I left him, after the drunkenness and violence

LegacyUser

So as the title says, I left my partner.
Posted here in the past about his drink problem wetting bed etc.

In a very fragile state right now. Not sure what to do. Took my things to my sisters' place going to stay with her family.
Called in sick to work.

The last straw was him getting really drunk when we were out among friends, he hit me in front of them ,then they had to pull him away. I told him this. He claimed he didn't remember. I wanted to leave before I could become attached to trying to fix him.

I bagged up everything while he was at work. Left a letter saying i'd be back this morning to collect it all with the car. So I did. Here I am.

I don't know what i'm looking for here. Maybe if anyone's had or heard of anyone else going through this they could share a few words.

Esoteric_

I posted in your thread about what him wetting the bed and I am so sorry it's ended like this, love.

There really isn't a lot we can say to make you feel better, but remember that you have done the right thing for you and for him. He might change later in life, but he won't change if you stay with him because that's like you're excusing and ignoring his awful behaviour.

I was afraid when reading your thread that he would get violent, and it seems he has. I've been in a relationship where violence was an issue and I'm telling you, you've done yourself the biggest favour you could ever do in leaving him. If he respects you that little, then you're better without him.

Much as I know it will hurt you to hear this, he doesn't love you if he's willing to treat you so badly. You would never dream of treating him so badly, because you care, but he doesn't.

You did the right thing and although it's gonna hurt like a bitch, a few months from now you'll be looking back and thanking yourself for getting free of this man. He went through a typical cycle, from the first time he wet the bed, showing you no respect, to doing it again and again and then hitting you. It's a typical abusive partner and the cycle will only get worse and more intense if you stayed.

No matter how much it hurts, stay strong because you will only get better from here. You're hurting like hell now but it can't get any worse. You've gotten through the worst, things can only start getting better little by little now. Good luck and PM me if you need to talk anytime.

LadyRussell

I'm only new to boards, but I actually came across your thread yesterday about your boyf getting drunk and wetting the bed. (well I'm presuming it was you.)

It immediately reminded me of my aunt and her husband.

They met in their early 20's and have been married about 20 years now, with two children aged 22 and 18.
He was a raging alcoholic then and is still exactly the same today.

It is well known in the family that he constantly wets the bed after a heavy drinking session.

Even as a child I never felt comfortable in their house, he is very aggressive and impatient, and just brings a horrible atmosphere with him wherever he goes.

My aunt has spent the last 20 years making excuses for him and explaining away his disgraceful behaviour, not to mention washing his urine soaked sheets.

Their home just feels strained and very uncomfortable to be in and over the last ten years my mam and the rest of her sisters have stopped visiting because they just don't feel welcome.

But it is also to save my aunt the embarrassment she feels.

By getting away now you are saving yourself years of misery.

Taltos

OP - I am so proud of you. The amount of people that stay in abusive relationships astounds me.
You have beaten the odds here and have gotten out...

Few things here
1. You were never ever going to be able to fix him.
2. His behaviour would only have gotten worse - much worse
3. You would have eventually convinced yourself it was all your fault
4. You would have lied to friends and family about how bad it was and in turn they would have been sure that he was actually the one under the thumb..
5. Years would have passed - you would have found yourself an old woman (if you had survived that long) wondering where the joy had gone and just praying for one of you to die so the pain would stop.

I really wish many others had your strength to get out.
You know - while the next while will be hard - it might be incredibly tough and you may be tempted to go back - in around 3 to 6 mts you will wake up one day and find that you can be happy again without feeling guilty.

Don't bottle in how you are feeling - let it all out - talk to close friends and family and get rid of those horrid memories.

boogle

Good on you! It took amazing strength to leave. Just remember that your life will be so much better without him in it. I know you might feel lost now, but this was definately the right thing to do.

LegacyUser

I keep getting flashbacks of that night. And it's making me feel terrible.

My friends are keeping a distance. And the friends of ours who were there that night are also keeping their distance.

I know it was the right thing to do but it's making me feel terrible.

LegacyUser

Well done, you should be proud.

cant say much really other than your happier life starts from now.
it will take some time to realise that, but it does.

it'll be hard but you'll get through it, the worst is over. x x

thecookingapple

Well done, your life will be 1000,000 times better, it wont take you long to get over this person, not long at all, a word i dont like using but is appropiate in this instance is that forget this tool and loser and leave him where he belongs:in his own aggressive pool of piss.

very best wishes from here on in.

Taltos

Your friends are just embarrassed, shocked and feeling guilty.
Probably feeling they should have stepped in, not sure right now how to talk to you. Some are probably even torn - wanting to say something but feeling divided loyalty.

Give them time - but don't focus on them - focus on you. Your true friends will find out how to move beyond this and stay in touch and be supportive - the others - well sometimes when we say goodbye to a partner we also say goodbye to the extended friends - but that is not always a bad thing in the long run.

Stay strong and remember you got out before it got worse.

Azureus

Well done OP. It might feel hard for now, but you are gonna be so much better off, hopefully you can feel this already if not, you will soon.

