Depressed but want to turn my life around

LegacyUser

I am 18 and to most it appears I have a good life. I travel a lot and have achieved a lot but I still feel like crap and hate myself. I am self conscious about my arms and the fact I am skinny which is now a huge issue for me. I never wear just a t-shirt in Ireland and feel ill when asked to go to the beach because I am scared to take my t-shirt off to go swimming. Even just thinking about it now gives me a weird feeling in my stomach.

I feel useless and that my friends don't actually like me there just hanging around with me to make me feel accepted. I keep thinking they are talking about me behind my back saying I'm a freak and stuff like that. Whenever the group is going out to town I have no enthusiasm to go out. It not that I don't want to go out it's that I feel like I'm not cool enough to go out. A lot of the time I don't feel like even getting up in the morning. I have the leaving cert in a month but can't do any study. I find myself lieing in bed all day wasting it watching TV. I just don't see the point.

I lost all my money because of a c*nt business partner and also lost pretty much all my businesses bar one. Which was then hacked into and I had to pay loads in compensation. I am in debt of €3,000 and my plan was always to move out next year. This was always something I was looking forward to. But now its gone.

People don't really now the real me. I am shy and and compassionate person but as that makes me vulnerable I put on a harsh exterior always slagging people and pretending I am better than people. (In a kinda joking way but would still piss people off)

When I was younger I was sexually abused and its really f*cked me up. I never told anyone about it and have been trying to minimise it any way I could. I don't know how I did it but I somehow convinced myself it was normal. Which has messed things up even more for me.

It's been like this for around a year now and I have thought of just ending it. To me, once your gone your gone and theres no pain or stress or anything like that. It's just over. Whats the point in enduring a life you hate? The only thing stopping me is the fact I would leave behind a confused and upset family.

Theres one guy in school that I talk to about this type of stuff and without him I'd be gone by now. |Its helpful talking to him, but I feel like he just thinks I'm a freak now and part of me thinks he doesn't believe me.

Does anyone have any suggestions about how to get my life back on track? As all I want is happiness.

Gi joe!

dontknowwhattodonext wrote: »

It's been like this for around a year now and I have thought of just ending it. To me, once your gone your gone and theres no pain or stress or anything like that. It's just over. Whats the point in enduring a life you hate? The only thing stopping me is the fact I would leave behind a confused and upset family.

I really think you need to get some professional help if you haven't yet. Feeling down and unmotivated in life is one thing, but suicidal thoughts and feeling that killing yourself will relieve you of your pain is a whole different ballgame.

Please go talk to someone you trust about getting this sorted this out. You obviously trust your friend at school and its good to have someone to confide in, but the issues you have been dealing with are very serious and require a professional who has dealt with these kinds of issues before.

LegacyUser

I can understand where your coming from and to be fair I think I do need professional help. However, I wouldn't know where to go and I don't want to talk to my parents about it. So I am trying to work through it myself.

It's a strange one when it comes to suicide. To me its kinda like a get out of jail card I can play and just end the misery and thats worrying me. The fact I place no or very little value on my life. I keep saying to myself that I am not going to but its just kind of a comfort to have knowing I could. I suppose it puts me in control of what happens to me. However, if I was to be completely honest, I would say its a matter of when not if. I don't mean in the short term but next 2-3 years and Im still depressed.

I kinda go through mood swings. At the moment typing this I'm fine. I've just tidied my room and currently making goals for my life and everything is looking up. But I felt this way on Tuesday and then when I went to Carrickmines I saw a Leinster jersey which I was going to buy. I tried it on and it made my arms look like twigs and that made me really depressed. It just annoying I can't be happy. I know no-one is happy the whole time but I'd take a 60% of the time being happy. At the moment its around 5%.

Gi joe!

I'm not going to touch on the serious issues you have mentioned i.e. the sexual abuse and feeling suicidal. You NEED to talk to someone qualified asap.

But as for putting on some size, I can give you a few pointers:

If you want add some size to your frame start lifting weights and start eating a lot more than you are now. If you have no appetite, start drinking shakes chock full of calories, e.g. peanut butter, olive oil, oats and whey protein. They may not taste great just chug it down. It's really about the calories in getting bigger. Bust your ass in the gym and more importantly the kitchen and watch the pounds add up.

This may seem expensive but apart from a year membership, you cant get alot of calorie dense food for cheap - think noodles, chicken, mince, tuna etc.

It may not seem like much compared to your other(more important) problems, but if you start seeing some positive changes in your body it will hopefully translate to more confidence in tackling other things.

