Who do I choose my Girlfriend of my Family???

NOVICE-REFURB

Guys, Thanks for taking the time in reading this I'll keep it short and to the point.

Right Im madly in love with my girlfriend, she has a daughter, I have knowen her since ive been 14yrs of age (im 25) and missed my chance to be with her when i was 17 (regretted it since), We've always been great friends, basically she fell off the edge of the planet and about 5 years ago reappeared, with a little girl, shes now a single mother and we kept in contact since, about a year ago we began to spend more and more time together and the question was asked, of when i had my chance to be with her, why did i never take the jump ( i was scared tbh), i confessed that this was the reason and i didnt wanna ruin our friendship ( Idiot!!!) Anyway, one thing led to another and we decided to give it a shot, its FANTASTIC , i love and adore every minute i spend with her, i love her , and its that simple, its the easiest thing ive ever said ! and its not one way, she wants it too , she loves me, wants a family with me, wants to get married to me, wants it all , 2.5 kids and the white picket fence , the whole schbang!! and i wanna do it with her.

Problem is My Family hate the idea of me going out with her, now i mean hate to the utmost, they think im gettin involved where the little girl is the most important part of this an im being inconsiderate and selfish and only thinking about my own happiness , i fully agree that the little girl (3) is def the most important factor in all of this and its vital i get this all right

Basically its boiling down to i either pick between my family and my girlfriend, i understand their concern, but shes the one , i dont know what to do, if i choose her i loose my family and everything that comes along with it ( and its alot) if i choose my family i loose the girl i have love.

Ive told my girlfriend this ( I had to and we've kinda broken up) but she still wants me and i dont know what to do

Thanks, sry i tried to keep this short, but would appreciate your insight, im stuck in a catch 22 and its just incredibly tough

IrishEyes19

This is a tough one, OP. I have to say though, unless your family are particularly hard going or you feel they have let you down previously, destroying your relationship with them over a girlfriend would be terrible. Im a believer in the saying blood is thicker than water.

MissFlitworth

You are 25, unless your family have a seriously good reason for cutting you out of their lives if you involve yourself with this girl (and 'she has a daughter' is not even approaching a good reason), then they have no business at all poking their noses in. And they are not going to cut you out of their lives over it.

To me this would be a complete no-brainer, you're an adult & no one should be giving you ultimatums. Tell your family to mind their own business & if they feel they can no longer be in your life then that's their decision and don't ruin your relationship over their, frankly nutty, carry on. If you let them threaten you & force you into doing things they want you to do now then where does it stop?

thecookingapple

I have always liked that song by the manic street preachers '' if you tolerate this, then your children will be next''

Good Luck

LittleBook

I agree that this is a bit of a no-brainer but I'm afraid I'm not really understanding the problem.

NOVICE-REFURB wrote: »

they think im gettin involved where the little girl is the most important part of this an[d] im being inconsiderate and selfish and only thinking about my own happiness , i fully agree that the little girl (3) is def the most important factor in all of this and its vital i get this all right

Your family think you're being selfish by getting involved with this woman and her daughter?

tinkerbell

If you've found the love of your life, choose her. She's the one gonna be with you every single day for the rest of your life, not your family. Your family are being awful to you by the way. I'm assuming it's because she has a child and you're not the father? They need to get over it.

petethebrick

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

This is a tough one, OP. I have to say though, unless your family are particularly hard going or you feel they have let you down previously, destroying your relationship with them over a girlfriend would be terrible. Im a believer in the saying blood is thicker than water.

Nonsense - some times families can be stupid cnuts, plain as
Think about your own happiness OP, nothing else should concern you in this situation

Distorted

Depends if you live in your parents' pockets or not OP. And want to do so for the rest of your life. Or whether you want to be an independent adult, making your own life decisions. Honestly, I'm surprised you ask it, and that girl is going to get fed up before long if you don't show her loyalty. Surely if you love her, you wouldn't need to ask this question?

Is the issue with your family that she has a child? Or because they think you are rushing into it?

How else would you meet a girlfriend in the future if you decided to reject this girl on the grounds your family don't like her? An arranged marriage? A list of family approved girls you'd be introduced to?

Maggie The Cat

Choose the Girl and her daughter. Get married and have kids. When grandkids come along your family will most likely soften.

STIG83

Sounds like your family are old fashioned OP, they have to realise people have kids outside wedlock these days, they need to get with the times, been a single mother is not a crime, so id tell them to like it or lump it TBH.

Taltos

OP - I want to tell you to choose the girl of your dreams, your soulmate - however - more importantly I want to tell you to grow a spine.

Yes - families are allowed to let us know if they approve or not - however it is up to you to say - "thanks but now back off" and do whatever it is that you feel is right for you...