What I would recomment for you though, is to reach out to a friend. Even just one of them who you feel closest to. They are probably feeling a bit awkward and not sure how to approach you or the issue, as its a fairly senstive subject so if you can, break the ice. Having friends around you right now will make the process a thousand times faster and a lot easier on you. It will also give you confidence and something to take your mind off the loser you left.
Good luck

Firetrap

I hope too that you have a loving, supportive family that you can turn to. Hopefully some of your friends will rally around and help you too. Well done on having the guts to leave. It was the right thing to do even if it doesn't feel like it. This situation was never going to get better. He's got a serious drink problem and by the sounds of things, a bad bad attitude too. You are well rid and I do hope that things improve for you quickly

LegacyUser

for the words of advice, thank you. I'm trying to feel better but can't.

Not looking back and thinking of the bad times but the good.

His friend was talking to one of my friends last night. She rang me last night and told me that he had called his friend asking about a room he might be able to rent for a while.

He didn't try to call me. And he has done nothing to try reach me.

Cold contact really is cold. This feels awful. I thought about going somewhere for the day but I feel like crying every time.

elbee

OP, that is just wonderful - I'm so sorry to hear of what you went through but well done for having the strength to leave. It's a tough road but not half as tough as the one you just left.

Take care of yourself.

Taltos

soitisjustlikeyousaiditwouldbe wrote: »

Not looking back and thinking of the bad times but the good.

Very common reaction - you need to catch yourself when you start and focus on the bad - him hitting you... It would have escalated....

soitisjustlikeyousaiditwouldbe wrote: »

His friend was talking to one of my friends last night. She rang me last night and told me that he had called his friend asking about a room he might be able to rent for a while.

Gotta love tactless friends. Next time ANY of them try to tell you anything - just hold up your hand - say "Stop" in a calm voice and then "if this is about XYZ - I do not want to hear anything. He hit me - it is over - the end..."
You have to take control here and break their bad habits or even separate yourelf from them if they refuse to cop the f on.

soitisjustlikeyousaiditwouldbe wrote: »

He didn't try to call me. And he has done nothing to try reach me.

Yet - he will - or he will use your friends to get to you. Do what you can to distract yourself when he pops into your head.

soitisjustlikeyousaiditwouldbe wrote: »

This feels awful. I thought about going somewhere for the day but I feel like crying every time.

I know - and it will feel awful for a while. The best thing you can do is surround yourself with friends who won't talk abou thim - or if not - find something - anything to do to distract yourself. Book a weekend away learning to ride horses - anything - just set up one treat for yourself - reward yourself for escaping from this animal and remind yourself that you had the strength to leave before it got worse - and it would have.

Seriously - spoil yourself a little...
It will get easier - for some it is weeks - for others months - but it will get easier... One day soon you will wake up and feel really happy and relieved - just don't let that toad slide back in...

tbh

Wow well done op. Remember, you won't feel better overnight, but tomorrow will be easier than today, and on and on. Best of luck - you should be proud of yourself.

I am a friend

soitisjustlikeyousaiditwouldbe wrote: »

He didn't try to call me. And he has done nothing to try reach me.

Cold contact really is cold.

Whats cold is lying on a hospital bed after he has beaten the crap out of your or, worse again, on a mortuary slab which is even colder.... Do you think murders like Rachel O'Reilly's (RIP) for example dont happen to 'people like you' - yes they do and he is showing all the signs of being capable of this. He is gone so out of control he doesnt care if your friends see him abuse you.

Where do you think this 'relationship' is going? He loves drink more than you and he has chosen drink. That should make it pretty easy to rationalise.

He wants to move out and on cos he cant be bothered dealing with the after affects of his actions.. Let him. You have had a lucky escape so think about that. 1,000,000 good times could not compensate me for his latest behaviour.

Where are your friends and family in all of this??? Its shocking that they are staying away.

If you want to be a battered wife or another statistic then go back to him. If not, take your life back and move on...

hunnybunny

Its hard I know but you have done the right thing. Break ups are never ever easy. However, I have some tips that really helped me

1. Write all the bad things about the relationship on a post it or pad and leave it near the phone or computer (thats jolted me into reality once or twice)

2. Do something for you, ie go on a mad shopping spree, book a break away, get your nails done, anything that makes you feel better (or all three at once)

3. Talk to friends, it does help to rant and rant until its out of your system. When you think they ve had enough, put it on to paper. With time and repitition the pain will subside.

4. Walk/exercise or go to the gym

5. Bake

6. Tidy or rearrange your room

7. Have a duvet day/watch movies

8 Cry if you need to it helps

9 Let people who work closely with you know you re not feeling your best. At least they ll know if you are snappy or moody and can sympathise.

10 Talk to your family, they can be a great deal of support

11. Have a cuddle whether its with a friend, family member, dog, cat or teddy bear.

12. Know that you won t always feel this way. I know its soo hard to believe now but you really won t!:)

Take care and you really have done the right thing!