Good luck!

cafecolour

You're 18 and you've already started multiple businesses(!) When I was 18 all I'd done was work in fast food. So what if you lost them - many businessmen fail multiple times. You already have more practical experience than 99% of your peers (and than a number of people twice your age!)

Debt wise, 3,000 is nothing, honestly. I worked my way out of 12,000 in credit card debt over the course of about 3.5 years.

There's no such thing as 'cool' enough. That's in your head. However, if you start avoiding your friends, it'll become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

As for skinniness, well skinny guys are actually in these days But if you want bigger arms, it's as easy as going to the gym. Or you don't even have to go to the gym - start doing push-ups every day. Buy some dumbbells. Be careful about eating too much if you're not working out though, you'll just get fat. The exercise will be good for your mood as well.

The sexual abuse is the hardest one. Really, professional help would be advised. Can your parents help at all with finding a professional? Also, you can contact a support line, that might help!

Hello!

I am the OP. Though I would create an account to make it easier to reply.

I know I have started businesses and I am looking to sell a new one I set up a few months back for *€2,500 which would knock out most of the debt.

It's just next year I am worried about. I got 280 in the mocks and need 460 to get the course I want which my friends are going for too. If I don't get the 460 can't see myself going to college. If I don't go to college where will I make friends? I would be working on my businesses and can see myself becoming isolated and alone. Thats one of the main things thats getting me down at the moment. But even still, I have no motivation to do study.

I also hate my body. I keep comparing it to my mates which just makes the whole thing worse and its another thing that is really getting me down big time.

I have been trying these self help books to try and get my life back on track. If anyone has any suggestions fire away.

Also, in relation to the sexual abuse. There is no way I would tell my parents about it so can't get help from that source. Is there such a thing as online shrinks?

tenchi-fan

I'm not being funny op, but hit the gym. Not necessarily to bulk up - exercising is a good way to feel good about yourself. It sounds like you have body image issues so take the plunge and take use the swimming pool or jacuzzi after your workout.

The €3000 debt is a hassle. If it's hanging over your head, you could liquidate your other business and pay it off.

People don't really now the real me. I am shy and and compassionate person but as that makes me vulnerable I put on a harsh exterior always slagging people and pretending I am better than people. (In a kinda joking way but would still piss people off)

Stop doing this IMMEDIATELY! Even if you're joking, you can't constantly make negative comments even as a joke without forming a negative mindset. It will cause you to think people are making similar negative comments about you.

Start being a positive person. Go out of your way to praise and compliment people including your friends. Show an interest in them. When a friend has a new shirt, ask where they got it and say it's nice. If they pass an exam, congratulate them. Start with your friends and family and then move on to workmates, acquaintances, etc.

Regarding sexual abuse. I think it's good you have a friend you can talk to. But spilling all your problems is only one part of it. You're emptying your mind temporarily but it will immediately fill back up with all the bad things that happened.

Your friend is not a professional and he cannot offer new viewpoints or encouragement that a professional may be able to offer.

Go to amazon.co.uk and see if there are any books for people who have suffered abuse. If you can afford it, buy a kindle because at least you can put some fun books on there too and password protect it.

You will also find free resources online, but be careful. I don't think you should join any online communities (too many people with too many problems of their own) or contact "professionals" online.

As for the mocks, forget them. My teachers gave me 250 points and I got 430 in the real thing. They mark them hard and pick the hardest questions. So much for encouragement! You can only do your best in the leaving. Even *if* you didn't get enough points, I'm sure there are other colleges or routes into the career you want. It wouldn't be the end of the world so try to relax.

Hello!

Would like to go GYM but far to expensive. Plus I am going interrailing for a month in June so won't want to pay for a year to the gym when I am away for at least a month. Chances are 2-3 months.

About the slagging, I know I have to. Annoying thing is the whole group just slags each other constantly. Encouragement doesn't really happen!

Thats good to hear about the Mocks V Leaving Cert. Gave me a nice little boost which will keep me going for a day or two. Hoping that as soon as I start studying I'll get more confident about getting points and then that will take away the worry of whats going to happen next year.

tenchi-fan

Hello! wrote: »

Would like to go GYM but far to expensive. Plus I am going interrailing for a month in June so won't want to pay for a year to the gym when I am away for at least a month. Chances are 2-3 months.

I still suggest going swimming in the local public pool, even if it's just for the knowledge that no one will stare and you have nothing to be embarrassed about.
I used to think i was overweight as a teen, but recently I looked through some old photos and saw I was actually underweight. It's funny the tricks your mind can play and blow things out of proportion.

Hello! wrote: »

About the slagging, I know I have to. Annoying thing is the whole group just slags each other constantly. Encouragement doesn't really happen!