So what if she has a 3yr old daughter - the important thing here is do you both love each other - and will you always be there for her and her child?
Right now I am guessing she is in shock - you the person she cares from has let her down big time. Don't mess around here too long - as it is you will have to convince her that this was a one off.

Look - ask yourself this - can you really live with yourself if you let others determine who you can be with to the point that you lose her for ever?

dixiefly

You and your girlfriend need to decide if you are right for each other (and it looks like you have).

After that you can inform your family and they should support you unless there is a complelling reason not to (and it looks like there isnt).

boomkatalog

I think I understand what your parents are trying to communicate to you but they've gone about it all wrong. My brother dated a girl for 6 months with a young kid. They were practically living together after a month, the little boy got so attached to my brother and went it all went sour, everyone was devastated.

It's important not to rush it when kids are involved, but they can't expect that girl to never love again because she has a little girl? She has the right to be happy and loved, as does her little girl. And you seem to want to make them both happy

You're 25, all you have to do is tell them you ARE going to be with her, end of discussion, and you'd like very much for them to not only be ok with her, but meet her and get to know her and her little girl (in time).

I really hope it works out for you

Chinafoot

NOVICE-REFURB wrote: »

Problem is My Family hate the idea of me going out with her, now i mean hate to the utmost, they think im gettin involved where the little girl is the most important part of this an im being inconsiderate and selfish and only thinking about my own happiness , i fully agree that the little girl (3) is def the most important factor in all of this and its vital i get this all right

OP, how fast are things moving between yourself and your girlfriend? How long have you been back together? How long was it before you were introduced into the child's life? Have you started playing the daddy role? Sorry for all the questions but its very hard to offer any advice when you have provided such limited information.

From what you've written it sounds as though your parents are concerned that this child is going to get attached to you and will be very hurt if things don't work out between you and her mother, perhaps due to you both taking things too quickly with your relationship. If this is the case, and you have taken a prominent role in this child's life so soon, then I would have to agree with your parents and say that both you and her mother are being selfish. You need to make sure your relationship actually works before you are introduced into this little girl's life, and I don't mean a few weeks. I mean months! I have seen it with friends of mine who are mad about a bloke and he gets introduced to the kid at a very early stage out of pure convenience. It makes it easier to organise time together without having to find someone to look after the child. The child gets attached and things go tits up in the relationship and the child is left very confused and upset that the man has disappeared out of their life.

Again I don't know how long you've been together but if it's been 5 years since you've seen each other you're still getting to know each other effectively. She's had a child in that time - there's very little chance she's the same person you knew when she was 14 or 17.

NOVICE-REFURB wrote: »

Basically its boiling down to i either pick between my family and my girlfriend, i understand their concern, but shes the one , i dont know what to do, if i choose her i loose my family and everything that comes along with it ( and its alot) if i choose my family i loose the girl i have love.

Have your parents actually said "Its her or us" or are you just assuming that this is how it has to be because of their views on your relationship with the child? You are 25 years of age. You are an adult. Are you living in their home? Are they paying your way? Posters here need this sort of information in order to offer proper advice. If they haven't actually told you to choose then have you considered bringing your parents and girlfriend together? Let them meet her and see what you see. Maybe talk to your girlfriend about you taking a step back from her child and organise a plan so you are introduced very slowly. Don't have that little girl running into her mammy's bedroom at 9am and finding you there.

If your parents have said "Its her or us" then tell them to take a jump. If you want to be with this girl then be with her. But please, for the sake of the child, take your parents concerns on board in that regard and don't implant yourself as a father figure before you know how (realistically) solid your relaitonship is. I get that your in the honeymoon phase and you think she's the one, but things can change and this child will be the one suffering the fall out.

All the best.

Fentdog84

Your life, your happiness, end of. I can understand to a point why your parents might not be jumping over the moon about this but just explain to them slowly and clearly that this is the girl you want to be with and you've never been happier, they should come around eventually. Is there any other reason other than the baby, that they wouldnt like this girl? They probably just want whats best for you, if not they are just being selfish. i know members of my own family can be pretty bigotted about these things(unmarried mothers, sex before marriage etc) and I would be quite worried about bringing home a girl with a kid, tbh. Silly really, but if you love her and she you, its no contest really. true love dosent come around every day.

Firetrap

I just wonder are they worried that you're rushing into this relationship and getting consumed by it too quickly? Things are definitely complicated more because of her little girl. It's not just a boyfriend/girlfriend thing any more - you're a ready made family and in effect you are becoming a dad to the kid. Nothing to sneezed at. Has anyone actually uttered the "it's her or us" phrase? Or are you being a bit too touchy about the subject?

If it comes down to it, of course you should choose your girlfriend. Finding love is what most of us ultimately want and here's hoping that that is the case for you. Unless your family are horrible people, they will come round. Just try not to be so defensive. I'm sure they mean well but have been a bit ham-fisted about the situation.