How Long Before I'm Making a Fool of Myself

LegacyUser

I've been with my boyfriend for two and a half years and mostly everything is great. We have similar interests and have never had anything you could really call an arguement.

The problem is this; after we'd been together about a year I told him I loved him, and he said it back and everything was great, or so I thought. I'm not the type of person who'd say "I love you" after every phone conversation, but I think it's good to let your partner know how you feel every now and then so that they can know where they stand and hopefully feel good about the relationship.

It came as quite a shock to me when, around our second anniversary, he told me that he didn't love me and that he'd only said it back to me because he thought I'd break up with him if he didn't. I haven't said it since and neither has he, and he probably thinks that everything is now fine.

The problem is that I would like to settle down, preferably get married (though it's not essential to me), and start a family, but obviously I'm not going to do that without a definite declaration of commitment. I'm starting to wonder how long I should let this go on before I'm making a fool of myself over this.

Honestly, I'm starting to wonder if he sees me as a ticket to cheap rent and sex. He's never given me any indication that that's what he thinks; he compliments me, buys me the odd present (things he knows I'll like rather than ostentatious things), does his share of cooking and cleaning, gets on well with my friends and family (and me with his), we make plans for holidays, buy furniture together and generally have a great time. His fidelity is not in question at all.

Sometimes when I'm alone I get very emotional about it; I get angry, cry and imagine what I'd say to him. I suppose I'm afraid to confront him on this because I'm afraid it'll all come crashing down and I'll be left alone to start over again.

It's weighing exceptionally heavily on my mind at the moment because we have quite a few friends and family weddings coming up and I'm starting to think that I'll never have my own.

Thoughts and opinions, please.

Dinxminx

Oh, howlong... What did you say after he told you he didn't love you? Two and a half years is a long, long time to be with somebody who doesn't love you. In you shoes I like to think that I would have left when I realised he didn't feel like I did, but I know that when you love someone it's difficult to give them up.

You deserve to be with somebody who loves you now, not somebody who might love you in the future. He was a coward the first time, lying so that you wouldn't leave him; by doing that he allowed you to get more attached to him as the months went by so that by the time he came clean you were in far too deep.

And now you are afraid to ask in case "it'll all come crashing down and I'll be left alone to start over again". Darling, you're in a boat with a pretty major leak. You can jump out now and swim to shore, or you can stay still as possible and hope that if you don't rock the boat, the leak won't prove fatal. Either way, the boat is sinking and at the moment you're sitting in it.

It's been two and a half years of your life. I suggest that that's long enough; It's time to cut your losses.

IrishEyes19

I'm a little confused, OP, did he not love you when he said it, or does not love you at all.

If thats the case, walk away and cut your losses. Why stay with someone like that?

fghijkl

I'm afraid to confront him on this because I'm afraid it'll all come crashing down and I'll be left alone to start over again.

If he doesn't love you, well then you have nothing anyway.
You can't lose what you never had.

It came as quite a shock to me when, around our second anniversary, he told me that he didn't love me and that he'd only said it back to me because he thought I'd break up with him if he didn't. I haven't said it since and neither has he, and he probably thinks that everything is now fine.

Sorry OP but if he's been with you for 2 and a half years and has never once told you he loved you and meant it, then you're wasting your time and yes you are making a fool of yourself.

Azureus

He told you he didnt love you around your second anniversary and that he only said it to you in case you broke up with him?? What was your response to that!!

Im a very laid back girl, and unless he said that jokingly then Id be running for the hills.
In a good relationship, you dont just say things so the other person doesnt break up with you, especiallu something like I love you.

Also, if he doesnt love you, why is he with you? Two and a half years is a long time to be wasting on someone who doesnt have feelings strong enough to say I lvoe you and mean it. Your wasting your time here imo

fungun

I think you need to discern here between what he says and what he does.

2 years into a reln and he says he doesnt love you? Typically Id be running for the hills.
But if all his actions say he does love you, Id be asking him what he thinks love is. Does he give you all the emotional support you would expect from someone who loves you? Is everything else ok?
If so, then perhaps he is bit emotionally immature and has some fanciful notion of a 'perfect love' which he is waiting for, rather than a real love, which he might already have and not recognise it. What age is he? Talk this through with him

Dortilolma

In the end only you know what is the best thing for you to do.
If you're finding yourself so upset by the situation you should keep talking about it. Maybe ask him why he is so keen to be with you if he doesn't love you. Fungun does make a good point though - it seems you need to have a good long sit down with him and talk over everything - even the stuff you're scared to address.

To be honest if after two and a half years he still doesn't love you it's unlikely he'll suddenly come round. He's not being fair to you and you're not really being fair to yourself.