I think that's the problem with groups of "lads". Still, it doesn't mean you always have to join in with the slagging. Don't try to get back at someone for slagging you with a vitriolic response.

And definitely stop thinking or pretending you're better than anyone.. when you set such high standards it will be impossible to adhere to them yourself!

Hello! wrote: »

Thats good to hear about the Mocks V Leaving Cert. Gave me a nice little boost which will keep me going for a day or two. Hoping that as soon as I start studying I'll get more confident about getting points and then that will take away the worry of whats going to happen next year.

I'd go one further and say stop worrying about your future. Neither the next year nor the next 10 years. If you have a good grasp on life by the time you're 30 you're a lot better off than most people.

You sound quite conscientious. But that can easily turn into being neurotic. Try to take things as they come - there's no time limit and you have all your 20s to figure things out.

Imagine for a second you only got 200 points in the leaving, and ended up doing a course in a college you only put on there to fill up a space. You might end up making friends there and enjoying it, and genuinely being thankful you didn't get your first choice.

A lot of people in their 30s, even late 30s, who worked since leaving school and college get fed up and return to education or attempt to start their own businesses and pursue genuine interests that they didn't even consider when they were 18.

Hello!

tenchi-fan wrote: »

I still suggest going swimming in the local public pool, even if it's just for the knowledge that no one will stare and you have nothing to be embarrassed about.

I suppose it would be a good idea. Its just I am really self conscious. Like I have a footy match in school tomorrow and even if its a nice day like today I would still be wearing a long sleeve t-shirt even if I am dieing with the heat.

And definitely stop thinking or pretending you're better than anyone.. when you set such high standards it will be impossible to adhere to them yourself!

Will do!

You sound quite conscientious. But that can easily turn into being neurotic. Try to take things as they come - there's no time limit and you have all your 20s to figure things out.

Pretty sure its past neurotic at this stage! Its just annoying I just want to be confident (not arrogant) and just not care what people think so I can actually enjoy life.

tenchi-fan

lol about the long sleeve tshirt!

The sexual abuse thing.. I think you're still seeing yourself as a kid, who is insecure and a victim..

But at some stage you're going to have to make a decision to grow up and say "actually, I am a man. I am consciously making a decision to put this behind me. I can forgive the person who did it to me. And I can get on with my life by working hard and focusing on being confident, positive and easygoing."

I think once you get through this stage - which could take as little as a few months or as much as the 15 years (it's up to you), you will become a much more confident self-assured person.

I also think you need someone to help you through it. A counsellor or a mentor of some description. Recently I was having some personal problems and ended up having a great conversation with a priest (believe it or not!) who gave some very good advice. The important thing is to talk to someone who is actually qualified to give advice.

shellyboo

OP, if you're having suicidal thoughts you really need to speak to someone. The best place to go is to your GP. They'll be able to point you in the right direction as regards counselling and possibly medication if they feel it necessary.

I understand your hesitation in telling your parents -- I suffer from depression myself and I haven't told mine either. However, I'm 27. I'd been depressed before and I hesitated to tell them then too, but when I did, they were really supportive. They may not have totally understood, but they did what needed ot be done to get me better. If you really can't get the words out, print out the post you wrote here and give it to them to read. Same goes for the doctor, if you think you'll find it hard to bring up what you're feeling.

There are indeed online groups for depression support - check out Aware which is a specific depression group, and the Samaritans also operate an email support service.

Don't feel you're disappointing anyone by feeling this way. It's a sickness, not a failure. Reaching out for help is the bravest thing you can do, even though it's the scariest.

Best of luck.

Hello!

I dunno I just don't want to tell people. Theres only one person that knows and I am regretting even telling him. I go through highs and lows and had a positive outlook to life at the beginning of the week but its just gone down hill now.

I wore just a t-shirt playing football. I know its really nothing but I don't think people realise just how self-conscious of my body I am. I am trying to eat more and drink 4 litres of milk a day but I just can't

tenchi-fan

Hello! wrote: »

I go through highs and lows and had a positive outlook to life at the beginning of the week but its just gone down hill now.

That's insecurity. You started off well, and the more you over-analyse things the worse your mood becomes.

Hello! wrote: »

I wore just a t-shirt playing football. I know its really nothing but I don't think people realise just how self-conscious of my body I am. I am trying to eat more and drink 4 litres of milk a day but I just can't

Keep wearing the t-shirt. Some people would kill to be skinny! I think a lot of guys your age are "slight", people usually fill out in their 20s.

You can't avoid underlying issues forever, forget about your weight and focus on improving your mental health. I think that once you talk to a professional about the abuse you will be able to put it behind you and concentrate on what matters.