Mam's probably an alcoholic, and I have no idea how to help

LegacyUser

hi there.
I think I'm in a bit of a bad situation. I'm not sure where to start, I suppose I'll give a bit of background information...- I'm 18 and in leaving cert year, I live at home with my parents, my two older brothers and my younger sister who just turned 13. About 7 or 8 years ago my mam's parents died at around the same time, and although she wasn't particularly close to them I noticed that it was around this time that she started drinking quite a lot, she'll easily go through a bottle of wine most days, on weekends it can be about 2-3. It doesn't affect her work during the week which is surprising, (she works 9-5 shifts 5 days a week) but it is most certainly affecting our home-life. There's just generally a bad atmosphere in the house when she's fast asleep on the couch at 6pm, cooking weird inedible dinners and taking huge offence when they don't go down well, generally just talking a lot of sh*te and arguing with everyone all the time. My sister spent several hours of her birthday the other day lying on her bed crying because my mam had managed to get herself drunk by 1pm and was in the middle of baking a monstrosity of a 'cake'...

A few years ago I did try to do something about it, my brother and I marked the bottles of wine she went through for a while and then confronted her about how much she was drinking but from what I remember that just made things worse.

I don't know what exactly i'm asking for here, I just have no idea what to do or who to talk to to improve the situation at home. Has anyone here ever had to deal with anything similar? how would you approach this sort of thing? I know the obvious solution here would be tell someone, like perhaps my dad, but I've tried that too and the fact is nothing changed. I'm also quite convinced that he's having an affair so I think that if I talk to him about it it might push him over the edge and he'll leave, and I don't think she could handle that at all.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I know this post is a bit rushed and I apologise if it's hard to follow, but in any case thanks for reading.

- Lia.

thecookingapple

Hi Lia, firstly i am sorry you have to deal with this burden at such a young age, please firstly always maintain your own well being and if need be contact confidential services to at least talk over your problems with people example: childline or samaritans.


Secondly

This is a problem for your father to resolve, he as a father and husband needs to be made fully aware of you and your sibblings concerns, there is a young child as well here to be concerned about, dont worry about his affair or fragility, he will have to stand up and be counted now, arrange to meet him in a public quiet place like a park and detail your fears and the problems you see, make him aware that you wont stand by and see your younger sibblings life be brought up like this and that he as your father has to do something and do something now to rectify this situation.

Life will get better and i truly wish you the best of luck.

Jay Pentatonic

My mother has also had a problem with drink for as long as I can remember, so I know how extremely distressing it is.

However I think the top of your priority list at the moment should be the leaving cert (but don't put too much pressure on yourself!!!)

Studying away from home would be hugely helpful, do you have a friend or relative who would be happy to let you study in their home? if not your local library is always happy to let you study there, or maybe your school has after hours study or something.
I just think studying in your current atmosphere would cause more harm than good.

I think at your age and this stage of your life it's a little unfair to try help the situation on your own, so I think talking to your dad would be a huge plus, if you think he's having an afair, it's still no excuse for him to avoid helping the woman he married.

when you confronted your mum with the marked bottles of wine, it's great that you're trying to highlight the problem, but doing it in a very "attacking" kind of way I don't think is the best option.
Most people don't drink simply because they like the taste of alcohol, they do it because they have some issues that they can't quite deal with.

Your mum may be depressed because of her parents, maybe you could support her this way (without mentioning alcohol, it seems like a touchy subject with her)
There are loads of coucelling agencies especially for bereavment, you could also advise her to see her gp for depression.
Once the depression part is being tackled, hopfully alcoholism will fall with it.

There are also tones of support groups for people affected by alcoholism, like alateen or al-anon. They could help you and your family trying to get by this stressful situation.

How are your older brothers doing? If you talk to them surely they should be full of support and have loads of advice, especially for your little sister.
They might also be easier to talk to than your dad.

Also after the LC, try to just spend as much time away from the house as possible to get out of that nasty home environment, going for walks or whatever can really help you mentally.

Everything seems a lot worse during 6th year (WORST YEAR EVER!!!) but when you're finally done, things get a bit more bearable.

Best wishes, chin up and remember to take things one day at a time.

Maggie The Cat

My mother is an alcoholic too so i feel for you. My mam has destroyed the family through her drinking but there is no stopping her. she is an adult and its up to her to change.
you however have a 13 year old sister to consider. this is where your father comes in; you need to talk to him and spell out that affair or not he has a a responsibility to sort your mother out as best he can.
also you should go to A A and take your sister. A A is useful for victims of alcohol abuse too.

brokensoul

Maggie The Cat wrote: »

My mother is an alcoholic too so i feel for you. My mam has destroyed the family through her drinking but there is no stopping her. she is an adult and its up to her to change.
you however have a 13 year old sister to consider. this is where your father comes in; you need to talk to him and spell out that affair or not he has a a responsibility to sort your mother out as best he can.
also you should go to A A and take your sister. A A is useful for victims of alcohol abuse too.

Alanon or Alateen are the organisations for the friends and relatives of Alcoholics. AA itself only deals with alcoholics.

Best of luck