I'm no expert but I get the feeling relationships shouldn't be about what they 'could be' they should be about what they are and if what your relationship is isn't enough for you then maybe it's time to move on.

peekyboo

I agree with saying only you know what's best for you but your situation reminds me of one I have just recently left myself. I always had an inkling my boyfriend didn't feel the same way about me and I brushed my instincts under the carpet for years. Things he used to say to me I pretended to myself he hadn't. I hung on for ages hoping he'd change but guess what...he didn't and what hurts most is at the end he told me that he'd never lied to me so I couldn't blame him. He was right!!!

Trust your instincts girl. If two years in you are afraid to have 'the talk' with him then you know something is not right. And always remember that wanting to settle down and get married is a perfectly normal wish and nothing you should feel guilty about. You are not in the wrong for wanting it. Unfortunately, sometimes women are made feel bad and pathetic for wanting a very normal thing just because the man doesn't.

Good luck

peekyboo

howlong wrote: »

I suppose I'm afraid to confront him on this because I'm afraid it'll all come crashing down and I'll be left alone to start over again.

I felt this way too but being 'alone' is far nicer and far more of a relief than the constant insecurity of being with someone who you know deep down isn't giving you what you want. At least you can then begin finding someone who does deserve you!

Faith

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

I'm a little confused, OP, did he not love you when he said it, or does not love you at all.

If thats the case, walk away and cut your losses. Why stay with someone like that?

I'm confused about this as well. Did he not love you the first time he said it, but has fallen in love since, or did he say he still doesn't love you? If it's the latter, cut your losses now, but if it's the former I wouldn't get too worked up about it.

LegacyUser

OP, has he ever said he loves you since that conversation?

His actions sound like he's a nice, caring person, but hey, so are most of my friends, and all of them treat me very well and I ain't planning on spending my life with them.

I would sit him down, ask him how he feels, and if he says he doesn't love you, get out. You deserve so much more and so does he (although I'm less concerned about him!!).

solovely

Friend of mine was in an almost identical situation...she lasted three years. She broke up with him after two and a half, he said he really cared for her and would try to love her, so they got back together, but within 2 months he broke up with her saying he just couldn't feel it. She was devastated, completely heartbroken. Six weeks later, she met an amazing guy, who treats her like a princess, said the L word very quickly, and they now have an amazing life together, and she wonders how she ever stuck 3 years of "pleasantness" when she now knows "amazingness"!!

It's not your guy's fault, he can't make him feel something he doesn't, but for your own self worth and future happiness, you owe it to yourself to get out of there!

LegacyUser

op, i don't know what to tell you because i'm in the same boat.

i can tell you this, at least you're not me. i'm this way closer to five years, and it's a long distance relationship to boot. so although some here may say that you're making a fool of yourself, you're not the worst nor the first.

glad i read this thread. *cry*

LegacyUser

Howlong, it seems to me that you are loving him way too much and in a fashion that is unhealthy for YOU.
This man has all the power in the relationship and you would do better to start looking after your own emotional needs because you deserve it. You are worthy of love don't you feel?
Start by asking yourself what is it you want from a man..is it to be loved and eventually in a committed relationship?
You talk about rent so perhaps you live together? He has clearly said he is unsure if he is in love.
Perhaps he does really love you but is not ready for a deeper commitment and is afraid that talking about love would mean a bigger commitment. That is something that only he can decide.
You can only control your actions not his .I have done what I am advising you and it works! This is it : you sit him down and tell him that you love him dearly, that you would like to be in a committed relationship where you are loved and valued just by him, that you deserve to be loved back. If he says he is unsure of how he feels then I would tell him that you are moving out, that you would like to keep seeing just him but you now have to date other men AND him because he is unsure of his feelings. He no longer has you exclusively to himself....you repeat that you love him but are now keeping your options open with other men. You are now dating the old fashioned way with different men to date and as you value yourself highly you will no longer sleep with a man who is unsure of his feelings, but you are happy to allow him to date you.
He may get pissed off...this is a good sign! Stay in control and confident of your own value.
Tell him again that you love him dearly but you deserve to be loved back.
Then follow through. He will probably be angry, upset. Let him , don't fight with him.
After a week to 2 weeks of you dating others you will now if this guy loves you and wants you to himself. If he doesn't then be glad you have stopped wasting your life on him.
He can date you as well as the other men.

LegacyUser

"After a week to 2 weeks of you dating others you will now if this guy loves you and wants you to himself"
I meant to say "you will KNOW if this guy loves you"

LegacyUser

OP here.

Thank you so much for all the advice. I can't say that it's helped me be any less confused, but it's still good to get your opinions.

I think I've decided to give him another 6 months, that will bring us to three years which is more than enough time for him to decide how he feels. If he still can't tell me that he loves me then that'll be that.