experience (again, I work with OCD a lot. I'm not a qualified therapist though, just to make that clear!) making reparation (ie compensating for negative feelings in any way) may temporarily relieve your feelings but when they come back you will need to do it again, or do something bigger, to make it go away again and this itself would be an unhelpful spiral.

The symptom is not the illness. Deal with why you feel like this and you resolve the issue.

I hope you sort this. I can imagine how distressing it is, especially when other may dismiss your worries as inconsequential. Check out www.ocdireland.org for information and advice.